Sharona Fleming: Adrian, can I ask you something? And if it's none of my business, I promise I'll shut up. Adrian Monk: I doubt it. Sharona Fleming: So you remember how many empty boxes you saw? Adrian Monk: It's a blessing, and a curse. [repeated line] Adrian Monk: It's a gift... and a curse. Adrian Monk: I tried doing that once, making every minute count. It gave me a headache. Sharona Fleming: What doesn't? Sharona Fleming: Ow. Why do I always have to be the victim? Adrian Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in the dirt. And... I'm me. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Shoot him. Disher: I can't do that, sir. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Then shoot me. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Does everything have to make sense, Monk? Adrian Monk: It kinda does. Adrian Monk: How tall are you? Capt. Stottlemeyer: Six foot. Adrian Monk: Really. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Five-eleven. [repeated line] Adrian Monk: Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not... Adrian Monk: That officer out there told me I was dead. I'm not dead, am I? Sharona Fleming: How was the dating? Adrian Monk: It was hell. Thank God I'm not single. Sharona Fleming: But you are single. Adrian Monk: Oh yeah. Adrian Monk: Speed dating? No, no, that's like Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell. Sharona Fleming: Oh, my God. It's Tim Daly. Adrian Monk: Who's Tim Daly? Sharona Fleming: He's an actor - he was in "Wings." Adrian Monk: Was it any good? Sharona Fleming: Well, *he* was. Noelle Winters: Is your wife here? Adrian Monk: I'm not married.
: You're wearing a ring. Adrian Monk: She passed away. I can't bring myself to take it off yet. Noelle Winters: Oh, I'm sorry. When did she die? Adrian Monk: Six years ago. Capt. Stottlemeyer: [due to a loose snake, Monk is standing on the kitchen table of a house he and Captain Leland Stottlemeyer are investigating] Capt. Stottlemeyer: I thought you were afraid of heights. Adrian Monk: Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators. Capt. Stottlemeyer: Monk can't help you because well... he's... he's Monk and he's lost in Monkland. Sharona Fleming: Oh my god, Adrian do you know what Kenny Just did? He took care of all my Parking tickets. Adrian Monk: He's like Superman. Director's Assistant: [astounded] You memorized the play in one viewing? Adrian Monk: I'm really sorry. Adrian Monk: [police officers are investigating his home] If something spills, I want to be here. Sharona Fleming: Adrian, trust me... if something spills, you do not want to be here. Adrian Monk: That's a good point... Heavyset Cop: Where's your bathroom? Adrian Monk: [closes bathroom door] I don't have one [repeated line] Adrian Monk: You'll thank me later. [Nestor and Jose Alvarez are delivering newspapers. Nestor is killed] Jose Alvarez: Nestor! Why? For a newspaper? Adrian Monk: [after accidentally wiping his hands with a cloth covered in oil] Sharona, I really need a wipe. Hurry! Oh, the humanity! [repeated line] Adrian Monk: Wipe. Adrian Monk: I'm Adrian... Monk. You can call me Adrian... Monk. Sharona Fleming: Oh, suck it up. Adrian Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up. I think it's your turn to suck it up. Benjy Fleming: Why don't you both suck it up? Sharona Fleming: Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth? Benjy Fleming: No. Sharona Fleming: Well, you should. Come here. [Adrian uses a moist towelette to clean home plate] Boy: [slipping] Whoa! Adrian Monk: Do-over. Adrian Monk: That doesn't make a lot of sense. Hardly any, in fact. Dr. Charles Kroger: Adrian, we can sit here singing show tunes to each other, or we can talk about your sex life. Adrian Monk: [singing] If ever I would leave you... [Monk is in the hospital room of one of the men involved in his wife's death] Warrick Tennyson: You were the husband? Adrian Monk: I AM the husband. Warrick Tennyson: Forgive me. Adrian Monk: Forgive you? This is me turning off your morphine. [He does] Adrian Monk: And this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on. [he does] Dale the Whale: The bomb that took Trudy from you was not intended to kill you. It was meant for her. Adrian Monk: It was her they were after? Why? Dale the Whale: Oh, I can't help you there. You ever been to New York? Adrian Monk: No. Dale the Whale: Pack your bags. That's where you'll find the man you're looking for. His name is Warrick Tennyson. Adrian Monk: Is he the one that killed her? Dale the Whale: He was... involved. That's all I have. [scoffs] Dale the Whale: There's my good deed for the decade. Benjy Fleming: They gave him a wedgie. Adrian Monk: What's a wedgie? Benjy Fleming: It's when they pull your underwear up all the way out of your pants. Adrian Monk: Oh, they called it something different when I was your age. Benjy Fleming: What did they call it? Adrian Monk: An 'Adrian'. Dr. Charles Kroger: [Dr. Kroger is making a house call because a chimp is loose in Monk's apartment] I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel? Adrian Monk: ...I'm fine... Dr. Charles Kroger: Yes, these are all material objects. You can replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or pees on. Adrian Monk: Chews or pees on... chews or pees on... Sharona Fleming: That guy took a whizz in the subway... THAT guy just killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest? Adrian Monk: [pauses then mumbles] The murderer. Capt. Stottlemeyer: [to the commisioner] So, you're going to let a murderer off, because you're afraid to admit YOU'RE BALD? Adrian Monk: [about being a cop] I couldn't change the world, I knew that. But I could fix little pieces of it. Adrian Monk:
[Monk is talking about Sharona, after she thinks that she is having hallucinations]