advertisement [after Vivian asks Will to be her partner at Soul Train] Will: I'd like to Aunt Viv, really. But it's hard to get my groove on with an old woman. [Vivian glares] Will: Oh, you don't know "kid talk". You know, "bad" is good, "stupid" is wonderful, and "old" is uh... beautiful. You *so* old Aunt Viv. You're the *oldest* woman I've even seen. Hilary: I've always wondered... since coffee is made from beans, does that make it a vegetable? Carlton: For a long time it gave me nightmares, witnessing an injustice like that... It's a constant reminder of just how unfair this world can be... I can still hear them taunting him...擲illy rabbit, Trix are for kids!"... I mean, WHY COULDN'T THEY JUST GIVE HIM SOME CEREAL? [Will and his girlfriend are trapped in the basement after and earthquake] Will: [singing] I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves; Goin' outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers. Phillip Banks: Vivian, you are so naive. You would believe Will if he told you that he were some big rap star, whose album just went platinum. Jazz: Making a baby truly is a blessed event. Will: Don't you mean "Having a baby"? Jazz: Trust me on this. Carlton: Now what do we do when we get caught? Geoffrey: Laugh. Will: I'm gonna pop that little zit when I get home. Phillip Banks: Penn State would've been my first choice if my applications to Princeton, Yale, and Talledega Tech had fallen through. Dr. Hoover: You must have been an athlete in your thinner days. Phillip Banks: [Phillip and Dr. Hoover are in a fight] Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook? Dr. Hoover: Penn State, my brother. Phillip Banks: Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Warton, and Talladega Tech had fallen through! Dr. Hoover: Impressive, you must of been quite an athlete in your thinner days. Phillip Banks: Hey, hey, lets stick to the topic okay? Dr. Hoover: Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter should be heavily sedated and immediately institutionalized. Phillip Banks: Well speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter fits the criminal profile to a T, right down to the sloping forehead, and the wide jaws suitable for grains and small rodents! Dr. Hoover: I think you have her confused with your moma! Will: [Phillip punches Dr. Hoover and knocks him down] That抯 it Uncle Phil, your grounded! [to Dr. Hoover] Will: You know, I'd be happy to perscribe something for that. Phillip Banks: [Phillip and Dr. Hoover are in a fight] Dr. Hoover, the school where you got your degree, did you find it on the back of a matchbook? Dr. Hoover: Penn State, my brother. Phillip Banks: Really? Good school. I was thinking of going there if my scholarship to Princeton, Yale, Warton, and Taladega Tech had fallen through! Dr. Hoover: Impressive, you must of been quite an athlete in your thinner days. Phillip Banks: Hey, hey, lets stick to the topic okay? Dr. Hoover: Fine. Speaking as a doctor, I think your daughter should be heavly sudaited and immediatley institusionalized. Phillip Banks: Well speaking as a lawyer, I can only say that your daughter fits the criminal profile to a T, right down to the sloping forehead, and the wide jaws suitable for brains and small rodents! Dr. Hoover: I think you have her confused with your moma! Will: [Phillip punches Dr. Hoover and knocks him down] Thats it Uncle Phil, your grounded! [to Dr. Hoover] Will: You know, I'd be happy to perscribe something for that. Jameson: [Jameson is superstisious and thinks Will is a good luck charm. His horoscope says to stay away from leos] My lucky numbers have always been 3 and 7. Will, when is your birthday? Will: July 3rd. Jameson: What year? Will: 1973. Jameson: So you were born on 7-3-73? My lucky numbers! Phillip Banks: Jameson, its just a coincidence. Jameson: Coincidence? I don't think so. Carlton: I was born August 4th, 1974. Jameson: [Jumps back] A leo? Jazz: Between you and the humpty dance, I'll have to get a metal plate on my butt. Will: Carlton, I misjudged you. You're a lot