Mark's Uncle: That's all right, that's ok, umm... Friend/Musician: Here is what it think of lottery... It's like, when you play the lottery, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose... But it better than using drugs or alcohol - Because when you use drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose. Mark Borchardt: 'Your AT&T Universal Card has arrived"? Oh God, Kick-fucking-ass, I got a Master Card. I don't believe it, man. Life is kinda cool sometimes. Mark Borchardt: They're making a mockery of my words, man. This whole thing is turning out to be a theatrical mockery. You understand that, Mike? Friend/Musician: No, Mark Borchardt: Well, you will. Uncle Bill: It's alright, it's okay, there's something to live for... Jesus told me so! Mark Borchardt: I'm gonna wake up to hell tomorrow, man. Those credit cards ain't gonna look nice, man. But I'm always a man for my word. Mike Schank, you happy? Friend/Musician: Yeah, I'm happy. Mark Borchardt: How happy are you, man? Friend/Musician: I'm very happy. Mark Borchardt: Well good, man, cuz don't drink. You're gonna set the world's record. OK, man. I'm cooled down, but... Hey I'm serious, man. If I missed somebody or anything, man, thanks a million for, uh, for helping out, man. Cuz I... I couldn't of, whatever, done it. Mark Borchardt: Do you think this is a little bit cathartic for you? Friend/Musician: Uh, very cathartic, Mark. Mark Borchardt: Do you know what cathartic means? Friend/Musician: No. Mark Borchardt: Would you buy this movie for $14.95? Friend/Musician: Yeah, hell yeah, man. Mark Borchardt: If I can find 3,000 people like you across this country, man, I'm in business. Friend/Musician: Of course, man, I mean... Shit, that's what "Rush" tickets were. Mark Borchardt: [Reacting to an IRS notice threatening a lien on personal property for delinquent funds due] Luckily it's just $81.00. What are they gonna take, ya know, like my "Night of the Living Dead" book? Joan: He wants to be somewhere where he's not. But then, don't most people want to be somewhere where they're not? Mark Borchardt:
I was called to the bathroom at the cemetery to take care of something. I walked in the bathroom, and in the middle toilet right there... somebody didn't shit in the toilet, somebody shat on the toilet. They shat on the wall, they shat on the floor. I had to clean it up, man, but before that, for about 10 to 15 seconds man, I just stared at somebody's shit, man. To be totally honest with you, man, it was a really, really profound moment. Cuz I was thinkin', "I'm 30 years old, and in about 10 seconds I gotta start cleaning up somebody's shit, man."
Friend/Musician: [pointing to a makeshift crucifix] This is definitely a sign of voodoo. Mark Borchardt: Why is it a sign of voodoo? Friend/Musician: It's an unnatural cross, Mark! Mark Borchardt: What, you think when Jesus was hanging there, he thought it was natural? Mark Borchardt: Last night, man, I was so drunk, I was calling Morocco, man. Trying to get to the Hotel Hilton at Tangiers in Casablanca, man. That's pathetic, man. Is that what you wanna do with your life? Suck down peppermint schnapps and try to call Morocco at 2:00 in the morning? That's senseless. But that's what happens, man. Mark Borchardt: It's pronounced "COE-ven", man. What else could it be pronounced? Actor: "CUH-ven". That's the proper pronunciation. Mark Borchardt: No, no, no. No, no..."CUH-ven" sounds like "oven", man. And that's just... it doesn't work. Mark Borchardt: Now when you go in the grave, and you're just laying there in the casket - the last hurrah, the final goodbye - what are you gonna think about, Bill? Huh? Mark's Uncle: You tell me. Mark Borchardt: [to cast with covered faces] You guys gotta look menacing! Can you be more menacing? Mark Borchardt: And you get your name on the credits as a producer, man. Mark's Uncle: [Deadpan] Yay. Mark Borchardt: No one has ever, ever paid admission to see an excuse.