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Sharona Fleming:
Adrian, can I ask you something? And if it's none of my business, I promise I'll shut up.
Adrian Monk:
I doubt it.
Sharona Fleming:
So you remember how many empty boxes you saw?
Adrian Monk:
It's a blessing, and a curse.
[repeated line]
Adrian Monk:
It's a gift... and a curse.
Adrian Monk:
I tried doing that once, making every minute count. It gave me a headache.
Sharona Fleming:
What doesn't?
Sharona Fleming:
Ow. Why do I always have to be the victim?
Adrian Monk:
Because the victim usually ends up on the ground, in the dirt. And... I'm me.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Shoot him.
Disher:
I can't do that, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Then shoot me.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Does everything have to make sense, Monk?
Adrian Monk:
It kinda does.
Adrian Monk:
How tall are you?
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Six foot.
Adrian Monk:
Really.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Five-eleven.
[repeated line]
Adrian Monk:
Unless I'm wrong, which, you know, I'm not...
Adrian Monk:
That officer out there told me I was dead. I'm not dead, am I?
Sharona Fleming:
How was the dating?
Adrian Monk:
It was hell. Thank God I'm not single.
Sharona Fleming:
But you are single.
Adrian Monk:
Oh yeah.
Adrian Monk:
Speed dating? No, no, that's like Dante's Seventh Circle of Hell.
Sharona Fleming:
Oh, my God. It's Tim Daly.
Adrian Monk:
Who's Tim Daly?
Sharona Fleming:
He's an actor - he was in "Wings."
Adrian Monk:
Was it any good?
Sharona Fleming:
Well, *he* was.
Noelle Winters:
Is your wife here?
Adrian Monk:
I'm not married.
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Noelle Winters
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:
You're wearing a ring.
Adrian Monk:
She passed away. I can't bring myself to take it off yet.
Noelle Winters:
Oh, I'm sorry. When did she die?
Adrian Monk:
Six years ago.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[due to a loose snake, Monk is standing on the kitchen table of a house he and Captain Leland Stottlemeyer are investigating]
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
I thought you were afraid of heights.
Adrian Monk:
Snakes trump heights. It goes germs, needles, milk, death, snakes, mushrooms, heights, crowds, elevators.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Monk can't help you because well... he's... he's Monk and he's lost in Monkland.
Sharona Fleming:
Oh my god, Adrian do you know what Kenny Just did? He took care of all my Parking tickets.
Adrian Monk:
He's like Superman.
Director's Assistant:
[astounded] You memorized the play in one viewing?
Adrian Monk:
I'm really sorry.
Adrian Monk:
[police officers are investigating his home] If something spills, I want to be here.
Sharona Fleming:
Adrian, trust me... if something spills, you do not want to be here.
Adrian Monk:
That's a good point...
Heavyset Cop:
Where's your bathroom?
Adrian Monk:
[closes bathroom door] I don't have one
[repeated line]
Adrian Monk:
You'll thank me later.
[Nestor and Jose Alvarez are delivering newspapers. Nestor is killed]
Jose Alvarez:
Nestor! Why? For a newspaper?
Adrian Monk:
[after accidentally wiping his hands with a cloth covered in oil] Sharona, I really need a wipe. Hurry! Oh, the humanity!
[repeated line]
Adrian Monk:
Wipe.
Adrian Monk:
I'm Adrian... Monk. You can call me Adrian... Monk.
Sharona Fleming:
Oh, suck it up.
Adrian Monk:
I don't think it's my turn to suck it up. I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy Fleming:
Why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona Fleming:
Excuse me! Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Benjy Fleming:
No.
Sharona Fleming:
Well, you should. Come here.
[Adrian uses a moist towelette to clean home plate]
Boy:
[slipping] Whoa!
Adrian Monk:
Do-over.
Adrian Monk:
That doesn't make a lot of sense. Hardly any, in fact.
Dr. Charles Kroger:
Adrian, we can sit here singing show tunes to each other, or we can talk about your sex life.
Adrian Monk:
[singing] If ever I would leave you...
[Monk is in the hospital room of one of the men involved in his wife's death]
Warrick Tennyson:
You were the husband?
Adrian Monk:
I AM the husband.
