Grace Polk: It's the one advantage to being universally despised: you get to say whatever you want. God: Let me explain something to you Joan. It goes like this: I don't look like this. I don't look like anything you'd recognize. You can't see me. I don't sound like this. I don't sound like anything you'd recognize. You see, I'm beyond your experience. I take this form because you're comfortable with it, it makes sense to you. And if I'm "snippy" it's because you understand snippy. Do ya get it? Joan: Sort of. God: Good, cause I'm really not snippy. I've got a great personality. You'd like me. Adam: Headline: Adam Rove meets the chief of police. Adam: Well, nice work Jane. [He leaves, Helen looks at Joan] Joan: He calls me Jane sometimes when he forgets that my name is Joan. Joan: So, my true nature is to be a catalyst? That is mad anti-climatic. God: Anti climactic. Anti-climatic means you're against the weather. Adam: I talk to angels. Luke: No one ever listens to me, and yet I talk. Joan: Oh is that the three-year-old kid who got kidnapped? Will: Missing. Joan: Ok, Got Missing. I read it in the Newspaper. It said you guys have no leads and its been like six weeks. Will: Four Days, We have leads, and when did you start reading the paper? Grace: You smell that? Its like essence of pimp. God: Oh Joan, it would have been so much easier if you just read the book. Now I'm gonna have to send you to the basement. Joan: You mean like, Hell? God: No, I mean, like, the basement. There's one in the school. Check it out. Joan: Look Grace, I'm really sorry. Grace: Yeah, the taking of the sandwich is a symbolic act designed to avoid direct confrontation. Don't worry. Joan: Adam will believe me. God: Yes... but you don't know Adam that well yet. For example, you don't know how many burdens the boy is already carrying. And I'd like you to consider the possibility that it is you who should take on some of his burdens, not vice versa. Joan: Adam has burdens? God: Sometimes they look a lot like gifts. Adam:
2d
He just wants to make fun of my stuff.
fb0
Joan: No, he seems sincere. Adam: Rockin' insight, Jane. [Adam walks off in a huff. Obviously upset] Joan: Did I just miss something? Grace: Uh, Clay Fisher just flirted with you. Adam Rove is all about you. Dramatic tension ensued. Were you born without a radar? Luke: Wow, the classic geek misdirect. Gee, I'd like to hang out with you, but let's pretend to study. Joan, Grace: We're not hanging out. Grace: Uh, I think I got better things to do than watch a bunch of cheerleaders flash their panties at brain-dead jocks. Joan: Yeah, and, um, me, too. I have a big party I have to go to, so... Adam: I would go if Jane was going, but... Joan: Well I can't do any stunts. No, No, and how about the jumps? So, so. So why am I here, well it's really odd, but I'm here to cheer on a mission from God. So put me in the game or leave me on the bench, so you can go to heaven and I'll get out of French. Adam: Oh, Jane, glad I caught you here. This is for good luck. [Adam gives her a piece of art that looks like a cheerleader... Well, sort of] Joan: Adam... Well, thank you, but I already tried out. Adam: I missed it? No way, man. Joan: Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's ok... Sorry, But thanks for the... Adam: It's a cheerleader. You know, it's got the little hairy things. Joan: Pompoms? Cool. Adam: I can't believe I missed it, though. How'd it go? Joan: Uh... well, ha ha. I can definitely say I'm not going to be a cheerleader. Adam: Why not? They didn't like you? Joan: Wow... I always thought you'd hate me if I was a cheerleader. Adam: No way. Why? Joan: 'Cause we're sub-defectives, and that would be like deserting the army or something. Adam: Oh. No, I don't care if you're a cheerleader or sub-defective or whatever. I just like hanging out with you 'cause you're Jane. Joan: Joan. God: [when Joan refuses to talk to Him or even believe that He's real] Don't you miss me, just a little? Joan: [lying] No. God: Don't you miss yourself? God: [about a book] Have you read this? Joan: You stole that! God: Well, technically everything belongs to me. Joan: You are not real! God: So people keep telling me. Joan: I'm ignoring you! God: I'm used to it. God:
57
[after Joan refuses to talk to Him or even believe that He's real]
ffb
