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Nate:
Look, I have to go identify our dead father's body. I'm sorry you're having a bad drug experience, but deal with it.
Claire:
Apparently you want a child with an eating disorder.
Nate:
This is my... uh, my girlfriend, Brenda.
Brenda:
I prefer the term "fuck puppet".
Ruth:
Thank you. I've had the best time coming to this funny little restaurant and having you yell at me in the bathroom.
Nate:
Uh, Brenda, why do you have my name tattooed on your ass?
Ruth:
I would like to go on record as saying I am in full support of you going to art school.
Claire:
Consider it recorded. But I'm just taking a tour. Let's not get our panties in a wad over it.
Ruth:
So what's new?
Brenda:
Actually, I spent all night doing it with this couple from Orange County, and I have absolutely no idea why.
Brenda:
The future is just a fucking concept that we use to avoid living today.
Nate:
Thank you for breakfast.
Brenda:
Thank you for finding my G-spot this morning.
Nate Sr.:
Well, well. The prodigal returns. This is what you've been running away from your whole life, buddy boy. Scared the crap out of you when you were growing up, didn't it? And you thought you'd escape, well guess what, nobody escapes.
Nate:
Everything is the same.
[Silence]
Lisa:
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Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant, you know. Five months. But you don't need to worry I'm not going to ask anything from you.
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Ruth:
Claire, I have to ask you something, and I want you to tell me the truth. Did you set that fire?
Claire:
No, Mom. I would never do anything like that.
[Ruth looks at Claire with relief]
Claire:
I may have swiped that foot, though.
[In front of a casket]
Elderly Man:
You did a real good job on her.
David:
Well, we do our best.
Elderly Man:
If there's any justice in the universe, she's shoveling shit in hell right now.
Brenda:
I don't want any children.
Nate:
Whoa. Hey. Who said anything about children?
Brenda:
I was referring to you.
Claire:
I know stealing a foot is weird. But, hello, living in a house where a foot is available to be stolen is weird.
Nikolai:
Are you going with your little friend, the one with the funny car?
Ruth:
It's an electric car and it's very good for the environment.
[Nikolai laughs]
Ruth:
Why are you laughing?
Nikolai:
Because you're not.
[During a lap dance]
Stripper:
Aren't you enjoying this even one bit?
David:
Yeah, I'm loving it. Why?
Stripper:
Well, your dick isn't responding.
Angela:
I've never worked in a funeral home that was more depressing.
Tracy Montrose Blair:
Why do people have to die?
Nate:
To make life important. None of us know how long we've got. Which is why we have to make each day matter.
[Parker is about to have sex]
Guy at party:
How old are you?
Parker:
How old do you want me to be?
Mitzi Dalton-Huntley:
Been running? It's bad for the knees.
Nate:
Everything's bad for something.
Claire:
You know, it's polite for the first person downstairs to make coffee, even it that person has a penis.
Nate:
Well, it's also polite for the first person in the bathroom to spend less than 45 minutes in there, even if that person has a vulva.
Ruth:
[entering] Oh, goodness, everyone's here.
David:
With all their genitalia.
Ruth:
I joined "The Plan".
Claire:
Isn't that like a cult or something?
Nate:
No, it' one of those '70s self discovery clubs that yell at you and don't let you go to the bathroom for 12 hours, right?
Ruth:
[takes out yogurt cup] I think this will do. All right, I'm leaving you without dinner. I'll be back really late.
[leaves
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]
Claire:
This whole concept of mom self-actualizing is making me nauseous.
Nate:
You're sure it's that and not the concept of mom pissing in a plastic jar?
Nate:
What would you rather have, some overly educated gas bag like Trevor, or a semi-literate fuck-machine like me, come on.
Taylor:
My mom says my uncle Keith is a punk-ass fudge packer, because he likes men instead of women.
[genuinely curious, to David]
Taylor:
Does that mean that you're a punk-ass fudge packer, too?
Margaret:
Just because both your parents are shrinks doesn't mean you're a shrink.
Brenda:
Well, just because you're a shrink doesn't mean you're not insane.
Aunt Sarah:
You know, vodka is for Russians what therapy is for Americans.
Brenda:
Yeah. Habit-forming and destroys your ability to lead a normal life.
Officer Keith Charles:
Most guys I meet, they kinda just want me to be one thing.
Claire:
What? Like, big black sex cop?
Ruth:
David, are you bringing a special friend to dinner?
David:
Why are my friends always special?
Ruth:
Okay, then, is the man you're having sex with coming to dinner?
Claire:
Great. So I get nothing.
Ruth:
You get an education, something not all people are privileged to.
Claire:
Well, what if I don't want to go to college?
Reader of the Will:
College is a necessity in life not only to excel in learning, but to survive.
Claire:
Spare me the tough-love rationalization, just bottom-line it, please.
Reader of the Will:
If you choose not to go to college, the money will be available to you when you're
Claire:
It's like blackmail from beyond the grave.
