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Robert Louis Stevenson
编剧
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John Mills
演员
饰Masterman Fin...
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Ralph Richardson
演员
饰Joseph Finsbu...
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Michael Caine
演员
饰Michael Finsb...
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Peter Cook
演员
饰Morris Finsbu...
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Dudley Moore
演员
饰John Finsbury
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Peter Sellers
演员
饰Doctor Pratt
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Queen Victoria:
In recognition of your many and varied services to the crown, I dub thee...
[the sword descends too fast]
Queen Victoria:
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2f
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Oh. We are frightfully sorry, Sir Robert.
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[Aboard a train engine after a wreck]
First Driver:
Fred?
Stoker:
Yeah?
First Driver:
We haven't heard the last of this.
[Recounting the railway accident]
Joseph Finsbury:
I was in the water closet of the Bournemouth express when it quite unaccountably exploded, thereby extensively damaging the rest of the train. I can't really think that I was to blame, although at the time I was smoking.
Morris Finsbury:
Now what we need is a venal doctor.
John Finsbury:
But - Uncle Joseph's dead! It's too late!
Morris Finsbury:
Not for him, for us! Now, you remember that chambermaid you got into... um...
John Finsbury:
...thing.
Morris Finsbury:
Thing. Who was the doctor who did the, um...
John Finsbury:
...thing. Uh, Pratt, Dr. Pratt.
Morris Finsbury:
Was he venal?
John Finsbury:
I - I didn't like to ask.
Morris Finsbury:
Well, did he do the...
John Finsbury:
...thing. Yes.
Morris Finsbury:
Good.
John Finsbury:
But... what's he got to do with it?
Morris Finsbury:
He's part of the plan. Now you and I are the only two people in the world who *know* that Uncle Joseph is, uh...
John Finsbury:
...thing.
Morris Finsbury:
...dead.
[the doctor, owner of dozens of cats, is coughing]
Doctor Pratt:
I'm all right; it's just a fur ball; it's nothing. Strangely, I haven't had fur for a fortnight.
Doctor Pratt:
Well, it'll cost you five shillings.
Morris Finsbury:
Price is no object.
Doctor Pratt:
Right. Ten shillings, then. Payable in advance.
Morris Finsbury:
I collect eggs, Doctor.
Doctor Pratt:
Eggs, yes. Oh, I enjoy an egg myself, yes. They don't make good pets, though; you can never get them in at night.
[about parents]
Julia Finsbury:
Oh, I only knew mine vaguely. My father was a missionary. He was eaten by his Bible class.
[last lines]
Detective:
All right, come on, come on, what's going on? Come on, what is it? Come on!
Clergyman:
Please, sir, I beg of you, there's a dead man here.
Detective:
All right, no one move!
[long pause while he realizes it's a church burial]
Detective:
Finsbury?
Michael Finsbury, Julia Finsbury, Masterman Finsbury, Joseph Finsbury, Morris, John Finsbury<
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/b>:
Yes?
Detective:
MORRIS Finsbury!
John Finsbury:
[turning Morris around and pointing at him] Yes.
Detective:
Morris Finsbury, I arrest you for stealing £100,
Lawyer Patience:
But the money has been returned, sir.
Detective:
Who are you, sir? Some sort of accomplice?
Lawyer Patience:
Certainly not: I am his solicitor.
Detective:
Oh, you've brought your solicitor with you, have you? Yes, I've met your type before.
Lawyer Patience:
No, no, no. I mean, I, I, I'm the administrator of the tontine.
Detective:
Tontine?
Joseph Finsbury:
Named after Lorenzo Tonti, a Neapolitan banker.
Detective:
And who are you, sir?
Joseph Finsbury:
I ...
Masterman Finsbury:
[interrupting] He's nobody. He's my young brother.
Detective:
And who are you, sir?
Masterman Finsbury:
None of your business, sir!
Detective:
I shall have you arrested for indecent exposure!
Julia Finsbury:
Oh!
Michael Finsbury:
My grandfather was recently buried, sir.
Detective:
And who are you, sir?
Julia Finsbury:
He is Michael Finsbury.
Detective:
And who are YOU, madam?
Michael Finsbury:
She is Julia Finsbury, shortly to become... Julia Finsbury!
Detective:
Young man, did you know there was a body in the piano?
Peacock:
I did it.
Detective:
Who is he?
Michael Finsbury:
He is the butler, sir.
Detective:
The butler did it?
Michael Finsbury:
No, sir. I put the body there.
Detective:
Is this true?
Michael Finsbury:
Yes sir.
Detective:
In that case, you are entitled to a reward of £1, You are responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just end.
Michael Finsbury:
A, a thousand pounds? Oh, but I-I-I don't, I don't deserve it. The body just arrived in a barrel.
John Finsbury:
I sent it.
Detective:
And who are you, sir?
Morris Finsbury:
He is of diminished responsibility, officer. It was all my doing. If there's any justice in this naughty world, the reward is mine.
Detective:
And WHO are YOU?
[falls into open grave]
Morris Finsbury:
You remember me - Morris Finsbury. I was falsely accused of stealing a hundred thousand pounds, whereas in fact it was me, and me alone, who was responsible for bringing the Bournemouth Strangler to his just desserts.
Peacock:
[a grand piano jammed in a doorway] You know what that is? That is stuck. That is what that is.
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Michael Finsbury
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:
[examining a Classical Greek statue] Is it a fraud, Peacock?
Peacock:
Life is a fraud, Master Michael.
John Finsbury:
Morris! Do you realize it's a criminal offense to wear that coat?
Morris:
I'm not wearing any *trousers*!
John Finsbury:
...but that too is a criminal offense!
Joseph Finsbury:
[carrying on a one-sided conversation with the Bournemouth Strangler] Ahh, the avocational activities of man are many and varied. Some demand skill - yours for instance! Carpentry... the playing of games with balls of various sizes!
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