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[George has just attended her own autopsy]
George:
So, what's next? Onward and upward?
Rube:
"Onward", not "upward". No pearly gates for you. No choirs of angels, either.
George:
You dick! You're sendin' me to hell?
George:
That's very Zen of you, you must smoke pot.
Data Entry Guy:
Files don't just disappear.
George:
They do if you drop them down an elevator shaft.
George:
We lead our lives, and when they end, sometimes we leave a little of ourselves behind. Sometimes we leave money, a painting, sometimes we leave a kind word. And sometimes, we leave an empty space.
[Mason shows George how the undead look to the living]
George:
Who decides what we look like?
Mason:
I don't know. Maybe this is what our inner child looks like when it grows up.
George:
If that were the case, it looks like my inner child's road to adulthood was paved with crack cocaine, ten-dollar blowjobs, and maybe even a trick baby or two.
Betty:
Oh, and always be nice to that lady at the DMV.
Roxy:
I told that bitch that her weave looked like carpet, and now my social insurance number pulls up *two* bankruptcies!
Joy:
I hate to say "I told you so."
George:
You love to say "I told you so."
George:
I'd say I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not. I excel at not giving a shit. Experience has taught me that interest begets expectation, and expectation beget disappointment, so the key to avoiding disappointment is to avoid interest. A equals B equals C Equals A, or whatever. I also don't have a lot of interest in being a good person or a bad person. From what I can tell, either way, you're screwed. Bad people are punished by society's laws, and good people are punished by Murphy's Law. So you see my dilemma.
George:
This is where I felt it the first time. The universe was cocking the fuck-with-me gun.
Rube:
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You like spaghetti, George? I like spaghetti. I like board games. I like grabbing a trifecta with that longshot on top. That ozone smell you get from air purifiers. And I like knowing the space between my ears is immeasurable. Mahler's first, Bernstein conducting. You've got to think about all the things you like and decide whether they're worth sticking around for. And if they are, you'll find a way to do this.
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George:
And what if I don't?
Rube:
Then you go away, and you don't get to like anything anymore.
[George is in a good mood one morning and Roxie doesn't like it]
Roxy:
How about a hot cup of shut the fuck up?
[Rube lights his pipe in the Happy Time office]
George:
You can't smoke in here.
Rube:
Ah, fuck that bullshit, they can blow me.
[after Rube asks Daisy to take two post its]
Daisy Adair:
NO! And no means no! Powerful isn't it? I learned it at a PSA about date rape!
[George, talking about Roxy]
George:
That's Roxy. She could kick your ass.
[talking to two girls]
Mason:
Do any of you girls work for UPS? 'Cause I couldn't help but notice you were checking out my package.
George:
Well, I want my life back!
Betty:
It's not like you were doing anything with it.
Roxy:
I'm going to put this politely as possible. I will fuck you up!
Mason:
But am I pretty?
Rube:
Oh, you're darling. You make my heart flutter.
George:
Life sucks, and then you die. And then it still sucks.
Roxy:
Nice Cross. How'd you get the blood off?
Daisy Adair:
Oh easy, soap and water.
Brennan:
[phone is ringing] Should I answer it?
George:
Let's give that a whirl.
Deirdre Daly:
[handing George a flower] For my first customer of the day.
George:
[taking her soul] Mine too.
George:
Who do I have to kill to get some attention around here!
Mason:
[about Crystal] We've got a problem.
George:
I don't think it's a problem.
Rube:
Gravelings?
Mason:
Weirder.
Roxy:
[to Mason who is curled up on a bench at the diner and looking out the window] What's wrong with you?
[Mason blinks in her direction, eyes bloodshot]
Roxy:
Are you stoned?
Mason:
[looking very pale and sickly] I've got illegals in my bottom...
[referring to the bag of cocaine that broke in his rectum at the airport]
Roxy:
[looking at mason shaking her head] Why do you do this to yourself?
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Mason
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:
[hand on his forehead whimpering] I don't know.
Mason:
I've got illegals in my bottom.
