American Desi (2001) 6.7

Eric: I'm hungry. Did your mom give you some of her spicy balls? Krishna: Don't ever say "spicy balls" and "your mom" in the same sentence. Krishna: They've decided to try this new policy by housing people by major. It's kinda like when we were in kindergarten. [Picks up a picture and tosses it at Eric] Krishna: Remember that, eh? When they grouped us by animals? You're gonna sit at the giraffe table, and-and you're gonna sit at the kangaroo table... Ever notice how every dumb kid always sat at the otter table? Every dumb ass I ever met always say at the otter table. I think they were trying to be nice by not calling them dumb to their face, you know? Eric: Hey! I sat at the otter table! Eric: Mr. Reddy, so good to see you again! Uncle Reddy: Good to see you too. Best of luck in college too. [Takes out a $20 bill from his breast pocket and gives it to Eric; a cash register rings] Eric: All right. [Eric and Krishna are in the car. Krishna turns on the car and Hindi music begins to play] Krishna: Oh man! Eric: Dude, is that the new one from Third Eye Blind? Krishna: I am finally out of the house, man! And I am never going back! Eric: Hey Kris, you know that ceremony that your mom performed? Krishna: Don't ask me anything about it. I just wait there 'til she finishes. Eric: She was blessing us right? We're not married or anything? Krishna: What? Eric: It's just that I saw this documentary on the Discovery Channel, and it said that the dot was a symbol of marriage. Krishna: Look man, whatever it means, If I were you, I'd wipe that shit off your forehead before you start attracting Hari Krishnas or something. Jagjit: Krishna Gopal Reddy, that is you? But what is this Kris? Oh I get it, Kris with a K. Top Yaar. Make it easy for the Goras. [Jagjit Gaffaws] Jagjit: You should see how they pronounce my name. Jagjit: [dancing] ho! ho! ho! Girl at party: Hey man, WHO ARE YOU CALLING A HO? Krishna: This is your dream, don't ever give up on that. Salim: All right, who's hungry? My mummy made some fantastic Chicken Tikka Masala. [Opens container in front of Krishna's face] Krishna: Oh god! Get that shit out of my face! Jagjit:

6a

Hey Salim, did you ever see that episode of Gilligan's Island where the personalities got switched?

ffb

Salim: I know what you mean, somewhere in Jersey there is a black man driving around in a Honda Accord and praying to Lord Ganesh. Krishna: This place smells worse than my house! Eric: You've only been there a couple of hours, how bad can it be? Krishna: How bad can it be? Well let's see, Bachelor #1, who hasn't shut up since I got here, thinks we're some long-lost brothers from the old country. Bachelor #2 has managed to permanently stink up the place with his mother's cooking. And Bachelor #3, get this, thinks he's some reincarnation of M.C. Hammer. Jagjit: Hey Salim, did you see that movie, Kama Sutra? Rekha was in that one too, wasn't she? Salim: Yeah she was so amazing. I hope my wife looks that good when she gets to that age. Jagjit: Didn't see play a prostitute in that one, too? Salim: Listen, chutiyah, this is the last time I'm going to tell you... Jagjit: No, no, no wait, she played a teacher. She taught others how to be prostitutes. Salim: [while discussing Jagjit's future Sister-in-law] She's from here? Oh. Then maybe you should get him an Indian cookbook, unless he likes eating out. You should see one of my cousins, she lives here, she tried to make some rice and burnt the whole thing. I mean come on, yaar, how hard is it to boil rice? At least with a girl from India, you know she can cook. Jagjit: You wouldn't even consider marrying an Indian girl from here? Salim: Who needs all that hassle when you come back from work? [mockingly] Salim: "Salim, let's go out to dinner! I'm too tired to cook. I work, too." Jagjit: Not all Indian girls are like that. Salim: You've seen them with those Goras. I mean when will they learn how to cook a decent home meal? Jagjit: I would like to pay for these by credit card [points to books] Jagjit: and these by cash [points to art supplies] Jagjit: . Ajay: What's up with the partition? Are those Pakistani brushes? Professor Rosenstein: Take a moment please to look at the person on your right and on your left. One of you three will fail. Jagjit: Oh wow, a desi T.A., it's going to be tough as shit. Professor Rosenstein: It appears that Mr. Rao has not arrived yet. Jagjit: He's probably running on Indian Standard Time. Just watch him stroll in at the end of class. [Class is over] Jagjit: 3... 2... 1 [Jagjit clicks his tongue. Mr. Rao comes in] Professor Rosenstein: Well Mr. Rao, nice of you to join us. Next time perhaps, you can actually attend the class. Gautam Rao: [Confused] Class is over? [Gautam sits down and joins Ajay, Jagjit and Salim for Lunch. He is arranging his food containers] Ajay: Damn nigga. That's your lunch? No wonder people in India are starving, you got all the food! Girl at Lunch: Really? My brother lived with some Indians out in New Mexico, a couple of years ago, and he told me they like to get drunk, naked, and dance around at the moonlight. Jagjit: Look at this place! Can you believe there's this many freshmen? Salim: It's going to be a very tough year, yaar. We're going to have to study much harder to beat the curve. Ajay: You're at a goddamn party bitch! Fa'get about ya curve! Let's go get some desi booty! Rakesh: What did I tell you about touching my jacket? Didn't I tell you not to touch it? Do you want to go back to Raymond's in Bombay and get it pressed? Krishna: Hi, buy me a pizza? Nina: Excuse me? Krishna: Buy me a pizza. Nina: Buy you a pizza? Krishna: Yeah I'm really hungry and I'm totally tapped out of cash and I know this great pizza place around the corner. And I was wondering if you'd buy me a pizza? Nina: No are you crazy, I'm not gonna buy you a pizza. I don't know if you know how this works but you're the one buying me a pizza. Krishna: Okay. Nina: Okay what? Krishna: Okay I'll buy you a pizza, all you had to do was ask. Nina: Wait a minute, you just said that you were tapped out of cash. Krishna: I am, but it's not everyday that beautiful girl, like yourself, asks a guy like me out to pizza. Trust me, I'll find a away to scrap up the money. Nina: Cute. Very cute. I never heard a pickup line that devious before. I may have to try it myself sometime. [Jagjit is walking and trips over Salim as he is praying] Jagjit: Salim, you know I respect your religion and all but one of these days, someone is gonna get hurt! [Rakesh talks in Hindi to Krishna] Krishna: What? Chandu and Hemant: He said nice titties! Boing! Gautam Rao: Jagjit Singh? Jagjit: Here. Gautam Rao: "Onathan" Scott? Jonathan: It's Jonathan. "Juh" Gautam Rao: What happened to the silent "J"? Jonathan: It's not silent! Gautam Rao: I swear that there are more exceptions than rules in the English grammar. [Rao breaks the eraser off his pencil] Gautam Rao: Oh Shit! Does anyone have a rubber? Miss, you must have a little rubber in your purse. I need a little rubber. Jagjit:

37

Here we go with the corrupt Indian girl routine.