经典台词

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• [Reed is explaining why they can't perform Othello, which was written for a black actor] Reed Martin: We're racially challenged. [Adam has mistaken the definition of moor] Reed Martin: We left Adam on his own to research this play. Apparently, he looked up "moor" in the dictionary and thought it was where you tie up boats. Adam Long: That's what it told me it is, man! Austin Tichenor: Which, in the course of this context is completely ridiculous, because, you see, in the 16th Century, the word moor referred to a black person. [Adam looks at both of them] Adam Long: I feel like such a dork. Austin Tichenor: Yeah, well, go with the feeling. Adam Long: I've got an idea that's totally boat-less. Maybe if we just get a rythm going, you know, like... [begins a rap intro] Adam Long: Here's the story of a brother by the name of Othello. He liked white women, and he liked... green... Jell-O. Austin Tichenor: Hey, yeah! And a punk named Iago, made himself a menace because [w/Adam] Austin Tichenor: he didn't like Othello, the moor of Venice! [Macbeth] McDuff: Ach, see you, Jimmy! And know that McDuff was from his mother's womb untimely ripped - what do ye think aboot that, lad? MacBeth: Ech! That's bloody disgustin'! [the confrontation between Romeo and Tybalt] Tybalt Capulet: Romeo! The love I bear thee can afford no better term than this: thou art a villain! Therefore turn and draw! Romeo Montague: But Tybalt, I have not harmed thee, but love thee better than thou canst devise! Tybalt Capulet: Oh, wretched boy, I am for you! OH, I AM SLAIN! [Tybalt takes a bow and storms offstage. Confused, Romeo and the Narrator ramble through the text to figure out where they are] the Narrator: ...Moving right along... Gertrude: Oh no! I am poisoned! [Gertrude proceeds to vomit over various audience members] [Hamlet really REALLY fast] Hamlet: Alaspooryorktherestissilence! Hamlet: It is I, Omelette the Cheese Danish! Austin Tichenor: And now, I'd like to help set the scene a little bit for what is quite possibly the greatest play ever written in the history of the English language... HAMLET! Prince of Denmark! The place... Denmark! The time... A very long time ago! Two guards on the battlements of the Castle Elsinore meet... [Exits... Waits for the guards to go onstage] Guard: [whining backstage] I don't wanna do this stupid play! Pelonius: My Lord, Act Two! 复制 复制成功 复制失败，请手动复制
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• : Gesundheit! Adam Long: Alright, we're going to go through Hamlet again very quickly. But before we do, I just want to say a quick warning. Okay, we're going to be moving very quickly this time, and there are falls that we take, there are props that we send flying back and forth across the stage, and I know we make it look easy, but it's very difficult. Remember, we are trained professionals. Omnes: Do not try this at home! Adam Long: Yeah, go over to a friend's house. It's much safer... Juliet: What's in a name, anyway? That which we call a nose by any other name could still smell. Claudius, Hamlet: Oh no! It's Laertes! Claudius: Son of Pelonius! Hamlet: Brother to Ophelia! Claudius: And a snappy dresser! Marc Anthony: Meanwhile, Julius Caesar was a much beloved tyrant. Romans: All hail Julius Caesar! Marc Anthony: Who was warned by a sooth-sayer... Sooth-Sayer: Beware the Ides of March! Marc Anthony: ...But Caesar ignored the warning. Julius Caesar: What the hell are the Ides of March? Sooth Sayer: Well, that's the fifteenth of March. Julius Caesar: Why, that's today! [Marc Anthony and the Sooth Sayer stab Caesar repeatedly] Father Laurence: Take of this vial and drink, and soon shalt thou feel a cold and drowsy humor running through thy veins. [Juliet drinks from the vial] Juliet: Oh, I feel a cold and drowsy humor running through my veins, Obi-Wan. Father Laurence: Told you so. Juliet: Gak! Cough! Gasp! [Juliet proceeds to vomit over various audience members] Cleopatra: Is this an asp I see before me? Oh no! [Cleopatra proceeds to vomit over various audience members] Ophelia: Oh... Feeling a little nauseous... [Ophelia proceeds to vomit over various audience members] Benvolio & Samson: Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona, where we lay out seen. From ancient grudge break to new mutiny, where civil blood makes civil hands unclean. And from forth the fatal loins of these two foes, a pair of star-crossed lovers take their life. Ugh! Whose misadventures piteous o'er throws, do, with their death, bury their parents strife. Thank you very much. Laertes: Hamlet comes back; What shall I... Ophelia: Wait, Reed, before you go on, what's the next scene with Ophelia? Laertes: There are no more scenes with Ophelia. Ophelia: No, man, I'm up for it. Laertes: There aren't any. That's all Shakespeare wrote. 复制 复制成功 复制失败，请手动复制
