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[Lorelai's having Rory]
Young Lorelai:
Okay, this is a big pain and I'd really like it to go away, please.
Nurse:
Just breathe deep, honey.
Young Lorelai:
Breathing doesn't help, can I hit you instead?
Nurse:
What?
Young Lorelai:
Or pinch you really hard, 'cause that might make me feel better.
Nurse:
No, you cannot hit me.
Young Lorelai:
Can I bite you or pull your hair or use the Epilady on you 'cause I really need to do something.
Rory:
Do something to make me hate you!
Lorelai:
Um, go Hitler?
[turns to Rory and says sarcastically]
Jess:
So Courtney, what about you?
Sookie:
[petrified] Uncle Ernie hugged me too long!
Paris:
Fine, if you guys wanna sit around for an hour after school swapping makeover horror stories, then count me in. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time I plucked outside of my designated brow line? Man, was my face red.
Madline:
I've done that, too. Ooh, it's bad.
Louise:
She was being sarcastic.
Madline:
Well, I wasn't. I looked surprised for a month.
Michel:
[about Paris] She's back! She's coming back!
Lorelai:
What? Why?
Michel:
I don't know - maybe she forgot her phone, or her spell book, or something.
Zach:
[sings] "A mighty fortress is our God, a bulwark never failing." Dude, what's a bulwark?
Brian:
What?
Zach:
It says, a bulwark never failing.
Brian:
I think it's a wall.
Zach:
Then why don't they just say that? Bulwark sounds totally gay.
Brian:
I don't think you're supposed to call a hymn gay. It's like a sin or something.
Zach:
Whatever, man. I'm not saying bulwark.
Zach:
[singing] I once was lost, but now am found, was blind, but now I see.
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Mrs. Kim
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:
Very nice. You may now take a fifteen-minute break while we finish our tea. Also, good time to retune.
Brian:
Was she looking at me?
Zach:
She wasn't looking at me, dude.
Lorelai:
Boy, you'd think love songs are all you and Lane would wanna play.
Zach:
Man, this crunch just now sounded like the drum-fill in Baba O'Reilly.
Dave:
Yeah, Zach, a musical mouth. That's awesome.
Zach:
But why would Dave and Lane wanna play just love songs?
Lorelai:
Because, I was just thinking, you know, with Dave's name - Dave - you've got the last two letters in love. V, E. And with Lane's name, you have the L. You can just dump the A and add an O and there you go.
Zach:
Yeah. Dave, you're a Christian. So what? That's cool.
Brian:
It's nothing to hide.
Zach:
Christians can still rock.
Dave:
They can?
Lane:
Yeah, yeah, Dave. Christians can still rock, don't hide it.
Zach:
Marshall Stacks don't know Christians from atheists.
Dave:
Gosh, I just wasn't sure if you guys would be accepting of my devoutness.
Brian:
Dave, it's a part of you, and we think you're cool, so it's cool.
Dave:
Great. Thanks, guys.
Zach:
But no way are we playing Creed, man.
Dave:
Oh, no, of course not.
Zach:
Or Amy Grant. That's where we draw the line.
Zach:
Dude, Brian's breathing is louder than the song.
Brian:
I've got a deviated septum. All the women in my family and me have it.
Zach:
Well, it's throwing me off.
Lane:
Hold your breath when we're playing, Brian. There, problem solved. Okay, come on, now, let's rock. One, two, three...
Zach:
Wait. The bottom line here is that breathing should not be louder than a rock band. Am I right or am I right?
Dave:
Anyhow, I hadn't seen you in a while, and I thought I'd come down and maybe we could figure something out on this band issue.
Lane:
Sure, we could do that.
Dave:
Plus, I missed you.
Lane:
You did? You missed me?
Dave:
Well, yeah. Did you miss me?
Lane:
Oh, yeah, definitely. I definitely, definitely missed you.
Dave:
Glad and relieved to hear it
Dave:
Thank you. You know, my parents would love these sandwiches. I wish I could bring 'em by but unfortunately they're in private bible study right now.
Zach:
Whoa, cool.
Dave:
We all finished at the same time.
Lane:
That has never happened.
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Brian
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:
The middle of that song didn't even sound like us.
Dave:
Yeah, it sounded good.
Rory:
Guys, that was amazing. Really, it was awesome.
Dave:
Thanks.
Zach:
Dude, you did good, you really did. But you got a little too close to me when you were singing into the mike.
Brian:
I got as close as I had to.
Zach:
Your nose touched my cheek, man. That's too close.
Dave:
You're drunk.
Lane:
No, I'm... am I?
Dave:
We're going on in five minutes. Can you even play?
Lane:
Oh, I can hit the sticks on those brums.
Dave:
Great, great, but what about the drums?
Dave:
Wow, you run really quiet.
Lane:
Sorry, I'm sorry about everything.
Dave:
What?
Lane:
The whole night. I had no idea she'd make you play five straight hours without a break.
Dave:
It's okay.
Lane:
Your hands must be dead.
Dave:
They're just a little numb. But I've got these Kurt Cobain calluses now, how cool is that?
Lane:
The very concept of childbirth is vaguely disturbing.
Rory:
Yeah. Kids are cool and all, but getting there seems like a big cosmic joke.
Lane:
Definitely thought up by a man.
Rory:
My mom said that when she told me where babies come from.
Lane:
My mom still hasn't told me.
Rory:
Really?
Lane:
When my cousin got pregnant, she said it's because an angel brushed its wings against her face.
Rory:
I could fill you in on the details sometime if you want.
Lane:
No thanks, I've picked it up off the streets.
Rory:
So I was thinking that maybe we could move it from this Saturday to next Saturday?
Paris:
Okay.
Madline:
What did she say?
Louise:
What did you say?
Paris:
I said okay.
[Lorelai has to model in a charity event for Booster Club that her mother made her get involved in]
Lorelai:
Ugh, they totally just snuck that modeling thing in.
Rory:
Hmm, my mom's a model. Maybe you'll get to date Leonardo DiCaprio now.
Lorelai:
Plus, now I have to plan the whole stupid thing.
Rory:
Lorelai Gilmore. Nope, doesn't sound model-y enough. You need something that stands out more. How about Waffle. We could call you Waffle and say you're from Belgium.
Lorelai:
[dialing on her cell phone] Okay, I'm crabby, I need to do something about it.
[on phone]
Lorelai:
Hey Mom!
Emily:
Well, hello.
Lorelai:
So I went to my first Booster meeting last night, did Bitty tell you?
Emily:
No, she did not.
Lorelai:
Oh, well, maybe she's still stuck under that desk. You might want to send someone out there to look.
Emily:
Well, it's certainly nice to hear you finally getting involved.
