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Jay Sherman:
Lady, don't take this the wrong way, but you're nuts!
Old Lady:
Oh, you sound just like the toaster.
Duke Phillips:
Why the hell do you have to be so critical?
Jay Sherman:
I'm a critic.
Duke Phillips:
No, your job is to rate movies on a scale from "good" to "excellent".
Jay Sherman:
What if I don't like them?
Duke Phillips:
That's what "good" is for.
Jay Sherman:
Mom. Dad. I never made you laugh.
Franklin:
Well, I did chuckle a bit when you tried to eat that bird and fell over the cliff.
Eleanor:
No Franklin, that was the Roadrunner.
Jay Sherman:
No, that was me.
Duke Phillips:
Well, like most of America's cultural elite, I worship Pan, goat god.
Duke Phillips:
Thank you, Jay. After I die, you can eat my brain. It will give you power.
[Jay gets struck in the head with a shotput]
Jay Sherman:
Skull cracked. Brains leaking out. Can't wait to see new Chevy Chase movie...
Jay Sherman:
Don't worry son, if you think that only handsome musicians can get beautiful women, I have two words for you: Lyle Lovett.
Marty Sherman:
I thought that he was handsome.
Jay Sherman:
You're thinking of Jon Lovitz. With his good looks, he takes the cake.
Theater Clerk:
Excuse me, the show's over.
Alice Tompkins:
Get away, pipsqueak.
Jay Sherman:
That's why I love her.
[filming a commercial]
Orson Welles:
Rosebud... yes, Rosebud frozen peas. Full of country goodness and green peaness. Wait, that's terrible. I quit.
Jay Sherman:
Well, first of all, I'd like to thank you for all the years of laughter and tears!
Adam West:
What tears would those be?
Jay Sherman:
Why, tears of... laughter!
Doris:
Kiss my surprisingly firm butt.
Judge:
Mr. Phillips, please answer the question!
Duke Phillips:
All right! Yes, I sold the mustard gas to Qaddafi!
Judge:
What?
Duke Phillips:
Uh... mustard... gives me gas, as does taffy.
Judge:
I have the same problem with fresh fruit.
Jay Sherman:
What's that sulfur smell coming from the egg bin? Ah it must mean the eggs have ripened. Wait a minute! Eggs don't ripen! Eggs don't ripen!
Jay Sherman:
[yelling] Who died and made you El Presidente?
Marty Sherman:
[whispering] Dad, that's Castro!
Duke Phillips:
Gaze into the hypnotic power of my evil eye.
[Eye flashes]
Duke Phillips:
Is there a follow-up question?
Reporter:
[hypnotized] How may I serve you, evil one?
Jay Sherman:
So... Ardeth... How's my favorite ex-wife?
Ardeth:
The judge says every time you speak to me it'll cost you a hundred dollars.
Jay Sherman:
Here's TWO hundred. Get bent!
Jay Sherman:
[singing] I love French films, pretentious boring French films, I love French Films, two tickets s'il vous pla顃!
[man punches him]
Jay Sherman:
Ow.
Jay Sherman:
[finishing a movie review] and that's why Goldie Hawn should be shot!
Franklin Sherman:
I was the head of a trucker's union once. That reminds me, there's a lot of money and some dead bodies buried in the back yard!
Franklin Sherman:
[after Jay sees his lost son on TV] Just reach in there an pull him out! That's how I met 'the Fonz'!
Alice Tompkins:
Whenever he sings to me, I melt like butter on a bagel. God, I've been in New York too long.
[Jay is getting "hair" sprayed on his head before a show]
Jay Sherman:
Ah, this new stuff feels great. Where'd you get it?
Doris:
Some kid was spray painting "King Dork" on your car with it.
Marty Sherman:
But I can't act!
Drama Teacher:
That's what a young Steve Guttenberg said to me, but look at him now! No, wait... look at him four years ago.
Duke Phillips:
I like to think of you as a big, fat toilet I flush all my money down... sort of a Johnny Cash.
