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Old Man:
Hey. Is it just me, or do my balls itch?
Samuel Curtis:
I think it's you.
Old Man:
Good. For a minute, I thought my balls itched.
Old Man:
So this guy walks into a bar and he says to the bartender, "Can I use your phone?" The bartender says, "Sure." So he wipes his ass on it and the bar - What? Ah, shit. I just told you the punchline. Been telling this joke so fuckin' long, I knew I'd fuck it up.
Old Man:
So there's this man, and he lived his whole life on Earth, and his name was Mr. Stevenson. When Mr. Stevenson was eight years old, he asked another little boy if he would like a Hurts Donut. The other boy said yes. So he hit him on the arm and he said, "Hurts Donut." Five years later, Mr. Stevenson asked another boy about his same age at that time if he would like a Hurts Donut. when the boy said yes, Mr. Stevenson stabbed him over and over again in his eye and his cheek with a pencil, saying "Hurts Donut." Over the years, Mr. Stevenson did very well in school. On graduation day, he was sat next to another young man, who, like Mr. Stevenson, had earned high marks. When he asked the boy if he would like a Hurts Donut, the boy said, "Not if you're gonna stab me in the eye with a pencil." "I wouldn't even touch you," said Mr. Stevenson. So when the boy agreed, he presented him with a photograph of the young man's fiancée at a bachelor party, on some guy's table, fucking herself with a beer bottle. As tears filled the young man's eyes, Mr. Stevenson was heard to say, "Hurts Donut." A few years later, Mr. Stevenson got a job as a sales clerk in an electronics store. Within a year, he was caught stealing and immediately incarcerated. When he asked his cellmate if he would like a Hurts Donut, his cellmate said yeah. So... he gave him a Hurts Donut. Over the years, Mr. Stevenson grew too old to take care of himself, so they put him in a hospital. One day, he asked the new nurse if she would like a Hurts Donut. In anticipation of her response, Mr. Stevenson began humming and making smacking noises with his mouth. When the nurse smiled and said, "I know about you, Mr. Stevenson," Mr. Stevenson blurted out something totally incoherent and... and began to laugh.
[the bar patrons are laughing uproariously]
Old Man:
I've never understood this joke. But then, I've never been to Earth.
[Samuel is sleeping]
Voice:
What did your father teach you? What did your father teach you? What did your father teach you? What did your father teach you? What did your father teach you?
[Samuel wakes up, hits a switch, and speaks into a receiver]
Samuel Curtis:
My father taught me to kill the sunflower.
Voice:
Congratulations, Mr. Curtis. You are now awake. Two hours to Jupiter.
The Boy Who Actually Saw a Woman's Breast:
It was round and soft. Now go back to work.
[Samuel answers the phone]
Professor Hess:
Guess who this is?
Samuel Curtis:
Professor Hess.
Professor Hess:
That's right! You got it on the first try! For that, you get a kiss!
Samuel Curtis:
I'll pass.
Professor Hess:
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W-what? You think I'd kiss you? You'd love it if I'd kiss you. And I would never kiss you.
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Samuel Curtis:
You said you were going to kiss me.
Professor Hess:
I never said I'd kiss you. I never said that. You just want me to kiss you!
Samuel Curtis:
Um... not really.
Professor Hess:
Oh. I'm not good enough to kiss you. Is that what you're saying?
Professor Hess:
I have a picture of you. Guess what you're doing?
Samuel Curtis:
I'm taking a shit.
Professor Hess:
[laughing] I put it next to my trophy, and then I say, "Ooh, there's a stinky boy!"
Silver Miner:
In the year 1902, we were just a bunch of silver miners, out there every day, diggin' in the dirt, uneducated, and humpin' on each other every chance we could. Hell, sometimes some of us good ol' boys would even be humpin' on each other. And it weren't like we were tryin' to be fancy. We just didn't know what the hell we were lookin' at, did we, John?
Offscreen Voice:
Yeah, we did.
Silver Miner:
Ahh.
Lee Vilensky:
You will all partake in fresh fruit, brought here by the Blueberry Pirate himself. And I will partake in fresh fruit and sexual intercourse, an act in which we are all a stranger, but which, upon my return, I will describe to you in great detail.
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