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[Opening title narration]
Narrator:
In New York City's war on crime, the worst criminal offenders are pursued by the detectives of the Major Case Squad. These are their stories.
ADA Ron Carver:
Your client's not insane... he's in love. Maybe it's hard to tell the two apart, but the law can.
Detective Robert Goren:
No, no, no, I know that anger. I should have seen it coming.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
You two have a play date?
Detective Alexandra Eames:
So the victim came into this cubicle, hung her bag on the hook and then the suspect came in.
Detective Robert Goren:
No, I think she put her bag on the floor. Otherwise the suspect could've just reached over the door and grabbed it.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
No. She put it on the hook.
Detective Robert Goren:
Oh, I get it. A girl thing.
[to Goren, after meeting an unusual witness]
Detective Alexandra Eames:
I didn't know you had an older, geekier brother.
Detective Robert Goren:
One thing this line of work teaches us is that guys will do anything for love.
[referring to notes on Goren's desk]
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Admirers?
Detective Robert Goren:
No, reporters. They want a comment.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Can they print a hand gesture?
[Eames, while examining a recently discovered, 20 year old partly decomposed corpse, realizes the victim was wearing a very rare mini skirt]
Detective Robert Goren:
You wore one of those?
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Looked good in it, too.
Detective Robert Goren:
Yeah, he's crazy but you're evil.
Captain James Deakins:
A name with no horse...
[Eames mentions dating and the other detectives stare at her]
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Well, what was I supposed to do when I was pregnant? Sit home and knit?
Detective Alexandra Eames:
[hearing a description of a suspect] Well, that fits our profile.
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[Bobby stops and stares at her]
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Detective Alexandra Eames:
I only pretend not to listen to you.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
[viewing a body in the back of a car going to the airport] Maybe this beats economy.
Detective Robert Goren:
[after looking through a PDA calendar for 2001] Someone is passing off human plasma as synthetic.
ADA Ron Carver:
What did you find out about the embassy in Bangkok?
Detective Alexandra Eames:
They have lovely fax cover sheets...
Detective Robert Goren:
[after listening to a drug company doctor deny knowledge of bad blood products] Doctor tell me something. When you decide to dump this stuff what do you do, flip a coin? Heads Asia, tails Africa?
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Bad news comes in all packages.
Detective Robert Goren:
You cut a human being in half, Brian
[Eric]
Detective Robert Goren:
. How good does that make you?
Detective Alexandra Eames:
[Eames and Goren find a briefcase in a trashcan. Eames wants to call the bomb squad; Goren sees an ID on the briefcase and grabs it, which scares the hell out of Eames] It's good to be back.
District Attorney Arthur Branch:
An arrest warrant for Judge Harold Garrett... Hot-tub Harry.
ADA Ron Carver:
The circumstantial evidence and the statement from his son.
District Attorney Arthur Branch:
Ah, This won't do...
[Tears the arrest warrant]
District Attorney Arthur Branch:
At all.
ADA Ron Carver:
Arthur?
District Attorney Arthur Branch:
Arresting a judge for murder on an election year... is not peanuts. If the District Attorney is going to arrest a sitting judge of the Supreme Court of New York.
[Signs the new arrest warrant]
District Attorney Arthur Branch:
The signature of the District Attorney damn well better be on that warrant. Arthur Branch, Esquire.
[Handles the arrest warrant to ADA Carver]
District Attorney Arthur Branch:
That would be worth two points on Election Day. It's not enough to do good... You gotta be seeing doing good.
M.E. Rodgers:
Your Miss Wallace must have had her claws dug in pretty good. Her trachea's crushed. When she hit the water she didn't have a chance.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
And the blood in the room?
M.E. Rodgers:
It all matched for what we have on file for Wallace. We estimate it was a little under a quart. There's no way Wallace could survive in the river after losing that much blood.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
I guess we'll be seeing her in someone's tuna net one of these days.
Detective Robert Goren:
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How long do you think it would have taken for Nicole to collect a quart of her own blood?
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Detective Alexandra Eames:
If the blood was a set-up, why wouldn't Ella say something about it when she saw it all over the room?
Detective Robert Goren:
Maybe she was in on it. Maybe we never turned her.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
And she had to learn the hard way.
Detective Robert Goren:
It's just a thought.
[looking at a dead man in subway]
Detective Alexandra Eames:
A disposable partner; who would have thought?
Nicole Wallace:
The greatest detectives in the world - you have to wonder about people who need such positive reinforcement.
[Nicole looking at Goren]
Nicole Wallace:
I missed you at the reading of the verdict. Then again, it wasn't one of your best moments.
