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father:
[comes into room after gunshots are heard after an arguement with his wife] Hey, champ... pack your bags! We're going on a little trip! To DISNEYLAND!
son:
Is Mom coming?
father:
DISNEYLAND!
Various:
Look! It's Joel Schumacher, history's greatest monster!
Britney Spears:
[in a death-match against Joey Fatone] Wait a second! Meet my homegirls - Christina Aguilera, Avril Lavigne, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Simpson's sister...
Ashlee Simpson:
I'm Ashlee!
Britney Spears:
[sighs in frustration] Sh! The big kids are talkin'!
Announcer:
The public would never know what mad experiments took place under the Matterhorn that day.
Fidel Castro:
Andale, andale! Arriba, arriba!
Butthead:
[about Starfire] That chick has orange boobs!
M. Night Shyamalan:
What a twist!
Hello Kitty:
There are 42 pressure points on the human body which result in death. I will teach you The 42nd I may one day have to use on you !
Leonardo:
Tubular!
Raphael:
Radical!
Donatello:
Awesome!
Michealangelo:
Reaganomics!
Bill Clinton:
I'm Bill Clinton! I'm gonna push over this cow!
Joey Fatone:
Of course! Together, we're stronger than we ever were solo! Right, Justin?
Justin Timberlake:
Well... uh... heh... All right.
Child:
Is this gonna hurt?
Doctor:
Only if God hates you.
pirate 1:
[has a helm wheel on the front of his pants]
pirate 2:
Arr! What's that steering wheel be for?
pirate 1:
Arrr, it's driving me nuts!
Ironhide:
Wow, Prime sure has to urinate a lot.
Prowl:
Yea! He must be French, cuz he's-a-peein'! Ha ha ha!
Ironhide:
Uhh, I think that's "*You're* a-peein'"
Prowl:
He he he... but... I'm not.
Ironhide:
Ugh, such a Retardicon.
Darth Vader:
Luke... I am your father!
Luke Skywalker:
Noooo! That's impossible!
Darth Vader:
It's true! And Princess Leia is your sister!
Luke Skywalker:
That's... improbable.
Darth Vader:
And the Empire will be defeated by Ewoks!
Luke Skywalker:
That's... highly unlikely...
Darth Vader:
And as a kid, I built C-3PO!
Luke Skywalker:
...wha?
[time passes]
<
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b>Darth Vader:
And you know that all-powerful Force? That's really just microscopic bacteria called Midichlorians!
Luke Skywalker:
[smoking a cigarette] Look, if you're not gonna take this seriously, I'm outta here!
Human Torch:
It, um... It burns when I pee.
Optimus Prime:
[entering] WHAT DID I JUST TELL YOU?
Human Torch:
[sitting on desk in full flame on mode] Well, doc, it burns when I pee.
Scarlett Johansson:
[in limo] Can I just roll down the window and shake his hand?
Queen Beryl:
Soon I will have your life force, Sailor Moon, and my plan to rule the earth will come to fruition!
[notices her erection]
Queen Beryl:
Oh! Anime sure is weird.
The Notorious B.I.G.:
[Tupac walks around heaven and bumps into The Notorious B.I.G] Pac?
Tupac Shakur:
Biggie?
[Tupac and B.I.G. pull their guns and shoot each other dead]
Disney's Head:
I... *hunger*...
Bodyguard:
[to two other bodyguards off camera] Bring in the first Cuban child!
[Cuban child is brought in by two other bodyguards, and is whimpering in fear]
Bodyguard:
Walt Disney... must *feed*!
Velma:
No! All my friends are dead and I'm still a virgin!
Don Knotts:
You think your life is bad? I just found out one of my tenants might be a flaming homosexual! And someone just killed me.
Santa Claus:
Bring out your dead!
Asian Massuese:
[shouts] Happy ending! Happy ending! Happy ending!
Camel:
[standing outside a strip bar] That looked like my toe!
Daphne:
[falls down a trapdoor and finds a mantle adorned by the head of Pamela Voorhees] Hey, that must be Jason's dead mother! This explains everything!