William Shatner:
Hello-I'm-William-Shatner-and-this-is-"Celebrity " Tonight-we-devote-the-entire-hour-to-police-calls-involving-James-Caan...
[makes face]
William Shatner:
CAAN!
Franklin:
I have a new girlfriend for you, son. Her name is Barbie and she lives in Mali-boo. She already has a boyfriend named Ken, but he's not much of a man,
[whispering]
Franklin:
... I checked.
[End Credits]
Usher:
Excuse me, sir. The show's over.
Jay Sherman:
Is the snack bar still open?
Jay Sherman:
That's why the best actor of this generation and every generation is Ned Beaty.
Doris:
What could you do with me in three days?
Duke Phillips:
Honey, I could make you Mrs. Ernest Borgnine.
Doris:
Pass.
Jay Sherman:
I can't die like this! I have holes in my Little Mermaid underwear!
[Doris is dragging Sherman down the stairs]
Doris:
Let me know if you're suffering any brain damage...
Jay Sherman:
[falsetto] Dance with me, Tony! Dance with me!
Doris:
You're fine.
[repeated line]
Jay Sherman:
It stinks!
[repeated line]
Jay Sherman:
Hotchie Motchie!
Jay Sherman:
Celebrity voices are impersonated. No celebrities were harmed in the filming of this episode.
[on phone]
Eleanor:
Jay, this is your mother. Your father and I are taking you out of our will, we feel you already have enough money. Oh yes, and happy birthday!
Duke Phillips:
Look, this isn't art, it's just mindless pabulum for losers who can barely read. Oh that reminds me, I've got an interview with People Magazine.
Jay Sherman:
I always have to look my sexiest. That's why I'm wearing these tight, size 42 pants.
Jay Sherman:
Take your genitalia right back to Australia!
Jeremy:
Jay, we have a saying in Australia... well, it's not really a saying, it's a drinking song. It's about a bottle of beer and the men who loved her... and it doesn't really apply here, but my advice to you is slow down.
Jay Sherman:
Please you've got to tell me, did a beautiful woman leave my apartment?
Doorman:
I wouldn't know, I've been drinking in the alley all morning.
Rod McKuen:
[a scene from "Rabbi P.I."] If you're really a Rabbi, circumcise this baby.
Arnold Schwarzenegger:
[throws the scalpel at the father, hitting him square in the heart and killing him] Hava nagila, baby.
[on phone]
Gene Shalit:
Hi, this is Gene Shalit. I'm having a bad hair day, if you don't believe me, look out the window!
Duke Phillips:
I'm giving you five days of my time to turn you around.
Jay Sherman:
What if five days isn't enough?
Duke Phillips:
Son, I spent just three days with a young man named Bill Clinton and look at him now.
Jay Sherman:
Maybe you should've taken four.
Duke Phillips:
Yeah...
Jay Sherman:
...And that's why I'm glad The Beatles broke up!
[in Indecent Proposal II movie]
Robert Redford:
I'd like to sleep with your wife and I'm prepared to pay... $
Demi Moore:
Last time you paid us a million.
Robert Redford:
I know, at the time I was worth $1,000,
Jay Sherman:
Next year you could be head of the studio.
Security Guard:
No, last year I was head of the studio. 12-picture deal with Shelly Long seemed like a good idea.
Jay Sherman:
Jeremy, you're just an actor, you don't know how to use that thing!
Jeremy:
It's just a gun for godsakes, not a bloody Xerox machine!
Gene Siskel:
Well I thought that movie was very poignant. Especially the part where Tom Cruise is going around Las Vegas with a bucket full of his brother.
Roger Ebert:
Aw, c'mon, Gene. That was just another pointless sequel that didn't need to be made.
Gene Siskel:
This, from the man who liked 'Benji the Hunted?'
Roger Ebert:
Hey, you liked 'Carnosaur!'
Gene Siskel:
Well I bet you'll like this!
[punches thrown]
Gene Siskel:
Hasta la vista, Porky!