cooler than I thought. Hey, you wanna go to the club with us tonight? Carlton: I don't have a date. Will: Carlton, never bring a sandwich to a buffet. Janet: I need more ice. Carlton: You need more ice, *what*? Janet: I need more ice in my warm soda. Carlton: [corrects Janet] You need more ice, *please*. Janet: What did you say to me? Waitress: He said, you need more ice, *please*. Carlton: Well, someone has her rude hat on tonight. Jazz: I'm starvin'. When do we eat here? Phillip Banks: *We* eat here later, *you* eat here never. Jazz: [looking Phillip up and down] Looks like *you* eat here *often*. Will: [singing while playing harmonica] My butler is black/My butler is blue/His honey has green/Comin' out her wazoo. Phillip Banks: I smell cheap cologne and fried chicken. Jazz: I resent that. Jazz: Yeah, my first time was with a girl from the projects. Best 50 bucks I ever spent... Will: Carlton, I think you've been deprived of oxygen at birth. Will: Am I alone in this, or did y'all know he was white? I mean - tall. Carlton: You're the man, Will. You're the man. I'm just the man behind the man. Will: Uh, what're you doin' back there? Will: [to Phillip] Hey, hey, hey man. Man, have I told you how thin you're lookin' lately? Jazz: [explaining a shrunken shirt] The directions on the shirt said "Hand Wash". So that's exactly what I did. Before I put the clothes in the washer, I washed my hands. Vivian: Our family had its share of surprises. You remember the time Uncle Reuben came out the closet? Helen: How can I forget? He was wearing my purple suit. Ashley: If Jazz and Jewel want to bring a child into this world, who are we to judge? We're no perfect. Hilary: [snorts] Hello? Phillip Banks: Carlton, you are grounded for a month. Will, added to the month that you already have, it should take you into Fiscal '91. Will: His highness would like you to clean his sneakers. And you will clean them with your toothbrush. Not up and down, not side to side, but in a circular motion. Carlton: Does he want you to clean his room? Hilary: God, no. Carlton: Will you clean mine? Vivian: [about Hilary's purpose of going to college] We just want you to be all you can be. Hilary: You want me to join the army? Phillip Banks: Let's try this again. Hilary: What do you know? Will: I know that the basic element of physics is matter. And if you were going to write a term paper, you would have to know something, from... I don't know, the first day? Hilary: How did you find out? Will: I have my methods, and that Toni's roommates have a combined IQ of a raisin. Helen: She'll be on the first broom back to Philly. Vivian: Here we are, the Smith sisters, loud, live, and in color. Helen: More like, quiet, evil, and colored. Phillip Banks: Heck, the boys go to a predominantly tall school. Will: [reads inscription on the two doors] "Enter as boys, leave as men?" How long do they plan on keeping us here? Will: I'm going to the-to the library. Vy: Aren't you a little overdressed? Will: I was going to drop by and check on the, the thing. Vy: You mean the wedding? Phillip Banks: Geoffrey, bring me my tools. Geoffrey: Do you mean your knife and fork, sir? [Hilary is begging Geoffrey to come and work for her after she has moved out] Hilary: I'm a career woman. I don't have time to dust and push around that... oh, what do you call that big, loud thing that sucks up everything? Geoffrey: You call him Daddy. Hilary: What kind of idiot picks a password no one can guess? [Scott is interested in Hilary] Scott: Is she involved with anyone? Will: Mostly herself. [on her white fiance] Aunt Janice: I guess I was hoping... no one would notice. Helen: Honey, who did you think you were bringing him home to, Stevie Wonder? Hilary: Maybe I sometimes say things that are selfish and self-centered, but that's who I am, dammit. [Hilary is a volunteer at a homeless shelter for Thanksgiving, and everyone just finished eating] Hilary: I can wash the dishes... My butler can be here in fifteen minutes. Phillip Banks: No sex before marriage, Will. Will: Come on, Uncle