Detective Robert Goren:
Well...
[flustered]
Detective Robert Goren:
...none of us have been at our best lately. You've gone from multi-millionaire to street urchin.
Nicole Wallace:
It's a step up from Gavin, believe me.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Well, at least you're not calling yourself Elizabeth Hitchens anymore.
Nicole Wallace:
Well, if you can't beat them... I meant to tell you, detective, you looked RADIANT when you took the stand at my trial.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Speaking of cradles, looks like you robbed one.
Detective Robert Goren:
You're uh, looking for her, huh? You worried that you didn't inoculate her thoroughly enough against our tricks?
Nicole Wallace:
She has a natural immunity to pathological liars.
Detective Robert Goren:
Well, uh, I've never seen you so agitated.
Nicole Wallace:
It must be all the pleasant memories this place brings back.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
When tourists take a bite of the Big Apple, the apple isn't supposed to bite back.
Nicole Wallace:
I didn't come here to engage you. I want... I want a truce Bobby.
Detective Robert Goren:
A truce?
Nicole Wallace:
Notwithstanding your unrelenting pursuit of evil.
Detective Robert Goren:
Evil, Nicole, is also unrelenting in its pursuits.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
She asked for a truce.
Captain James Deakins:
Well, at least she hasn't lost her sense of humor.
[looking at Goren with exasperation]
Nicole Wallace:
Trespassing? Next thing you'll be handing out parking tickets.
[Nicole is seated across from Eames and Goren]
Detective Robert Goren:
That's Nicole's maternal instinct rearing its little head.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
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You can't deny those feelings even if you can't have kids of your own.
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Nicole Wallace:
Yes thank you. Not all of us can be blessed like you with eggs ripe and ready for hire.
[poking fun at Eames for having her sisters baby]
Nicole Wallace:
Tell me, did your sister let you keep the sonograms so you'd have something to cuddle up with at night?
[angrily to Nicole Wallace]
Detective Alexandra Eames:
I see my nephew three times a week. Being pregnant was a great experience, Nicole. Consider yourself robbed.
Detective Robert Goren:
So is that what this girl's for? To offer you a chance to exercise your maternal yearnings?
Nicole Wallace:
And why not? Adopting Asian children is all the rage, Bobby; they're practically fashion accessories.
Captain James Deakins:
[referring to a related murder case in another precinct] I'd say they put in about 2 hours' work and called it quits.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Maybe because they had about 2,000 other homicides to solve that day.
Detective Robert Goren:
[opening up a container of very nasty smelling cheese] That's 'rogetta'.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
You can tell that just from the smell?
Detective Robert Goren:
Label.
Detective Robert Goren:
[entering a warehouse with a strong coffee smell] Do you smell it?
Detective Alexandra Eames:
I'm getting a caffeine buzz just breathing it in.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
[after reading an article by a lawyer killed by a hitman] Sounds like Old MacDonald rubbed some people the wrong way.
Captain James Deakins:
[referring to a case of mistaken identity] They wacked the wrong lawyer.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
[watching Goren playing with the skull of a corpse] You keep doing that, I'm gonna drop this kid right here.
ADA Ron Carver:
I don't know whether to laugh or cry. You have an offended mobster and his son. A case of mistaken identity. An incompetent hitman. A hitman's widow. A hitman's missing sister. A corrupt cop. And now another dead killer. It's operatic.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
[listening to a self-defense story] Self-defense works for me.
Detective Robert Goren:
Sweet isn't it? Revenge.
Captain James Deakins:
[referring to a cop being taken away] So much for passing out brains with those gold shields.
[after viewing their dead suspect who is a fashion photographer]
Detective Alexandra Eames:
As murders go, it's pretty flashy.
ADA Ron Carver:
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[after helping the detectives get a confession out of a woman conducting brain research] So she had the lesion and she committed murder. Doesn't that prove Dr. Buckman's theory?
Detective Robert Goren:
She wasn't driven to kill out of rage, she chose to kill out of love.
ADA Ron Carver:
Love?
Detective Robert Goren:
It's a many-splendored thing.
Detective Robert Goren:
Cat got your tongue?
[indicating one of several body parts in the anatomy lab]
Detective Robert Goren:
Because there's an extra one here.
Mr. Smythe:
Four counts of manslaughter. That's what I get for overestimating the intelligence of a grand jury.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Just be grateful the D.A. let you off with a plea bargain.
Mr. Smythe:
I don't consider shutting down my website a bargain. All right, Joanie and Chachi, right? This is the last chat I have for them.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Thank you, you can go do your little dance in Hell now.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
she got her hands on this, why she didn't run...