Don't you miss me, just a little? Joan: [lying] No. God: Don't you miss yourself? God: I'm not appearing to you. You are seeing me. Friedman: You got to forget about Grace, dude. Luke: But I get these feelings. I know it's a biological reaction ... Friedman: We're not talking biology here. We're talking psychology. You're always throwing yourself against the one gate that's locked. And why? Because you're afraid of going through the gate and enjoying the pleasures of the garden ... Luke: Hey, hey, I'm not afraid of going through the gate. Friedman: Then why are you always walking right past the one gate that's wide open? And don't tell me you don't know who I'm talking about. Luke: Glynis? Friedman: She's wacky for you, dude. When I took her to the dance, all she talked about was you. Extremely annoying, but, uh... it's because I was wearing cologne and everything. Luke: I can't just transfer my feelings from one person to another. Friedman: Of course you can. It's built into our DNA. Did you see the look Glynis gave you in Chem today? That's a look you usually have to download. Luke: Okay... I appreciate the rather base concern, but I can take care of my own love life. Friedman: Right... in the shower. [Luke, Grace, Friedman and Glynis are looking through one of the Girardis' photo albums] Friedman: Oh, man. Here's Luke in a little Dalmatian outfit. Glynis Figliola: Oh! Look at his little ears! Luke: It was Hallowe'en. I was 3! Put that away ... [he tries to take the album off Friedman but he fights back] Grace Polk: Hey, let me see. Glynis Figliola: The colour palette suits you. Friedman: Dude, your sister's, like, naked. Luke: She's a baby! [Friedman is looking at photos of Joan as a baby] Friedman: Look at the legs on her. Grace Polk: Are those my baby pictures? Grace Polk: Impressive use of fat. Joan: This is a nightmare! God: Are you looking for me? Joan: Um, I'm not sure. God: Cause when you're alone, that hideous Titanic song makes you cry. Joan: Why do you have to be so mean? God: Why do you have to keep questioning me? Most people would be on their best behavior. Joan: Okay, look whatever. I was thinking about what you said when I asked you to cure Kevin. How it would show favoritism and that I'm an instrument of God. Then I realized, you want me to become a scientist, so I can discover a cure for Kevin. God: Newsflash Joan, you don't need to let me in on your thinking process, I'm omniscient. Adam<
fb6
/b>: Maybe I'm bad at stuff like this... but we kissed. It's not like I've kissed a lot of girls. Maybe I've only kissed one. Joan Girardi: Right. Adam: Well maybe it meant something to me. Joan Girardi: Maybe it meant something to me, too. Adam: I don't... I don't know what to do with it now. Joan Girardi: [chuckles] Me neither. Adam: Maybe it's like that anti-drug guy said, you know? Romantic love is like a mental illness. It just happens and then what are you gonna do? Joan Girardi: Maybe we're just not ready. Adam: Okay. I accept that. Were you ready for that other guy? [Referencing God, whom Joan was dancing with at the party] Joan Girardi: That's different. [after a long pause] Joan Girardi: Hey, wanna dance? God: Just because I speak doesn't mean that anyone will listen. God: Stop underachieving. Stop squandering the potential I gave you. Have some pride. Joan: What about humility? God: Humility isn't actually humility unless there's something you're good enough at to be humble about. [Kevin is in the hospital] Kevin: [yelling to someone leaving] Hey, I am not afraid to have sex. I've got moves you've never even heard of. There's a list of girls a mile long who have no complaints about Kevin Girardi between the sheets! [He looks back and sees his family in the doorway] Kevin: I'm on painkillers... [Joan calls her mom when she realizes the package is COD] God: Uh huh. You've got twelve dollars in your pocket you were gonna to use to buy a frappucino and a muffin when you skip history class after lunch. Which by the way, do not do that. Joan: Were you being snippy to me? [lets out a breath] Joan: God is snippy. God: If I seem snippy to you, it's because you understand snippy. [the previous night God had appeared on TV and Joan's father turned off the TV] God: Hey kid, it's me. You need proof? Fine. Sometimes you like to practice french kissing yourself in the mirror. Joan: Why do you have to be so mean? Look, that was my Dad who turned you off last night, so if there's some kind of penalty, then I think... God: Fine. He shall spend all of eternity burning in hell. Joan: No, no, no, no, my dad's a really great guy. God: I'm kidding. There's no penalty for turning me off. Hey, just because I speak doesn't mean anyone has to listen. Luke: Look, Grace kissed me ONCE as a political statement. I don't expect it to happen again. God: How about you believe me if I agree to overlook that promise you didn't keep? Joan: What promise? God:
8c
Let's see. That you'd study hard, stop talking back, clean your room, and even go to church, if I recall, if I let your brother live.
