advertisement Eric: A mother feeding her child is the most beautiful picture in the world. Annie: Do you have any idea how much this hurts? Ruthie: You're the worst babysitter I ever had. Simon: That's not what you said two hours ago. Ruthie: Yeah, well that was before you made me wear the staircase. Mary: Is there a law against beating up you brother? Cause I swear, I'll get arrested. [about Simon] Annie: As soon as I get some rest, the little blond boy is mine. Ruthie: Bad words make me sound bad. Simon: No, bad words make you sound stupid. Ruthie: You two better not make a lot of noise and wreck my date. Simon: It's not a date, it's a play date. You're eight. I'm going on a date. Annie: It's not a date, you're twelve. It's a birthday dinner. [Annie is showing Ruthie her baby book] Annie: See my tummy? That's you. Ruthie: Maybe I never should have come out. Annie: But... look what you would've missed... riding on Daddy's shoulders... and Simon rocking you on the front porch... and Mary... giving you a bath in the kitchen sink. Ruthie: My butt was a lot smaller then. Annie: All of our... bottoms were a lot smaller then. [During labor] Annie: Give me your hand. Eric: Why? Are you hurting? Annie: [sarcastically] No. I'm feeling... romantic. Simon: How ya doing, kid? Lucy: Get out of my face. Simon: You're okay. Ruthie: I'm going to be an inferior decorator. Ruthie: Do you have to have special clothes to feel special? I just put on a clean pair of underwear and I feel great. Simon: We're all just pawns being manipulated by the corruption of politics and big business anyway. Knowing about our health and environment, we just make bigger gas guzzling SUV's, package the... the food in plastic which leaches poisons into our bodies, sell arms to other countries, then declare war on them because they use them, and make paper towels and tissue? That'll only promote waste. [Eric is tucking his youngest sons in to bed] Eric: I love you guys. Sam: I love Spiderman. David: I love Batman. Eric: I love Batman too. Sam: What about Spiderman? Eric: I love him too. David: Which do you love more? Eric: ...Batman. David: Why? Eric: I have no idea. Good night boys. [tucks the boys in and steps into the hall] Eric: That was the best conversation I had all day. Lucy Camden: You're right. They're not officially engaged, but if they get married before us, you're a dead man and they won't have to get me a jury because I'll proudly plead guilty. Rev. Morgan Hamilton: We cannot fight hate with hate. What are we teaching our children today? That will make things better tomorrow? Eric: There's always going to be somebody who'll try to take your dignity and self-esteem. Just never let them take your voice. Annie: Ginger... somebody. What do you mean you don't know? How can you not know? How many "Ginger"s do you have there? Is there a "Ginger" convention in town or something? Eric: Well, the wind is real, but you can't see the wind. You know, you can only see the leaves rustling in the trees. Pain is real but you can't see pain. You can only see tears. Happiness is real, but you can't see happiness. You can only see the smile on someone's face. Jordan: My mom's not thrilled with the idea of teenagers of the opposite sex left together in a basement unchaperoned to sleep. I think it's ridiculous. No-one's going to do anything in a crowd, and if someone wants to have sex they're going to find a way. They don't have to go to a party to do it. Annie: Teenagers. Eric: Yeah, if you don't like their mood, wait 10 minutes. Matt: This is Bernie, Mary Camden's attorney. Credit Card Collector: Mary Camden can't afford to pay a $50 bill but she has an attorney? Matt: I'm gonna be... a gynaecologist. Annie: Well, he does love women. Lucy Camden: I want to be a minister because I want to be like my dad. I want to do what he does, I want to be who he is in the community. I want to serve God and I want to serve mankind. And I believe that this is my purpose in life and I was guided to that purpose in a unique way, by being the daughter of a minister. Eric: All right, Simon, I don't like what you have been doing. And it's really difficult to believe that after growing up in this family, you could just so easily abandon what you've been taught and what I think you believe and... I do love you, son, I do. I hate what you've been doing, but I love you. Lucy Camden: I swear, you guys gossip more than old ladies. Martin: Maybe someday I'll marry a girl with a lot of brothers and sisters. Ruthie: Yeah, maybe you will. Martin Brewer: Ruthie's like my sister. Mac: Are you trying to convince me, or are you trying to convince yourself? Annie: I'm losing a son-in-law