Lorelai:
Yes, in fact we're planning a charity fashion show next weekend, and I volunteered to organize it.
Emily:
Well, good for you.
Lorelai:
Yes, and since I know how concerned you are about how Rory's perceived at Chilton, I knew you'd want to be involved somehow, so you're gonna be one of the models.
Emily:
Excuse me?
Lorelai:
Yeah, so it's next Saturday, be there at four, and we'll provide hair and makeup.
Emily:
Lorelai, you can't be serious.
Lorelai:
Oh, and we'll need your measurements also.
Emily:
This is ridiculous.
Lorelai:
Mom. You said you wanted me to be involved. Well, I'm involved, now don't you want to do your part to ensure Rory's future?
Emily:
All right.
Lorelai:
Start measuring.
[hangs up]
Rory:
You feel better now?
Lorelai:
Waffle's very happy.
Brian:
[discussing names for the band] How about "The We"?
Zach:
We?
Brian:
Yeah. We are "The We."
Zach:
I can't talk about this anymore.
Lorelai:
I love my little circus freak.
Rory:
Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown.
Lane:
Hi.
Dave Rygalski:
Hi, and hi.
Lane:
Uh, this will not be the mental image you carry around of me the rest of the week.
Dave Rygalski:
No, it won't. Hold on, I just saw the back. Yes, it will.
Lorelai:
I love ranting Luke.
Dave Rygalski:
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A few weeks ago you told me that Lane had a crush on me. Well, I have a crush on her, too. Now, I know you have very strict rules about dating and boys, but I just want you to know that I'm a good person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I've never gotten a ticket, I'm healthy, I take care of myself, I floss. I never watch more than 30 minutes of television a night partly because I think it's a waste of time and partly because there's nothing on. I respect my parents, I do well in school, I never play video games in case they do someday prove that playing them can turn you into a serial killer. I don't drink coffee. I hate soda because the carbonation freaks me out. I'm happy to give up meat if you feel strongly about it. I don't mind wearing a tie. I enjoy playing those hymns on my guitar, and I really, really want to take your daughter to the prom.
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Dave Rygalski:
[Mrs. Kim doesnt say anything] Mrs. Kim? Please don't make me repeat that list again.
Mrs. Kim:
Let never day nor night unhallow'd pass, but still remember what the Lord hath done.
Dave Rygalski:
Okay, thank you.
Dave Rygalski:
[Dave and Lane walk outside] Did you hear what she said?
Lane:
Yes, I did.
Dave Rygalski:
What did it mean?
Lane:
I don't know.
Dave Rygalski:
Was it a yes, was it a no?
Lane:
I'm not sure.
Dave Rygalski:
Well, it's gotta be from the bible, right? So I'll just go home, do some research, look on the Internet, see what I can find. I'll call you when I know something.
Zach:
Brian's been yammering on about germs and spores for 20 minutes. I'm completely freaked out to touch a microphone ever again.
Brian:
I'm just saying, at the end of the night, who cleans them?
Brian:
Shut up, Brian.
Gil:
Look, man, I only have the babysitter till 6:00, then it's my turn to drive them to Gymboree.
Zach:
Dude, you promised you wouldn't talk about the parental issue during band practice.
Gil:
We're not having band practice, and it's not a parental issue. It's being part of the cycle of life, and that, my friend, is pure rock 'n' roll.
Zach:
Go join "The Polyphonic Spree," you fruitcake.
Brian:
I'm just saying my bass strap has a smell.
Zach:
[the band are talking about new replacement, Gil] Right here
[points to his eyes]
Zach:
, he's got some lines. That blows my mind.
Brian:
What is he, late thirties?
Zach:
Approaching forty.
Lane:
Forty?
Brian:
He was alive before man walked on the moon.
Zach:
Don't do that, man. You're freaking me out.
Lane:
Let's not be over-dramatic, guys. I mean, he is an incredible guitarist.
Zach:
He's had a lot of time to practice.
Brian:
And the bicentennial - he was alive for that.
Lane:
This is the best we've sounded since Dave, and he's really...
Zach:
Elderly.
Lane:
Excited.
Brian:
He was our age when we were born.
Lane:
He thinks we're great
Brian:
There were no cd's when he was born.
Zach:
Stop it, man. I mean it.
Lane:
Maybe there's a way to offset his oldness. Put a hat on him. Dress him up like Angus Young in AC/DC - that schoolboy outfit.
Brian:
He could have seen AC/DC with their original lead singer.
Zach:
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And 1980 is when that guy choked on his own vomit. That's old.
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Lane:
You want to stop the audition?
Brian:
We shouldn't be rude.
Lane:
Good.
Zach:
Fine, we'll keep going, but remember, any new member has to be approved by all of us. So one vote against, and he's back at bingo.
Lane:
I know.
Michel:
Well, you know what happens when you assume.
Lorelai:
What?
Michel:
I don't know. Something about a donkey. It is a stupid American phrase.
Dave:
What we need is a name.
Brian:
I made my suggestion.
Zach:
Yeah, and we vetoed "The Harry Potters." Next.
Brian:
So yours is better?
Zach:
"Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is memorable and classy.
Brian:
I run out of breath every time I say it.
Zach:
You've got asthma, dude. You run out of breath saying your name.
Dave:
Yeah, Brian, we can't work our name around your respiratory illnesses.
Brian:
Even without an inhaler, "Follow Them to the Edge of the Dessert" is too long.
Zach:
Yeah, but when we get famous, our fans will shorten it to F-T-T-T-E-O-T-D.
Lorelai:
I just broke up with someone.
Luke:
Yeah.
Lorelai:
We'd been dating for a few months now.
Luke:
I figured there was someone in the picture.
Lorelai:
You did? How?
Luke:
Just clues. You know, you never dressed weather-appropriate, that kind of thing.
Rory:
What's with the carrots?
Lorelai:
I was afraid you weren't eating well at school.
Rory:
Ohhh.
Lorelai:
Marshmallow?
Luke:
[Jess' beeper goes off when Luke visits him in his run-down apartment] What, are you a drug dealer now?
Rory:
I have to perform Act Five of "Romeo and Juliet" with Paris, Madeline and Louise.
Lorelai:
Really?
Rory:
Paris has appointed herself as director.
Lorelai:
Nice. What part are you playing?
Rory:
I don't know yet. She's still mulling over the screen tests right now. We're gonna find out tomorrow.
Lorelai:
Screen tests?
Rory:
24 takes.
Lorelai:
Ah, I so want a copy.
Rory:
Forget it.
Lorelai:
Sell it on the Internet, make a fortune. 'First we brought you Pamela and Tommy Lee, now prepare yourselves for the crazy antics of Rory and the Bard.'