[George is thinking to herself about the new guy she has just met at work as she walks around the office]
George:
I cannot go out with this Brennan guy, it would never work out. You're a Taurus, he's a Gemini. He's Lutheran, and you're dead. You have to weasel your way out of this, you have to tell him... no.
[sees Fran, flirting with Brennan and playing with his hair]
George:
Oh my god, some slut is stealing my boyfriend!
Roxy:
[after Gravelings tried to drop something on her] You missed me, motherfuckers!
Daisy Adair:
[after a married couple dies right after their ceremony] They're not going to Bali for their honeymoon, are they?
Mason:
No
Daisy Adair:
That's really one of the saddest things I've ever heard.
[the newlywed spirits kiss]
Mason:
They don't seem to mind.
George:
Death is kind of like sex in high school. If you knew how many times you missed having it, you'd be paralyzed.
George:
Don't you want to at one with nature and your fellow workers? Nope, can't. bed-wetter.
Mason:
I'm so smart i'm practically retarded!
George:
Yuck! This juice tastes like ass, here you try it!
Mason:
No, thanks. I'm trying to stay off of the ass juice for now.
Joy:
Where are my effing keys?
Reggie Lass:
Maybe they're in your effing purse.
Joy:
Reggie! Don't say effing!
Mason:
Rube is so old, he probably reaped Jesus!
Dolores Herbig:
[to George after checking her online date account and getting no messages] You know, when you are young like you are, Millie, it's easy. Man, woman, bottom, top... sex is a big buffet and you are just a fat man with a fork. But, as you get older, it's harder to get a fork.
George:
I think when someone you love dies, you get a pass on normal.
George:
Since I just got promoted, I just thought you two should know - I take my coffee with a little milk, two sugars and a lot less of your bullshit.
Betty:
[to George] I like you, Toilet Seat. You got moxy.
George:
What's the point in keeping your head down it it's already been blown off?
Tiny:
The only thing we hate more than bad manners is the goddamn fascist helmet law!
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[last lines]
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George:
I'm not supposed to be here, but I am. I don't know if I'm supposed to watch over them or just haunt them. Either way, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having fun. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to be here, walking thru a graveyard, the day after Halloween, on a quiet and beautiful November morning. It's not so bad... being dead like me.
Dolores Herbig:
GEORGIA LASS!
George:
[bumping her head] What?
Dolores Herbig:
What?
George:
[quickly rethinking] Who?
George:
[voiceover] Let's go for a ride. My name is Georgia Lass. I'm 18 years old and I'm down there somewhere
[shows world]
George:
. I'm going to tell you a story, not my story, that's later, this is just a story... Ready? Once upon a time, or more specifically at the dawn of time, god, lower case "g", was getting busy with creation, as the kids these days are saying. He gave Toad a clay jar and said, "Be careful with this. It's got death inside". Pleased as punch and oblivious to the fact that he was about to become god's fall guy on the whole death issue, Toad promised to guard the jar. Then one day Toad met Frog. "Let me hold the jar of death, or what ever you call it", Frog begged. With a nod to Nancy Reagan's pros of wisdom, Toad just said no. But Frog was determined, and after much wining Toad finally gave in. "You can hold it, but only for a second", he said. In his excitement, Frog began to hop around and juggle the death jar from one foot to the other. Frog was an asshole. "Stop!" Toad cried out, but it was to late. Frog dropped the jar and it shattered to the ground. When it broke open, death got out, and ever since then all living things have to die. Makes you wonder how much better the world would be if frogs just stuck to hawking beer. So there you have it, the mystery of death finally revealed. We all die, some of us sooner then later. For me it's going to be much sooner. But that's only the beginning of my story.
Brian:
Look! A Pterodactyl!
George:
[thinking] Please tell me I didn't just fall for that.
George:
Get the F out. Before I kick your F-in' A again.
George:
[after Joy wakes her up and sends her to work] Who had the nerve to call you Joy?