Roger Ebert:
Cue ball in the side pocket!
[punches thrown]
[on phone]
Al Pacino:
HOO-AH! Jay this is Al HOO-AH Pacino. I can't stop saying HOO-AH! Go see my new movie, Godfather Part HOO-AH!
Jay Sherman:
[Driving a truck] I've got to keep driving, I can't stop for anything!
Roadside Farmer:
Meet Ingmar Bergman, 25 cents!
Jay Sherman:
[Disappointed] Oh...
[Keeps on driving]
Roadside Farmer:
[to Bergman] Well, you'd best get back to the strawberry patch with Polanski and Bertolucci.
Marty Sherman:
Being President's hard work. And all the other kids want to do is goof off and eat candy.
Jay Sherman:
Son, as President, you're above that.
[remembers Ronald Reagan being sworn in]
Ronald Reagan:
I do solemnly swear that as your President, I will goof off and eat candy.
[falls asleep at podium]
Crowd:
Four more years! Four more years!
Jay Sherman:
You're old enough to be my mother.
Doris:
So? You're fat enough to be my car.
Theater Employee:
Excuse me, sir. The movie's over.
Jay Sherman:
I'm stuck in the chair!
Jay Sherman:
Well, here's what I think...
[Jay's interrupted by Duke]
Duke Phillips:
Sorry, son, our research shows that people don't care what you think. They just tune in for the funny clips.
Alice Thompkins:
Listen to your heart.
Jay Sherman:
Everybody always says that.
Jay's Stomach:
Nobody ever listens to me!
Orson Wells:
I have gone to a better place. A place filled with Mrs. Pell's Fish Sticks. Yes! Oh yes! They're even better when you're dead!
Franklin Sherman:
I'm not wearing pants. I split my pants and now I'm not wearing pants.
Duke Phillips:
I'm gonna run this country like I run my company. I'm gonna raid the pension fund, dump chemicals in the oceans, and sell our best assets to the Japanese.
Ronald Reagan:
Ooh! Looks like Reaganomics is making a comeback.
Duke Phillips:
Half you states are in the toilet, and you're not coming out! New York, you know what I'm talking about. California, kiss your smoggy butt goodbye! New England, you're going back to Old England.
Queen Elizabeth:
Oh, I don't want that.
Prince Charles:
More poison? I mean, tea?
Queen Elizabeth:
Don't mind if I do. Oops. Almost had me there.
[She hits him over the head with her scepter, knocking him unconscious]
[a scene from Arnold Schwarzenegger in "Rabbi P.I."]
[a bum comes up to Arnold and pulls out a gun]
Bum:
Eat lead, rabbi!
[Arnold pulls out a shotgun and shoots him]
Arnold:
Sorry. That's not kosher.
Franklin:
Son, I'm going to run for Vice President. And I'm going to be honest with the American people, I'm not going to wear this toupee anymore!
[Rips the hair off the top of his scalp]
Jay Sherman:
Dad, you don't wear a toupee.
Franklin:
I will from now on.
Cyrus Thompkins:
Fine, I'll come back tomorrow, you think about it and talk it over with your gay friend.
Alice Thompkins:
Jay is not gay!
Jay Sherman:
[offscreen] Thank you! Not that I've been eavesdropping...
[Jay plays an accordian while he sings]
Jay Sherman:
[singing] Cyrus is just a virus / He wants to tie you down while you're still young / Your potential is what's essential / You can someday be another Connie Chuuuuuuung!
[Alice's estranged, philandering husband tries to woo her back with singing]
Cyrus Thompkins:
[singing] Lover, without you there's no other...
Jay Sherman:
[interrupting, singing] Give him a chance, he'll do your mother.
[Jay plays his answering machine]
Gene Siskel:
[on machine] Hey, Jay! It's Gene Siskel. I've decided I'd like YOU to be my new partner. Let me know if you're game so I can tell Rex Reed to get lost.
[beep]
Roger Ebert:
[on machine] Jay, it's Roger Ebert. How'd you like to be my new partner? Give me a call so I can get Rex Reed out of my hair.