Phil. This is the 90's. Phillip Banks: Try a cold shower. Will: I've been doing that since the 80's. It don't work no more. Phillip Banks: Will, going to college isn't just about finding a job. It's about finding yourself, and finding what you do best that makes a contribution to the community. It shouldn't be just about money. Will: You really believe that, Uncle Phil? Phillip Banks: Yes, son, I really do. Will: Then how do you explain becoming a lawyer? Carlton: I'm sick of being such a big loser. Will: [faking sympathy] Aw, C - you're not big. Girl: Excuse me, what's a nine-letter word for "Terrific?" Will: That's easy: "Will Smith." Will: Hey. Kool-Aid. Will: Yo, Judge, Judge, check it, Judge. I was umm... working if you could help a brother out... ummm... he's got like two grand worth of parking tickets, ummm... [Will sees Phil glaring at him] Will: I-I thought he was selling condoms. Philip Banks: When the press hears about this they're going to have a field day. Judge Robertson: Oh, I hope so. This is just the beginning. You know, I was looking through your police file, and bingo! Up pops your nephew. Parking tickets up the ying-yang. So I busted his bony butt. Pretty good, eh? Philip Banks: Excuse me? Judge Robertson: Oh wake up, knucklehead. You're in the big leagues now. I may be old, I may be senile, and I haven't been able to find my car for the past half hour, but I can beat you in a political campaign any day. You're dead meat, "Tiny". Hilary Banks: You were right, Will. Scott is the first guy since Trevor that I really liked, and I guess I just got scared. I guess I had to find something wrong with him. Will: And that Adams Apple thing is the best you could come up with? Hilary Banks: Well, you know I never had a good imagination. I never even had imaginary friends when I was a kid. I used to play with Carlton's. God, they were such dweebs. Hilary Banks: Daddy, you're a judge. Can't you just throw them in jail or something? Philip Banks: Sweetheart, the worst thing you can do is blow this whole thing out of proportion. I'm sure if you just ignore it it will pass. Did you really refer to Hurricane Robert as 'Bobby?' Hilary Banks: Well, 'Robert' sounded so serious. Philip Banks: It was serious, honey. It wiped out half of Miami. Hilary Banks: Well, excuse me for trying to spread a little sunshine. Philip Banks: Will, I want the best for Ashley. When I was young I loved classical music, but my parents could never afford lessons. I would stand in parking lot outside the Phil Harmonic, hoping to catch a spare note in the night air. Vivian Banks: Philip, when I met you, you were into James Brown. Will: [laughing] He liked James Brown? Vivian Banks: He even wore his hair like him. Will: [laughing harder] He had hair? William Shatner: [as Captain Kirk] What happened? The bridge looks so different. Spasers on spun. Ow, my tooth. [to Will] William Shatner: Bones, help me. Will: Dammit Jim, I'm a black boy from Philly, not a doctor. Will: Girl, you look so good, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole FIELD of y'all. Will: Girl, you look so good, I would marry your brother just to get in your family. Will: Girl, if God created anything less pitiful than you, I hope he kept it for himself. Carlton Banks: The police were doing their job. We were detained a couple hours, and dad came and got us out. The system worked. Will: I hope you like that system, because you're gonna be seeing a lot more of it in your life. Carlton Banks: Not if I bring a map. Will: Man, you don't get it, do you? A map is not gonna help you. Neither is your Glee Club, or your fancy Bel-Air address, or who your daddy is. They don't care about any of that. They only see one thing. Hilary Banks: Pea green lawn chairs? No, no, no, no, no. I don't think so. Wedding Planner: Do you know any other words besides "No?"