Rory:
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Oh, and I told Paris that you would make all of our costumes so she wants to have a concept meeting with you tomorrow at three.
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fe8
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Lorelai:
What?
Rory:
Yeah, she needs a resume and samples of your previous work and, uh, referrals.
Lorelai:
And my bare butt to kiss?
Rory:
If you think that will set you apart from the other applicants, yes.
Luke:
[Luke is buying self-help books but doesn't want Andrew to see them] What are you doing?
Andrew:
I have to ring them up.
Luke:
I ' ll just tell you the prices. This one is... $
Andrew:
That high?
Luke:
They're your prices!
Andrew:
Can I just see the book?
Luke:
I'm reading you the book. It says right here.
[looks at the price again]
Luke:
Oh, wait - that's the Canadian price. $
Andrew:
Will you just let me scan the book?
Luke:
When you scan the book, do you see the title?
Andrew:
Yes.
Luke:
Then no.
Andrew:
Luke, come on! What do you got there, porn?
Luke:
You sell porn?
Andrew:
No!
Luke:
You think I brought my own porn in here to buy?
Andrew:
I don't know what you're doing. I just need to scan the books.
Luke:
[hands Andrew some money] This should cover it.
Andrew:
A hundred bucks? That's way too much!
Luke:
Take it.
[he leaves, then comes back in]
Luke:
Bag.
[Andrew hands him one, he leaves again]
Lorelai:
Luke, will you marry me?
Luke:
What?
Tobin:
Michel, did you get a bagel?
Michel:
I don't want a bagel.
Tobin:
Are you sure? They're kosher.
Michel:
I don't eat bagels. Bagels are like glue in your intestines and ensure that everything that enters your body will remain there until you die.
Sookie:
Ew! Shut up!
Louise:
It's just a contest, Paris. It's not like you get a car or a lifetime supply of Rice a Roni.
Madline:
God, I love that stuff.
Rory:
[Logan just called Rory his "girlfriend" for the first time] You OK over there? Do you need a glass of water or... a time machine?
[Luke has hired a new waiter]
Rory:
Oh, my god.
Lorelai:
What?
Rory:
He hired Brennon Lewis.
Lorelai:
And?
Rory:
Ew!
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Lorelai
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:
He doesn't look that bad.
Rory:
He's the boy who dissected a frog, did not wash his hands, and then ate a sandwich.
Lorelai:
Ew!
Rory:
He's like the lost Farrelly brother. He's so stupid. He watched 'The Breakfast Club' and decided to tape his own butt cheeks together.
[At the Yale-Harvard football game]
Lorelai:
Oh, wait, are you Pennilyn Lott, my dad's college sweetheart?
Pennilyn Lott:
Yes.
Lorelai:
You're my almost-mommy.
Pennilyn Lott:
Well, I supposed that's one way of putting it...
Lorelai:
I'm so glad to finally meet you. Let me ask you something - would you have let me get a pony?
Rory:
[when Rory, Paris, and Lane are all having relationship problems, Paris gets them each a cup of Miss Patty's alcoholic punch] Miss Patty's punch is used to clean tar off of construction sites.
Paris:
So let it clean the tar off of our souls.
[Lorelai wants Luke to fire the annoying new guy he hired]
Lorelai:
He doesn't write the orders down, he never brings you food that's hot or yours, he can't distinguish bagels from doughnuts, he hands out butt napkins, and he has worn that Foreigner t-shirt every single day since he started working here and he doesn't know who they are. I asked him.
Luke:
What are butt napkins?
Lorelai:
Kirk needed a napkin, and he pulled one out of his back pocket.
Luke:
Hey, Bren?
Brennon Lewis:
Yeah, boss?
Luke:
Did you give Kirk a napkin out of your back pocket?
Brennon Lewis:
Yeah.
Luke:
Don't.
Brennon Lewis:
Okay.
Lorelai:
You lost me at carrots, which was the first draft of 'you had me at hello'.
Lorelai:
So, apparently, I'm now the Reigning Lorelai.
Rory:
Huh. I guess you are.
Lorelai:
It's a lot of responsibility.
Rory:
Well, sure.
Lorelai:
I mean, it's mostly ceremonial stuff nowadays. Declaring knighthoods, opening supermarkets. But now and then, you get to banish someone or pose for a stamp.
Rory:
Neat. And coins.
Lorelai:
Yeah, and coins. You know, someday you'll be the Reigning Lorelai.
Rory:
I don't like that idea!
Lorelai:
Why not? You get a cape.
Rory:
Because if I'm the Reigning Lorelai, then that means you'll be gone.
Lorelai:
Gone? No, not me. I'll step down way before that. I'm not going to pull a Queen Elizabeth on you, make you wait around forever, force you to develop interests in polo and architecture.
Rory:
I am scared of horses.
Lorelai:
I know
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that.
Rory:
So there's a cape, huh?
Lorelai:
Are you going to kiss me now? You are so incredibly predictable.
Emily:
Rory, I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening, and I know you've heard a lot of talk about it in the past, but I want to make this very clear: you, young lady, your person and your existence, have never ever been, not even for a second, included in that list. Do you understand me?
[Lorelai and Luke are discussing Rory and her new boyfriend Dean]
Lorelai:
I have to make her understand that I'm okay with the guy thing. 'Cause not talking about guys and our personal lives - that's me and my mom. That is not me and Rory.
Luke:
Are you okay with the guy thing?
Lorelai:
Yes.
Luke:
Really?
Lorelai:
Okay-ish.
Luke:
That's not okay.
Lorelai:
That's okay with an "ish."
Luke:
Whatever you say.
Lorelai:
What happened? The reception on the phone sucked. All I heard was "Rory" and "Chilton" and "Get down here." Whose butt do I have to kick?
Rory:
We didn't go to breakfast.
Lorelai:
What are you talking about?
Rory:
We came here. They broke into the headmaster's office as the big initiation.
Lorelai:
Ugh, those stupid girls.
Rory:
Uh huh. Part of the initiation was ringing a bell. So, that's what I was doing when security showed up and they called you.
Lorelai:
That's what you got busted for? That's it? Bell-ringing?
Rory:
Yes.
Lorelai:
Were you at least smoking a Cuban cigar while you were doing it?
Rory:
Mom.
Lorelai:
No, I mean, "bad girl, how many times have I told you not to ring bells?"
Rory:
[interrupting] Let's go.
Lorelai:
[continuing] "They can dent, or scratch, and they make dogs go crazy. Who do you think you are, the Hunchback of Notre Dame? Are you French? Circular? I don't think so."
Rory:
I'm walking to the car now.
Lorelai:
[later] Was it a big bell at least?