Fred:
[falls through the same trapdoor and lands on Daphne] Hey, that must be Jason's dead mother! This explains everything!
Daphne:
Fred, you're an asshole! And that ascot makes you look gay!
Mad Scientist:
[holding up a sign that reads] Why did the chicken cross the road?
Robot Chicken:
[holding up another sign that reads] Bawk?
Mad Scientist:
[holding up another sign that reads] To die in the name of science!
[pulls out a butcher's knife and chases the chicken]
George W. Bush:
My name is George W. Bush, and I approve this message: Tacos rule.
Catwoman:
[walking in on The Hulk peeing on the dishes] My good plates!
The Hulk:
Dishes done!
Japanese Gameshow Host:
You want million dollar? You win crazy smile face million dollar!
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Ryan Seacrest
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:
Nice outfit. Isn't it gauche to wear brown after Labor Day?
Count Chockula:
I don't know, Ryan. Isn't it gauche be a total douche bag on national TV each week?
Ryan Seacrest:
[smiling] Not when you're paid like me.
Pat Morita:
You can't enter that tournament without the proper skills, Fat One.
Joey Fatone:
...And will you train me, Mr. Miyagi?
Pat Morita:
First of all, I'm Pat-effin'-Morita, ya nutsack. Second of all, you're too old for the training.
Daniel-san:
[enters with a plunger] So was I... if you remember.
Pat Morita:
Daniel-san! I thought I smelled failure. That toilet's not going to uplug itself!
[the Fat One's training is a parody of Mortal Kombat]
Scorpion Wanna-Be:
[throws a chain to pull the Fat One close] Come here, you!
Joey Fatone:
[Britney Spears joins with others into a giant monster] I'm finished!
Justin Timberlake:
Don't worry, Joey!
J.C. Chasez:
We'll help you!
Lance Bass:
All for one and one for all!
Chris Kirkpatrick:
Reaganomics!
Freddy Krueger:
If Ghostface got voted out, take it from Freddy, that would be a dream come true. Ha ha ha ha! You get it? Ha ha ha ha! A Dream! Ha ha ha ha! I kill people in their nightmares. That is what I do, that's my thing.
Chinese Resturant Guy:
["You Can't Do That On Robot Chicken"] Hey! Breckin Meyer!
Breckin Meyer:
Yeah, Chinese Restaurant Guy?
Chinese Resturant Guy:
Hey! Ever hear of a cat gopher?
Breckin Meyer:
Cat gopher? What's a cat gopher?
Chinese Resturant Guy:
Cat go for $6 if I put MSG on it!
[audience laughs as Chinese Restaurant Guy goes back in locker]
Breckin Meyer:
Seriously, is this the only part of the sketch I'm in? I spent an hour and fifteen minutes in traffic getting here. I mean, granted, I was in a Benz, but this is horse shit! Oh, fuck you! You know what? I'm going home! Yeah, you can kiss my ass! I was in "Garfield," motherfucker!
[Corey Feldman is dying]
Corey Feldman:
Remember me... in "Stand By Me"... and "The Lost Boys"... the first half at least... oh... and..."Friday... the 13th... Part...
[Corey Feldman dies]
[the Fat One is trying to determine which Ninja Turtle is Corey Feldman]
Raphael:
Pizza is *radical*!
Michealangelo:
Master Splinter's *way cool*!
Leonardo:
Turtle power, dude!
Donatello:
Clean... Sober... Back on television! Things are lookin' up for the Feldmeister!
Ivy from "The Village" (Bryce Howard):
Is anyone there? I come from a village where we think it's I've broken our taboo about entering the forest to find medicine for my fiancee. Hello?
[honking noise is heard. Ivy is run over by a bus, M. Night Shyamalan pulls up in a jeep]
Ivy from "The Village" (Bryce Howard):
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That... that was a really weak twist.
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fdc
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M. Night Shyamalan:
Yeah, sorry bout that folks!