Warrick Tennyson:
Forgive me.
Adrian Monk:
Forgive you? This is me turning off your morphine.
[He does]
Adrian Monk:
And this is Trudy, the woman you killed, turning it back on.
[he does]
Dale the Whale:
The bomb that took Trudy from you was not intended to kill you. It was meant for her.
Adrian Monk:
It was her they were after? Why?
Dale the Whale:
Oh, I can't help you there. You ever been to New York?
Adrian Monk:
No.
Dale the Whale:
Pack your bags. That's where you'll find the man you're looking for. His name is Warrick Tennyson.
Adrian Monk:
Is he the one that killed her?
Dale the Whale:
He was... involved. That's all I have.
[scoffs]
Dale the Whale:
There's my good deed for the decade.
Benjy Fleming:
They gave him a wedgie.
Adrian Monk:
What's a wedgie?
Benjy Fleming:
It's when they pull your underwear up all the way out of your pants.
Adrian Monk:
Oh, they called it something different when I was your age.
Benjy Fleming:
What did they call it?
Adrian Monk:
An 'Adrian'.
Dr. Charles Kroger:
[Dr. Kroger is making a house call because a chimp is loose in Monk's apartment] I can see your space has been violated, and I think you're handling it very well. I'm proud of you. How do you feel?
Adrian Monk:
...I'm fine...
Dr. Charles Kroger:
Yes, these are all material objects. You can replace anything that he breaks, or chews, or pees on.
Adrian Monk:
Chews or pees on... chews or pees on...
Sharona Fleming:
That guy took a whizz in the subway... THAT guy just killed four people in cold blood. Now who do you think we should arrest?
Adrian Monk:
[pauses then mumbles] The murderer.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[to the commisioner] So, you're going to let a murderer off, because you're afraid to admit YOU'RE BALD?
Adrian Monk:
[about being a cop] I couldn't change the world, I knew that. But I could fix little pieces of it.
Adrian Monk:
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[Monk is talking about Sharona, after she thinks that she is having hallucinations]
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She's not crazy!
[Monk is attempting to stop a robbery by pointing a gun at Lester]
Lester Highsmith:
Is that a water pistol?
Adrian Monk:
No!
[barrel is dripping]
Adrian Monk:
Maybe... it's scalding! Scalding hot water!
Adrian Monk:
A stop sign is not a suggestion!
Sharona Fleming:
Yes it is!
Sharona Fleming:
[to Benji] ... and you tell her to call Adrian. He'll know what to do... after I tell him.
Disher:
You know, some people think I'm dangerous.
Sharona Fleming:
Yeah, people driving behind you.
Adrian Monk:
I haven't needed a babysitter since I was nineteen.
Sharona Fleming:
You needed a babysitter when you were nineteen?
Adrian Monk:
Everyone did. It was the late Seventies. It was a crazy time.
Adrian Monk:
Tell me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie:
It's a family place. It's noisy, there's a million kids. You wouldn't last five minutes. It's got a great all-you-can-eat buffet with seven different kinds of shrimp: jumbo shrimp, batter-dipped shrimp, tempura shrimp...
Adrian Monk:
Okay, stop telling me about the Lobster Barrel.
Joe Christie:
...barbecued shrimp...
Adrian Monk:
Stop.
Adrian Monk:
You recently started dating again.
Natalie:
How did you know that?
Adrian Monk:
[holds them up] Birth control pills.
[Natalie's young daughter is staring at them]
Natalie:
[horrified] What's wrong with you?
Adrian Monk:
My mistake. These are Tic-Tacs.
Natalie Teeger:
[walking through a Museum exhibit on "The Miracle of Birth"] Come on, Adrian, it's just like a fun house.
Adrian Monk:
What's so fun about fallopian tubes?
Adrian Monk:
I don't even know this woman.
Housekeeper:
What would my hours be?
Adrian Monk:
9 am.
Housekeeper:
Until?
Adrian Monk:
Until one.
Housekeeper:
Until 1 pm?
Adrian Monk:
Until one of us dies.
Adrian Monk:
[as "The Monk"] How you doing, Toy Store?
Disher:
What did you call me?