Lorelai:
Mom, Dad, look. I know we've had our differences over where Rory should go to school, but that's behind us now. She's going to Yale, and, that's good. Really good
Rory:
Nothing but smiles.
Lorelai:
We're both really happy about it.
Rory:
Both.
Lorelai:
Her and me.
Rory:
She and I.
Lorelai:
Everybody in this room named Lorelai is over the moon about the going to Yale.
Rory<
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/b>:
Which means that everybody else in this room not named Lorelai can be, equally over the moon about the going to Yale.
Michel:
[Sookie wants Michel to choose a cookie] I don't care.
Sookie:
I just need a quick opinion!
Michel:
It took me two seconds to tell you I don't care, that's as quick as I get.
Lorelai:
So, let me get this straight. Uh, you and some guys who actually know what they're doing are gonna come over and fix my house, and I can pay them back whenever I want?
Luke:
That's right.
Lorelai:
'Cause I'm Tony Soprano?
Luke:
Only scarier.
Logan:
Rory, you're special.
Rory:
Like "stop-eating-the-paste" special?
Marty:
Okay. I actually snagged us some caviar. They were all out of toast points, but I think we can use Doritos and achieve a very similar result.
[notices Anna]
Marty:
Hey.
Rory:
This is Anna.
Marty:
[gasps excitedly] Did Paris move?
Paris:
[from behind] I'm right here, Marty.
Marty:
I know, Paris.
Marty:
[Rory missed breakfast] Well, hey, you want some eggs or something? I always take enough for ten. I blame my brother. He always took the biggest piece of chicken.
Rory:
And left you none?
Marty:
No, there was plenty more. I just wanted the biggest piece.
Rory:
Asher Flemming is dead.
Marty:
In bed?
Rory:
No
Marty:
Damn, I lost the pool.
Marty:
So, I just bartended this crazy brunch, with chocolate fountains and floating ice sculptures and I snagged us all kinds of hors d'oeuvres
Paris:
Nice going, bucko.
Marty:
Okay, so she didn't really mean nice going, right? 'Cause there's sort of a devil eye thing going on
Sookie:
Okay, here we go. Low fat, whole wheat blueberry pancakes.
Michel:
Are there 12?
Sookie:
12 what?
Michel:
Blueberries. I can only have 12 blueberries for breakfast.
Sookie:
Or what?
Michel:
What do you mean, or what?
Sookie:
What happens if you eat 13 blueberries?
Michel:
This is a silly conversation.
Sookie:
Would you die?
Michel:
Just hand me the plate.
Sookie:
Only if you don't count.
Michel:
I won't count.
Sookie:
Swear. Raise your right hand and say, 'May Destiny's Child break up if I count these blueberries.'
Michel:
[raises his hand] ... Pick another group.
Sookie:
Nope.
Michel:
[slams hand down] I hate you! Hate you!
[Rory has just met Paul, a younger man Lorelai once dated "casually" because he came into Luke's with his parents]
Lorelai:
What?
Rory:
Nothing.
Lorelai:
Say it!
Rory:
I've always wanted a little brother.
Lorelai:
He looked older the other night.
Rory:
How much older could he possibly look?
Lorelai:
A lot! He's usually a little scruffy, and then the baseball cap hides the funky hair thing.
Rory:
He should've been holding a yo-yo and a lollipop and wearing a beanie with a propeller on it.
Lorelai:
He's in his twenties.
Rory:
He must have been a very good boy to deserve such a happy day. I bet they let him ride a pony.
Marty:
[at Asher's wake, hands Rory a plastic cup] Root beer?
Rory:
[takes the cup] Yeah. Thanks, Marty, for everything. You've been such a huge help tonight.
Marty:
For you, anything.
Anna:
[after Rory shooed away two college guys, whining] Rory!
Rory:
Anna!
Anna:
Well that's not fair. You get to talk to boys!
Rory:
What?
Anna:
You were over there, talking to Marty.
Rory:
[laughs] That's different. Marty's just a friend. Which is another great thing about college. You learn to have guy friends. Nothing romantic, just a good pal.
[Marty looks pained]
Rory:
Those boys are not interested in your friendship, unless the word "friendship" is tattooed on your butt. Now drink your coffee.
[they take a sip]
Rory:
It's good, huh?
Marty:
Okay. I remember something about Rome. Rome. Rome. Romans live there. Audrey Hepburn took a holiday there. It's the name of a B52s song.
Rory:
Different Rome.
Marty:
Okay. That's it. I can't remember. College is breaking my spirit. Every single day telling me things I don't know, it's making me feel stupid.
Richard:
Focus, please.
Lorelai:
I am a camera.
Tristan:
And she's reading again. How novel.
Rory:
Good-bye, Tristan.
Tristan:
Did you get the novel thing? Because...
Rory:
I said good-bye.
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:
What are you doing here?
Rory:
I like lines.
Tristan:
The guy's supposed to buy the tickets.
Rory:
Really. Does Susan Faludi know about this?
Tristan:
Unless of course there is no guy.
Rory:
There's a guy
Tristan:
A Cheap guy.
Rory:
Well, what can I say? I like 'em cheap. Sloppy too - bald spot, beer gut, you know, and the pants that kind of slip down in the back, giving you that good plumber shot. That sends me through the roof.
Tristan:
So who is he?
Rory:
How many languages can you say 'none of your business' in.
Tristan:
Does he go to this school?
Rory:
No, he doesn't.
Tristan:
Uh-huh. Well, look, OK, I'll confess something to you. I don't have a date.
Rory:
Well I hear Squeaky Fromme is up for parole soon. You should keep a good thought.
Michel:
I feel like crap on toast.
Lorelai:
How does Charlie Rose screw up your REM sleep?
Luke:
Because he's always got some guy on pushing a book about how everything's all going to hell, or they're going to pass a law, how everyone with a nose ring is going to get shipped off to China. Suddenly you're depressed, thinking we're all going to die and don't drink the water, there's anthrax in my bagel - and bam, there goes your REM sleep.
Lorelai:
Or Mel Brooks is on, and he is so funny, and you think, "What a wonderful world we live in, that there's a Mel Brooks to go to sleep to."
Luke:
Mel Brooks is never on Charlie Rose, and when he is on he's talking about Nazis, and then you go to sleep and you dream about Nazis and they all look like Nathan Lane, and you're creeped out for days.
[Lorelai has had to throw Emily an impromptu bachelorette party and invited all the women from Stars Hollow. Emily is now drunk]
Miss Patty:
So, Emily, tell us about this party of yours tomorrow.
Emily:
It's going to be fabulous. Isn't it, Lorelai?
Lorelai:
Ab fab, sweetie darling.
Emily:
Isn't she hilarious? I never have any idea what she's talking about, but she's so entertaining! Like a chimp. Isn't she like a chimp, Gypsy?
