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Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I'm like King Midas in reverse. Everything I touch turns to shit.
Carmela Soprano:
You know, Ma, your son loves you very much. He worries all the time. And he felt bad that you didn't come to the open house. I don't care if you think it's disrespectful, but I want you to cut the drama. It's killing Tony.
Livia Soprano:
What are you talking about?
Carmela Soprano:
I'm talking about this. This "poor mother, nobody loves me" victim crap. It is textbook manipulation. And I hate seeing Tony so upset over it. I know how to talk to people. I am a mother too, don't forget. You know the power that you have. And you use it like a pro.
Livia Soprano:
Power? What power? I don't have power. I'm a shut-in.
Carmela Soprano:
You're bigger than life. You are his mother. I don't think for one second that you don't know what you're doing to him.
Livia Soprano:
Who me? Me? What did I do?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
You're a wormy cocksucker, you know that?
Phil Leotardo:
Take your fuckin' sorrys and stick 'em in your ass.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You're entitled to shit!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.:
What, no fucking ziti?
[the dean of a college that Meadown is applying to is asking Tony for a 10000$ donation]
Carmela Soprano:
I think you should pay him, Tony.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
No fucking way.
Carmela Soprano:
What, your daughter's future isn't worth 10000 dollars?
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Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.
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:
That's not it. That motherfucker's full of shit. He's shaking me down.
Carmela Soprano:
No, he's not.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Oh, yeah? Who knows more about extortion, me or you?
[Tony can't get a Hasidic jew to give up his restaurant, so he calls Hesh]
Hesh Rabkin:
Yeah.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I'm here with my non-shellfish eating friend. I gotta tell you something, I'm tapped out. This guy won't listen to reason.
Hesh Rabkin:
Didn't I tell you, huh? Didn't I warn you to keep away from those fanatics?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
He's leaving me no options. This guy's willing to go down with the ship like no man I've ever seen.
Hesh Rabkin:
Here's a thought... Maybe he's willing to go to the world to come, but if he's stuck here on this earth, I know one thing that no man wants to go through life without.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
What? Oh. That's a fucking brilliant idea.
Hesh Rabkin:
Make like a mohel, huh? Finish his bris.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Yeah.
[hangs up]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Paulie! Get the bolt cutters from out of the trunk!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
There's an old Italian saying: you fuck up once, you lose two teeth.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
Federal marshals are so far up my ass I can taste Brylcreem.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You got any idea what my life would be worth if certain people found out I checked into a laughing academy?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Are you still taking the lithium?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Lithium, Prozac. When's it gonna end?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
We're trying to give a jolt to your system. Give it a... a little kick-start.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Why don't you kick me in the fuckin' head?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
I know what you're going through must be painful.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
This isn't painful. Getting shot is painful. Getting stabbed in the ribs is painful. This shit isn't painful. It's empty... dead.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Uncle Junior and I, we had our problems with the Business. But I never should have razzed him about eating pussy. This whole war could have been averted. Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this.
Carmela Soprano:
Act like a good Catholic for fifteen fucking minutes. Is that so much to ask?
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Have you ever had a prostate exam?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Are you kidding? I don't let anyone wag their finger in my FACE.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Log off, that "cookies" shit makes me nervous!
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Meadow Soprano
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:
[on the phone] Is dad there?
Carmela Soprano:
He's out back by the grill.
Meadow Soprano:
Burning a cross?
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
How much White Castle did you have?
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
I had none. I swear.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
I can SMELL it.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You're looking good. Looking better.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
Tony, if you're gonna lie to me, tell me there's a broad in the car waiting to tongue my balls.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Hey, You want that, it's a phone call away.
Adriana La Cerva:
I love you, Chris.
Christopher Moltisanti:
You better!
[during the executive card game, Matthew Bevilaqua tries to clean up cheese from Silvo Dante, Silvio goes ballistic]
Silvio Dante:
What the fuck are you doing?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Sil, take it easy.
Silvio Dante:
[turns to Tony] I'm losin' my balls over here! This fucking moron's playing hazel.
[turns back to Matthew]
Silvio Dante:
Get the fuck out of here!
Matthew Bevilaqua:
I was just trying to sweep the cheese away...
Silvio Dante:
Why? Why now? Leave it there.
Matthew Bevilaqua:
I don't know. I was just...
Silvio Dante:
What?
