J.D.: [voiceover] You see, today isn't just any other day. It's my first day. [to an annoying patient] Dr. Cox: Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartels & James and woo hoo hoo, it was gone forever - just like my patience is now. Jill Tracy: So you do scary little speeches. How adorable. J.D.: Go ahead, insult me like you always do. Janitor: Too easy. When you less expect... [to JD] Janitor: You seem unhappy. I like that. Dr. Cox: ...And bam! The shine's off the apple. And that's when you find out that that pretty little girl you married isn't a pretty little girl at all. No, she's a man-eater. And I'm not talking about the "whoa-whoa, here she comes" kind of man-eater. I'm talking about the kind that uses your dignity as a dishtowel to wipe up any shreds of manhood that might be stuck inside the sink. Of course, I may have tormented her from time to time; but, honest to God, that's what I thought marriage was all about. So much so that, by the end of that relationship, I honestly don't know who I hated more - her or me? I used to sit around and wonder... why our friends weren't trying to destroy each other, like we were. And here, it turns out, the answer's pretty simple: They weren't unhappy. We were. Dr. Cox: [in response to something J.D. just said] Oh, my God; I care so little, I almost passed out. [Turk is asking Dr. Kelso for a favor] Turk: Sir, I promise you, if you offer her the job again she'll say yes. And I'll do anything, I'll pick up extra shifts, I'll volunteer - I'll volunteer at the clinic; Whatever you want! Dr. Kelso: Ahh! I want you to kill the giant bat that's been living in my attic! Turk: You keep Enid in the attic? Elliot: I put all those flyers up and no one wants me to live with them. J.D.: Oh, c'mon, Elliot, I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a clean non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage. Elliot: Well, if you don't it gets mildewy. J.D.: You should live with my friend, Anal McLooney. [about Dr. Cox and Jordan] Carla:
Why does he keep going back to her?
Turk: I don't know. Why do people keep marrying Larry King? The man looks like a frog. Janitor: Some hooligan keeps disconnecting the alarm. I told Security to look into it. But no, no, they'd rather catch the guy who's stealing organs from the transplant ward. Carla: [about a male intern] You're right; he definitely has a cute little butt. Elliot: It's almost like it's been sculpted. J.D.: Who cares? Everyone has a cute butt; I have a cute butt. Carla: You should bring it in someday. Dr. Cox: Look. Barry... Barry's a... he's a great guy. Turk: Yeah. I totally forgot the rule to the transplant list is no drinking, unless Cox says you're a great guy. Dr. Cox: Come on, pally, guy's been on the transplant list for three stinkin' years - this is a no-brainer. Turk: You're right. He's out. Elliot: Sir, my father cut me off... Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, this is not Bring Your Problems to Work Day. This is just Work Day. J.D.: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do. Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours? J.D.: Yes! Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor? J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge? [silence] Janitor: Dammit. Turk: This is the reason why your headache didn't go away: That's actually pronounced analgesic, not anal-gesic. Sir, the pills go in your mouth. [Dr. Cox and the pregnant Jordan are walking through towards a Nurses' Station] Dr. Cox: Yes, hello? Could we please get my hormonal, extremely annoying ex-wife's amnio underway? Jordan: Wow, I can't wait to write that down in the baby journal. [Dr. Cox grunts] Jordan: Could you be a bigger ass right now? Dr. Cox: Could you *have* a bigger ass right now? Elliot: My life is a mess! J.D.: At least you're pretty. Elliot: Yeah, well, pretty don't pay the rent! Carla: It does for my sister. Elliot: Oh, my God, your sister's a prostitute? Carla: She's a model. Come on, Elliot, we talked about thinking before we speak. Turk: How can you make love to your wife if she's at fat camp? Dr. Kelso: The real question is: how can I make love to her when she's not at fat camp?
[about his wife]