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剧 情
Elvira, who is the host of a cheap horror movie program finds that she is the heir to an aunt's mansion in New England. The mansion is the h...
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Bob Redding:
I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies.
Elvira:
Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.
Chastity Pariah:
I don't know who you are or where you came from but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress.
Elvira:
Listen sister, if I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
Elvira:
Bloody Mary.
Bartender:
No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?
Elvira:
Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.
Mrs. Morissey:
Oh Mister Talbot, your sister was like a mother to me.
Vincent Talbot:
She was a mother to me too, dear. Well, now that we've dispensed with the obligatory display of bereavement, you may begin the proceedings, Mister Bigelow.
Patty:
Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.
Elvira:
Cheap. Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, catch of the day?
Vincent Talbot:
I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.
Elvira:
It's OK. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.
Elvira:
Revenge is better than Christmas.
Bob Redding:
How's your head?
Elvira:
I haven't had any complaints yet.
Chastity Pariah:
Well, if she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town. Are we agreed?
Mr. Clotter:
I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me.
Elvira:
I have seen the People's Court. I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search.
Elvira:
Grab a tool and start banging.
Elvira:
And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing the head with two things... I mean the thing with two heads.
Elvira:
Yeah, I'll do it for fifty bucks.
Bob Redding:
No, you didn't.
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fd2
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Elvira:
Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot they're gonna need all the luck they can get.
Chastity Pariah:
Boy am I a horn dog. Is this face taken?
Elvira:
And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words.
[Stops to think]
Elvira:
Any two, as long as they're simple.
[breaks down crying]
Bob Redding:
Well, at least you still have the ring.
Elvira:
Yeah, but now all I can make it do is look cheap.
Elvira:
What is there to do for fun around here?
Robin Meeker:
This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night.
Elvira:
Gee, I think I can handle it.
Mrs. Meeker:
Ok, but I want payment up front. I know what you heavy metal weirdos do to hotel rooms. I read all about it in the Star.
Earl Hooter:
The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why.
Elvira:
Gee, I dont know, does it have anything to do with your breath?
Mrs. Meeker:
Leslie was the one covering people in apple butter. I was just an innocent on-licker.
Chastity Pariah:
He had his way with me in broad daylight.
Calvin Cobb:
Me? You could have worn out a mechanical bull.
Bob Redding:
You know what your problem is? Chastity Pariah.
Elvira:
Oh. I thought that cleared up.
Anchorwoman:
Is there anything that could possibly shame you?
Elvira:
Yeah,
[flicks anchorwoman's scarf]
Elvira:
wearing this out in public might do it.
Manny:
If you don't cough up the money the only showroom you'll be seeing will have Toyotas in it.
Elvira:
I didn't know I had a good aunt, let alone a great one.
Cop:
Do you know you were doing fifty in a twenty five miles per hour zone?
Elvira:
No, but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it.
Lesley Meeker:
We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin checked out yesterday?
Elvira:
I hope you changed the sheets.
Elvira:
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35
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My name's Elvira but you can call me 'tonight'.
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c73
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Chastity Pariah:
Well, I never.
Elvira:
Yeah, and you never will with those soup cans on your head.
Vincent Talbot:
The charge, my fellow council members, is witchcraft.
Vincent Talbot:
He who holds the book of sight, when the moon is drained of all its light, will then be ruler of the night, Master of the Dark.
Vincent Talbot:
I'll get you and your little dog, too.
Chastity Pariah:
Please, I don't think we need to resort to name calling. I think what Calvin is trying to say is that this Elvira is person of easy virtue, a purveyor of pulchritude, a one-woman Sodom and Gomorrah, if you will. A slimy, slithering succubus, a concubine, a street walker, a tramp, a slut, a cheap whore.
Patty:
Trash does not compete with class.
Billy:
I am so sure. They're gonna kill Spider-Man with plutonium? He's GOT radioactive blood!
Bob Redding:
I run the movie house.
Elvira:
Oh, really? I'm in movies too! Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"?
Bob Redding:
No...
Elvira:
How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?
[Elvira is late for the reading of her aunt's will]
Elvira:
Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, but then, so is my aunt.
Earl Hooter:
Sounds like your looking to get yourself fired little lady.
Elvira:
Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror!
Elvira:
Hey, nice jacket. Who shot the couch?
Earl Hooter:
[Grabbing Elvira's breasts] It's milkin' time!
Bob Redding:
Patty... you're not a very nice person!
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