[turns the other guys]
Silvio Dante:
Where do you get these fuckin' idiots, huh? Where do you get them? He's sweeping the cheese, I'm trying to get -
[turns back to Matthew]
Silvio Dante:
[shouts] Leave the fucking cheese there, all right? I love fuckin' cheese at my feet! I stick motherfuckin' provolone in my socks at night, so they smell like your sister's crotch in the morning. Alright? Now leave the fucking cocksucking cheese where it is! Here, here, here.
[he swipes off the cheese on his plate onto the floor]
Silvio Dante:
Go ahead. Have a good time.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[to Chris Moltisanti] You may not love me but you will respect me!
[while playing hearts]
Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiro:
I've eaten more queens than Launcelot.
[Uncle Junior just told Tony he had a mentally handicapped uncle]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I remember my mother and my mother arguing about... something, I don't know. I remember her talking about my father's feeble-minded brother, but I thought she meant you
Christopher Moltisanti:
This is "Scarface", final scene, bazookas under each arm, "say hello to my little friend!"
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
Anthony is a cunt hair away from owning all Northern Jersey - and I am that cunt hair.
Carmela Soprano:
He's
[Tony's]
Carmela Soprano:
a good man. He's a good father.
Dr. Krakower:
You tell me he's a depressed criminal, prone to anger, serially unfaithful. Is that your definition of a good man?... You must trust your initial impulse and consider leaving him. You'll never be able to feel good about yourself. You'll never be able to quell the feelings of guilt and shame that you talked about, so long as you're his accomplice.
Carmela Soprano:
You're wrong about the accomplice part, though.
Dr. Krakower:
You sure?
Carmela Soprano:
All I did was make sure he's got clean clothes in his closet and dinner on his table.
Dr. Krakower:
So "enable" would be a more accurate job description for what you do than "accomplice". My apologies... Take only the children - what's left of them - and go.
Carmela Soprano:
My priest said I should work with him, help him to become a better man.
Dr. Krakower:
How's that going?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I wipe my ass with your feelings.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Ginny Sacrimoni, what she needs is her own zip code.
Gigi Cestone:
Jersey's a small state. She moves in, she could tip it over.
Furio Giunta:
I like a woman you can grab onto something.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
You grab onto Ginny Sacrimoni, your fuckin' hands will disappear!
Silvio Dante:
She's so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
She's so fat, she goes campin', the bears have to hide their food.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
When Ginny hauls ass, she's gotta make two trips.
Gigi Cestone:
Two guys could fuck her at the same time, and *still* never meet!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Those who *want* respect, *give* respect.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
A wrong decision is better than indecision.
Silvio Dante:
You're only as good as your last envelope.
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
To the victor goes the spoils!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Now, get the fuck outta here before I shoved that quotation book up your fat fucking ass!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You wanna talk rules? You wanna talk all that old-school bullshit? Then remember this rule: I am the motherfuckin'-fuckin' one who calls the shots!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
You didn't go to hell. You went to purgatory, my friend.
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[Tony disapproves of Meadow's new boyfriend because he is black]
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Carmela Soprano:
If you want her to be with him, just keep playing the race card. You're gonna drive her right into his arms.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Not if I cut off those arms.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Maybe I should tap into my roots, too. My grandmother was half Indian.
Christopher Moltisanti:
Get the fuck out of here.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
No, it's true. She was in the Fakawee tribe.
Christopher Moltisanti:
Oh, yeah?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Yeah. When they used to get lost in the woods, they stopped and said "Where the Fakawee?"
[Chris and Paulie just botched a hit on a Russian gangster, and are lost in the woods. They call Tony, and get a bad reception]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Listen to me, this guy was a Russian green beret. He was in the ministry of the interior or something. He single-handedly killed 16 Chechen rebels. Be fucking careful.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
All right.
[hangs up]
Christopher Moltisanti:
What did he say?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
He said the guy killed 16 Czechoslovakians, and he was an interior decorator.
Christopher Moltisanti:
Interior decorator? His appartment looked like shit.
[Christopher is stoned]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I called you here, 'cause I got something to tell you. From now on, I'm gonna rely on you more and more, 'cause you're the only one I can fully trust. Syl and Paulie... they're old friends, but you're one thing they're not.
Christopher Moltisanti:
What's that, T?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Blood. You're gonna lead this family into the 21st century.
Christopher Moltisanti:
Well, Tony, technically we're already in the 21st century...
[Tony looks at him, confused]
Christopher Moltisanti:
Forget about it. You won't regret this, T.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Cause, once you're into this family, there's no getting out.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Listen to me, the only reason I did this is because you're my nephew, and I love you. If it were anybody else, they would've gotten that intervention through the back of their fucking head.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
If I were you, I would seriously consider salads!
