Jaye: Did you just say "My ass"? Aaron Tyler: [about Jaye] She lives in a trailer park. Clearly she's disturbed. I mean, clearly. Darrin Tyler: Sweetheart, when's the last time you had an orgasm. [silence] Sharon Tyler: That sound you hear is stunned silence. Darrin Tyler: There's nothing to be ashamed of. Millions of people have orgasms every day. Jaye: Not ashamed, mortified. Sharon Tyler: [discussing Jaye] I think we should put her down. Karen: Sharon... Aaron Tyler: It is just like going to sleep. Jaye: [to a stutterer] Bu-bu-bu-buh bye! Jaye: Wait, I can't let you give me your last eight dollars. Here's five back. Wax Lion: Sharon and Poor Bitch sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Poor Bitch with the baby carriage. Jaye: I guess I thought if I could just get my sister laid the little wax lion might just shutup. Eric: The wax lion wanted your sister to have sex? Jaye: I'm assuming. Eric: Does the little wax lion ever tell you to burn things or hurt people? Jaye: I bet he's working up to that... Jaye: [brandishing coat hanger] I know karate! Bianca: [Stuttering] St-St... Jaye: Stalking me? Bianca: St-St... Jaye: Stabbing me? Bianca: St-st... Jaye: Stealing my organs after you stab me? Bianca: St-st... Jaye: Stitching a skin suit out of my dead corpse after you stab me and steal my organs? Karen: Tupperware is not an eating vessel. [after telling a story about Indians to a little boy] Loitering Boy: So what happened to the chief? Jaye: He died. Loitering Boy: Why didn't the princess die? Jaye: Because she was hot. Are you going to buy the tape or not? Loitering Boy: No. Jaye: Then get out. No loitering. Karen: Your sister's not a cold-blooded murderer. She's never been a planner. Katrina: I was wrong. You're not hearing the devil. You are the devil. Jaye: Just so we're clear? Calling a girl the devil in front of the boy she likes? Not the best way to keep a friend. Pink Flamingo: Get off your ass. Katrina: You're horrible. You make up this story about demons talking to you through plastic animals when nothing talks to you just like nothing talks to me. Jaye: I didn't make anything up. Wax Lion: Break the tail light. Jaye: Ha! See? It just talked to me. [Jaye holds up the wax lion] Katrina: Oh for God's sake. Jaye: Maybe! Maybe it is for God's sake! Wax Lion: Break the tail light. Jaye: Except it's telling me to break a tail light. Which is vandalism. Which is the Devil's work. Which is why one little exorcism is not too much to ask. Katrina: Is this fun for you? Torturing a wayward nun? Jaye: Oh, yeah, this is a laugh-riot. This is where I would most like to be - standing in the freezing cold being called a liar by a nun and coerced by a Wax Lion to commit crime. It's so much fun! [Car rolls up and break the tail light of the car in front of it] Jaye: Great. Katrina: What just happened? Jaye: [to wax lion] You little bastard! I can't afford my insurance premiums as it is! Katrina: [stunned] Your car. It broke the tail light! Jaye: I know. But I don't think anyone else saw. So, since you and the Priest aren't gonna help me, the least you can do is not tell anyone. [Jaye gets into the car, slams into one more car and gets out of the parking lot] Jaye: Did you Agnes of God her? Yeah. I bet he Agnes of God-ed all over her! Sharon Tyler: I am a lesbian. The reason I'm not attracted to you is because your genitals are on the outside. Jaye: If you wanna slap him, I'll totally look the other way. Bianca: You have really managed to create a stressless expectation-free zone for yourself. Jaye: Wow. I'm like a genius. Jaye: So, are we almost done? 'Cause surprisingly, I'm getting tired of talking about myself. Bianca: You've shown me a new way. I can live in a pressureless, expectation-free zone. Jaye: That's my zone! You're parked in my zone! Bianca: And it's the only place I'll ever be able to breathe. Jaye:
You didn't stutter at all when you were gettin' me to sing, you planned this! You suck!
Bianca: You suck! Bianca, Jaye: [together] You suck! Bianca: Whatever! Jaye: Whatever! Bianca, Jaye: [together] Whatever! Jaye: [about Bianca] She's an investigative journalist! Karen: Oh, marvelous! Who do you write for? Aaron Tyler: What's she investigating? Jaye: Me! She's investigating me! Sharon Tyler: Is it a criminal investigation? Jaye: She's writing an article about my life, so the whole world can see what a loser I'm not! FIVE THOUSAND WORDS ABOUT ME! Jaye: The prose probably aren't as lovely and crisp, but I finally figured out my fifteen words... hope it's okay: "Daughter Jaye lives in Niagara Falls. Her blurb and life are a work in progress." Girl: You're not suppose to steal. Jaye: You're not suppose to talk to strangers. Piss off. Mahandra: [reversing her decision to miss her reunion] I'm going. Jaye: What? Mahandra: I'll go to your little shindig. Jaye: You will? Great! Okay, here's the list Gretchen gave me ... Mahandra: [interrupting, angrily] Oh, no. I've got my *own* list of things to do, and at the top of it? Destroy Gretchen Speck. You may be the universe's butt-puppet, but I'm its right-hand fist of fate. And tonight... accounts are comin' due. Mahandra: [off of Jaye's sudden kindness] Have you been huffing puff paint? Because this just isn't like you. Jaye: What do you mean, "like me"? There is no "like me". I'm not "like anything" and if I were, it certainly wouldn't be me. Mahandra: Why are you doing this? Jaye: [resigned] I don't have a choice; I'm a puppet. The universe just sticks its hand up my butt, and if I don't dance, people get hurt! Jaye: So, how long have you been using the Republican Party as a lesbian dating service? [reading Peter's love letter to her] Katya: I etched your name in the clouds but it was lost when the thunder cried. / I etched your name in the surf but it was stolen by the rising tide. / I etched your name in my heart and there it will forever reside. Penelope: The birds are traumatized. And now they have nobody to talk to. Jaye: Those birds talk? Penelope: They talk to me. Jaye: [nods] Penelope: You wouldn't understand. Jaye:
[whispers to herself]