Gallagher: [introducing Bill Kirchenbauer] He can't sing. He can't dance. He can't tell jokes. There's no end to the list of things he can't do. He's giving up a lucrative career in vinyl repair to be with us tonight. He's a former counselor at a halfway house, for girls who won't go all the way. Gallagher: I went Melon Crazy. Why? 'Cause it's deductable!