Eddie: Hey I'm Eddie. How d'you like me so far? [About Morris the stalker of the German opera singer] Eddie: He left one day, gave the landlord his personal belongings with the instructions to do whatever he wants with them - which upsets me because it doesn't sound to me like he's got a plan b. Pippin: I love it. I bloody love opera. Morris: Hello my American friend. Eddie: Let me make myself perfectly clear: If you touch a hair on her head I will hunt you down in this life and in the next. Morris: I feel for you. Time is running out and you're frustrated. Eddie: No you're frustrated, Morris. I'm jammin' all your frequencies and I'm all over you. Eddie: I wanna read this opera - the entire thing. In English. [Eddie to Fiona] Eddie: So they finally fired ya? What'd they do catch ya stealin', lip gloss? [Eddie to Fiona] Eddie: So you whored my dog to a dog food company? Wilson: Wanker. Eddie: Brat. Wilson: Wanker. Fiona: Your dog is using my cat as a shag toy. Eddie: The dog's name is Pete. If he tries to mount you in the middle of the night, say "no" sternly, but don't look him in the eye. [Eddie is watching Pete pursue Duchess through the keyhole] Eddie: No, Pete. Bad. Bad dog. Fiona: Well? Eddie: Well, unless Duchess knows how to do the wheelbarrow, you don't want to know. [Eddie to Fiona] Eddie: Ya know what I like best about Nigel? His personality. Eddie: You know what I like about you? Fiona: What? Eddie: Nothing. Eddie: By the way, Milli called. She said you're okay for tonight. [to Mitchell] Eddie: Sounds pretty serious, doesn't it? Fiona: Mitchell, ignore what you're hearing. Milli's a *friend* from work. Eddie: You know, you should bring her by a little more often - we kinda had a "vibe" going, me and her. Fiona: She thinks you're crass. Eddie:
Ah, then again she is gay - I mean, it's biological. What can you do about it? And you guys make such a great couple, i wouldn't want to break that up. Oh, my God, look at the time.
Eddie: Let me give you a translation from the Eddie dictionary. When someone says to me "play ball," that means "we're a bunch of weasels. Come join us in our weaselness. Be a weasel too. Nobody's looking." I've been called a lot of things but a play ball kinda guy is not one of them. Eddie: Why can't you just say "good morning?" Fiona: Why can't you just say "I've found my own flat." Five simple words to brighten up a rainy day. It's not hard. I've. Found. My. Own. Flat. Eddie: Really? When are you moving out? Mitchell Friedman: So, are you a couple? Eddie: Who, me and her? Nah, she's gay. Fiona: Very funny. Eddie: It'd be funny 10 years ago but today it's a totally acceptable lifestyle. Eddie: Oh, yeah. Pete and your fur coat - they're like a couple now. Fiona: Aha. And are they..."mating?" Eddie: I think it's safe to say they're past 3rd base. Pippin: You have to be careful though, mate. I can't handle these intense inter-personal things like that, you know? I'm English. I need to try and keep it down, keep it locked, inside, like we do. I mean, how else are you going to develop cancer? Eddie: [to Fiona] Why don't you do something really funny? You know, like push a handicapped kid down the stairs in his wheelchair? Fiona: Get out. Eddie: Out of the kitchen? Fiona: Out of the kitchen, out of the flat, out of London, out of the world. It's full. Get out. Eddie: I can't get out of the world. I didn't pull the kind of math grades you need to qualify for the space program. Pippin: What? Eddie: Nothin'. I'm just trying to picture you with an acceptable personality. Pippin: Yeah, I'm going to be amazing if can use my powers for good instead of evil. Eddie: You'd need a cape. Eddie: What's in the soup? Fiona: Wouldn't you like to know. Eddie: Yes, I would so I could seek the proper medical attention. Fiona: Well we're in trouble then aren't we? Eddie: We certainly are, especially if you think that top goes with those pants. Eddie: Good morning. Fiona: Oh, is it? Has your visa expired? Eddie: What's wrong with the old toaster? Fiona: It didn't make me happy. Fiona: Hello? Eddie: Hi, remember me? Fiona: No, I don't think I could forget you Eddie, even with therapy. Eddie: God, I like you so much better with some distance between us. Fiona: Well then back up just a few more steps. Keep going until you hit America. Look whatd'you want - your sourness is ruining my sauce. Eddie: Listen, I forgot my razor. I was wondering if you could put it in a bag and leave it on the porch. I already sent somebody over to pick it up. Fiona: I can't touch you razor, I haven't had the proper shots. Besides doesn't you and your girlfriend like the rough look? Eddie: What're you talking about? Fiona: You should pick up a newspaper from time to time. Your razor awaits. [Asking about Superintendent Johnson] Eddie Arlette: Is he gay? Monty Pippin: No, just going places. Carol Ross: Excuse me, sir, but the gentleman out here... Eddie: ...who is of no importance whatsoever, Miss Hornypenny... uh... Moneypenny. Pippin: [on recent casino robbery suspects] Duran Duran. Eddie: That explains what they've been up to since the 80's. Kevin: I know you're here. Cecil Barrett: [from bathroom] Good, you wanker. Kevin: [nervous, aims his shotgun] I've got a gun. Cecil Barrett: [from bathroom] Really? Good. I can't wait to stick it where the sun doesn't shine. Morris: Are you still there, Eddie? Eddie: Yeah. Morris: Shouldn't you be here? Eddie: Yeah.