Bellman and True (1988) 6.8

c50

[Telling The Boy the story of "The Continuing Saga of Sod's Law - You Just Can't Win", an idealised but thinly-disguised version of his own life with his wife, "The Princess", who has now left him for a new lover, the owner of the Rover 2000S] The Boy: The Princess? Was she there? Hiller: Yeah. The Boy: The Princess who smoked French cigarettes and was beautiful when she wasn't looking. Hiller: We only had one rule. We didn't let anyone in who had a Rover 2000S. 2000 Smegma. The Boy: Why? Hiller: [bitterly] Because people with Rover 2000 Smegmas live in four-bedroom fake Georgian houses. They marry St Bernard dogs called Darling. And they have nasty little kids in green jumpsuits who come in through the window on a wire and say "Gosh!" and all that sort of thing. The Boy: But someone like that, we'd never have let them in. The Princess wouldn't have liked them at all. Hiller: No she wouldn't. [the bank robbers keep deliberately triggering the alarm. Each time, the security guards come out to investigate. By the fourth time, they are very pissed-off] Young Security Guard: I think they've got this alarm set up all wrong - it only warns you if the place is empty! Security Sergeant: [on radio] Control? Mobile Alpha Charlie. It's official - it's a fuck-up. [the security sergeant is giving instructions to the young security guard who is watching a bank of CCTV monitors] Security Sergeant: That's down in the vaults that leads to the strongroom. Your job is to sit here and watch. Young Security Guard: There's nothing to watch. Security Sergeant: That's exactly how it should be. So if you see anything out of the ordinary, like people moving about, you come and tell me. All right? Young Security Guard: All right, Sarge. Security Sergeant: [sarcastically] You should pay particular attention to anyone wearing little black masks over their eyes and with sacks marked "Swag"!