[beep]
Rex Reed:
[on machine] Jay, it's Rex Reed. I don't care if you got the job. I've got a NEW partner.
[a monkey screeches on the tape]
Rex Reed:
[on machine, proudly] That's right, Pauline Kael!
Jay Sherman:
God love her, Mom, I couldn't change her mind. You should be proud she has your will.
Eleanor Sherman:
She may have my will, but she doesn't have my gun!
Dressmaker:
We dressmakers have a very strict code, so I need to know. Do you deserve to wear virginial white? Because if you don't, you'll have to wear an off white, what we call a "hussy white". So which will it be? White white?
Margo Sherman:
Yes... um, except for the gloves.
[first episode of the web series]
Jay Sherman:
Hello, this is Jay Sherman, coming to you at the speed of light!
[cut to wide shot; Jay's legs are still loading]
Jay Sherman:
Come on. Come on. Oh, my God! Are my legs that fat?
[Legs done loading]
Jay Sherman:
Ah, that's better.
Jay Sherman:
My least favorite part was when you spit poison in the obnoxious fat guy's face!
[Dilophosaurus hisses and spits at him]
Jay Sherman:
I did not see that coming.
Jay Sherman:
[to son on phone] And remember, you don't have to listen to your stomach.
Jay's Stomach:
What was that hogwash you've been feedin' the boy?
Jay Sherman:
Nothing, Master, I said nothing.
Jay's Stomach:
Very well. Now dance for me!
[dances to Arabian tune]
Fat Camp Counselor:
You've lost two pounds.
Jay Sherman:
Yes! Back to my college weight!
Police Chief:
[in "Beverly Hills Robo K9 Cop and a Half 2" movie] You'll be partnering with a woman, a cute little kid, an ugly old dog, a dinosaur, and a leprechaun.
Leprechaun:
I'll be your lucky charm!
[Leprechaun explodes]
Police Officer:
[who looks suspiciously like Arnold S] You think you've got problems? I'm partnered with a pig, an alien, Siamese twins, a sofa, and a second rate mime.
Duke Phillips:
[on the phone with Webster's Dictionary] And how's that other word I invented doing, "Duke-licious?" Nobody's using it? What a "Duke-tastrophe...
[Reviewing Haing S. Ngor in "The Killing Fields"]
Jay Sherman:
If you ask me, he should've gone to the "Acting Fields"!
Eleanor:
Can't one dinner pass where we don't talk about your rotting corpse?
Franklin:
Oh son, if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times... who are all you people?
Jeremy:
Bubbie, never marry an actress. And never do blackface at the NAACP Image Awards... two things I've learned from experience.
Jay Sherman:
Why are you helping me?
Jeremy:
Because you're the only decent guy I've met in this whole Godforsaken country. I love you, mate.
Jay Sherman:
Wow, twice in one day!
Vlada Villamiravitch:
I love you too.
Jay Sherman:
You just love me for my money.
Vlada Villamiravitch:
This is true, but it is a love that will never die.
Jay Sherman:
Oh, my shrink was right! God does hate me!
Jay Sherman:
I'm sitting on a volcano of rage and I have nowhere to release it.
Marty Sherman:
Hey, here's a critic's pass to the new Sylvester Stallone picture.
Jay Sherman:
What's it about?
Marty Sherman:
He plays a concert pianist who...
Jay Sherman:
[Jumping up] To the multiplex!
Marty Sherman:
Yay!
Duke Phillips:
Jay, we need something to take the edge off of you. Hmm. How bout a sassy black kid? He can call you "Uncle J," and you can call him "Little Shabazz."
Franklin:
There's a reason there's a banana in my ear. I'm trying to lure the monkey out of my head.
Eleanor:
Franklin, my life is an endless grey corridor.
Franklin:
I've been there too. Usually there's a midget making googly eyes at me. I call him Mr. Picolini.
Dressmaker:
Whoopsie, I swallowed a pin. That's gonna be a fun little journey.