ffb
Joan: [long pause] How did you know about that? God: Omniscience. Look it up. Joan: So, you let my brother live, and now you're here to... collect? God: No. I don't bargain. That would be cruel. Adam Rove: You're promoting intimacy. Joan Girardi: They're my parents. Adam Rove: Well, what about us? Joan Girardi: What about us? Adam Rove: What about us? Joan Girardi: What *about* us? Adam Girardi: What about... Joan Girardi: Is it just me or is this going nowhere? [Joan is talking to God in the hallway of her school. God appears as an older woman selling cupcakes] Joan: So what do you want me to fail at this time? God: Now what makes you think you failed? You did exactly what I asked you to do - you observed. Joan: Hmm! And what good did that do anybody? Ramsey's going to jail, Adam hates me even more... God: Observation is a more powerful force than you could possibly reckon. The invisible, the overlooked, and the unobserved are the most in danger of reaching the end of the spectrum. They lose the last of their light. From there, anything can happen. Joah: [sighs] Okay. Fine, I observe Ramsey, his life is still ruined. God: His life wasn't the only one at stake. Joan: What do you mean? God: [Starts pointing out different students in the hallway] There's Laura Eason, ninth grader. She plays the flute. She would have been one of the first to go, [gunshot sound] God: coming out of Orchestra at the wrong time. And Andrew Bayer - he would have tried to save his friend Lawrence DiStasi and lost his life [two gunshots] God: . And Gavin Price [gunshot] God: , and three other students in the cafeteria. And Mr. Harvey. And Ms. Schmidt in the library. And finally, Steve Ramsey himself. And for each of these faces Joan, there are twelve more whose lives would have come to an end today - lives altered forever by you. By the simple effect of being present, by entering the light, by joining the dance. [Joan wipes away a tear] Grace: [to Joan] Do you have multiple personality disorder? Is that what this is? Pizza Delivery God: What, no tip? I got it here under thirty minutes. Joan: Like that's hard for you. [she closes the door on him] Grace: Rove is against physical violence, but I overrode him. Adam: Yeah, I guess it's like the UN. You're vote counts for more. Luke: Hey, guess what? Copernicus called, said the world doesn't revolve around you. Joan: What a coincidence because the dork police called and said they want their leader back. Kevin: It's official, I don't miss high school anymore. Exchange Student God: Repeating myself is part of the job. "Vengeance is mine..." sayeth me. <
fde
hr width="30%"> Will: [looking at an art piece] It's a triangle attacking a circle? Well, maybe the circle's rude. Joan: [to Mascot God] Bite me, big bird. Joan: You didn't answer my question. Concession Stand God: I don't answer questions, sweetpea. And this you know. Joan: But I gave you a dollar! Joan: [being wanded] What? I didn't set off any alarm! So unless you want to sentence me to death for possession of Gummi Bears, I would like to go to class. Security Guy God: You seem very upset, Joan. Take a breath. Joan: Fascist God? Joan: You don't think she is right, do you? Adam: I usually don't listen to what's going on unless I hear my name. Grace: [Referring to Adam] I've know the dude since preschool. He's stupid about you. Liquor Store