Gypsy:
Please make your mother stop talking to me.
Lorelai:
If only I had that power.
[At Richard and Emily's vow-renewal ceremony]
Lorelai:
Oh, Marilyn, this is Luke. Luke, this is my cousin Marilyn.
Luke:
Nice to meet you.
Marilyn:
You, too.
[pulls Lorelai aside]
Marilyn:
Is he a gardener?
Lorelai:
Um, no, he owns a diner.
Marilyn:
Oh, I've always wanted to have an affair with a gardener. Apparently that's very 'in' now.
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Luke
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:
Get out, Taylor.
Taylor:
Why?
Luke:
It's just a code I live by.
Emily:
Obviously you have a maid.
Christopher:
Yes, I have a maid-nanny combo.
Emily:
Ah, how McDonald's of you.
[Jess is eating a sandwich at the dance marathon and Mrs. Kim walks up to him]
Mrs. Kim:
Who are you?
Jess:
I'm Jess... ma'am.
Lorelai:
[reading a story on the back of a menu] Four hours later... Sniffy was dead. Sniffy was dead? Are you *serious*? Where's the happy ending?
Luke:
That's what happened.
Lorelai:
Well, people don't read the back of the menu to find out what *really* happened. They read the back of the menu to be *happy*. To be *uplifted*. That's why they read the back of the menu!
Luke:
[alarm goes off] Sorry, I forgot to turn the alarm off.
Lorelai:
Bad alarm. Bad, bad alarm.
[pause]
Lorelai:
What time is it?
Luke:
Early.
Lorelai:
Hate early. Must kill early.
[pause]
Lorelai:
Okay, gotta get up.
Luke:
Why?
Lorelai:
Work. Inn. Buy shoes. Oh, my God, I can't move. I need coffee.
Luke:
[about Lorelei walking into the diner wearing only Luke's shirt] You wear crazy outfits all the time.
Lorelai:
They usually include *pants*!
Lorelai:
[after talking to her mother on her cell phone] *Your* fault.
Luke:
How is that *my* fault?
Lorelai:
Because you preoccupied me with all your yammering about the meeting so I wasn't thinking and I didn't check to see who was calling before I answered! Boy, it's nice to finally have someone to blame.
Lorelai:
Mom, it's just a pretend wedding. J-Lo has them all the time.
Lorelai:
[at the town meeting, when everyone is talking about the bad things that Jess has done] I hear he controls the weather and wrote the screenplay to Glitter!
Colin:
I'm Colin. And this is Finn. And you are?
Lorelai:
Her mother.
Finn:
My God, those are good genes.
Rory:
[talking about Paris] Can you say crazy anal micromanager?
Lorelai:
Not five times fast.
Lorelai:
Oh, you're gonna have to walk faster than that. You're gonna have to turn into friggin' Flo Jo to get away from me.
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Lorelai:
Can I use the fun cutter thingy?
Luke:
Not if you call it the fun cutter thingy.
Lorelai:
Please?
Luke:
Cut the boxes, not your hands.
Lorelai:
Good tip, you should teach!
Lorelai:
My shoe broke! I need you to fix it!
Luke:
Do I look like a cobbler to you?
Lorelai:
If I say yes, will you fix it?
Taylor:
[Luke won't give out free coffee at the dance marathon] You would knock the crutch out from under Tiny Tim, wouldn't you?
Luke:
If he asked for a free cup of coffee, Gimpy's goin' down.
[Lorelai answers her cell phone]
Lorelai:
Hello?
Emily:
You get over here right now!
Lorelai:
Who is this?
Emily:
This is you in twenty years! "Who is this?", I swear!
Lorelai:
[talking to Rory on the phone] "School comes before mommy's mental health."
Paris:
Well, the worst that can happen is that I spend some time in your town and suddenly have an urge to enter a pie in the county fair.
Madline:
Paris has gone bye-bye.
[regarding Lorelai's birthday party]
Rory:
Oh, I'm sorry. You wanted a party? I told everyone you didn't want to make a big deal out of your birthday this year.
Lorelai:
You're not funny.
Rory:
Ms. Patty and Babette wanted to hire these two hot guys to carry you around all day and feed you Bon-Bons, and Kirk wanted to hire the Red Hot Chili Peppers to play a concert in the square, but I said "Hey, please, respect the lady's wishes. She deserves that at her age.'"
Lorelai:
Why are you so cruel to mama?
Rory:
I have to go.
Lorelai:
Where?
Rory:
None of your business.
Lorelai:
You *are* planning something for Friday night, aren't you?
Rory:
I'll bring back Chinese for dinner.
Lorelai:
And you tell people, no matter what they say, I just couldn't accept a new car. It would be beneath me and I would be completely humiliated. And a convertible would just make me fling myself off a building!
Rory:
Bye.
Luke:
It's the kind of lock burglars look for.
Lorelai:
Why do burglars look for that lock?
Luke:
Because it's easy to break into. I proved that.
Lorelai:
You proved that by...?
Luke:
Breaking in through the back door.
Jess:
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36
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So we just sit on a bench or stare at our shoes.
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Dean:
I thought you were interested, but I see you're not. I get the message and I am going to leave you alone.
[He starts to walk away, Rory goes after him]
Rory:
Wait I'm interested, bye.
[runs away]
Paris:
Maybe I shouldn't go. I mean, what if I fall for him and he doesn't like me?
Rory:
Then you'll find someone else.
Paris:
But what if there is no one else?
Rory:
Then you'll buy some cats.
Lorelai:
It's not funny, it's bad. I have to see this guy. He works at every business in town, I can't get away from him.
Rory:
Well, then you should marry him and move in with his mother.
Rory:
So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?
Lorelai:
Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbra Streisand will give her final concert... again.
Rory:
Uh-huh.
Lorelai:
Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.
Rory:
So, is this party Grandma's having going to be a big deal?
Lorelai:
Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbara Streisand will give her final concert... again.
Rory:
Uh-huh.
Lorelai:
Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.
Richard:
Now, did anyone ever to tell you to picture the audience in their underwear? Well, don't do it. I did it once and I had nightmares for a week. Bulgarians in Speedos.
Christopher:
This town is like one big outpatient mental institution.
Lorelai:
[walking into Luke's diner] Give me a burger, onion rings, and a list of people who killed their parents and got away with it. I need some heroes.
Rory:
It's a Friday night. We should be out, I don't know, partying with the homies.
Lorelai:
Our Stars Hollow homies are all in bed by now.
Clara:
Is Jess your real name?
Jess:
Yes.
Clara:
Do you like it?
Jess:
It's fine.
Clara:
Would you rather be named Bill?
Jess:
No.