Jay's ex-wife:
Jay, your alimony payment is eight minutes late; I'm calling my lawyer.
Franklin:
Great news, Wilson! My wife is happy!
Owl:
Who?
Franklin:
My wife, Eleanor.
Owl:
Who?
Franklin:
My wife, Eleanor.
[hours later]
Owl:
Who?
Franklin:
My wife, Eleanor.
Jay Sherman:
On the Shermometer this film rates an absolute zero! BRRR!
Reporter:
Mr. Phillips you are fabiously wealthy, you're a world class athlete, you were great in bed last night. How does that feel?
Duke Phillips:
I have no one to envy. I envy you having me to envy.
Theater Employee:
Excuse me sir, the show is over.
Jay Sherman:
But I have no where to go.
[Satan is disguised as a man during an interview with Gene Siskel]
Satin:
Tim Allen gives that same likeable performance we've always love. Once again proving Disney Pictures have the magical touch that may not win awards but keep America smiling. How's that?
Gene Siskel:
You're Satan aren't you?
Satin:
[transforms back into himself] You've won another round Siskel. But we shall meet again!
Jay Sherman:
You're watching Fox. Give us ten minutes and we'll give you an ass.
[in Jurassic Park 2]
John Hammond:
You may have us. But you'll never get off the island!
Raptor:
[with a well spoken English accent] I beg to differ. You see, the other Raptors and I have constructed a crude suspension bridge to Venezuela. Once there, I shall lie low and assume odd-jobs under the name "Mr Pilkington". But perhaps I've said too much...
[smokes a pipe]
[in "Speed Reading" movie]
Dennis Hopper:
All right, Hotshot! You think you're so smart? Let's see ya read this book!
Keanu Reeves:
Bogus!
Dennis Hopper:
If you read under 50 words a minute, this book explodes! Ready, begin!
[activates bomb]
Keanu Reeves:
One... fff-ish. "Twoah" - oh, no. Two... fff - oh fish! Red... fff...
Dennis Hopper:
It's fish, you idiot! Fish!
Keanu Reeves:
Dude, now I lost my place.
[book explodes and destroys building]
[inside Duke's dungeon]
Duke Phillips:
All right, Sherman you've been down here long enough. I'll give you the dental plan with a $50 deductible.
Jay Sherman:
$25 deductible!
Duke Phillips:
See you in five years!
[watching "Yesterday Night Live"]
Jay Sherman:
They do the same sketches every week! They're nothing but a string of catchphrases - Yeah that's the ticket.
Jay Sherman:
[singing] To all the girls I've loved on screen, for instance, Stephen King's Christine!
Jean-Paul LePope:
In my next film, Joe Piscopo and I play Siamese twins joined at the tongues. It's called
[gagging]
Jean-Paul LePope:
"Part 2".
Arnold:
I am Frau Doubtfire.
Maria:
No, you're not. You're my husband in a dress.
Arnold:
I am so a woman. Look at my fake bosoms, they are really grenades
[bosoms explode]
Arnold:
They'll be back.
Chauffeur:
Hey Mister... Why does your car say King Dork?
Jay Sherman:
Uhh, I bought it from King Dorkenheiser of Finland.
Chauffeur:
I thought Finland was a constitutional democracy.
Jay Sherman:
Just park the car!
Kid:
International foodfight!
[All the kids from different countries start throwing food at each other]
French Kid:
We surrender!
Jay Sherman:
Hah, haaaah, how awkward!
Jay Sherman:
You don't think I'm gay, do you?
Doris:
No man in his right mind would sleep with you.
Jay Sherman:
Thank you!
Eleanor:
I've forgotten what a fabulous dancer you are.
Franklin:
And I forgot to turn the oven off.
[scene cuts to the Sherman Mansion, now on fire]
Shakleford:
Burn, baby, burn!
Jay Sherman:
Now we look at "A Few More Good Men" starring Jack Nicholson with co-stars Christian Slater and William Devane.
