Rusty Duritz: Isn't it cool we both have to go to the bathroom at the same time? Russ Duritz: Yes. I'll cherish this moment for a lifetime. Rusty Duritz: How old are you? Russ Duritz: Forty. In a couple days. Rusty Duritz: That is old! I'm turning eight. In a couple days. Russ Duritz: Eight. You're eight. I'm eight. Rusty Duritz: This is scary. Russ Duritz: No. This is hilarious. Rusty Duritz: So, I'm forty, I'm not married, I don't fly jets, and I don't have a dog? I grow up to be a loser. [Seeing that Russ and Rusty are the same person] Amy: I wish I was standing on a carpet. [faints] Russ Duritz: There's safety in sandwiches. Russ Duritz: Look at him. It's so embarrassing. Amy: You're not embarrassing. You're adorable... then. You're adorable then. Rusty Duritz: When do I learn how to drive? Russ Duritz: When you're sixteen. Rusty Duritz: When do I get a car? Russ Duritz: When you're eighteen. Rusty Duritz: When do I get a hickey? Russ Duritz: [smile] When you're seventeen. Rusty Duritz: When do I find out what a hickey is? Russ Duritz: Not tonight. Rusty Duritz: Holy smokes... 99 channels and there's nothing on! Russ Duritz: Toshiya, let me ask you something. If you get called a jerk four times in a single day, does that make it true? Amy: What, only four? Did you get up late? Russ Duritz: Excuse me, I'm asking Toshiya. Toshia: Four times is a pattern. It have to be five times to be a fact. Russ Duritz: Thank you. See? There's hope after all. Amy: Jerk. Russ Duritz: Stop biting your nails. Amy: *Nail.* I only bite one. What's it to you, anyway?
: It matters because you work for me. When you bite your nails, you're advertising nervousness and insecurity. Amy: Really? Advertising all that with one little nail? [pushes up her nose at him] Amy: What's this advertise? Russ Duritz: Stop biting. Amy: Leave me alone. I'm advertising terror and bewilderment. [on their way to a meeting] Amy: Wait a minute, wait a minute... Hello. Russ Duritz: Hello... Amy: I haven't seen you in a couple of days, how've you been? Russ Duritz: Fine. Now can we go in? Amy: No. This is the bit where you ask me. Russ Duritz: Amy, we're really late. We don't have time to... Amy: Come on, give it a whirl. Russ Duritz: [bored, condescending] Hi, Amy. How are you doing? Amy: [shrugs] Fine. We're really late. Deirdre Lefever: You thought he was here so you could fix him? It didn't occur to you that it might be the other way around? Russ Duritz: ...Not until recently, no. Deirdre Lefever: Well, let's take stock of your life. You're turning forty tomorrow, and you haven't acquired a single thing of real value in your life, and no, money doesn't count. You never see your family, you're virtually friendless, and you've just lost the only woman who means anything to you. Russ Duritz: Amy? Oh, come on, she's not... we work together, that's all. She's neurotic! She bites her nails... well, one nail. [holds up his finger] Russ Duritz: This one. [realizes] Russ Duritz: Oh, my God... Deirdre Lefever: [to the waitress] While he's getting a clue, could I get a warm-up, please? [Russ has been talking to Janet on his headset all the way into the building; now he gets off the elevator and walks up to her desk, still talking into his headset] Janet: Take your phone off now, you're with a human being. Russ Duritz: [looking at Rusty] Doesn't the fact that I'm a pathetic dweeb make you despise me? Amy: No. Why? Do you despise you? [Russ calls Janet to meet him in the building's garage; when she arrives, he steps out from behind the dumpster, where he has been hiding] Janet: I'm not throwing your dismembered enemies' bodies into the dumpster.