? Phillip Banks: You're grounded for 10 years. Ashley Banks: What? But that's not fair. Phillip Banks: Tell it to the judge... Oh yeah. That's me. Ashley Banks: It's still not fair. The Menendez brothers are going to be free before I am. Philip Banks: That's because the Menendez Brothers got home on time. [Carlton visits Phil in the hospital after he has a heart attack] Carlton: Hey, dad. I would have come sooner but... I couldn't stand to see you like this. I mean, you're like Superman to me. Phillip: Yeah, and cheeseburgers are my kryptonite, huh? [the girl Carlton was supposed to marry leaves him at the altar] Carlton: When she told her parents she was going to marry me, they came and got her right away. Will: What if the kid's yours? Carlton: He's not. Will: Come on, Carlton. Just because the kid's cute, doesn't mean you're not the father. Will: You're going to that hospital if I have to knock you out and call an ambulance. [Will just cancelled his "Shaft" wedding with Lisa] Will: Look, Lisa, I want to marry you, but definitely not like this. Lisa: Right on. Will: Oh, by the way, dude, your Isaac Hayes impression stinks. Himself: Oh, I don't know. I thought it was pretty good. [Will, wearing a fat suit, is spying on Lisa] Lisa: Will? Is that you? Will: Well it ain't Fat Albert. Will: It's your world squirrel, I'm just trying to get a nut. Phillip Banks: So Vivian, how were your classes today? Vivian: Fine. I just wish my students would concentrate more on their work. They're very easily distracted. Will: I see it every day. Don't you, Hilary? [Hilary barks like a dog] Vivian: Did you say something, sweetie? Hilary: No. [Phillip takes a drink from his glass] Hilary: Will Smith is perfect! Will: Why, thank you. It's so nice to be appreciated. Phillip Banks: Yes, but perhaps at another time. Your mother was trying to say something and I'm sure she would appreciate it if she weren't interrupted again. Vivian: Anyway, as I was saying... [Phillip takes another drink] Hilary: Will Smith is the king of the universe. Will: Why, thank you Hilary! [Hilary barks] Phillip Banks: Hilary! [Hilary barks again] Vivian: Look, I know people get a little silly around midterms. But not at the dinner table. Hilary: Sorry, Mom. [Carlton clinks his fork on his glass] Hilary: Will Smith is the scum of the earth. Vivian: Hilary! [Hilary barks, then Phillip takes a drink] Hilary: However... Will Smith is the pinnacle of manliness. [Carlton clears his throat and Hilary smacks Will upside the head] Vivian: Hilary! [Hilary barks, Carlton clears his throat, Hilary smacks Will again] Ashley: ...What's with Hilary? Will: Ain't no thang but a chicken wing. [Trying to hit on a girl] Will: Hey baby, I noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to put you on notice that I noticed you too. Will: I'm sorry, Uncle Phil. I know he was your boy and all. It's kinda like how I felt when I found out that Kermit the Frog was nothing but a piece of green felt with someone's hand up his butt. Hilary: Face it, you're a taker. Carlton: Oh, I'M a taker, Miss 'Daddy, can I have five-hundred dollars?' Hilary: Oh, right, Mister 'Hey Big Guy, how about a copy of your will in case something happens to you?' Carlton: That's called prudent planning. Hilary: Yeah, if your last name is Menendez. Will: That's right. You'd best to press on before you get straight molly-wopped up in here. Will: I'm telling you, if you leave Scott now, it could haunt you for the rest of your life. Hilary: What do you mean? Will: Well, you may never date again. You might become an old lady walking around with a shower cap, and a raggety halter-top that says 'Ja-am,' and rhinestone Gouchos. And you would be eating neckbone sandwiches and shouting at your imaginary dog, Brutus. And you know what the worse part of it is? Hilary: What? Will: The only man you will ever get is some fool named Grady who falls asleep in his soup. Hilary: Ewww, I hate soup. Carlton: I guess it's ok to share my will. Uncle Phil: Carlton, I'm not dead yet. Carlton: It's a cruel world big guy and you can't be in it forever. [Uncle Phil suggests going out to eat] Hilary: Well, I ain't sitting between the dessert and you. I almost lost an eye last time. Will: Uncle Phil, all I'm saying