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• : Well what happens to her? Laertes: She drowns. Ophelia: ...Okay, cool! [Ophelia runs offstage] Laertes: I'll anoint my sword with such an... [Ophelia runs back onstage with a cup of water] Ophelia: Here I go! Laertes: No... [Ophelia splashes the water in her face] Ophelia: AAAAAAAH! [Ophelia collapses, dies, gets up, takes a bow, and runs offstage] Adam Long: Oh, my brain! Ophelia: AAAAAHHHHHHH! I'm mad! I'm out of my tiny little mind! I'm screwy-louie, I'm... [points to girl in audience who played Ophelia in the last scene] Ophelia: see, this is acting. [during the audience-participation sequence] Reed Martin: Alright, very good, excellent... Hey, you, third one in... What's your deal? Everybody's doing great; "MAYBE, MAYBE NOT! MAYBE, MAYBE NOT!" Here's him. [Reed slumps like a propped up corpse] Adam Long: "Does not play well with other children." Reed Martin: You know what that means, don't you Bob? That means you have to do it... The Reduced Shakespeare Company: All by yourself! [trying to perform the "to be or not to be" soliloquy] Austin Tichenor: [quietly] Shut up. [Laughter] Austin Tichenor: [a little louder] Shut up! [More laughter] Austin Tichenor: [pulling out his sword] What part of "shut up" don't you understand? [Laughter] Austin Tichenor: They're laughing at me! Adam Long: No, no. They're laughing WITH you. Austin Tichenor: [pointing to an audience member] No, that guy, right there, was laughing AT me! [Adam, as Cleopatra, has begun "vomiting" on people] Reed Martin: You've got this really bizarre notion that all of Shakespeare's tragic heroines wear these really ugly wigs, and vomit on people before they die! Adam Long: It's an interpretation! [Adam doesn't want to take part in "Hamlet"] Reed Martin: The play is called "The Complete Works of William Shakespeare". Adam Long: Then we'll change the name. We'll call it "The Complete Works of Shakespeare Except Hamlet". [after finishing an act of Romeo & Juliet] Austin Tichenor: And so much for Act I. [applause] Austin Tichenor: It wasn't that good. [laughter] Reed Martin: Take the time now to locate the exit nearest your seat. [makes gestures a la an airplane flight attendant pointing out the exits] Reed Martin: If the room should experience a sudden change in pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally. If you're here with a small child, please place your own mask on first, and let the little bugger fend for himself. [laughter] [Adam is fighting doing Hamlet, and has stolen an audience member's purse] Reed},, Austin: Adam! Give that back! [Both rip the bag out of his hand] Adam Long: What? Is it wrong to take somebody's bag now? Reed Martin: YES! Adam Long: I can't do anything right with you two! Why don't you just take away my birthday! Reed, Austin: What? Adam Long: I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family. Adam Long: I'll do it. I swear to god I'll kill the cameraman. Austin Tichenor: I don't care! We have five other cameramen; I don't care! Adam Long: I just don't think i could do justice to it... Austin Tichenor: What are you talking about... we don't have to do justice to it... I mean, where have you been? We just have to do it! MacBeth: Ach, that's de-great! And McWhat McNeed McI McFearrrrrrrr of McDuff? the Narrator: From Tybalt's death onward, the lovers are cursed, despite the best efforts of Friar and Nurse. Their fate pursues them, they can't seem to duck it... [Austin realizes where the text is headed, and improvises] the Narrator: ... And at the end of Act Five, they both kick the bucket! Juliet: [singing the "Lone Ranger" theme song] Gallop apace, you fiery-footed steed and bring him cloudy night immediately! Come night! Come civil night! Come him thou Romeo day and night! Come gentle night! Come loving, black-browed night! Oh, night, night, night, night, night! Come, come, come, come, come! [laughter] Juliet: I didn't write it! The Reduced Shakespeare Company: Cut the crap, Hamlet! My biological clock is ticking, and I want babies NOW! Adam Long: It's a metaphor... wrapped in an allegory. Adam Long: Shakespeare didn't write Hamlet, did he? [about "Hamlet"] Adam Long: It's a Mel Gibson movie! Austin Tichenor: Yeah, but it's based on the play. 复制 复制成功 复制失败，请手动复制

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