Bill Cosby: Himself (1983) 8.0

Bill Cosby:

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It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"

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Bill Cosby: Little Jeffrey. I remember his name, not because he said, "I'm four years old," but because Jeffrey's mother said his name all 2500 miles of the trip. Bill Cosby: I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?" Bill Cosby: The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. [He makes motions of a dentist drill slipping] Bill Cosby: And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse." Bill Cosby: After rinsing in a dentist's office, you're gonna spit into this miniature toilet bowl. You have no bottom lip so you let it all fall out and say, "Thank God for gravity." Now you want to sit back, but you can't because hanging from your bottom lip is a long line and you can't get it off your bottom lip. Oh, if you wanna be gross, you can grab it and throw it over there. But you try to be smooth about it. And there's breaking over here and there's breaking over there. You try to blow it off. Just vibrating. So you figure, maybe if you sit back, it will snap in half. So you sit back. Now you have a line from the bowl to your bottom lip. The dentist looks at it and says, "Oh, look, a rainbow!" So you have to pay him for that. Bill Cosby: God has a sense a humor and God said, "Let him have a girl." Plop. Came out. And I had my child there, first born at home, and it does something to you when you're a father. You're home, you know, really home. And the baby was dirty, she'd made a little poo-poo. My wife and I were so happy when the child made the poo-poo. We asked the child... [In silly voice] Bill Cosby: "Are you the one who made the poo-poo? C'mon, you made the poo-poo. You can poopy... [Talks in baby talk] Bill Cosby: And the baby said... [does a happy motion] Bill Cosby: I said, "That's right, you want to make the poo-poo, you poo-poo when you want to poo-poo." [In normal voice] Bill Cosby: And my wife and I were so happy, we showed it to each other. [Silly voice] Bill Cosby: Did you see the poo-poo? Oh, that's a pretty poo-poo! [Normal voice] Bill Cosby: We called our parents up, "Come over and see the poo-poo!" They came over. "Oh, my God, will you look at the poo-poo!" Two months later, God put odor in the poo-poo, and it became a mess. Parents didn't want to change the child anymore. And they talked to the child... [In scolding voice] Bill Cosby: "Will you look at what you just did? No, I didn't want to see that. You made a mess! Yucky! Icky! Messy!" Bill Cosby: Now you've got to go. So you come into the bathroom, close the door; now, don't forget: you owe this to yourself. You've worked hard all week. It's come to this: [Kneels beside the chair and pretends to lift the lid on the john, then starts moaning] Bill Cosby:

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"Ahh, Jesus... Oh, God... If You get me out of this, I'll never drink again as long as I live...”