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"According to Jim"
(2001)
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Cheryl:
[on Jim's behavior] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.
Cheryl:
Jim, are you listening to yourself?
Jim:
Yes I am, Cheryl. I *am* a genius. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time!
Jim:
Do you want Cheryl to make you a sandwich?
Dana:
I don't think that'll help, Jim.
Jim:
[pause] Do you want to make *me* a sandwich...?
Dana:
[to Cheryl] You're cake angry. You didn't sound cake angry on the phone.
Dana:
[to Cheryl] If your gonna cry for anyone, cry for me. I'm the one who's gonna have to babysit a fourth kid for free one day.
Gracie:
Trophies are stupid and all the others are nerds. It's like being with 50 other Uncle Andys.
Jim:
OK, I stucked the cat in the freezer.
Andy:
[telling Jim that he's found the bird they didn't want to find] Jim! B-I-R-D A-T S-I-X O-'-C-L-O-C-K!
Jim:
[confused] ... You want to have sex with a clock?
Dana:
[trying to distract their mother] Mom, I, uh... I kissed a girl in college!
Andy:
Uh... me too!
Maggie:
Andy, don't tell stories.
Jim:
Everyone, circumcise your watches!
Cheryl:
[Cheryl is desperate to talk Jim out of wanting something, and is trying to think of things to replace it] How about... sex with another woman?
Jim:
[brief pause] You or me?
Jim:
[under his breath] That's the great thing about you, honey... you remember every freakin' thing I say.
Jim:
You don't even know me any more! I think we should have more sex.
Cheryl:
Why?
Jim:
Why not?
Ruby:
Daddy, since Gracie won, can Kyle and I have popsicles?
Jim:
How does that work?
Ruby:
She's our sister, we're part of her posse.
Kyle:
I want a sponge bath, from a nurse.
Cheryl:
What?
Kyle:
Uncle Andy says there the best!
Jim:
I think sometimes Andy forgets that Kyle's in the back seat.
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Dana:
[whilst dancing with Andy] Wow, Andy, it's like someone connected your legs to your brain.
Cheryl:
Jim, there's a lot of culture in this city. We should take advantage of it.
Jim:
What? I take you to the zoo.
Andy:
I once walked in on my grandparents doing it. I mean, Grandpa's in his 70's, but he was really putting Nana through her paces.
Gracie:
How do you knock someone up?
Cheryl:
Well, you know how you knock someone down. Well, it's the opposite of that.
Gracie:
[to Ruby] Hey, let's go knock Kyle up!
Dana:
I'm trying my best to stay neutral, like Switzerland
Cheryl:
You mean creepy Switzerland that hid nazi money?
Dana:
No, I mean fun Switzerland with the watches, and the chocolate
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