advertisement Irene P. Waters: Could we maybe get Charlie back out here for a huddle? Hank Evans: Sure, and while I'm at it, why don't you go climb that telephone pole and take a big steamy piss on the power lines! Look, I'm not here to twist your niblets. I'm here to save your life. But to do that, I'm going to need complete uninanonomonitity. Charlie Baileygates: Now you know the house rules, no bitches after eleven. Charlie Baileygates: Do you people take checks? Limo Driver: Say that again. Do we people take checks? You mean a black man? Charlie Baileygates: No, I mean your company. Limo Driver: Don't give me that backtracking bullshit, that was a racist slur! Lieutenant Gerke: The guy's nuttier than a squirrel turd! Chris Rock: Toss my salad, fool what's that? Well having your salad tossed means having your asshole eaten out with jelly or syrup. I prefer syrup. Charlie Baileygates: He's a funny motherfucker! Jamaal: Our daddy may have advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. But he is a very gentle person! Hank Evans: [singing to The Dwarves' MotherFucker] I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Motherfucker! I'm a Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo-Mo... [sees Irene with a lawn dart at the ready] Hank Evans: Whoa, whoa, whoa, [turns off radio] Hank Evans: What's the buzz? Tell me what's happenin'. Hank Evans: Vagiclean," huh? What's the matter, honey? Little extra cheese on the taco? Mrs. Bittman: Excuse me? Hank Evans: No, excuse me. There's no tag on this. [grabs microphone] Hank Evans: Price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. I repeat: price check on Vagiclean, aisle five. That's Vagiclean. We've got a customer down here with a full-on fallopian fungus. She's baking a loaf of bread and I think it's sourdough. [When a guy throws a cigarette butt onto the ground] Hank Evans: Well fuck my ozone. Hank Evans: Hey ringworm... [Softball Player looks around] Hank Evans: Yeah I'm talking to you, you toxic waste of life. You gonna pick that butt up, or do I have to glue it to the end of my shoe and stick it in your big fat pimply a-hole? Softball Player: Hey buddy, chill out. It's just a cigarette. Hank Evans: Oh yeah? Well this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around I can leave one hell of a mess. Lee Harvey: Hey, Jamaal, just cut my man some slack. Jamaal: Look I'm just trying to help him save face, okay? If he keep asking questions like that, motherfuckers gonna think he stupid. Shonte Jr.: I ain't stupid. Charlie Baileygates: Hey, morning boys. What's all the commotion? Jamaal: Oh you know, just school shit and shit. Shonte Jr.: Okay so I add up the atomic masses of the proton and neutron, I see's that, but what do I do with the goddam electron? Can I bring it over here? Jamaal: Enrico Fermi would roll over in his motherfucking grave if he heard that stupid shit. I mean he would just turn over ass up in your face and wouldn't give a fuck! Shonte Jr.: Damn. I can't figure out the atomic mass of this motherfuckin' deutron! Jamaal: Shit, that's simple. Tell me this-what's a deutron made of? Shonte Jr.: A proton and a neutron. Jamaal: Then what's this motherfuckin' electron doing over here? Shonte Jr.: I don't know. Jamaal: Well get it outta there then! Charlie Baileygates: I never said anything remotely racist! Limo Driver: Oooh, so it's the little people thing, than? Charlie Baileygates: No! Limo Driver: You think just coz I'm small you can just push me around? Well, come on my friend. Let's boogie! I'm gonna give a little lesson in low center of gravity! [Limo Driver chases Charlie] Charlie Baileygates: Hey, cut it! Stop it now, Sir! Limo Driver: Don't patronize me with that 'Sir' crap! Jamaal: Lee Harvey, what's the diameter of a chicken egg? Lee Harvey: 4.08 centimeters. Jamaal: No what's that in inches? Lee Harvey: 1.61, what the fuck you gettin' at? Jamaal: I got ten bucks saying I can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass without it breaking. Shonte Jr.: You can't put no chicken egg up his ass, Man, look at him, he a tightass. Jamaal: No, it can be done. Lee Harvey: I'll take that bet. Officer Stubie: I promise you when I find your old man, I am personally gonna fuck him up! [in a police helicopter on the ground] Shonte Jr.: Anybody know how to fly this damn thing? Jamaal: Motherfucker, it can't be that hard, it's just lift versus drag and rotation. Lee Harvey: Yeah, man, get your head out your ass. Shonte Jr.: It's not that, man, the controls are written in