光棍出差 (1985) 5.9

Austin Millbarge: They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb. Emmett Fitz-Hume: It got me through high school. [There is a war cry in the distance] Emmett Fitz-Hume: Was that me? Russian Interregator #1: Why are you here? Emmett Fitz-Hume: Why am I here? Why are you here? Why is anybody here? I think it was Jean-Paul Sartre who once said... how do you spell spell Sartre? [soldier slaps him] Emmett Fitz-Hume: Owww... and let that be a lesson to you. [Milbarge and Fitz-Hume hear a sound] Emmett Fitz-Hume: What was that? Austin Millbarge: It was a dickfor. Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's a dickfor? Austin Millbarge: To pee with. Russian Interregator #2: Every minute you don't tell us why you are here, I cut off a finger. Emmett Fitz-Hume: Mine or yours? Russian Interregator #2: Yours. Emmett Fitz-Hume: Damn! Emmett Fitz-Hume: Oh. Uh, will you hold my wallet for me while I take the test, please? There's a thousand dollars in there... or maybe there isn't. Know what I mean? Test Monitor: Are you saying I can take this money if I help you pass the test? Emmett Fitz-Hume: What do you think? Austin Millbarge: They're Afghani freedom fighters! They're on our side! WE'RE AMERICANS! Col. Rhumbus: Boys, it would be a shame to have to kill you now. [Surrounded by Ninja warriors] Emmett Fitz-Hume: If you let us go, I'll bring back the sun. [Shows a picture from his wallet] Emmett Fitz-Hume: Here's a picture of my sister. If you let us go you can have her. I hear she's quite good. [Ninjas emerge and surround Millbarge and Fitz-Hume] Austin Millbarge: We need a plan. Emmett Fitz-Hume: Let's play dead. Austin Millbarge: For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro. Emmett Fitz-Hume:

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My objective? Well I object to taking a girl out, you know, and buying her dinner and then she won't put out for you.

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[Emmett Fitz-Hume and Austin Millbarge are surrounded by Ninja warriors] Austin Millbarge: Show some balls, man! Emmett Fitz-Hume: I think it's too late to try and impress them. [Arguing surgical techniques] Austin Millbarge: We mock what we don't understand. Ace Tomato Agent: Won't you gentlemen have a Pepsi? Austin Millbarge: [Listening to faint music] It's..."Soul Finger" by the Bar Kays Emmett Fitz-Hume: They must be havin' a hard time getting gigs. Emmett Fitz-Hume: What's she saying? Austin Millbarge: H... hair... hairbrush... headrest... Emmett Fitz-Hume: Jesus, where did you learn your Russian, JCPenney? Austin Millbarge: Find a rock! Go the the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing! [Fitz-Hume smashes terminal] Emmett Fitz-Hume: It's broken. Austin Millbarge: Bring it here. [Fitz-Hume shrugs and walks towards Milbarge holding rock instead of the terminal] Austin Millbarge: Not the rock. Austin Millbarge: I gotta take a leak. You should go too. Emmett Fitz-Hume: What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom? Austin Millbarge: So, isn't now one of those times? Emmett Fitz-Hume: No. Austin Millbarge: You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment? Emmett Fitz-Hume: No, I'm fine! Austin Millbarge: Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now? Emmett Fitz-Hume: I gotta take a wizz? Austin Millbarge: [Nods triumphantly] Emmett Fitz-Hume: I'm Sorry I'm late, I had to attend the reading of a will. I had to stay till the very end and I found out I received nothing... broke my arm. Emmett Fitz-Hume: [walks in the test room with a broken arm and a patch over his eye] ... I'm sorry I'm late. I had to attend the reading of a will. Emmett Fitz-Hume: [in celebration after saving the human race] ... Can I borrow your tent? Emmett Fitz-Hume: Are there any Paraguyans here? [subtle laugh] Emmett Fitz-Hume:

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Well of course their requests for subsidies was not paraguayan in and of it is as it were the United States government would never have if the president, our president, had not and as far as I know that's the way it will always be. Is that clear?