Random guy:
[in a "Sleepway Camp" parody] Oh, my God! Somebody remembered this movie and wrote a comedy sketch about it!
TiVo Addict:
[sits at TV while watching TiVo] Wow! I can record my favorite shows and teach it to record other shows that I like! This is great! What did I do without this thing?
[phone rings]
TiVo Addict:
Yello?
Guy:
Hey, buddy! We're heading down to the bar. You wanna come?
TiVo Addict:
Why don't you take your *bar* and shove it up your *ASS*! I'm watching TiVo!
Janis:
[Janis is appearing on the Howard Stern radio show] I just found out I have Hepatitis C. I only have five years left to live.
Howard Stern:
Wow, that sucks. So, are you going to show us your breasts?
Janis:
Fuck you, Howard! I'm dying!
Keanu Reeves:
Hi, I'm Keanu Reeves. I've beaten the world of acting, and now I'm beating the world of breakfast sausage.
Ryan Seacrest:
[closing on American Idol] Seacrest out!
Umpire:
[Few sketches later, at a baseball game, where Ryan Seacrest was batting but struck out] Seacrest out!
Ryan Seacrest:
[more sketches later, where Seacrest is in front of a mirror wearing a dress] Seacrest out!
Coach:
[the sporting balls are deflated] Oh, my balls! My balls! Who could've done this to my balls?
Child 1:
This show is so clever.
Child 2:
Totally!
[Mario and Luigi are participants in a celebrity auto race]
Luigi:
Mario, we're-a losing!
Mario:
It's-a time to use-a the blue tortoise shell, no?
Luigi:
Do it, you magnificent stereotypical bastard.
Draco Malfoy:
Hey Potter, I taught the Sorting Hat a new trick!
[he places it onto Harry Potter's head]
The Sorting Hat:
VIRGIN!
[Cobra Commander, Skeletor, Mum-Ra and Lex Luthor are car pooling]
Skeletor:
Oh, that was a good one.
Lex Luthor:
What was a... OH, Dear Lord!
Skeletor:
Haha! Behold the gaseous stench of Skeletor's breakfast burrito!
Emperor Palpatine:
[On the phone with Darth Vader] Vader! How's my favourite Sith?... Whoa whoa whoa... whoa, whoa. Just - slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? F*beeep*! Oh, *beep*, *beep* *beeeeeeeep*!... Who's THEY?... What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?
[sighs]
Emperor Palpatine:
OK, OK, so who's left?... Are you s*beep*ing me?... Well, where are you?... Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal?... Oh, you must smell like... feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon... Oh, oh, oh! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet!... Do you - do you have ANY idea what this is going to do to my credit?
[phone beeps, he sighs]
Emperor Palpatine:
Hang on, I've got another call.
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[switches line]
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Emperor Palpatine:
WHAT? I'm very busy right now!... Oh! Oh, well - well, where are they going?... Oh, alright Uh. Um, get me a turkey club... Um, coleslaw I guess. I'm not even going to eat it... Well, what are you getting?... See, I always order the wrong thing. No, no, I'll just stick with that. OK, bye - What?... Oh, uh, cherry coke. Thanks.
[switches line]
Emperor Palpatine:
Sorry about that.
[sighs]
Emperor Palpatine:
What?... Oh, oh, JUST rebuild it?... Oh, real f*beep*ing original. And who's going to give me a loan, jackhole, you?... You got an ATM on that torso Light Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here, or I'm going to tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about Padama-may or Panda-Bear what whatever the hell her name is!...
[covers receiver]
Emperor Palpatine:
Oh, Jeez, he's crying!
[giggles, then into phone]
Emperor Palpatine:
Hey, hey, hey, hey. C'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just - just. Look, you know, I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now. Death Star blown up by a bunch of f*beep*ing teenagers, you know? I didn't mean to snap.
[does jacking off motion to guys in room]
Emperor Palpatine:
Oh, uh, just get back here. OK. OK. Bye. I... um... I...
[whispers into phone]
Emperor Palpatine:
I love you, too.
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