Adrian Monk: [surveying a crime scene] Stove. Lt. Gitomer: Over here. It's in the kitchen. Adrian Monk: No... I mean MY stove. I-I think I left it on. Captain Stottlemeyer: [referring to Monk] How does he do it? I have two eyes, I see everything that he sees, but... I don't see what he sees. Miranda St. Claire: Is-is this a joke? Someone tries to kill my husband and you send in Rain Man? Miranda St. Claire: Tell me, Mr. Monk, do you lie awake at night thinking of ways to disrupt my husband's campaign? Warren St. Claire: Now, Miranda... Adrian Monk: No ma'am, I lie awake at night and try not to think at all. Adrian Monk: How tall are you? Captain Stottlemeyer: Six feet. Adrian Monk: Really. Captain Stottlemeyer: Five-eleven. Miranda St. Clair: I'm told you're germophobic, afraid of the dark, heights, crowds and... milk. Sharona: We're working on the milk. He's making good progress on milk. Adrian Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not... Sharona Fleming: How does it feel, always being right? Adrian Monk: Terrible. Sharona Fleming: What is THAT? Adrian Monk: It's something called "style". You wouldn't understand. Sharona: You're going straight to hell. Adrian Monk: I am in hell. Capt. Stottlemeyer: This isn't police work. This is Vaudeville. Adrian Monk: [about a strange painting in a suspect's office] It's me, isn't it? Sheldon Burger: I just came from the hospital. Bodyguard didn't make it. Mayor's on his way back from Sacramento. Look, I don't have to tell you, Captain. We're on a bus to hell. If we don't slam dunk this... Captain Stottlemeyer: I understand. Sheldon Burger: It's gonna look like we're not trying. Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm not an idiot, Sheldon! I've got every available man on the case. Sheldon Burger: No, you don't. Mayor wants you to bring in... your old friend. Captain Stottlemeyer: [disbelieving] MONK? Lt. Randall Disher: Look who's here: "The Defective Detective." Captain Stottlemeyer:
I wanted to make this crystal clear; you're here because the mayor thinks you can walk on water. But you're a civilian now, Monk. When I'm in there, I talk, you say nothing, understand? Look, Monk, when I took your badge three years ago, I told you nothing would give me more pleasure than to see you reinstated, and I meant that. But you're obviously not ready.
Adrian Monk: Is that you talking, or the uniform? Captain Stottlemeyer: l AM the uniform, Monk. You didn't understand that back when I was your watch commander.