Adrian Monk:
"Toy Store." Your name's Disher. Dish, plate, Plato, Play-Doh. Where do you buy Play-Doh?
Disher:
Toy store.
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Disher:
Now I have to go back and arrest my girlfriend for conspiracy and attempted murder. She'll probably break up with me!
Adrian Monk:
She's been buying ice all day. That makes sixteen bags she's carried in so far.
Natalie:
Maybe she's having a party.
Adrian Monk:
No food, no beer, no chips. Just ice.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Maybe she's having an Adrian Monk party.
Adrian Monk:
Captain, I'm one-hundred percent sure that she probably killed him.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
What does that mean?
[pause]
Adrian Monk:
Ninety-five percent.
Adrian Monk:
There's an old saying: "Don't change anything... ever."
Natalie Teeger:
That's an old saying?
Adrian Monk:
I've been saying it for years.
Adrian Monk:
What are you doing?
Natalie:
Pokin' around.
Adrian Monk:
You can't *do* that!
Natalie:
I can do anything I want. I'm cute.
[In a squad car, chasing a suspect]
Adrian Monk:
Is your seatbelt on?
Sgt. Parnell:
Yes, it is.
Adrian Monk:
Nice and tight? Blinkers! Blinkers!
Sgt. Parnell:
Do you understand this is a car chase?
Adrian Monk:
Left lane ends, two miles! Left lane ends, two miles!
Adrian Monk:
I mean, he could do alot worse than me for a father. What if he were adopted by... wolves?
Adrian Monk:
[after accidentally touching the ground] Nature! I've got Nature on my hand! Get it off!
[Monk is babysitting a two-year old]
Teresa Crane:
Now before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Adrian Monk:
Yes, yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Teresa Crane:
He... eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only in smaller portions.
Adrian Monk:
Oh. So he's like a person.
Sharona Fleming:
You okay?
Adrian Monk:
Not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona Fleming:
You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk:
Yes, I have a comfort zone.
Sharona Fleming:
I've never seen a comfort zone.
Adrian Monk:
It's not very big. It's, uh, it's kinda
[gestures with hands]
Adrian Monk:
... small. I, I don't have a comfort zone.
[Monk is babysitting a two-year-old]
Natalie Teeger:
Oh, my God, what is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
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Adrian Monk
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:
To protect his head.
Natalie Teeger:
It must be so uncomfortable.
Adrian Monk:
Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one when I was his age.
Natalie Teeger:
Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Adrian Monk:
No.
911 Operator:
Sir, what is the nature of your emergency?
Adrian Monk:
It's everywhere! B.M. It's B.M., B.M., B.M.! It's B.M.!
911 Operator:
Sir, you have to stop saying "B.M." now. Do you mean your child is soiling his diaper?
Adrian Monk:
Yes! Yes, he's soiling his... his diaper.
911 Operator:
You mean you've never changed a diaper before?
Adrian Monk:
Hurry!
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[holding the police sketch of the suspect] You've never seen this guy before? In the store, hanging around the parking lot?
Young Cashier:
I don't think so, but I see a lot of faces.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Sure.
Lt. Randall Disher:
It looks like Kiefer Sutherland.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[pausing] Yeah, I guess it does.
Lt. Randall Disher:
It wasn't Kiefer Sutherland, was it?
Young Cashier:
No, sir.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Here's a receipt. This is from your cash register. This is him, right?
Young Cashier:
Mm-hmm.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Eight items at 89 cents.
Young Cashier:
Yes, sir. Eight candy bars.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Eight candy bars?
Lt. Randall Disher:
It really looks like Kiefer Sutherland. You know, maybe we should - before we distribute it - write across the bottom "not Kiefer Sutherland," just so that we don't disturb Mr. Sutherland.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[sarcastically] That's a really good idea.
Lt. Randall Disher:
You think so?
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
No.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[as he's restraining Wright] I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
Darryl Wright:
I don't have a broken jaw.
[Stottmeyer spins him around then punches him in the jaw]
Adrian Monk:
Hope is the worst.
Sharona Fleming:
No. No. Forget it. No more vacations. The next time you try to make me take a vacation, I *swear* I'm quitting.
[pause]
Sharona Fleming:
I can't believe I just said that.