German, ya asshole. Lee Harvey: Motherfucker, you speak German don't you? Shonte Jr.: Motherfucker, I can speak it, I ain't saying I can read the shit all that good. Jamaal: [Grabs instruction book] You a motherfuckin' disgrace! Hank Evans: You know, I think you're a very special unit. Irene P. Waters: That's sweet. Hank Evans: I hope we get to know each other better. Irene P. Waters: Yeah, me too. Hank Evans: Do you swallow? [Charlie takes his medication at the Massena Police Station] Irene P. Waters: What are those for? Charlie Baileygates: Oh! It's just this stupid thing. I have to take a pill every six hours or I feel... funny. No big deal. Irene P. Waters: What's it called? Charlie Baileygates: Advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. Irene P. Waters: Stay away from me, Hank! I know what you have planned, OK? I saw your so-called "supplies." Hank Evans: Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman. Irene P. Waters: I was talking about the shovel and the lime. Charlie Baileygates: Will you stay with me, no matter what? Layla: Of course, Charlie. Charlie Baileygates: Well, what if I had to move to the Arctic and you could never come home and you had to eat whale blubber for the rest of your life, would you still stay with me? Layla: Yeah, I'd stay. But I hope that never happens. [Layla leaves Charlie for the Limo Driver] Charlie Baileygates: But you said you'd eat whale blubber. Limo Driver: She'll be eating blubber all right, just as soon as I free "Willy." Lee Harvey: Is your old lady happy? Lieutenant Gerke: Is my old lady happy? Lee Harvey: Yeah, because if your fuckin' is anything like your police work then you couldn't hit the G-spot on a twelve pound pussy. Hank Evans: So, what's your tale, Mother Goose? Where ya from? Irene P. Waters: Oh, all over. Hank Evans: Omnipresence. I like that in a woman. Lee Harvey: He's so stupid he thinks Calculus is a God damn emperor! Shonte Jr.: Yeah well you think Polypeptide's a motherfuckin' toothpaste! Hank Evans: The name's Hank, fuck face, learn it! Jamaal, Lee Harvey, Shonte Jr.: Thanks for watching our motherfucking movie! [Dunking little girl in fountain] Charlie Baileygates: You had enough? Little Girl: I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie! Charlie Baileygates: Wrong answer. And the names Hank, fuckface. [after escaping Lieutenant Gerke] Irene P. Waters: Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid! Hank Evans: Woa, woa, woa, wooa! Tweak the high end on your emotional EQ, sweetpeak. The funky chicken was Charlie's dance. I'm a tango man myself. Colonel Partington: Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation when Layla left? Charlie Baileygates: Why... why would I? Wives leaves their husbands everyday in this country... It's no reason to short change the department... it's not like I had the flu! Shonte Jr.: Motherfucker! That Vince Foster was murdered! Lee Harvey: Would you quit hacking into them Pentagon files. Never mind who them crooked politicians be killing. You need to go your goddamn studyin'! Shonte Jr.: Man how the hell can they call Pluto a planet? No motherfucking planet has an elliptical orbit. This shit don't make no sense. Hank Evans: Well looky here, it's a human Q-tip. Guy on Street: Hey big guy, you hear the news, my son Billy got the lead in his school musical. Hank Evans: Well I guess he likes the cock after all. [a kid with glasses stares mindlessly at Charlie, who then transforms into Hank] Hank Evans: What are you staring at, fuckface? Guy on Street: What is your problem? Hank Evans: I got no beef with you. This is between me and the boy. [inside an airplane] Whitey: It's gonna be raining wine and roses tonight. Jamaal: It's gonna be raining my motherfucking cookies if motherfuckers don't cut out this turbulence shit! [Whitey and Charlie are lying in bed in a hotel room together] Charlie Baileygates: So, Whitey, what happened to your family? Whitey: I killed them. I hacked them up with a hammer while they were asleep. Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis. She was awake, my sis. I was just released from prison on my 21st birthday. I wasn't ready to leave but they said I had to. Fucked up law, huh? [after Hank crashes the guy's car into his shop] Hank Evans: There ya go, buddy. I parked it for ya. And by the way, you got a headlight out. [Puts ticket on the windshield] Officer Stubie: Would someone please get this chicken out of my ass? Irene P. Waters: Does your ass feel swolen. Charlie Baileygates: [referring to his pills] No. But it can give you unbelievable cotton-mouth. Irene P. Waters: I meant from the ride. Charlie Baileygates: Oh. Oh, yeah. Over the years my ass has taken a pounding. Shonte Jr.: [On Charlie's new chin] He sure is a Spartacus looking motherfucker. Irene P. Waters: So I smoked some pot, what is that a crime? Agent Steve Parfitt, FBI: [hesitates] ... Uh-huh. Charlie Baileygates: I turn my back for one moment then you stick it up my ass. Literally! Irene P. Waters: For your information, you stuck it in your own ass! Hank Evans: What the hell are you still doing here? Charlie Baileygates: You can't just throw me away, Hank, we're in this together. Jamaal: Our daddy didn't kill no cop and he sure as shit didn't kidnap no skinny-ass bitch! [after Hank Evans has a bowel movement on the neighbor's lawn] Shonte Jr.: Damn, do you think daddy's getting too much stress? Lee Harvey: I think he's getting too much shredded wheat by the mothafuckin' look of it! Hank Evans: Ever been bitch slapped? Narrator: It's funny how a man reacts when his heart has been broken. Some men break down and cry like a baby. And some others take an uzi and climb a clock tower. Irene P. Waters: I never wanted to sleep with you, Hank! Okay, you tricked me! Hank Evans: Yes, I tricked you. It was deceitful, it was disgusting and despicable. But just for once, see it from my side. [shrugs] Hank Evans: I was horny. Hank Evans: I noticed you conveniently left out your eating disorder. Irene P. Waters: I don't have and eating disorder. Hank Evans: Whatever you say, slim. [after Dicky falls on Hank] Hank Evans: Warden. I want my own cell. Charlie Baileygates: Irene? Irene P. Waters: Hmm? Charlie Baileygates: Why am I peeing like I was up all night having sex? Narrator: Well, it seems old Hank had pulled a fast one. Hank Evans: Holy Jesus in heaven! it's a giant Q-tip. Irene P. Waters: Hank! Hank Evans: What? I'm jokin' with the guy. Bringin' a little sunshine into his life. Careful, you'll peel. Irene P. Waters: You should be furious. I just dropped kicked you right in the face. Charlie Baileygates: Hey, it happens. Charlie Baileygates: Well, we can't be calling you Milky if your comin' with us, so what's your name? Whitey: Casper, but my friends call me Whitey. Charlie Baileygates: Uh, okay. Hank Evans: [to Irene] Name's Hank, Hank Evans - for little girls... Lee Harvey: You keep fuckin' around and you gonna get that scholarship to Yale taken away. End up at Stanford with a muthafuckin' sling blade. Jamaal: Shit, yo' ass gonna be lucky to get into Duke, gettin' a muthafuckin' 1430 on yo' SATs. Lee Harvey: Shit, muthafucka you know I had the flu. Jamaal: You'd have to have a muthafuckin' aneurysm to get a 1430, shit. Hank Evans: Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone. Irene P. Waters: Did you just refer to yourself in the fourth person? Hank Evans: [after Dicky get's knocked out] Is that your old golfing partner? Irene P. Waters: Yes. Hank Evans: Well, I hope he doesn't mind if I play through. Irene P. Waters: Stop it, Hank Hank Evans: Fine, turn around. I'll play the back nine. Irene P. Waters: I mean it. Hank Evans: C'mon. He couldn't have chewed the greens that badly. Irene P. Waters: He hasn't played in awhile. It was Charlie who was up to putt. Hank Evans: Charlie? Irene P. Waters: Yeah. He may not be long off the tee, but he has one hell of a up and down game. Hank Evans: [Fustrated] What the hell are you talking about! Hank Evans: Charlie's like origami, he folds under pressure. Hank Evans: What are you staring at fucker? You wanna start me up? Just open the choke and pull the cord, pal. There's gonna be an earthquake and you're dancing on the fault line. Irene P. Waters: Charlie may not be long off the tee, but he's got a very good up and down game. Hank Evans: What? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Can we just speak English here? Hank Evans: Listen, Pocahontas, unless you put your ear to the ground, you'll never hear the buffalo comin'! Irene P. Waters: Ok, look, I don't know what that means! Mr. Murphy, Disabled Guy: [seeing Hank Evans urinating into the tank] Get your cock out of my Chrysler, you son of a bitch! Jamaal: These two motherfuckers can do the shopping, and I'll do the cooking. Lee Harvey: Man, you'll do the cooking? Man, you're the one who thought you got chipped beef from a toothy blowjob. Hank Evans: Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel? Hank Evans: Free hot dogs here, all you can eat! Get your foot long and a bag of nuts!