Duff: We should make up some fake names. John: Why? Duff: Just in case we have to communicate while we're inside. John: OK. Duff: I wanna be Kyle. I knew this guy at camp. He was maybe 13. He got *two* girls pregnant, man. *Two* girls pregnant. Yea, Kyle. Who you gonna be? John: Steve... Duff: Steve. John: Yeah. Duff: OK, Steve. John: OK, Kyle. [John and Duff continue walking] Duff: Wait. John: What? Duff: I wanna change. I wanna be Steve. John: I'm Steve; You're Karl. Duff: Kyle! John's Grandmother: Who do you think I am, Albert fuckin' Trump? John: [coming out of his house] Why didn't you just ring the door bell? Duff: [whispering] I didn't wanna wake Elaine. Duff: See those dead plants? I planted those. Detective Charles: I urge you to drop it. Duff: I wanted to scope the place out. I was hungry so I decided to heat up a brick of cheese. I need my cheese. Duff: Maybe we can use slingshots to rob the place. John: A slingshot is not a real weapon, Duff. Duff: Oh, yeah? Well maybe you'd like to define the word "weapon' for me while this plastic doll smashes into your temple at 180 miles per hour. Elaine: [whispers] He's an asshole. Duff: Mmm... casserole. Elaine: I said asshole. Duff: I heard casserole! Duff: I'm not goin' in. John: What? Duff: Someone has to watch in case he comes home. John: I thought you said he was going to be out all night.
: He *will* be out all night. John: Then why do we need a look-out? Duff: We don't. Just go in. John: You go in. Duff: Look, I'm not the one that needs the money. Why should I assume the risk? John: What risk? Duff: There is no risk. [John shows his mad face and shakes his head] Duff: Just go! Duff: We're going skiing. David Loach: Why is anybody talking? [after Duff has been humped by a dog] Duff: It's a good thing your here officers, because a crime has just been committed. Duff: I'm not liquid... I'm not... liquid. Mr. Warner: This guy is a lump. Duff: All right American beef cattle, just stay calm, and you'll all get to go home to your precious TV dinners! Duff: Elaine... I like her. I like her a lot, John. But she's a bitch! She's a dirty, dumb bitch. John: Dave! John Plummer. Remember? You used to call me "asshole"? David Loach: I call everybody "asshole." John: Yes, but I believe I was the first. We were five, maybe six at the time? David Loach: Congratulations, asshole. Now get to the point. Mr. Warner: Have you slept with my daughter? John: Mr. Warner, I have never slept with Elaine. Mr. Warner: Good! Godammit, that's good! Because if you had, John, I was gonna kick your balls up into your head and let them rattle around in your skull like dice in a Yahtzee cup. Have a good one! Mr. Warner: I'm gonna give you a few seconds of immunity here. Now, if you have slept with her, you tell me here, you tell me now, and we'll let it go... have you slept with my daughter? John: Mr. Warner... I have never slept with Elaine Mr. Warner: Good! Goddammit that's good! Because if you had John, I was gonna kick your balls up into your head and let 'em rattle around in your skull like dice in a Yahtzi cup. Have a good one! John: Elaine never liked my sister Patty. Maybe it was because Patty was a free spirit. I say free spirit because I'm uncomfortable calling my own sister... sexually indescriminate trailer trash. Duff: The branch! Swing from the branch Rickey! Detective Charles:
I turned 40 last week. Do you know what I did? I got my colon scoped by Dr. Spencer. Do you know what he told me? He said "Detective Charles, you have one of the cleanest rectums I've ever seen." and do you know why? During my quiet time here at work I use a toothbrush that I have here in my desk to get to the really hard to find spots... just for a really good scrubbin'... you guys think you're so smart don't you?