Ray Summers:
Okay, George. Five reasons men are scum and women let us get away with it. One: we only want one thing. No exceptions. Two: we fall in love with you before we can have that thing and then fall back out once we've had it, whereas women conversely fall in love afterwards. Three: we will lie, cheat, steal or murder in order to get that thing... why am I sugarcoating this, you're a big girl... in order to fuck you. Four: we freely admit the numbers one, two, three, and women don't care. And the number five reason why men are scum and women let us get away with it: you can't live without us.
Rube:
[trying to get the reapers to work on their self-exams] Hey-there's no hob-knobbing. This is not a debutante party.
George:
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If I had to choose between being a heart or a brain I'd definitely choose a heart because at least you'd do something. If you're a brain, at the end of the day all you're really at is settling for shitty situations.
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George:
You really care how it's going with me?
Rube:
Sure. You make my face look like this and concerned words come out.
Rube:
What you're feeling right now -all the rage and frustration binding everything from your head to your digestive tract- that's my life with you.
Rube:
[in the morgue, referring to a corpse George was supposed to reap but did not,whose soul is still inside the body] Well, you really fucked the dog, peanut.
George:
I didn't make an appointment.
Rube:
You had an appointment.
George:
Correct me if I'm wrong, but mission accomplished.
Rube:
You're wrong. That was me correcting you.
George:
[after intentionally missing an appointment to reap a soul] I forgot to tell you my last guy didn't show... just thought you'd like to know. What's the soup today?
Rube:
Cream of bullshit.
Mason:
[referring to Rube] Stay on his good side. He's like a volcano George. He erupts and spews lava in little villages. They run around, they run around for their lives. But you know he stops and you can go back to the safety of your own home.
Roxy:
So what are you, Rube's butt boy?
George:
Why? Did you resign?
George:
So, my whole life, everything, all I get to keep are thoughts and memories?
Rube:
That's all we ever have peanut.
Betty:
[taking a quiz] Do you consider yourself exceptionally reasonable or exceptionally kind?
Mason:
Exceptionally kind.
[Betty looks at him questioningly]
Mason:
Well, I'm not particularly reasonable.
George:
This is why having a destiny sucks.
Stan Samuels:
[in a church] Why would God do this to me?
Daisy Adair:
Do what? Have you die this way?
Stan Samuels:
Have me live this way! God doesn't love all creatures, Daisy.
Daisy Adair:
I think you should pray, Stan.
Stan Samuels:
I want to forgive him, but I want him to tell me that he's sorry first.
[stained glass window of The Virgin Mary shatters]
George:
I don't know exactly what makes people cross over. I mean, souls. I think they see light where others cannot. I think they see a chance to become something else. Someone else.
George:
I can't believe I just said "dilly dally". I feel dirty.
Daisy Adair:
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You are always in your own head. It's like your talking to yourself.
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George:
[voice over] Am I?
Mason:
We're going to play a little Hallowe'en game. Now, I'm going to ask you a question and you're going to answer me. If you get it right, you win a dollar, if you get it wrong, I get all your candy. All right? Right. What original member of the Rolling Stones croaked whilst having a drowning accident?
Kids:
Mick Jagger?
Mason:
No, he's kind of alive and still touring.
Kids:
Keith Moon?
Mason:
No, that's the fucking Who.
Kids:
Who?
Mason:
The Who! It was Brian Jones, now hand over the candy. Now piss off. I partied with him and I reaped him, *yes*!
Rube:
Stealing candy from children. Challenging.
Roxy:
[in reference to the leg warmers, her invention and the reason for her murder in 1982] Jennifer Beals, you wore them well.
Rube:
The thing is what, Mason?
Mason:
You know that thing, ok, you're good at that thing, that, you can, you're better at, um, just, you know, you know, talking.
Rube:
Well said.
[a flaming toilet seat is about to hit George]
George:
Oh, shit.
Dolores Herbig:
Who has been making grilled cheese sandwiches with the defibrillator paddles?
George:
Shallow's the new deep, haven't you heard?
Penny:
You're the one who was killed by a toilet seat.
George:
God, will anyone ever let that go?
Mason:
She said you're...
[whispers]
Mason:
psychotic.
Kiffany:
I'm not psychic.
Mason:
I think you are.
Kiffany:
I have tables...