Clerk God: Joan, you did invite Adam? Joan: Sure. Liquor Store Clerk God: And he realizes you're inviting him? Joan: As in a date? Liquor Store Clerk God: Figure it out. Luke: I'm sorry, he's approving your guest list? Joan: God smokes? Liquor Store Clerk God: I don't inhale. Grace: [to Joan] Before his mother died, Rove was different. He was funny and... aware of his surroundings. Luke: Look, I've really enjoyed our collaboration. I... I feel our intellects and approaches really compliment each other, and I was, you know, hoping you felt the same way. Grace: [sarcastically] Stop, stop, you're embarrassing me with your dirty talk. Joan: [to Grace] You didn't tell him, did you? Grace: I don't need to. You asked Steve Ramesy to the semi-formal. That's like a CNN headline. Friedman: Why are you talking so fast? Luke: [caffeine buzzed] Why are you listening so fast? [Rebecca Askew, a reporter at the newspaper where Kevin works, has written an unfavourable article about Will] Rebecca Askew: How was breakfast this morning? Kevin: Tasty. Rebecca Askew: I meant with your father. Kevin: Testy. Luke: [to Friedman; caffeine buzzed] And you should hear what I'm not telling you, OK, so shut up! Joan: When... when do you plan on having sex?
23
Luke
fe6
: Oh, at my first opportunity. Joan: What are you? Some kind of Peeping Tom? Luke: It's not my fault I have a... naturally quiet tread. Joan: Does my hair look funny? Grace Polk: Your hair always looks funny. [laughs] Grace Polk: Sometimes it just pops into my head and I just laugh. Kevin: And then I woke up in the hospital, I saw Dad's face, and I wondered..."Why does Mom think this man is so good-looking?" Friedman: I'll rule Trig the way Britney rules Justin. Friedman: [to Luke] Dude, your sister's, like, *hot*. Grace Polk: Dude, you're, like, an ass. Luke: Are you out of your mind? Friedman: What? Luke: This totally hot girl is doing everything but immolating herself for you. Friedman, the odds of that happening again can only be calculated by a mainframe. Friedman: Hey, she's not my type. Luke: You don't have a type. You have magazines. Look, you're freaking because you're so used to being the guy that goes chasing after the girl. You can't handle it being the other way around. You think she's either setting you up or there's something wrong with her. Friedman: Thank you, Dr. Freud. Luke: Please, please just consider the other possible explanation for her interest. Friedman: What? Luke: Dude, don't - don't make me go there. Friedman: What? What? Luke: You're in junior mensa. Think. Friedman: I got nothin'. Luke: You're - [whispering] Luke: you're a great guy. You have a lot more going on than people think. You're sensitive and caring and some might say appealing. Friedman: Huh? Luke: [loudly] Appealing, dude! You're very appealing! [everyone in the hall stops to look at them] Luke: [trying to sound manly] So, dude, let's go shoot some hoops. [he punches Friedman's shoulder] Friedman: What? [Friedman punches Luke's shoulder] Luke: Hoops, dude! That's it. Let's go. Principal: And what career would you like to explore Mr Rove? Adam: I wanna do something soulless and corporate, Mr. Price. Principal: Good choice. Helen: [talking on the phone] Number one... Andrea, work on your mother's voice before you try that out on me, and two: don't use a disease you can only get on a pirate ship.