is what's the difference between what I'm wearing now and you with a dashiki and an Afro back in the '60s? Philip: But I was making a cultural statement. You're just drawing attention to yourself. Will: Now... correct me if I'm wrong, but you think that a six-foot, 250-pound black dude in a dashiki and an Afro the size of West Philly isn't drawing attention to himself? Vivian: Will, why did you want to take a class in black history? Will: Because I'm interested in it. Vivian: Are you really? Will: Hey, I read the autobiography of Malcolm X like three times. Vivian: And that makes you interested? Will: That's a very important book. Vivian: Will, you can read the book, you can wear the shirt, you can even shout out the slogans, but unless you know ALL the history behind it, you're trivializing the entire struggle. Now you started something very good. Now it's up to you to finish it. Geoffrey: Miss Hilary, please, I'm still exhausted from last night. Hilary: Last night? Please. All I asked you to do was a little yard work. Geoffrey: I don't believe blacktopping your tennis court falls into that category. Hilary: You are so lazy. [Uncle Phil just grounded Will and took away all of his privileges] Will: Why don't you just do me like Kunta Kinte and cut off my foot? Bryan: Man, the word was out on your old man, but I didn't know your whole family was crazy. Ashley Banks: Bryan, I am so sorry. Bryan: Ashley, if you ever decide to run away from home, give me a call. Ashley Banks: But Bryan... Will: Hey, hey. Let him go, baby. Let him go. And good riddance, you little Filthy McNasty! Word: Yeah, you remember Omar Phelps? Carlton: Who's Omar Phelps? Will: That's the dude who would be spinning me over his head in the opening credits. Will: Oh my god, Carlton! What's that hideous thing growing out of your neck? Carlton: Where? Where? Will: Ah, never mind. It's just your head. Will: [to Carlton] Could you drop me off at the beach? No, scratch that. Drop me off a couple of blocks from the beach. The honeys will get nervous if they see me with a midget. [Vivian isn't doing any work because she's pregnant] Vivian: I'm as big as a house. All I want to do is lie in bed and eat pie. Phillip Banks: Well, Vivian, so do I, but I still get things done! Hilary: Guess what? Will: You bought your own dinner? Hilary: [pause] Are you insane? Phillip Banks: As my father used to say, it's better to give than to receive. Will: Your pop had a bit of a drinking problem, didn't he? Carlton: If it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and smells like a duck, what is it? Will: Your prom date? Geoffrey: Miss Hilary, do you remember when you were nine, and you wanted to play the violin? And five minutes into your first lesson, what did you do? Hilary: I quit. I had to, it was starting to irritate my chin! Geoffrey: And what about ballet? Hilary: I quit that too. I had to, I was starting to get feet like Fred Flintstone! Geoffrey: And what about cheerleading? Hilary: Okay, okay, I quit that too. But they wanted me to go to away games on a bus! Will: Uncle Phil, I don't think all this legal talk is gonna work. I mean, the only legal phrase these people know is, "Will the defendant please rise?" Will: Roses are red, violets are blue, Jazz and I are black but Carlton what are you? [Hilary and Trevor first meet] Trevor: Wow! Hilary: I know. Trevor: Hi, I'm Trevor Collins, and these are my real teeth. Hilary: Wow! Trevor: I know. Phillip Banks: Geoffrey fetch my tools. Geoffrey: You mean you're knife and fork? Carlton: Will, just face it, the better man won Will: Oh yeah, well the bigger badder man's about to beat the better man into oblivion Will: Ding dong the cricket's dead, Ashley's grounded now you all go to bed. Nicholas 'Nicky' Andrew Banks: Mommy and Daddy won't let me watch "Bad Boys". Will: "Bad Boys", huh? Whatcha gonna do? Hilary: I mean, we must all do our parts to protect the environment. Every time we cut down a tree, it just takes us one step closer to global warming. And we must do it not just for ourselves