Detective Robert Goren:
it wasn't about that, it was about him
Detective Alexandra Eames:
men come and go, but diamonds...
Detective Robert Goren:
diamonds don't keep you warm at night
Captain James Deakins:
Great, the Goren Show's back in town
Detective Robert Goren:
Boo! Made ya look!
Detective Robert Goren:
When I met you, you wanted me to see who you truly were - how smart, how funny, how charming you were. You wanted me to see you, Nicole, the sparkling little girl who survived a horrible abuse with her wits intact.
Nicole Wallace:
Got carried off by dingoes. It happens a lot in Australia.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
He'll get over it... just like Peter Bonham
ADA Ron Carver:
is it cult? mind control?
Detective Robert Goren:
yes
Detective Alexandra Eames:
no
ADA Ron Carver:
how reassuring
Detective Robert Goren:
they use the same psychological coercion as cults
Detective Alexandra Eames:
so did the guy who sold me my car. no one forced those people to stay last night
Detective Alexandra Eames:
You should see me in a blue dress.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
In this neighborhood, the Neighborhood Watch watches the cops.
Nicole Wallace:
Keep your hands on deck. We don't want you playing with your pistol under the table.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
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If he wanted to get in Laurette's head, he should have known more blondes.
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Captain James Deakins:
His life sounds like a Graham Greene novel
Detective Alexandra Eames:
When I was a kid, I used to dream about living on a horse farm.
Detective Robert Goren:
That's a nice dream - for a horse
Detective Robert Goren:
Well, she didn't believe in heaven and hell, so how would she know the devil was massaging her neck?
Detective Alexandra Eames:
We have that Ukrainian politician to thank for that.
Detective G. Lynn Bishop:
If it's all right, I'd like to go with you.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
[Eames is pregnant] Sure, you can carry me up the stairs.
Detective G. Lynn Bishop:
He killed her over a toy boat?
Detective Robert Goren:
You know men, they get very attached to toys.
Detective Robert Goren:
So you're not that special... Welcome to the human race!
Detective Robert Goren:
So that's what revenge tastes like - a mouthful of ash.
Detective Robert Goren:
[to Nicole Wallace] You use sex as an exercise in self-hatred.
Detective Robert Goren:
Come on, you're a small guy. What size shoe do you wear?
[throws his leg up on the table]
Detective Robert Goren:
I wear a
[stands up and peers under the table]
Detective Robert Goren:
You look like a 9, or... what, like an 8?
Henry Talbott:
I'm an...
[waves his hands around]
Henry Talbott:
Oh, God, why am I even, I don't want to talk to you about this! Don't drag me into this!
Detective Robert Goren:
Ah! You've got small hands, too!
Detective Alexandra Eames:
What is that?
Detective Robert Goren:
Fish scale.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Great, she was attacked by a shark.
Detective Robert Goren:
Sharks don't have scales.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
[rolls eyes]
[Goren and Logan, dressed in similar dark suits, leave to interview a witness; Eames and Barak watch them go]
Detective Alexandra Eames:
There they go. Ocean's Two.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Sex fiend and a bully, politics is a perfect place for him.
Detective Mike Logan:
You want fun? Date a cop.
Detective Robert Goren:
Wait, you can't leave now that the cat's out of the bag!
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Detective Alexandra Eames
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:
A divorce lawyer - the gift that keeps on giving.
Detective Robert Goren:
[searching the apartment of a murdered Russian writer] She has legal pads filled with her handwriting. She still wrote in Russian.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Don't tell me you speak Russian.
[Bobby turns and stares at her blankly]
Detective Alexandra Eames:
Oh, brother.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
[seeing Goren reading a book written by a suspect] What are you doing, underlining the dirty parts?
Detective Robert Goren:
These quick-release knots are really... quick.
Detective Robert Goren:
What's this here? It's a trans-dermal patch.
M.E. Rodgers:
Could be a pain killer or nicotine patch.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
To bad it wasn't a 'learn to swim' patch.
Detective Robert Goren:
You know I find paranoid schizophrenics make excellent witnesses.
Detective Robert Goren:
[holding up two pickles] We're very good at connecting the dots.
Detective Alexandra Eames:
[to Goren] The way she was making googly eyes at you I thought you were getting through to her.
Detective Robert Goren:
Woohoo! Steamy!
ADA Ron Carver:
[Goren is betting Carver 10-1 that a murderer will kill again] 10-1?
Detective Alexandra Eames:
I've taken him on before, Mr. Carver. I'm down eighteen bucks.
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