[Ruth is doing laundry]
Arthur:
I have some kerchiefs and some undershirts... I hear some people call them wife-beaters, which I think is kind of funny...
Ruth:
There's nothing funny about beating your wife.
Nate:
I gotta go to work.
Billy:
Bring out your dead.
[recalling the first time he saw Keith]
David:
You looked so intense, the way you pointed your little alarm thingy at your car, like, "Fuck you, car, now you're locked."
Nate Sr.:
Life is wasted on the living.
Gabriel Dimas:
Life just wasn't the right environment for me.
Claire:
Well, isn't it comforting to know that being miserable is still better than being an idiot?
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[Nate needs Claire to pick up some death certificates]
Nate:
Uh, one's at a nursing home, and the other, I think... is also at a nursing home.
Claire:
Ugh. I hate those places. All the old people want to touch my hair.
Claire:
If we live our lives the right way then everything we do can become a work of art.
Brenda:
You know what I find interesting? If you lose a spouse, you're called a widow, or a widower. If you're a child and you lose your parents, then you're an orphan. But what's the word to describe a parent who loses a child? I guess that's just too fucking awful to even have a name.
[Gabe's friend Andy grabs Claire's breasts]
Claire:
Whoa, you're not on the list of people who get to touch my tits.
Ruth:
Claire, are you depressed?
Claire:
I'm not going to even answer that.
Ruth:
Well, whatever you're going through, I hope you're not going to blame me
Nikolai:
Ruthie, why do I want little cherries in my drawers?
Ruth:
It's hard to explain. You just do.
[Margaret and Bern's rules for having sex with others]
Margaret:
You can't fuck my friends, I can't fuck yours. No fucking of mutual friends. Never in Hawaii. Never in a hotel that costs more than $300 a night. And never in a hotel that's under $75 a night. Not on holidays. And there are others, I just can't remember all of them at the moment.
Ruth:
Mr. Powerful and his entourage are here.
Nate:
Yeah, I'll have a double dub - uh - uh - a - a Chubby - a double Chubby - a Chubby Chubby - a double double - a double chubby - a chubby chubby - a chub - I'll have a doub - I'll have a double Chubby cheeseburger.
[scrunches eyes, in a major headache]
Nate:
Oh, fuck me!
David:
Do you have any respect for human life whatsoever?
Nate:
I have a HUGE respect for human life, I just didn't know they could take a dump when they're dead!
David:
[recording an answering machine message] Hi, it's David and Keith, but we can't come to the phone right now because we're too *gay*.
[Arthur's yogurt has been stolen]
Arthur:
I hope you plan on replacing however much of it you consume.
[Claire, stoned, has just written "Terror Starts At Home" on the wall]
Claire:
It's like, how many evildoers do you have to kill before you become one yourself?
Billy:
That's the thing about Narcissus, it's not thst he's so fucking in love with himself, because he isn't at all, he fucking hates himself. It's that without that reflection looking back at him... he doesn't exist.
Celeste:
[to Keith] How come you didn't tell me you were gay, bitch?
Celeste:
[on the phone] Fine, I'll do the crappy Kids Choice Awards, but I'm not presenting with Hilary fucking Duff.
David:
I have to get control of myself.
Claire:
No, David, if you were any more controlled, you'd be a sculpture. You know what? Last night I had a humiliating homosexual experience of my own.
David:
Seriously? What happened?
Claire:
Not much. I never even went down on her.
David:
You can stop there.
Claire:
Oh, this is so fucking gross!
David:
What the fuck do you think you're doing?
Claire:
Taking pictures. This is like right out of "The Shining".
David:
This is not cool or legal, stop it!
Claire:
Well, call the bureau, ass.
David:
This is our family business Claire, even if I'm the only one in the family who gives a shit anymore.
Claire:
Well, what if you need photos for, like, the insurance company or something?
David:
All right, take some more - but this is not an art project.
Celeste:
Creepy Colin Farrell just left me another creepy message, can't we do something about that, y'know legally?
Claire:
[Claire has just told Russell she was pregnant by him, but has had an abortion] Look, I'm sorry. I didn't...
Russell Corwin:
Just give me a second, okay?... Just give me a second to get used to the idea of living with this for the rest of my life.
Claire:
Are you fucking kidding me?
Russell Corwin:
No, I'm not kidding you, Claire! It's fucking sad! It's fucking sad and it's fucked up. I mean, did you cry? Did you?
Claire:
[Claire scoffs, indignant] I cried more than you have ever cried in your whole life.
Russell Corwin:
[Russell breaks down] Then give me a fucking second to feel bad about this, okay? Just a motherfucking second!
[holding picture]
Nate:
There's something weird about twins, about these twins anyway
[shows picture to Brenda]
Brenda:
They're cute
Nate:
They smell like bananas
Claire:
You know, Nate, this isn't "The Matrix". The rest of us that don't have babies - we're real.
