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Off. Doug Penhall:
They're gonna have fireworks, free hot dogs. Even Sprinkles the clown!
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Sprinkles? Really?
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Okey-dokey.
Officer Judy Hoffs:
How many times have you seen this?
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
122 times... but I don't watch the whole tape. I watch 3 seconds. 3 seconds that slipped through my fingers. 3 seconds where I could've done a thousand different things. But I didn't move. Do you know how many things you can do in 3 seconds? You can take off your shoes, pop a beer, and shoot someone in 3 seconds.
Officer Judy Hoffs:
Come on, Hanson.
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
You can hold your finger down on the remote control and pass 17 stations in 3 seconds. You can open a can of tuna fish, shuffle and bridge a deck of cards, or twist the tops off six bottles of ginger ale in 3 seconds.
Officer Judy Hoffs:
Hanson, please!
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
You can ring a doorbell 22 times, lock and unlock a deadbolt four times, or sing the entire alphabet in 3 seconds.
Officer Judy Hoffs:
Hanson, please! Please.
Off. Doug Penhall:
This guy is the worst burglar I've ever seen. He's drunk.
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Hammered.
Off. Doug Penhall:
Pickled.
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
To the gills.
Off. Doug Penhall:
[after being awaken in the middle of the night by Hanson] Why didn't you call?
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
You wouldn't have let me in.
Off. Doug Penhall:
I know. Why didn't you call?
Busdriver:
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Where's your bus pass?
Off. Doug Penhall:
[as Doug McQuaid] My dog ate it.
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
[as Tommy McQuaid] I got the same dog.
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Poke-age!
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Did someone mention the manly art of poker on Valentine's day?
Dave, the poet junkie:
Save your preach, cop. I reject everything, man. And it's not because I'm unhappy or confused or afraid of reality. See, I can, I can, chew up the nastiest tastes reality has to dish out, man. And if reality serves me up some raw sewage, man - I'll, I'll slurp up a whole toilet-bowl full and call it ambrosia.
Officer Dennis Booker:
You always had a way with words, Dave.
Off. Doug Penhall:
Oh! Oh! You're not supposed to be watching that. Where's the babysitter?
[Clavo points to the door where Doug hears giggling from inside the bedroom. Doug knocks]
Off. Doug Penhall:
Hey! You've got five seconds to get your clothes on and get out of there before I light your friggin' underwear on fire. 5, 4, 3, 2,
[the babysitter and her boyfriend run half-naked out the door]
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Without Jenko we're gonna be Charlie's Angels.
Ronnie Seebok:
You could end up dead, man...
[with gun pointed to Hanson's face]
Off. Tom Hanson #2:
Hey Ronnie. The safety's on the left, man. You ought to take it off if you want to threaten somebody.
Ronnie Seebok:
Safety don't work, man. Never did.
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