Christian Slater:
[Nicholson delivery] I want the truth!
Jack Nicholson/Col. Jessup:
You can't handle the truth!
Christian Slater:
[Nicholson delivery] I can handle the truth!
Jack Nicholson/Col. Jessup:
The truth is you talk like me, you act like me. You haven't got an original bone in your body.
Christian Slater:
[Nicholson delivery] That's a *freakin' lie"!
"A Few Good Men" Judge:
Would the court stenographer read that back to us, please?
William Devane:
[Nicholson delivery] What am I, a freakin' Myna bird?
[on Phillipsvision, a machine that changes sad film endings to happier ones]
Jay Sherman:
I don't want Rhett coming back to Scarlett. I don't want the guy from "My Left Foot" to become a punter for the Bears. I want Debra Winger, Ali MacGraw and Bambi's mother to die!
Phil Hartman:
So, Pat. Are you a man or a woman?
Jeremy:
She's a girl mate, I saw her changing in the dressing room.
[Jeremy takes of Pat's wig revealing long brown hair]
Pat:
WHAAA! You ruined my career!
Jay Sherman:
Listen Chaz, if you work hard like me, then maybe someday you won't be coming here early to give people their donuts.
Chaz:
Yes I do. I used to be Vanilla Ice.
[Jay gasps in shock]
[phone rings]
Jay Sherman:
Hello?
Doris:
Jay, it's Doris. I'm at the morgue. Can you come down and tell them I'm not dead? They don't believe me!
Shakleford:
I'm sorry Master Jay, I did so want to scrub your dainties, but they somehow caught fire. Why do they burn so long?
Jay Sherman:
I do have a way with women... over sixty.
Duke Phillips:
You know why nobody watches your show?
Jay Sherman:
Because it's intelligent?
Duke Phillips:
Well that's *one* of your problems.
Jay Sherman:
This film gets my highest rating - seven out of ten.
Jay Sherman:
So run, don't mosey, to "The Tea Cozy," it really hits the spot! Ha-ha-ha!
Jay Sherman:
You are an insipid walking commercial, and your cereal turned my urine pink!
Marty Sherman:
This is worse than the time you sucker-punched Mr. Rogers!
Jay Sherman:
Hey Mom, what do you think about the tux?
Eleanor:
Oh, Jay, you look good enough to bury!
[about to enter a limo]
Jay Sherman:
I want everyone to know before I get in that I had a big, Mexican lunch.
Limo Driver:
Hey, don't worry about it. I once drove James Coco home after a Texas chili cook-off.
[watching a montage of clips where he repeats himself]
Jay Sherman:
"Rain Man," "A Few Good Men," "The Firm," is the latest stinker from Tom Cruise. He doesn't act anymore, he's on 'Cruise control!'
Adolf Hitmaker:
If you want the world to love you you must be big and jolly like Santa Claus or Rush Limbaugh.
Professor Blowhardt:
Learn from this man, class, we should all be such independent thinkers.
Students:
[in monotone unison while taking notes] Be an independent thinker...
Jay Sherman:
Now to win the Pulitzer Prize. First I need a topic. "Chaplin, Polanski and Woody: Three Men and a Little Lady."
[groans]
[in "Merchant of Venice"]
Keanu Reeves:
Hath not a dude eyes? If you prick us, do we not get bummed? If we eat that guacamole, do we not blow chunks?
[in "Arthur III: Revenge of the Liver"]
Doctor:
Arthur, I'm afraid you have... acute cirrhosis.
Arthur:
And you have a cute little butt! Ha-ha-ha!
Doctor:
No, you don't understand. Your pancreas is swollen to the size of a basketball.
Arthur:
No wonder I dribble so much! Ha-ha-ha!
Doctor:
This is very serious, you have less than a year to live!
Arthur:
[pointing to tongue depressors] Don't look now, but somebody's eaten all your popsicles! Ha-ha-ha! Why there's a piano!
[begins to sing]
Arthur:
I've got a liver the size of coconuts...
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