[Leaves]
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
Why won't you take a look in a mirror, you insensitive fuck!
[a union leader won't go along with one of the Sopranos' schemes. Bobby is sent to fix the situation]
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
How's it going? You're the head of the union aren't you?
Union Leader:
Yeah, I am. Who are you?
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
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Just a casual observer. You know, I've been following the situation, and I gotta tell you, it doesn't make much sense to me. I mean you recently got an offer, for a lot of money. And, if you don't get paid, you can't feed your family. I presume you got a family. I'm a family man myself, and I gotta tell you I'd rather take two shots to the back of the fucking head than not be able to feed my family.
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[makes a gun with his hand and points it to the back of his own head]
Bobby "Bacala" Baccalieri:
One... Two... To the back of the head. You think about that.
[about Christopher]
Richie Aprile:
The attitude on that camel-nose fuck. He ever lays his hand on my niece again I'm gonna tear him apart piece by piece.
Matthew Bevilaqua:
Camel nose! You can't make that shit up.
Richie Aprile:
What the fuck are you talking about? I just did. Did you ever notice he's the only motherfucker who can smoke a cigarette in the rain with his hands tied behind his back? That nose is like a natural canopy.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
If you can quote the rules, then you can obey them.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
How are things?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Good. I had a real good week. Friend of mine's in the hospital. That's never pleasant, but... Otherwise I'm having a good week.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
What's he in for?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
First they thought it was an ulcer. You know, then this and that.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
You worried about him?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Jackie? Jackie's so fucking mean, he'll scare that cancer away.
Christopher Moltisanti:
Adriana, I want you to marry me. I got you a ring, and everything...
[shows her the ring]
Adriana's mother:
There was a robbery at Tiffany's, this morning! I bet you there's pieces of broken glass in it!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Hey, Sil. You remember your first blowjob?
Silvio Dante:
Oh, yeah.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
How long did it take for the guy to come?
Jackie Aprile Jr.:
Tony, please, for my father.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
The warranty on his death certificate expired two weeks ago. Your bullshit expired along with it!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
My god.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
What, your dad never cut off anybody's pinkie?
Carmine 'Little Carmine' Lupertazzi:
The Soprano family has always been a little pushy.
Carmine Lupertazzi:
Family? They're a glorified crew!
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
Whatever they are, Carmine, they make us a lot of money.
Christopher Moltisanti:
Whatever you do, do not engage Silvio in conversation.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
What fucking kind of human being am I, if my own mother wants me dead?
[about DVD players]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I hear there's not as many titles available as on laser.
Brendan Filone:
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There's more coming, though.
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Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
My internist told me the picture's not that different from laser either.
Brendan Filone:
But the sound, way improved.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Good. 'Cause nothing beats popping up some Orville Redenbachers and listening to "men in black".
[Christopher hijacked a truck full of DVD players]
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
For 21 fuckin' years Comley's been putting food on my table, protection money.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Christopher didn't know it was Comley's truck, going in.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
Bullshit.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You want my DVD player? You could watch "Grumpy Old Men".
Jackie Aprile Jr.:
[to a bunch of latinos] Now, go find a Taco Bell, before I pop a cap in your ass!
Silvio Dante:
Chrissie, I hear you're doing good with the gambling.
Christopher Moltisanti:
You kidding me? With the money I made, I could go work at Denny's for the rest of my life.
Silvio Dante:
Yeah, like they would ever hire you.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Hey, Mikey. How's it going?
Mikey Palmice:
Good, Tony. How you doing?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Not bad. How's the boy?
Mikey Palmice:
What boy is that, Tony?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
The one you're sleeping with.
[Christopher just got out of drug rehab]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
So, what step are you at now?
Christopher Moltisanti:
I did all the steps, except for the one where I'm supposed to go around and apoligize to all the people I fucked over when I was using.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
...I think maybe you shouldn't do that one. You know, let sleeping dogs lie.
Christopher Moltisanti:
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Juror #9:
So, let's keep in touch. Call me when your grandson is born.
Female Juror:
When he's born, I wouldn't want to be thinking about you.
[about his father]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
The belt was his favorite child development tool.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
She was very high strung, my mother. Very dramatic. Every night to her was a night at the opera.