Clara:
Frank?
Jess:
No.
Clara:
Mike?
Jess:
No.
Clara:
Bob?
Jess:
No.
Clara:
Ed?
Jess:
Does this belong to you?
Dean:
Clara, you want a snowcone?
Clara:
Yes, will you get me a snowcone?
Jess:
Absolutely. Go stand in the middle of the street and wait for me, I'll be right back.
Emily:
You were on the phone?
Richard:
Long distance.
Lorelai:
God?
Richard:
London.
Lorelai:
God lives in London?
Richard:
My mother lives in London.
Lorelai:
Your mother is God?
Richard:
Lorelai...
Lorelai:
So, God *is* a woman.
Richard:
Lorelai.
Lorelai:
*And* a relative. That's so cool. I'm gonna totally ask for favors.
Richard:
Make her stop.
Rory:
Oh, that I could.
Michel:
Look, I've had my peace with the fact that everyone who calls here is a notch above brain dead, and that the pennies I am thrown each week are in exchange for me dealing with these people in a nonviolent manner. And usually that is fine, but today, sorry lady, I have ennui.
Rory:
Mom?
Lorelai:
Oh.
Rory:
You're happy.
Lorelai:
Yeah.
Rory:
Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai:
I'm not that happy.
[about new school]
Rory:
One of the girls already hates me. The guys are weird.
Lorelai:
Weirder than other guys?
Rory:
Yeah, they kept calling me Mary.
Lorelai:
You're kidding me. Wow, I can't believe they still say that.
Rory:
Why? What does it mean?
Lorelai:
It means like, Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody.
Rory:
You're kidding.
Lorelai:
No.
Rory:
Well what would they have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?
Lorelai:
Well, they might have added a Magdalene to it.
Rory:
Wow. Biblical insults. This is an advanced school.
Lorelai:
I really like him, Rory. I can't help it. And it's been a really long time since I've felt like this. You can't always control who you're attracted to, you know. I think the whole Angelina Jolie/Billy Bob Thronton thing really proves that
Lorelai:
[to Rory] I have to know where you are at all times, especially when you have my shoes on.
Rory:
So how was in seeing Max last night?
Lorelai:
Well...
Rory:
No
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gory details.
Lorelai:
Like I've ever shared that part of my relationship with you.
Rory:
You've alluded, you've insinuated, you have tiptoed to the brink of impropriety.
Lorelai:
Hm, that Chilton has taught you some big words.
Rory:
That's kind of the point.
Lorelai:
Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say 'Whoa. Step back. No one's that gay.'
Lorelai:
I have earned the right not to be quizzed about my social life by my sixteen-year-old daughter.
Rory:
I thought I was your best friend.
Lorelai:
When we're at a U2 concert, you are my best friend. But right now you are my sixteen-year-old daughter and I am telling you I do not want to have this conversation.
Lorelai:
I swear, there is nothing in the world my mother is better at than getting someone to agree to something that in any other universe, they would never ever consider.
Rory:
Mom.
Lorelai:
I am still convinced she had something to do with Lily Tomlin doing that movie with John Travolta.
Lorelai:
Hey Mom. You didn't make it back to the room last night. Did you get lucky?
Emily:
Could you be any cruder?
Lorelai:
Yeah, I can be cruder. Hey mom, did you get la...
Rory:
Thanks for coming. It was fun. Is everything okay?
Rory:
I'll tell all the ladies what a stud you are.
Michel:
I believe that memo has already been sent.
Luke:
Rory's not here yet.
Lorelai:
Then you'll have to entertain me until she arrives. Okay Burger boy, dance.
Luke:
Will you marry me?
[Lorelai is taken aback]
Luke:
Just looking for something to shut you up.
Sookie:
What's going on?
Lorelai:
Michel's gonna live forever.
Sookie:
Like the kids from 'Fame'?
Lorelai:
That's what I said.
Lorelai:
Someone hit you with a pretty stick.
Lorelai:
Hey, I'm studying in there...
Rory:
I know.
Lorelai:
Yeah. I have, like, 6,000 pages of case studies to memorize and this whole big test on the Wal-Mart phenomena coming up on Friday and because I have a life and a job and business school's not the only thing I have to concentrate on I'm behind, and I'll probably fail and then that little 18-year-old annoying gnat who sits behind me will get another 'A' and make that 'I'm smart you're dumb' fact to me for the rest of the week and I'll be very upset and will possibly cry.
Rory:
The music's too loud.
Lorelai:
Yes.
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Lorelai:
Hey, I have kind of a crazy idea.
Rory:
Those are never comforting words coming from you.
Lorelai:
Hey, you didn't wake me up.
Rory:
I set the clock.
Lorelai:
Yes, but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it against the wall giving me ample time to fall back to sleep. You, however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you, thus insuring the wake up process.
Lorelai:
I'm gonna have pancakes with a side of pancakes.
Rory:
So you did read this before.
Jess:
Yeah, about 40 times.
Rory:
I thought you said you didn't read much.
Jess:
What is much.
Lorelai:
Heh, you know what I just realized? "Oy" is the funniest word in the entire world.
Rory:
Hmm.
Lorelai:
I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.
Emily:
Oh dear God.
Lorelai:
"Poodle" is another funny word.
Emily:
Please drink your drink, Lorelai.
Lorelai:
In fact, if you put "oy" and "poodle" together, in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase, you know? Like, "Oy with the poodles already."
Rory:
Hehe.
Lorelai:
So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catchphrase:
Rory:
Oy with the poodles already.
Lorelai:
I'm telling you, it's knocking "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" right out of first place.
Lorelai:
Schooch down now and go to sleep.
[she moves Rory's armchair]
Rory:
What are you doing?
Lorelai:
Nothing, just a little feng shui, go to sleep.
Rory:
Mom, you don't have to sleep in here tonight.
Lorelai:
I know, I just think the chair looks nice here.
Rory:
And what's the blanket for?
Lorelai:
In case the chair gets cold.
Rory:
And the pillow?
Lorelai:
To keep the blanket company.
Rory:
Uh-huh.
Lorelai:
Okay, everything's in its place. Chair seems warm, blanket seems happy, just one thing missing... oh yeah.
[sits down in chair]
Lorelai:
Goodnight.
Rory:
Freak of sideshow proportions.
Lorelai:
I love you, too.
Rory:
Mom?
Lorelai:
Hmm?
Rory:
I'm sorry.
Lorelai:
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Shh, the chair is trying to sleep.
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Lorelai:
That's the *last* time I buy anything just because it's furry.
Jess:
Yeah women right, can't live with 'em can't stop them from jumping in closets... go figure.
Rory:
Yeah, as obvious as a man wearing sunglass with a dog selling pencils...