or our children, but for all of humanity. Margaret Furth: Why, I never knew it was such a problem. I think it's great that you have the courage to want to do something about it. Hilary: Thanks. It's my passion. Margaret Furth: Where should I make a donation? Hilary: I don't know. Carlton: Oh my God, it's Tom Jones! What are you doing here? Carlton's Guardian Angel: Well, I'm your Guardian Angel. Carlton: No offense, Tom, but I always thought my Guardian Angel would be black. Carlton's Guardian Angel: Well, I knew Otis Redding. Carlton: [Carlton's Guardian Angel is showing him life in the Banks' household without him] What happened? And where's Mom? Carlton's Guardian Angel: Without you, the family was defenseless against Will. They focused more on happiness than success. Your mom ran away with the milkman, your dad quit his practice to take up painting, Ashley does nothing but dance all day long, and Hilary just does her hair. Well, maybe not *everything* changed. Carlton: But they're not making any money. So what if they're happy? How are they going to pay for this house? Our cars? Our club memberships? Carlton's Guardian Angel: They're not. They're going to lose it all. Happiness has ruined them. Carlton: I've got to save them! I've got to teach them about greed, social climbing, and how to claim your dog as a dependant! Jazz: I'll earn my keep. I'll do everything Geoffrey does. Philip Banks: Geoffrey bathes. Jazz: I can learn. [Will wants to take Lady Penelope out for the evening] Geoffrey: Master William, I hope you realize the seriousness of the situation. Will: G, why are you trippin? She's just a girl. Geoffrey: Just a girl? Master William, if all 895 members of the Royal Family suddenly died, she would be the next Queen of England. Will: Now, where would that put me? Carlton: Why don't you act like an adult? Will: Why don't you look like one? [on Vivian's sonogram] Ashley: How can you tell if it's a boy or a girl? Hilary: Oh, Ashley, you are so naive. If it's a boy, it's blue. Come on, I think it's time for another one of our woman-to-woman talks. Ashley: [sigh] OK, what do you want to know this time? [Hilary glares] Will: Carlton, you'll never guess what happened! Carlton: well there's no since in me playing is there! Carlton: Will, you must change! Will: Carlton, you must grow! Phillip Banks: Carlton, will you relax? My money makes money. We're rich! Carlton: That's right, we are rich. Will: If we're so rich... [Camera pans up to reveal the studio lights] Will: ...why we ain't go no ceiling? [Will's father came back into town, and then lied to Will about being around more and left. Phillip is trying to comfort him] Will: Hey, you no what, you ain't got to do nothing, Uncle Phil. You know, ain't like I'm still five years old, you know? Ain't like I'm gonna be sitting every night asking my mom 'when's daddy coming home?' You know? Who needs him? Hey, he wasn't there to teach me how to shoot my first basket, but I learned it, didn't I? And I got pretty damn good at it too, didn't I, Uncle Phil? Phillip Banks: Yeah, you did. Will: Got to do my first date without him, right? I learned how to ride, I learned how to shave, I learned how to fight without him. I had *fourteen* great birthdays without him; he never even sent me a damn card. The hell with him! [pause] Will: I didn't need him then, I won't need him now. Phillip Banks: Will... Will: No, you know what, Uncle Phil? I'm gonna get through college without him, I'm gonna get a great job without him, I'm gonna marry me a beautiful honey and I'm having a whole bunch of kids. I'm gonna be a better father than he ever was. And I sure as hell don't need him for that, 'cause there ain't a damn thing he can teach me about how to love my kids! [long pause; he's crying] Will: How come he don't want me, man? Will: Your fraternity was called Pi Nu? Phillip Banks: Yes... Will: [trying not to laugh] So... that made you, like... a Pie Man? Phillip Banks: Yes... Will: So, I guess you hung out with the girls from Beta Crocker? Will: Ain't nobody gonna make