Nate Sr.:
You hang on to your pain like it means something. Like it's worth something. Well, let me tell you - it's not worth shit. Let it go! Infinite possibilities, and all he can do is whine.
David:
Well, what am I supposed to do?
Nate Sr.:
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What do you think? You can do *anything* you lucky bastard - you're alive! What's a little pain compared to that?
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David:
It can't be that simple.
Nate Sr.:
What if it is?
David:
You can't ever really know a person and if you think you can, you're living in a dream world.
Ruth:
[to Claire who's feeling sad for her break-up from Russell] I guess we all want to be loved. It's hard to say no to that, no matter who it's coming from.
Olivier Castro-Staal:
[to Claire on her new-found love with Russell] If you get lonely, have sex. But if you think you meet someone who really wants something from you? You're doomed.
Bernard Chenowith:
[o Brenda] You've found your happiness, Nate. She'll find hers. It's just a matter of time.
Nate:
And what if I haven't found mine?
Vanessa:
You know, lately, I was thinking there was a chance that maybe we could get back together. Boy do I need my fucking head examined... I can't believe I married a fucking embalmer.
Maggie Sibley:
What's wrong?
Nate:
[Nate breathing heavily] My arm is numb...
[slurs]
Nate:
Numb arm... numb arm... narm!... Narm!
Ruth:
Claire... wake up! We're leaving, pack up!
Claire:
Oh, my God, Mom, I feel like Anne Frank!
Ruth:
If you don't hurry, we'll have to go spinning!
Claire:
Oh, my God!
Claire:
You know, at first I was worried, but now I'm just pissed.
Maggie Sibley:
I know that if you think life's a vending machine where you put in virtue and take out happiness than you're going to be disappointed.
David:
[as a stoned Claire sits down next to him in a pink shirt] you could've dressed.
Claire:
...I couldn't.
David:
The rest of us managed.
Claire:
[looks at him] ... the rest of you win.
Officer Keith Charles:
[talking to David about marriage] You're in my will, I'm in yours. We basically are married, even if the law refuses to recognize it. But then again, I refuse to recognize most of the Bush Administration. I guess it all evens out.
Nate:
So, Keith.
David:
So what about him?
Nate:
You guys are back together?
David:
No.
Nate:
He was there this morning.
David:
He was a little drunk last night, I let him stay over. I was being polite.
Nate:
Polite and horny.
Nate:
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You can't take a picture of this. It's already gone.
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Brenda:
So... how's it going?
Nate:
Oh, it's great... great. My father's dead, my mom's a whore, my brother wants to kill me, and my sister's smoking crack. I think I win.
Claire:
I wish I was gay.
David:
Ohh, no.
Claire:
Well, then I wouldn't have to deal with unfamiliar sex organs!
David:
They're all unfamiliar unless they're yours.
Nate Sr.:
[Nate Sr. and Nate are looking at Nate Sr.'s tombstone] Is that the best anybody could come up with - "Father, Husband, Caregiver"?
Nate:
How would you prefer it - "Introvert, Sadist, Mindfucker"?
Hiram Gunderson:
Whenever I see a fire, I think of you. Reminds me of the color of your hair.
Ruth:
Sometimes I feel like all I have going for me is the color of my hair.
Nate:
None of this turned out the way I wanted it to. I wanted to love you. I did love you. And I just felt like we were beginning to... I know we were. I know it in my heart. I feel like I had this once-in-a-lifetime chance and I fucked it up.
Lisa:
Nate, I'm not a chance. I'm a person.
Mitzi Dalton-Huntley:
[David hands Mitzi a cup of coffee] You didn't put rat poison on in here, did ya?
Nate:
Drink it and find out.
Federico Diaz:
[while embalming a murderer] He is a freakin' Dorito! Crunch him - they'll make more.
Margaret:
[on vaginal rejuvenation surgery] Who wants to fuck a glass of water?
Nate:
Why do you treat me like shit all the time, Brenda?
Brenda:
Because I've had a really fucked-up life and I need sarcasm to hide how ridiculously miserable I am!
George Sibley:
I've made a lot of enemies through the years. You take the backstabbing world of academia, throw in a controversial field like Geology and you've got real trouble.
Claire:
Geology is controversial?
George Sibley:
Oil, Claire. Oil.
Celeste:
You ever been with a woman?
Officer Keith Charles:
Of course.
Celeste:
I don't get fucked in the ass.
Officer Keith Charles:
That makes one of us.
Ruth:
I want to know why your other wives left you!
George Sibley:
Because they asked too many fucking questions!
George Sibley:
I'm sorry.
Maggie Sibley:
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Don't be. That's the way life is, right? I mean, you ruin things, you walk away. You go somewhere else until it's ruined...
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Maggie Sibley:
Just let me go.
Officer Keith Charles:
Lord,for food in a world where many walk in hunger; For faith in a world where many walk in fear; And for friends in a world where many walk alone; We give you thanks, O Lord, on this Christmas Day. Amen.
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