Lorelai:
I miss Max.
Rory:
I know.
Lorelai:
I had a dream about him the other night.
Rory:
Really? Dirty?
Lorelai:
No. Absolutely not. And when you're 21, I'll tell you the real answer.
Rory:
So, Grandpa, how's the insurance biz?
Richard:
Oh, people die, we pay. People crash, we pay. People lose a foot, we pay.
Lorelai:
Well, at least you have your new slogan.
Luke:
I'm different, I'm a loner.
Lorelai:
Oh no. No no. I don't want to hear about the romance of being a loner.
Luke:
Some guys are just naturally loners.
Lorelai:
Yes, lonely guys.
Luke:
Independent guys.
Lorelai:
Sad guys.
Luke:
Maverick guys.
Lorelai:
Lee Harvey Oswald.
Luke:
John Muir.
Lorelai:
The unabomber.
Luke:
Henry David Thoreau
Lorelai:
Every one of these sad and lonely guys.
Jess:
You didn't answer me.
Rory:
About what?
Jess:
Did you call me at all?
Rory:
No.
Jess:
Did you send me a letter?
Rory:
No.
Jess:
Postcard?
Rory:
No.
Jess:
Smoke signal?
Rory:
Stop.
Jess:
A nice fruit basket?
Rory:
Enough.
Jackson:
I think we should get married.
Sookie:
But - uh, but...
Jackson:
Soon.
Sookie:
Are you pregnant?
Jess:
Hey, if you're going to get all Ward Cleaver on me, I'm gonna have to call Eddie and Lumpy and tell I'm gonna be late.
Luke:
Shut up for a minute, will ya?
Luke:
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Taylor, no, no, no, no, and every day from now on 'til the end of my life, I am gonna come in here and say, "Taylor, no." And when I die, I'm gonna have them freeze me next to Ted Williams, and when they find the cure to what I died of and they unfreeze me, my first words are gonna be, "How's Ted?" followed closely by, "Taylor, no."
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Jess:
Why are you running so fast?
Rory:
Well our president says to exercise and I'm very patriotic.
Lorelai:
Okay, so, don't wait up and remember only 2 or 3 crack heads at the most, they eat all the good cereal.
Lorelai:
Let's invite everyone.
Sookie:
Everyone who?
Lorelai:
Everyone, everyone.
Sookie:
[gasps] Everyone, everyone who?
Jess:
Someone Devil-egged my car?
Lorelai:
What, did you break into our house, you got all dressed in black and pulled a Mission: Impossible?
Jess:
Actually, I came down the chimney and pulled a Santa Claus.
Lorelai:
Very funny.
Jess:
Thought a ridiculous accusation deserved a ridiculous response.
Luke:
When did that become acceptable? In the old days, a woman would never consider doing that in public. They'd go find a barn or a cave or something. I mean, it's indecent. This is a diner not a peep show.
Lorelai:
You ruined my joke.
Rory:
Um, no, the punch line ruined your joke.
Luke:
You go make her stop.
Lorelai:
I'm not going over there.
Luke:
Why not? You're a woman.
Lorelai:
So what?
Luke:
So you have the same parts.
Lorelai:
What?
Luke:
You shouldn't be scared of it.
Lorelai:
Scared of it? You know, you're gonna be a bachelor for a really long time.
Rory:
Agh, my shoes.
Lorelai:
You don't need shoes. In my day, we walked twenty miles in the snow just to get to our shoes.
Luke:
Maybe one place wasn't so bad.
Lorelai:
Oh good, describe it to me.
Luke:
I don't know. It had walls with a kind of a floor with a light.
Lorelai:
Okay, hold on here, mister. If you tell me it's got a roof, I'm stealing that baby out from under you.
Rory:
Why aren't you dancing?
Jess:
I'm dancing on the inside.
Rory:
You have nothing better to do all day, then sit around and watch a dance marathon?
Jess:
I don't know
[looks at Dean and directs his question to him]
Jess:
Do you have anything better to do all day, then sit around and watch a dance marathon?
Rory:
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I am dancing, I can not control where my glance goes, and when I can control it, my glance goes to Dean.
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ffa
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Jess:
You mean you can't control when you look at me, but you have to force yourself to look at him.
[talk to Dean]
Jess:
Sorry man that cold.
Lorelai:
No, Mom, I'm shopping for Rory. You're shopping for your imaginary granddaughter, Barbara Hutton.
Rory:
The sandwiches are for the dancers.
Jess:
I'm dancing on the inside.
Jess:
I'm just trying to support my town.
Rory:
Good, then go back to New York.
Jess:
Ooh, zinged I've been snapped.
Lorelai:
Be good. Ooh. Make sure you look in somebody's sock drawers. Rich people have hilarious sock drawers.
[Advice for Rory to answer the phone]
Lorelai:
If it's Mick Jagger, run away and ring the bell I gave you.
Jackson:
The rate I have children is between me and Sookie.
Luke:
And the lord,
[Lorelai gives him a look]
Luke:
still not helping?
Jackson:
I'm going home.
Sookie:
What about the contest?
Jackson:
To hell with the contest, I'm leaving as long as it's all right with Lorelai and Luke and that strange man in the corner who I never met before. Hello strange man in the corner is it okay if I quit this contest.
Luke:
Red meat kills, enjoy.
Lorelai:
You saved me, I love you, I want to have your baby... Oops too late.
Tristan:
He likes me.
Rory:
He's drunk.
[Sookie is getting ready to go on her first date with Jackson]
Sookie:
I'm scared.
Lorelai:
I know.
Sookie:
I like him.
Lorelai:
He likes you.
Sookie:
How do you know he's not being polite?
Lorelai:
Sookie!
Sookie:
No, I mean it. It's like I cornered him and he felt trapped and he had to say yes.
Lorelai:
He did not have to say yes.
Sookie:
Oh my God. Technically, I am his employer.
Lorelai:
Sookie!
Sookie:
I am. I buy his wares. His livelihood depends on me.
Lorelai:
Sookie!
Sookie:
Oh! I'm a sexual harasser!
Lorelai:
Well, then you need some false eyelashes.
Sookie:
This isn't funny. I am now desperate, lonely and a criminal.
Rory:
Poor Dean.
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Lorelai
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:
Poor Dean, he has to spend one evening with him. I share chromosomes with the guy.
Luke:
How about that one?
Lorelai:
Too pale. Pale means sickly.
Luke:
Or sunscreen.
Lorelai:
Or mad cow disease.
Luke:
Pale does not mean mad cow disease.
Lorelai:
Have you ever had mad cow disease?
Luke:
Twice last week and my coloring was great.