23
Joan
ffb
: You think they [the cheerleaders] Joan: know? Luke: What? That Mom turned in their alpha dog? Probably. Joan: They're going to eat me alive. Joan: Great, so ask Isaac Newton to the prom. Luke: Sure, if he was a girl... and alive. Homeless Man God: Be not afraid, Joan. Joan: Be not afraid? What's with that? Homeless Man God: Sometimes I like to sound old timey. Grace: [to Luke, about Joan] Is she a pod person now? Helen: There'd be a list of "bad girls' circulating around the school! Will: We'd never have let that out. Helen: The CIA couldn't keep a list like that from getting out in a high school! Friedman: Use the force, Luke. Luke: Gee. That's... that's a new one. Mr. Price: [walking Adam out of his office] First thing every morning you report to me, got it. Adam: Uh huh. Mr. Price: I may not be able to stop you from getting high away from school, but you are mine between 8 in the morning and 5 in the afternoon. Adam: Ok, Mr. Price. Mr. Price: If I even suspect that you are under the influence of drugs what will happen? Adam: You'll urine test me. Mr. Price: For your own good. Adam: And call the cops. Mr. Price: Uh huh. Adam: Ruin my life. Mr. Price: All for your own good. Kevin: Joan! Can I borrow your hairdryer so I can look extra handsome for my job interview at weiner world? Joan: [to Grace] My dad's Italian. To him, a sandwich is like an opera. Luke: [about the one nice thing he did that day] I didn't laugh when Joan was introduced to my AP chem class. Little Girl God: You'd like to give me a slap, wouldn't you? Joan: Yeah... but you're so cute. Little Girl God: By the way, as an instrument of Me, have some pride. Do better. Do your best. Joan: Now I'd like to slap you. [Joan, Adam, and Grace are studying] Joan: What should we do first? Grace: Ask your brother for the answers. Joan: To be humble you have to be proud. Adam: Wait, arent those opposites? Grace: Ah, ask him ask him. [Luke just walked in] Joan: No, no lets just break it down ok. Is there a chemical formula for twigs? Adam: Uh [from the top of is head]
fe9
Adam: Cellulose is c6h12o6 [Joan drops her pencil in shock] Adam: Uh, I have an eidetic memory. Joan: Whats that? Luke: Photographic. Grace: [talking about Adam] He can barely remember his name. Adam: Listen, I know a lot, I just cant put it all together. Joan: Ok, what about a chemical equation for fire? Grace: Wood doesnt actually burn. Joan: Thats insane. Grace: What burns is the gas released when the wood gets hot. Therefore the reaction would have to be gasification, through oxidation reduction, then combustion. Luke: It is so hot that you know that. Adam: [to Grace] Dude, are you smart? Grace: Just because I refute the whole formal schooling equals knowledge crap doesnt mean Im stupid. Adam: Nice. Joan: Ok, so what about gas. [Joan looks at Adam] Adam: Cha, like I know. Grace: And Rainman back to underpants. Joan: God. Electrician God: Yes? Joan: No, I was taking your name in vain, to be technical. Sorry. Joan: Let's see a miracle. Cute Boy God: How about that? Joan: It's a tree. Cute Boy God: Let's see you make one. Joan: So you're a science geek, right? Luke: I prefer "man of science'. Joan: [to Adam] Does this mean you're talking to me again? Adam: Explain the situation, Grace. Grace: I told him I'd feed him his hat if he didn't help. Joan: Wait, what is this about? Grace: Retribution, the oldest profession. Joan: I thought that was farming. Adam: [to Joan] Are you talking about the panty shot? [notices Grace and Iris glaring] Adam: I deleted it, like, immediately! Helen: Ok Luke, what was your involvement? Luke: I hit a button... it was scientifically unsound... Joan: Don't you have any friends that you could walk to school with? Luke: Don't worry they'll think I'm cool stylin with my big sister. Oh wait you're worried that one of your friends will see us together... Oh, wait a minute, you don't have any friends. Joan: And ironically you're still cramping my style.