whom I love and adore, and I'm getting... Rose? Lucy Camden: I had no idea this was your life. Mike Pierce: My life's just fine and you know why? I'm alive... and I'm grateful for every second of every day. Simon: Hey, what's going on? Ruthie: Go away. Simon: Go away? Come on, it's... it's me, it's Simon... I'm your favorite sibling, I'm the guy you shared a room with, let me in... come on, Cecilia already won't talk to me, I can't take you not talking to me too. Simon: Who do you think you are, grabbing the phone out of my hand like that? Ruthie: Someone who needed to make a phone call and I made it, so you can have your stupid phone back. Simon: Isn't it a rule in this house that we have to respect each other or at least pretend to respect each other? Ruthie: Well, no one respects me. No one even pretends to. Lucy Camden: This can't be happening. This can't be happening. Mike Pierce: It is happening, wake up. Ruthie: Good night, Simon, love you. Simon: Yeah... I love you too... but you don't have to say it every night. Lucy: What kind of name is 'Joy' anyway? Mary: The kind of name that explains the look on Robbie's face. Annie: You may be weird, but at least you'll all be my honest little weirdos. Mary: Cheese covers a myriad of sins. [the boys are talking to Annie] Sam: I got a cookie under my pillow. David: I already ate mine. Annie: Why would you put a cookie under your pillow? Is it because there's no place in the kitchen to put your cookies? David: No, it's for emergencies. [Eric to Annie] Eric: Are you aware that our living room is filled with children who don't belong to us? [Rabbi Glass telling Matt about his worst argument with Rosina] Rabbi Richard Glass: Let me tell you something, man, those were the worst four minutes of my life. Rev. Camden: You know what the scariest thing in my life is? Simon: Those bowling shoes? [Ben is reading Lucy's diary] Kevin Kinkirk: So, you're snooping in the name of God? Ruthie: Nice duds. Does Santa know you stole his elfs' pajamas? Eric: You, Lucy Camden, are an outstanding person. And if they gave out an award for the best in the human race, you would win it year after year. Eric: If you'll excuse me, I have to put my head through a wall. Lucy Camden: Sunday is not the new Saturday night. Sam Camden: I wanna see Lucy bein' a preacher. [Ben is talking to Ruthie on the phone] Ruthie: My parents can't get divorced, you big ape, I won't let them! Matt: The only thing worse than a lecture from Dad... Mary: ...is a lecture from the Colonel. Kevin: She's crazy. Sam, David: *Cra-zy*. Kevin: But I love her. Sam, David: We love her too. Lucy Camden: I told you something bad was going to happen. When she's in the middle of her crab legs, it'll suddenly occur to her that Chandler is not the guy for her and she'll find us and... Oh my God. She said he was going to ask her to marry him. Ugh. I hate her. I hate him too. They don't even know each other. Kevin and I know each other. We're in love with each other. We should be getting engaged tonight. Not them. I may look like the crazy person, but they're the crazy people. Crazy people who are going to get married before I do. When I see Kevin, he is so going to get a piece of my heart. He probably knows Chandler is going to propose to her and that's why he is being nice and going through all this trouble. Jimmy Moon: Are you crazy? Lucy Camden: Crazy like a fox, my friend. [about Ben's girlfriends] Kevin Kinkirk: There's always something wrong with the girls you pick. Ben Kinkirk: What about Mary? Kevin Kinkirk: I rest my case. Kevin Kinkirk: Lucy Camden, will you marry me? Lucy Camden: [to God] Thank you. [to Kevin] Lucy Camden: Yes, Kevin Kinkirk, I will marry you. Eric: You expect me to believe that you have to choose between family and that low life, cradle-robbing sky jockey? Annie: Who is in the hospital? Eric: The hospitalized. Roxanne Richardson: Aren't you ministers supposed to preach forgiveness? Lucy Camden: I'm not a minister yet, I don't preach anything. Annie: I need to talk to you in the living room. Sam: You're in trouble. Tell her you're sorry and you'll never do it again. Eric: I don't think that will work for me. David: Tell her Happy did it. Eric: I don't think that will work for me either. [Eric is telling Annie about the nightmare he had] Eric: I was marrying Kevin and Lucy in my underwear. Eric: Don't try to ruin a perfectly good night of spying on the kids with logic. Annie: You want a piece of me? I brought seven kids into this world, I can take one out. Lucy: If you ever want to make detective, you have to be a whole lot nosier. Simon: What's for breakfast? Annie: Any cereal in the cupboard you want. Annie: The fact that my kid is more concerned with the punishment than the crime tells me something. And you know what it tells me? My kid is a weenie. Mary: So I guess I'm grounded for life? Annie: That's a given. Simon: [to Deena] What about Ruthie as Maid of Honor? Ruthie: No thanks. I don't want to be anyone's maid. I don't clean good. No elbow power. [Eric and Annie are taking Ruthie into school for her first day of Kindergarten] Ruthie: You took him? Eric: We took all of you. Ruthie: He told me he took a cab and paid for it all by himself. Eric: Cabs are very cheap on Planet Simon. Kevin Kinkirk: So what if Lucy is stubborn and slightly insane. Ruthie: You've got money, you've got new clothes, and women are unexplainably attracted to you. Are you Spiderman or something? Eric: Do you want me to help? Simon: Do I want you to help me? Of course, I want you to help me. But you can't. I have to be a grown up tonight. [about himself to a patient] Matt: The vampire returns... Simon: Ruthie... how ya doing? Ruthie: Fine, how are you doing? Simon: Fine... but I'm not in school. Ruthie: ...bye. Simon: Wait... how is school? Ruthie: Fine, except for algerbra. Simon: You're lying... no one said anything to you about me? Ruthie: Well, why would they? Simon: Becase I'm your brother and... the kid on the bike was your age. Ruthie: He didn't go to my school. Simon: Look, you don't have to protect me. I have it easier than you, I'm not in school. Ruthie: [hugs him] Simon, no one has it harder than you. Mary: Why can't you talk to me? Wilson West: No offense, but you're not in the club. Mary: HELLO-MY-NAME-IS-MARY. Eric: Mary, he's French, not deaf. Eric: You know in some ways your mother hasn't changed since the day I married her over twenty years ago. Matt: And in other ways? Eric: She's mean. Really, really mean. Simon: I guess my inner voice was telling me... you're going to hell anyway for killing that guy... so I might as well have sex. Ruthie: [to Robbie and Lucy] By the power invested in me, in *me*, I now pronounce you a couple. You may now kiss you ex-girlfriend's sister. You know, you guys should really go on a talk show. Gladys Bink: They're all nuts! Annie: There is one thing I've noticed about teenage boys from watching your sisters, and that is they all come back. Sooner or later, all of them come back. Lucy Camden: [to Kevin about Roxanne and Chandler dating] This is all your fault! You brought home that... [Kevin clamps his hand over her mouth] Chandler Hampton: Surely you don't think Roxanne is what you were just about to call her? Kevin Kinkirk: No, she doesn't. Lucy Camden: [at the same time] Yes, I do. Matt: [to Kevin] Consider this your initiation in to the Camden family. It's one thing to give my sister a ring, marry her and father a child. It's another thing, a better thing to join her brother in a good old-fashioned family caper. Lucy: Today, I am not your daughter, your sister or your wife, I am Lucy Kinkirk. The Reverend Lucy Kinkirk. Lucy: Is there anything you want to tell me? Simon: Aren't you that Camden who finds out everything last? You know, 'cause if I change something as basic to the family structure as that, this family might just fall apart. Lucy: I doubt it. Matt: Come on! We can't have a caper like that and keep secrets from each other. Come on! We're brothers. Chandler Hampton: Female logic is fascinating. Martin Brewer: I made a mistake. A big mistake. Beau: Everyone makes mistakes. Martin Brewer: Not like this one... I got a girl pregnant and I'm gonna be a father. Lucy: [after seeing Sandy's mother and stepfather] I think I liked the drunk father better. Eric: He certainly was warmer. Ruthie: Martin Brewer loves me, finally. Ruthie: I don't think I'll be wearing this hat any more. Simon: [completely unaware that his sister dropped it in the toilet] Hey, I'll take it. Ruthie: Okay. Simon: Okay, okay I'm flexible. Guy: Stupid Americans. Eric, Annie, Ruthie, Simon, Mary, Lucy, Matt: [all at same time] We heard that! [Eric is banging his head against the wall] Annie: Could you not do that, honey? I don't have time to plaster. Matt: What's wrong with Luce? Mary: God hates her. Matt: Still? You'd think after 13 years he'd move on to someone else. [as Eric bangs his head into a wall during a visit from both of their parents] Annie: Honey, honey, not now. I don't have time to plaster. [as Annie bangs her head into a wall after being told her father is remarrying] Eric: Honey, honey, not now. I-I don't know how to plaster. [to her friend after agreeing with Eric to a subtle approach] Gladys Bink: You are such a liar! [Eric looks dumbfounded] Gladys Bink: Subtle never really worked for me.