Adrian Monk:
You seem upset.
Sharona Fleming:
I am upset!
Adrian Monk:
You know what you need?
Sharona Fleming:
No. Shut up.
Adrian Monk<
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/b>:
Vacation!
Sharona Fleming:
Shut up!
Adrian Monk:
Don't rush the Monk.
[about the "police officer" at a bachelorette party]
Natalie Teeger:
Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian Monk:
I don't think so.
Natalie Teeger:
Didn't you see his badge? It says "Officer Feelgood."
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Adrian Monk:
I thought he'd lost his wallet.
Adrian Monk:
I took the liberty of straightening up.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Where is all my crap?
Adrian Monk:
I had to throw some stuff away.
[as "The Monk"]
Adrian Monk:
Secret sauce. Fantastic. What's in that?
Burger Girl:
They don't tell us.
Adrian Monk:
So it's like a mystery. Ah! The Monk likes mysteries. I'm a detective.
Burger Girl:
I think it's Russian dressing.
Adrian Monk:
Oh, man! You just ruined it for me.
[a new detective is solving a case more efficiently than Adrian]
Adrian Monk:
He's cheating!
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
This isn't the fourth grade, Monk.
[repeated lines]
Adrian Monk:
I don't know how he did it. But he did it.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[Monk is sick in bed with the flu; Stottlemeyer points to a large device on the nightstand] What is this thing?
Adrian Monk:
It's a humidifier.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[pointing to another device] What's that one?
Adrian Monk:
It's a dehumidifier.
[long pause]
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Adrian Monk:
Exactly.
Adrian Monk:
[Monk and Stottlemeyer are looking through Adrian and Trudy's wedding album] She was... wow.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Beautiful.
Adrian Monk:
I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words "I do". Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
That was you, Monk. And no, I have not.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
He's a vegetable!
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[singing] Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, it's not warm when she's away. Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, she's always gone too long...
Adrian Monk:
Don't ask.
Capt. Stottlemeyer<
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/b>:
[singing] ... anytime she goes away. Wonder this time where she's gone, wonder is she's gone to stay.
Woman:
Do the dance, you did a little dance.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[singing] Ain't no sunshine, when she's gone. So, gone to long, anytime she goes away.
Woman:
Turn around I wanna see your tush.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[singing] I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know.
Woman:
Those are different pants, where're the jeans?
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[talking] Look, lady, a deal is a deal. I sang the song, now tell me what I said last night.
Woman:
All you said was, "They don't match".
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
They don't match, what doesn't match?
Woman:
I don't know, you didn't say.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Wait, wait, wait. Is that it? Is that all you got?
Woman:
Leland, sing it again. I just love the way you sing.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[sighs] Thank you.
Adrian Monk:
[Capt. Stottlemeyer goes over to Monk and Natalie] You were good.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Shut up.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Do you um, know what Ebay is?
Adrian Monk:
Ebay, no.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Good.
Adrian Monk:
[in this scene everybody is handing out presents as secret Santas] Captain.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Hey.
Adrian Monk:
Well, Merry Christmas.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Oh, you got me!
Adrian Monk:
It's an air purifier, for your house.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Are you saying my house smells?
Adrian Monk:
Not your house, but houses... like yours, sometimes get a um, odor, that's a... you know sour, or, or very unpleasant kind of stench of... not your house.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Thank you, thank you, Monk.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
[captain laughs] Merry Christmas.
Adrian Monk:
Merry Christmas.
Adrian Monk:
Merry Christmas to you.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
You looking forward to our little party Alice?
Alice Westergren:
How long do these things usually last?
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
Well, last year Karen and I left at about 2:00 in the morning and Terry was still standing on a table in his boxer shorts singing "Help Me Rhonda" in Spanish.
Capt. Stottlemeyer:
How sure are you about this? And don't give me this 95 percent crap!
Adrian Monk:
Captain, I am 100 percent sure that she *probably* killed her husband.
Adrian Monk:
[Waits a moment] 95 percent.
[repeated line]
Adrian Monk:
I just solved the case.
[repeated line]
Natalie:
I'm calling the Captain.
[repeated line]
Adrian Monk:
He's the guy.
Adrian Monk:
That's enough to make me LOL...out loud
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