Nate: Look, I have to go identify our dead father's body. I'm sorry you're having a bad drug experience, but deal with it. Claire: Apparently you want a child with an eating disorder. Nate: This is my... uh, my girlfriend, Brenda. Brenda: I prefer the term "fuck puppet". Ruth: Thank you. I've had the best time coming to this funny little restaurant and having you yell at me in the bathroom. Nate: Uh, Brenda, why do you have my name tattooed on your ass? Ruth: I would like to go on record as saying I am in full support of you going to art school. Claire: Consider it recorded. But I'm just taking a tour. Let's not get our panties in a wad over it. Ruth: So what's new? Brenda: Actually, I spent all night doing it with this couple from Orange County, and I have absolutely no idea why. Brenda: The future is just a fucking concept that we use to avoid living today. Nate: Thank you for breakfast. Brenda: Thank you for finding my G-spot this morning. Nate Sr.: Well, well. The prodigal returns. This is what you've been running away from your whole life, buddy boy. Scared the crap out of you when you were growing up, didn't it? And you thought you'd escape, well guess what, nobody escapes. Nate: Everything is the same. [Silence] Lisa:
Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant, you know. Five months. But you don't need to worry I'm not going to ask anything from you.
Ruth: Claire, I have to ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth. Did you set that fire? Claire: No, Mom. I would never do anything like that. [Ruth looks at Claire with relief] Claire: I may have swiped that foot, though. [In front of a casket] Elderly Man: You did a real good job on her. David: Well, we do our best. Elderly Man: If there's any justice in the universe, she's shoveling shit in hell right now. Brenda: I don't want any children. Nate: Whoa. Hey. Who said anything about children? Brenda: I was referring to you. Claire: I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird. Nikolai: Are you going with your little friend, the one with the funny car? Ruth: It's an electric car and it's very good for the environment. [Nikolai laughs] Ruth: Why are you laughing? Nikolai: Because you're not. [During a lap dance] Stripper: Aren't you enjoying this even one bit? David: Yeah, I'm loving it. Why? Stripper: Well, your dick isn't responding. Angela: I've never worked in a funeral home that was more depressing. Tracy Montrose Blair: Why do people have to die? Nate: To make life important. None of us know how long we've got. Which is why we have to make each day matter. [Parker is about to have sex] Guy at party: How old are you? Parker: How old do you want me to be? Mitzi Dalton-Huntley: Been running? It's bad for the knees. Nate: Everything's bad for something. Claire: You know, it's polite for the first person downstairs to make coffee, even it that person has a penis. Nate: Well, it's also polite for the first person in the bathroom to spend less than 45 minutes in there, even if that person has a vulva. Ruth: [entering] Oh, goodness, everyone's here. David: With all their genitalia. Ruth: I joined "The Plan". Claire: Isn't that like a cult or something? Nate: No, it' one of those '70s self discovery clubs that yell at you and don't let you go to the bathroom for 12 hours, right? Ruth: [takes out yogurt cup] I think this will do. All right, I'm leaving you without dinner. I'll be back really late. [leaves
] Claire: This whole concept of mom self-actualizing is making me nauseous. Nate: You're sure it's that and not the concept of mom pissing in a plastic jar? Nate: What would you rather have, some overly educated gas bag like Trevor, or a semi-literate fuck-machine like me, come on. Taylor: My mom says my uncle Keith is a punk-ass fudge packer, because he likes men instead of women. [genuinely curious, to David] Taylor: Does that mean that you're a punk-ass fudge packer, too? Margaret: Just because both your parents are shrinks doesn't mean you're a shrink. Brenda: Well, just because you're a shrink doesn't mean you're not insane. Aunt Sarah: You know, vodka is for Russians what therapy is for Americans. Brenda: Yeah. Habit-forming and destroys your ability to lead a normal life. Officer Keith Charles: Most guys I meet, they kinda just want me to be one thing. Claire: What? Like, big black sex cop? Ruth: David, are you bringing a special friend to dinner? David: Why are my friends always special? Ruth: Okay, then, is the man you're having sex with coming to dinner? Claire: Great. So I get nothing. Ruth: You get an education, something not all people are privileged to. Claire: Well, what if I don't want to go to college? Reader of the Will: College is a necessity in life not only to excel in learning, but to survive. Claire: Spare me the tough-love rationalization, just bottom-line it, please. Reader of the Will: If you choose not to go to college, the money will be available to you when you're 25. Claire: It's like blackmail from beyond the grave. [Ruth is doing laundry] Arthur: I have some kerchiefs and some undershirts... I hear some people call them wife-beaters, which I think is kind of funny... Ruth: There's nothing funny about beating your wife. Nate: I gotta go to work. Billy: Bring out your dead. [recalling the first time he saw Keith] David: You looked so intense, the way you pointed your little alarm thingy at your car, like, "Fuck you, car, now you're locked." Nate Sr.: Life is wasted on the living. Gabriel Dimas: Life just wasn't the right environment for me. Claire: Well, isn't it comforting to know that being miserable is still better than being an idiot?