Paris:
For example, I can instantly deduce that when someone hears the name Paris in the same sentence with the word date, jaws will drop, confused looks will cover faces, words like 'how' and 'why' and 'Quick, Bob, get the children in the minivan because the world is obviously coming to an end.' will immediately fly out of people's mouths.
Paris:
I can't do this.
Rory:
What?
Paris:
Date. I can't date. I'm not genetically set up for it.
Rory:
Not true.
Paris:
I get no pleasure out of the prospect or the preparation. I'm covered in hives, I've showered four times, and for what? Some guy who doesn't even have the brains to buy a Zagat so we don't wind up in a restaurant that's really just a front for a cocaine laundering ring?
Lorelai:
Oh, but I got here early and there was nothing to do except feed gummy bears to the bomb-sniffing dogs which, apparently, the United States government frowns upon.
Rory:
You got in trouble with the government while you were waiting for me?
Lorelai:
Just a little.
Rory:
How much is a little?
Lorelai:
Learn Russian.
Lorelai:
Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke.
Rory:
Was he naked?
Lorelai:
No. He was making breakfast.
Rory:
Naked?
Lorelai:
Ok, you have been in Washington for way too long.
Lorelai:
Kirk asked me out.
Rory:
Shut up!
Lorelai:
Yesterday.
Rory:
That's so sweet!
Lorelai:
Rory!
Rory:
What are you gonna wear? Ooh, you should wear your dress with the ponies on it, I bet he likes ponies.
Lorelai:
You're not serious.
Rory:
I bet you'll have a good time.
Lorelai:
"Hello, headmaster Charleston, this is my stepdad, Kirk. Try not to make any sudden movements, he's a fear biter!"
Rory:
OK, so how are you gonna let him down?
Rory:
[to Logan as they enter his house for dinner]
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Remind me to tell you about the time my mom wore her rhinestone penis T-shirt to dinner and Grandma had her car towed.
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fed
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Jess's New Girfriend:
Hi.
Jess:
Hi.
[they kiss]
Jess's New Girfriend:
So?
Jess:
One sec.
Jess's New Girfriend:
Jess!
Jess:
Relax!
[closes his book, turns to Luke]
Jess:
I'm out!
Rory:
Ladies and gentlemen, an entire conversation in one word sentences.
Dean:
[walks into Luke's] OK, don't hate me, but I already ate breakfast.
Lorelai:
See, nice, full sentences.
Dean:
What?
Rory:
Don't ruin it.
Dean:
OK...
Lorelai:
There goes my little girl, off to rule the world!
Rory:
Paris will be ruling the world, I will be holding the keys.
Rory:
Wow, you're pretty, you're smart. Now all you need as a drunken relative behind the scenes embarrassing you with every move they make.
Rory:
Will you get on that?
Lorelai:
I'm two steps ahead of you.
Michel:
And you must always be extremely careful of your paddle movements.
Lorelai:
Well, that certainly calls for a "Dirty."
Michel:
Mm, how's your arm raise? Good?
Lorelai:
Pretty good.
Michel:
Ah, I have an excellent arm raise.
Lorelai:
That's what it says on the bathroom wall.
Lorelai:
I think I have gangrene.
Rory:
You do not.
Lorelai:
And vertigo.
Rory:
Oh boy.
Lorelai:
And one leg suddenly feels shorter than the other.
Rory:
This is gonna be the Vanity Fair paper cut incident all over again, isn't it?
Luke:
Ow.
Lorelai:
Luke, are you okay?
Luke:
Stupid box. Stupid lamp.
Lorelai:
Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?
Rory:
...I want you to come over here to this dresser, open up the top drawer and take out everything that you'd be embarrassed to be wearing during a car accident. Meet me downstairs. Move.
Lorelai:
I thought inviting those girls out would make things easier for you at school.
Rory:
Yeah, well I've always thought 'easy' is completely overrated.
Lorelai:
Oh, that's my twisted girl.
Emily:
I did not steal your father I simply gave him a choice.
Richard:
When you came to my fraternity in that blue dress, I had no choice.
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Lorelai
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:
You stole my father with fashion.
Emily:
I can't believe you remember the dress.
Lorelai:
I can't believe you were the other woman.
Richard:
If my wife wants the first cup of tea, she is going to get the first cup of tea.
Richard:
I'm playing golf with Payton's father today.
Lorelai:
Okay... wear sunscreen.
Rory:
I can't even open my eyes.
Lorelai:
That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.
Rory:
Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again.
Paris:
You lost my number?
Jamie:
Nope, I memorized your number.
Paris:
You didn't wanna use my number?
Jamie:
I was starting classes.
Paris:
In phone dialing? How's it going?
Luke:
Very romantic.
Lorelai:
Says the man who yelled "Finally." at the end of Love Story.
Jess:
Hi.
Rory:
Hey.
Jess:
Hi.
Lorelai:
Hi.
Jess:
Hi.
Luke:
Hi.
Rory:
I have to get to school.
Jess:
Yeah, me too.
Rory:
Bye
Jess:
Bye. Bye.
Lorelai:
Bye.
Rory:
Bye.
Lorelai:
Bye.
Rory:
Bye.
Luke:
Bye.
[Jess and Rory leave]
Luke:
What the hell was that?
Lorelai:
That was episode one of Rory and Jess: The Early Years.
Lorelai:
Rory, we're home.
Richard:
Lorelai, you really should think about...
Lorelai:
Rory, for the love of God be home.
Lorelai:
Please do not tell me that you are sitting right in front of me.
Emily:
No, it's a hologram. Life like, isn't it?
[regarding Kirk]
Rory:
He was always a cat person. He just never had a cat.
Jess:
[to Rory] So are we gonna sing School House rock songs?
Luke:
This is Liz's kid, Jess. Jess, this is Mia, Lorelai's boss, she owns the Independence Inn
Mia:
Hello.
Jess:
Hmmph.
Luke:
That's "Hello, nice to meet you." in slacker.
Mia:
The town had a fake murder?
Lorelai:
Yes, because the town is too dull to have a real murder.
Luke:
Well, Taylor, I'm a two inch kinda guy.
Principal:
...And five hundred baseballs have suddenly come up missing.
Luke:
Jess, didn't take them, I swear. He has no use for baseballs.
Principal:
[gives Luke the look]
Luke:
I'll check when I get home.
Luke:
Jess, you can't just shove a girl in a closet.
Jess:
She got in voluntarily.
Rory:
[to Lorelai] This from a woman with a Hello Kitty waffle iron.
[Doorbell rings]
Lorelai:
Who the hell rings a doorbell at a party? Bring your ass in here.
[Richard and Emily come in]
Lorelai:
Or in this case, bring your asses in here.
Richard:
I'm going to call that man.
Alan:
Richard, it's past midnigh
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