Mason:
I'll give you ten bucks.
Kiffany:
You only have two in your pocket.
[Penny died on the Titanic]
George:
How'd you die?
Penny:
Boating accident.
George:
Sailing? Water-skiing? Fall out of a dingy?
Penny:
Bigger.
Mason:
Roxy, your dress makes me feel funny in my pants.
[Roxy is dressed as a witch for Halloween]
Roxy:
I'm Roxy, the bad ass witch of the North-West.
Rube:
[to George] You're a constipator, Peanut. You disturb my shit, and that's annoying.
Rube:
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[to a hurried woman who sees an acquaintance in line at the post office and moves in line next to her]
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I have a question for you... is everyone in this line an asshole?
Woman in Post Office:
Excuse me?
Rube:
Is everyone you just cut in front of an asshole?
Woman in Post Office:
No.
Rube:
So it's just you then?
Woman in Post Office:
I have children in the car.
Rube:
I have a cake in the oven.
[pointing]
Rube:
He's got three minutes left on the meter. And she's got a lunch meeting. We all have a finite amount of time. Now get in the back of the line. And don't use your children like that - it's shameful.
George:
[Mason keeps on interrupting George when she is trying to convince Daisy to let Mason live with them] Shut the *fuck* up, Mason!
Joy:
So tell me the rules.
Raven:
We'll just go around the circle until you get it. Then you can join in.
Tabitha:
Overdose.
Raven:
Of what?
Tabitha:
Aspirin?
Raven:
Boring.
Tabitha:
Ok, wait. Boiling oil. Boiling acid.
Girl #2:
Electrocution.
Girl #3:
Decapitation.
Raven:
Flame.
Tabitha:
Brain embolism.
Girl #2:
Carpel tunnel.
Girl #3:
What's that?
Girl #2:
It's really, really bad.
Raven:
OK, Mrs. Lass?
Joy:
Umm... well, in my sleep, age 98, surrounded by flowers, and grandchildren, and all people I love.
Reggie Lass:
[sighs]
George:
I don't want to fit in, I just don't want to stand out.
Daisy Adair:
If Romeo had just masturbated a couple of times a week he would have saved both those nice families a heap of trouble.
Ray Summers:
Hi, I'm Ray.
George:
Fuck you, Ray.
Ray Summers:
Nice spendin' time with you guys.
Daisy Adair:
Ray, this is Mason. Mason, Ray. And George - curious George.
Mason:
So Daisy, what's goin' on, I thought it was just the three of us.
Ray Summers:
Daisy?
Daisy Adair:
Daisy Adair.
George:
So what do you do, Ray?
Ray Summers:
I'm a television producer, George.
George:
So you're rich.
Ray Summers:
Comfortable.
George:
I suppose you're charming.
Ray Summers:
Tolerable.
George:
And women just fall the fuck all over you.
Ray Summers:
Not you, I suspect.
Daisy Adair:
Georgia, you're being impolite.
Ray Summers:
No, no, that's okay. Everybody likes me eventually.
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Ray Summers:
[nodding toward Mason and Daisy] So what's that about?
George:
Probably you.
Ray Summers:
I find your friend Daisy painfully attractive.
George:
Take a number.
Ray Summers:
How do you know her?
George:
That's none of your fuckin' business.
Ray Summers:
You're an angry little thing, aren't ya?
George:
[raising dart towards Ray's eye] You call me a little thing again and I'll put this fuckin' dart right between your twinkling eyes.
Ray Summers:
'Nother tequila?
George:
Please... so, you the love 'em and leave 'em type?
Ray Summers:
I've done that.
George:
[eye roll] What is up with that?
Ray Summers:
What's the matter, George? A boy not nice to you?
George:
No, I'm good.
Ed Barphin:
May I ask you a question?
George:
That is a question. Would you like to ask me another one?
George:
Hi, Lydia. You've temped for them before. There's a dress code and your skirt needs to actually cover your ass... I don't care where your tattoo is, you cannot show crack at the office.
Daisy Adair:
You know, George, you have your very own saint.
George:
I'd rather have a pony.
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