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Dave:
[shouts] You fucked her!
Eric:
Fucked her? I didn't even know her!
[continued]
Dave:
He's taunting me with his goddamn groceries, man. He's pushing me and pushing me and pushing me. And start thinking, 'What if this guy fucked my girlfried. What if this guy fucked Eileen?'
[pause]
Dave:
You fucked her!
Eric:
Fucked her? I didn't even know her!
Dave:
Eileen Mcdonald.
Eric:
Who?
Dave
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ff4
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:
Eileen McDonald, my fucking girlfriend.
Eric:
Dave, Dave, Dave, I swear, I swear I never touched her.
Dave:
You never touched her, you never touched her?
Eric:
Well maybe I knew her, but I never...
Dave:
You can't even admit, can you, you little fucking bastard?
Eric:
Ok. You want me to say I fucked her? You need me to say I fucked her? OK! I fucked her! I fucked her!
Dave:
I fucking knew it! I should fucking kill you! fuck
Dave's Roomate:
Shut the fuck up!
Dave:
FUCK YOU!
Eric:
Dave, Dave, Dave, you, you guys were broken up!
Dave:
Yeah for one lousy day, we got right back together, you asshole!
Eric:
Yeah, but it wasn't only me.
Dave:
What? Who else fucked her?
Eric:
No. She was there too.
Dave:
You turn your back on me I should fucking kill you!
Dave's Roomate:
Stop crying.
Dave:
Fuck you!
Eric:
You're heavy, but you're light in your shoes. You like pro-wrestling, but you're sensitive. Girls love to talk to you, but you never seem to hook up. One plus one plus one equals: gay!
Eric:
I can't believe it! I can't believe it! My best friend is a homo!
Guy:
What are you talking about?
Eric:
You're heavy, but you're light in your shoes. You like pro wrestling, but you're sensitive. Girls love to talk to you, but you never seem to hook up. One plus one plus one equals... *gay*!
Guy:
What do you mean by that? Is it... is it my hair?
Eric:
No, it's not your hair, is cause you're trying to *fuck* me!
Guy:
What are you talking about? I'm not trying to fuck you. That's just... wrong dude!
Eric:
I mean, I thought we were friends.
Guy:
I'm really tired of getting shoved around by you. You're gonna play by our rules for awhile okay!...is...is that ok?
Eric:
No, it's not fuckin' okay!
Guy:
[to Eric] You skinny little cocksucker!
Eric:
Fuck you! Who are you to go digging through my garbage? What are you, fucking homeless?
Eric:
[after Guy tries to ask a girl out on a date, Eric looks down at Guy's pants and sees his erection] Hey, Look! Chubby's got a chubby!
Eric:
Don't worry, fatty. It's natural.
[Eric smiles, then runs away]
Jed Lopez:
[to his sister during an argument] *Streetwhore!*
Oscar:
I seen the motherfucker.
Eric:
I can't believe it! My best friend is a homo!
Guy:
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29
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Wha... What are you talking about?
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fde
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Eric:
You're heavy, but you're light in your shoes. You like pro wrestling, but you're sensitive. Girls always want to talk to you, but you never seem to hook up. One plus one plus one equals, GAY!
Guy:
What are you talking abou... Is it my hair?
Eric:
No its because you're trying to fuck me!
[repeated line]
Chris:
MEOW!
Guy:
Ow, my shake. You're gonna buy me a new one, right?
Dave's roommate.:
C'mon in, Fuckface is waiting for you.
[They walk inside]
Dave's roommate.:
. Hey, asshole, your friend's here.
Dave:
Where's my cable box?
Dave's roommate.:
Fuck you. Pay me.
Dave:
Drop dead you fucking asshole! Sit the fuck down, sit the fuck down, I wanna tell you a story. You know the express lane?
Eric:
What?
Dave:
Don't be a dick! Then ten fucking items or less express lane at supermarket. Well I am standing on line and I only got two items. And I am waiting behind this guy, this asshole,
Eric:
Let me guess: He was over.
Dave:
No. He had nine items. Y'know, but I am in a rush, so I ask him, very nicely,'Can I go ahead?'.
Eric:
So what'd he say?
Dave:
He said, "Why don't you play in the produce."
Eric:
I take it you didn't handle this very well.
Dave:
No, no I didn't. You know what I told him?
Dave:
Go fuck yourself!
Dave:
Fuck you!
Eric:
No, you told him, 'Go fuck yourself!'
Dave:
No I told him 'drop fucking dead!' So he starts counting, right, and he's counting, he realises he's got nine items, so you know what he does?
Eric:
I am afraid to ask.
Dave:
He grabs a pack of gum!
Eric:
So?
Dave:
That's ten fucking items!
Eric:
So, thats still under.
Dave:
Yeah. But he's staring at me, and I am staring at him and he's getting ready to make his move.
Eric:
Dave, what move?
Dave:
For the eleventh item! He's going for the eleventh item. A pack of three fucking car fresheners!
Eric:
Dave, no offense, but don't you think this sounds a bit extreme?
Dave:
You know the express lane?
Eric:
What?
Dave:
Don't be a dick! The 10 fucking items or less express lane in the supermarket! Well, I'm standing in line, and I only have two items, and I'm waiting behind this guy, this asshole!
Eric:
Let me guess. He was over?
Dave:
No. He had nine items, you know, but I'm in a rush, so I ask him very nicely "Can I go ahead?"
Eric:
So what he say?
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23
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Dave
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d28
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:
He said... he said, "Why don't you go play in the produce."
Eric:
I take it you didn't handle this too well.
Dave:
No. No I didn't. You know what I told him?
Eric:
Go fuck yourself.
Dave:
[shouts] Fuck you!
Eric:
No, you told him, "Go fuck yourself!"
Dave:
No, I told him to drop fucking dead!
Eric:
I can't believe it! My best friend is a homo!
Guy:
Wha... What are you you talking about?
Eric:
You're heavy, but you're light in your shoes. You like pro wrestling, but you're sensitive. Girls always want to talk to you, but you never seem to hook up. One plus one plus one equals, GAY!
Guy:
What are you talking abou... Is it my hair?
Eric:
No its because you're trying to fuck me!
Chris:
I was a popular guy. I had friends, I had power. I was respected. You and me, we were friends. We could talk about anything, and we did. No, no, no, no, no! God! Let me talk! Let me say my piece! I was respected. I was loved. Women adored me. Men too. You had to ruin it! Nothing could have taken away my future. My pride. Except for you! You! You had to do it. You just had to open your big mouth! Remember the time that you told me that you wanted your sister? Did I tell anyone? No. Did I tell the entire school? No. Did I tell his sister? no. But could you do that for me? Could you return that courtesy to me? No, no you couldn't. One stupid little comment, just one and my life is ruined!
Cat:
Meow!
Chris:
Who hasn't looked at their cat and thought just that?
Cat:
Meow!
Chris:
Meow! They looked at me and they said 'meow'. Everywhere I look, Meow! Everybody I saw, MEOW! Hey Victor, MEOW. Meow they said, meow! Meow, meow, meow, meow! Hey Eric, MEOW! Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, fucker! They were meowing me! Everybody was meowing me! All the fucking time! Meow. It was a meowfest and I was the meow! Meow motherfucker! Meow motherfucker! Everywhere!
Misc. People:
Meow! Meow!
[repeated]
Eric:
Meow...
Victor:
[after Chris has left the room] Meow.
Jed Lopez:
You let the most manipulative son-of-a-bitch in the world get the sympathy vote?
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