23
Joan
fef
: Are you there God? It's me Joan... and you suck! Adam: Iris is a good person... Joan: I know!... It... eck hem... It's just that her voice, it drives me crazy... Adam: Its her real voice... It drives me crazy too... Joan: But you love her. Adam: I... I like her a lot. Joan: And you want me to like her too... Adam: No... But I want you to like me Joan: Adam... I don't just like you... Adam: Yeah... yeah me too... Good night Jane. God: Good is relative. Beauty's relative. Everything's relative. Except for me. I'm absolute. Joan: I thought that was vodka. Grace Polk: Hey, Geek. Luke: Ah, Grace. I was afraid your father wouldn't give you the message. Grace Polk: Yeah. Thanks for leaving a message with my father *the Rabbi* saying you want to spend the night with me building a *gun*. Luke: Not here to spy. I'm not even in the science fair anymore. Friedman: Why not? Luke: FBI confiscated my project. [Friedman laughs] Luke: I'm not joking. Glynis Figliola: I always knew you had what it takes to contravene national security. Friedman: [after witnessing Grace Polk plant a passionate kiss on Joan's brother Luke at the Crystal Ball formal dance] Did he just convert her from Mac to PC? Helen: [reading Adam's mom's suicide note] Dearest boy, my Adam. I dreamed a dream, you and I facing each other in a tiny yellow boat on green water under a blue sky. Me and my son and a yellow boat. And we laugh, and the boat rocks and the ripples spread from the boat to pond to sea to sky and nothing can stop them, and nothing ever will. When you think of me Adam, know that in a world of pain, you were, and always will be my joy. Love mom Adam: Thank you... Joan: The ripples were good. Grace Polk: I'll see you later. I'm going to go... run with scissors. Joan Girardi: Judith doesn't know that many people here. She was just acting out. Grace: Acting out is getting your nose pierced. Nearly dying in a pool of your own vomit goes a little deeper than that. Joan Girardi: This is a new look for you. Loner Loser Kid God: Yeah... the jeans are really comfy. Grace: I'll catch you later. Grace: I'm going to go run with scissors. Joan: And this is supposed to inspire me? Joan:
34
The Charlie Brown Christmas tree of metaphors?
feb
Joan: I just want to be who I am and not who everyone else wants me to be! Joan: You remember normal? Adam: Not really! Grace: Do you make a special effort not to speak in science metaphors? Joan: I thought we were going with monotheism. Twin-Girl God: I'm impressed you know what that is. Joan: Why are you torturing me, And don't say I'm torturing myself. Twin-Girl God: Sometimes it's hard to believe what you see, so you have to trust the world behind your eyes, Joan: There's a world behind my eyes? Great, because this one isn't enough trouble. Twin-Girl God: People manage to believe in me, even though they have no idea what I am, they trust me even in the silence. Joan: OK. Can you take care of the rash and the barfing? Save the haiku for another time. [Twin-Girls combine into one] Joan: Very matrix. Twin-Girl God: Go to the doctor, you're sick. Adam: [after Joan fails her physics test] Physics is hard. Joan: "Physics is hard"? That's like the intellectual version of "you're not fat". Female Custodian God: Hi there, Joan. Joan: Oh, God... Female Custodian God: The one and only. Luke: Joan, I already claimed the last pop tart! Joan Girardi: Not unless you put your name on it, freakazoid! Luke: Look... L-U-K-E clearly displayed in red permanent marker. Joan: I'm not... pregnant. Luke: Then why was there a pregnancy kit in the bathroom? Because *I'm* not pregnant and I'm pretty sure Kevin's not pregnant, which leaves... Joan: Mom. Luke: Okay, I'm an expert on probability, and given factors such as Mom's and Dad's ages, birth control, and the average frequency of sex after twenty-three... Joan: [covering ears] Ewwwww! Joan: What are you wearing? Grace Polk: [sighing] A dress. Joan: You're... wearing... a dress? Grace Polk: Oh, nice smirk. Joan: I wasn't smirking! I was... I... had to sneeze. Adam: Jane! Joan: Go away, Adam. Adam: How did you know it was me? Joan: You're the only one who calls me "Jane".
23
Joan
ffb
: Power to the pimple! Helen Girardi: ...our jobs as artists is to press on, continue creating, 'cause that's who we are - even if some critic does squash you like a bug, that's who we are. Will: All we can do is provide a safe environment for our kids to fail and be miserable.