[Peter discovers Dudley shagging a young woman in his dressing room when he should be getting ready to go on stage] Peter Cook: If you *do* decide to come on stage, Dudley, make sure you take her off your penis first. Dudley Moore:
Is my entire contribution to this show going to consist of my humiliating myself?
Peter Cook: No, Dudley. We'll do that for you. Dudley Moore: Thank you. I wouldn't want to be appreciated or anything. Peter Cook: Well, we initially tried looking up to you, Dudley... but when we did, we invariably found ourselves looking down. Eleanor Bron: Sorry, sir. The club's full. Upper Class Man: But I have an invitation. Do you know who I am? Peter Cook: [to the people in the queue] Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. May I have everyone's attention for a moment? This gentleman doesn't seem to know who he is. If anyone here recognises this man, can you come to the front of the queue and tell him his name. Upper Class Man: Fuck you! Peter Cook: You'll have to queue for that, too, I'm afraid, sir. There's a £5 waiting list. Dudley Moore: Why do you constantly belittle me? Peter Cook: Dudley, I don't think it's possible to belittle a club-footed dwarf whose only talent is to play Chopsticks in the style of Debussy. Wendy Snowden: Everything happens for a purpose. Go with the flow. Peter Cook: I've enjoyed the plughole immensely. I can't wait for the drain. Wendy Snowden: It's really weird that this has happened when it has. I'm pregnant. Dudley Moore: I think that was the U-bend, Pete. Dudley Moore: You have a generous heart. Peter Cook: I do have a generous heart. I have a very generous heart. I recently caught it trying to give my liver to a wino. Dudley Moore: Are you allergic to compassion? Peter Cook: Only in suppository form. [about to give a tribute to Dudley Moore on "This Is Your Life"] Alan Bennett: They wanted a glowing accolade. But I said "No. I'll do an amusing anecdote" - because glowing accolades tend to sound so insincere. Peter Cook: ...Especially when they are. Peter Cook: The BBC want another series. Dudley Moore: Oh good. I'll make it up, you write it down, take all the money, take all the credit, then turn up drunk, and I'll make it all up again. [1978: sketch prompted by the recent death of Pope John Paul I] Peter Cook: Hello, mother. Dudley Moore: [falsetto] Hello, son. Peter Cook: Did you go to the Pope's funeral? Dudley Moore: [falsetto] Yeah, I did. It was lovely. Peter Cook: The way they laid out the Pope was beautiful. Dudley Moore: [falsetto] Oh yes, son. Peter Cook: Looking at that dead Pope gave me the horn.