me forget about my fianc萫. I love... Lucy. Geoffrey: [being confronted about his frequent sarcastic comments] Sarcasm? Whatever do you mean? Vivian Banks: Will, You're only 17. You don't have a rep yet. William Shatner: [after inhaling the Goofy Gas at the dentist] Kong Ding? [a pretty girl walks into the room] Will: Ooh, special bulletin. Hormones to Will, hormones to Will. Hilary: Congratulate me. It took all day, but I finally found the perfect pair of alligator pumps to wear to the Save the Everglades dinner tonight. [Carlton is planning to hang out in a dangerous neighborhood to fit in with the homies] Will: You have no idea what MacArthur Park is like. It's dangerous, man. Carlton: Oh, Will, if there's any trouble, I'll just call the park rangers. Will: [annoyed] It's not that kind of park, Boo Boo! Carlton: Who said, "It's better to die on your feet than live on your knees"? Will: I'm guessin' that one wasn't Madonna. Will: Jean Claude Van Dam I'm fine! Will: Yeah we done it! WORD TO BIG BIRD! We fixed 8 Benzitos, 15 Jags and a Mazzerati, but I aint like the upholstry so we took it BACK, JACK! Scott: [Scott is really the News reporter] And do you have anything to say? Carlton: [whiny voice] Daddy! Carlton: Whoa, hold on mister, you're all over the map! Frank: [Vy is sad she doesn't have a boyfriend] [Frank is white] Frank: Oh, Vy, I have a single brother. Well, actually he's not a brother. Well, he is a brother because he's my brother. But he's just not your kind of brother. Oh, brother. Vivian Banks: [Will has snuck past Geoffrey and his aunt and uncle and is dancing on the stairs behind them] Good night, Will! Phillip Banks: You're grounded! Phillip Banks: Carlton, you don't have to do anything. Carlton: Will says I do. He says it's time for me to leave the nest and start having sex with girls. Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it! Will: [is stuck in an elevator with Jazz and Carlton] Great, now I'm stuck with Ren and Stumpy! Carlton: [Carlton is practicing for solo in Easter Mass] Tell your pharoah, let my people *go*! Will: [mocking Carlton] Tell your pharoah, let my cousin *grow*! Will: It's woman like her why God made darkness. George Jefferson: [laughs] Hey? Are you insulting my wife? Will: Wait... hold up, cul-de-sac... I think you need to chill. I'm twice your size, and half your age, so you need to just back off. George Jefferson: Your mama! Will: [Will drops his cookies from his hands] I know you ain't talking about my mama! George Jefferson: Okay, then let's talk about your daddy. Your daddy was so fat... that when he went to school he sat next to *everybody*! And still... he still not as fat as your fat mama! [walks away] Will: [Will runs to him and hits him with a bat] Hilary: Geoffrey, what do you know about wine? Geoffrey: I know no-one does it better than you, Miss Hilary. Will: [Will and Carlton are being chased by Mad Dog and run out the window on to the balcony screaming. Mad Dog gets stuck in the window] Ha ha ha ha, look, he's stuck! I bet you wish you hadn't have gone off that Slim Fast now, huh? Mad Dog: Eventually, you'll have to come back inside! Will: Yeeaaahhh shut up and get back inside, you're stretching the building. Will: Well, you know what they say about guys with big feet. Ashley Banks: [smiling] No, what? Will: [Uncle Phil stares angrily at Will] T-they say, "Damn, those are some big feet"! Will: Move out of the way, fool. crisis center helper: There you go calling names again. Sticks and stones will break your bones but a 50 foot drop will kill y'all. Jazz: [Will and Jazz are talking in the living room when Tyriq walks in] What are you doing here? Tyriq: Hey, wait a minute, you're the one who sold me that fake Rolex! Jazz: Well, you're the one who gave me that fake $20! Hilary: Daddy, I need 300 dollars. Phillip Banks: Why do you need 300 dollars, Hilary? Hilary: I need a new hat. Phillip Banks: Didn't you just buy a new hat? Hilary: Well, I need another one. I'm going on this Save The Environment tour and we're going to travel on a bus around town and then go have a campfire down by the beach. Hilary: [will raises his hand to try and talk] What? Will: Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't driving around on a bus and having a campfire kind of adding to the environment problem? [the theme song] Will: [singing] Now this is a story all about how my life got twisted upside down, and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the Prince of a town called Bel-Air... Phillip Banks: Hit the road, you little tramp! Will: My horoscope says that I'm gonna be a famous rapper with a TV show. Hilary Banks: Those things are stupid. What does mine say? Will: Yours says "Be prepared for a fall. Remember, accidents may happen." Hilary Banks: Those things are stupid. [walks away] Hilary Banks: [screaming and crashing] Will: I wonder what I'll name my TV show. Carlton: So, Dad, how do you feel? Phillip Banks: I feel like Little Richard: Attorney at Law. Geoffrey: Dinner is served. [sees Phillip Banks] Geoffrey: A-Whop-Bop-Aloobop-A-Wop-Bam-Boom! Will: Ashley, no! Will: Mama, no! Will: Aroomph! Jazz, Mad Dog: Aroomph! [Carlton tries to join in] Carlton: Aroomph! [awkward silence] [Will accidentally breaks William Shatner's tooth with a cuestick] Carlton: Don't worry, Captain. We'll get you to the dentist, warp speed. William Shatner: Get a life! Will: Hey Hil', what's so funny? Hilary: Oh, Carlton just told a joke. Will: No, Hilary, Carlton is a joke. Geoffrey: I'm too ashamed to talk about it, it's better if I show you... [puts in tape] [Will jumps up, excited] Will: You did a porno movie? Hilary: Eww... Phillip Banks: All right, Will... If that's the way you want it... Mm ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Will: I'm innocent Will, and this is Uncle Phil, attorney at law... and this is Little Carlton. He's trying to find his way back to the circus. Will: I could kill that boy! Geoffrey: If you're serious, I could make some calls. Will: [Trying not to anger a white prisoner who just sang opera] [while clapping] Will: Yo, that was dope Bob! Hilary: [referring to Will blackmailing her to do embarrassing things at dinner] Will, if you have an ounce of compassion, you'll let me off the hook. Will: That's a good point. [pauses to think] Will: Nah! We'll do it anyway. Geoffrey: I found that any game can be made interesting if you put some money on it. Phillip Banks: Do I have to remind you that this is a living room? What if I went into your room and started throwing chalk around? Will: I'd be devastated. Hilary: Will, for your information, the skeleton over there is Elizabeth Hurley and the unicorn beside her is Kevin Bacon. And they both wish you'd stop *hitting* on them. [notices Will's Huggy Bear costume] Hilary: Why'd you come as Elton John? Sandra: How about you, Carlton? Some ice cream? [seductively] Sandra: I have the smooth, creamy, chocolate kind... Carlton: [oblivious] I'm a tuttie-fruity man, myself. Vivian: Sweety, would you say grace, please? Ashley: Yes, Mommy. Hey there, lord. My name is Ashley Banks. / My family and friends wanna give you some thanks. / So before this dinner's all swallowed and chewed, / Thank you, God, for this stupid food. Ashley: [referring to Marge] Ever since she got here my diary has gotten a lot more interesting. Carlton: She is right, Ashley's diary has gotten a lot more interesting. Will: Man, I love Halloween! It's the only time of year when a black man can wear a mask at night and not get arrested! Will: [Addressing the man in a "Dungy the Whale" costume] Now lookie here, you big, orange, Moby *Dick*. Carlton: Will, if I were you, I'd be preparing for the PSATs. Will: Carlton, if I were you, I'd get a red nose and some big shoes and call it a day. Phillip Banks: What are you talking about? I weigh the same as I did in high school. Will: Yeah, if you add up all four years. Will: No, Carlton, if I had your friends, and if I woke up one day and found that I had a little horse on a polo shirt, I'd jump off the Empire State Building in attempt to catch a nail in my eye!