[cut to a scene of Tony's youth]
Livia Soprano:
[to Tony] I could stick this fork in your eye!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[about his father] He'd been in prison. He was away when I was a little kid. They told me he was in Montana, being a cowboy.
Ralph Cifaretto:
[to Jackie Jr]
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Your father, god rest his soul, had balls the size of an Irish broad's ass.
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[about a truck hijacking]
Brendan Filone:
Yo, money, we said we'd meet out front. You're not even dressed.
Christopher Moltisanti:
I'm taking a pass.
Brendan Filone:
What? It's Italian suits, Christopher!
Christopher Moltisanti:
There was a time in my life when being with the Tony Soprano crew was all I ever dreamed of. So what am I doing?
Brendan Filone:
Come on, it's 5:
Christopher Moltisanti:
Maybe one reason things are so fucked up in the organization these days is guys running off, not listening to middle management.
Brendan Filone:
Fuck Tony. That's a quote.
Christopher Moltisanti:
We have to stick together, why be in a crew? Why be a gangster?
Brendan Filone:
Hey, coach? Suck my dick.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
[watching 'Curb Your Enthusiasm' starring Larry David, whom he resembles] What am I doing on television?
Christopher Moltisanti:
Gimme one good reason I should not jack this truck.
Brendan Filone:
Hey, don't feel bad. It's Junior's own fault. He gives us no choice except to do it again. Taking that outrageous fuckin' tribute? It's like, not only does he shit on our heads, we're supposed to say "Thanks for the hat".
Mikey Palmice:
[Points a gun to Brendan's head] Hi, Jack. Bye, Jack.
[shoots him]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[to Christopher] You leave Comley Trucking and every other fucking item on this planet that belongs to my uncle Junior, including his hemorrhoid donut, the fuck alone.
Christopher Moltisanti:
In my thoughts, I use the technique of positive visualization.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Why are you making me do this, you fat, fucking, miserable piece of shit?
Christopher Moltisanti:
So, you won't talk about this to anybody?
Black Thug:
I got the mouth of a statue, nigga.
Christopher Moltisanti:
Of course Tony can count on me! When the fuck have I not been there for him 100%?
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero:
Hey, Sil.
Silvio Dante:
What?
Salvatore 'Big Pussy' Bompensiero:
"What". I've been gone a long time. Let me hear it.
Silvio Dante:
[imitates Al Pacino] Just when I thought I was out, THEY PULL ME BACK IN!
[during sex]
Janice Soprano:
How much money did you make today, slut?
Ralph Cifaretto:
$
Janice Soprano:
That's not enough. I'm gonna put you back on the street, bitch!
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Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.
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:
Carmela, there's something I got to confess- What are you doing?
Carmela Soprano:
Getting my wine in position to throw in your damn face!
Silvio Dante:
My daughter got off on this feminist rant. She told me it's demeaning for a girl to be working at the Bing. The fact that these girls make 1500$ a week has no bearing with my principessa.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
I want you to sanction a hit on Ralph Cifaretto.
Carmine Lupertazzi:
Why?
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
He violated my wife's honor.
Carmine Lupertazzi:
He slept with Ginny?
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
No. He insulted her.
Carmine Lupertazzi:
What did he say?
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
Can't you take my word for it?
Carmine Lupertazzi:
Not if you want him clipped over it.
[Three of Tony's capos enter a room angrily]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
I thought I was the only one Junior could make look like that.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
There was a time, Mead, when the Italian people didn't have a lot of options.
Meadow Soprano:
You mean like Mario Cuomo?
[Tony stares at her]
Meadow Soprano:
Sorry.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You know I put food on the table. My father was in it. My uncle was in it. Maybe I was too lazy to think for myself. To consider myself... A rebel. Maybe being a rebel in my family would have been selling patio furniture on route
Joanne Moltisanti:
When you find him, I want him to suffer! You hear me, Sil? I want that mother fucker in agony!
Silvio Dante:
Don't worry. We'll do the best we can.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
You know where I was yesterday when you called?... I was outside a whorehouse, while a guy that works for me was inside beating the shit out of a guy that owes me money. Broke his arm. Put a bullet in his kneecap.
Dr Jennifer Melfi:
How'd that make you feel?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Wished it was me in there.
Dr Jennifer Melfi:
Giving the beating or taking it?
Adriana La Cerva:
Is Tony still actin' all mean?
Christopher Moltisanti:
Fuckin' asshole. Ever since I questioned his judgment on some Ralphie/Jackie jr. problem. Like he's fuckin' infallible, pope Tony the 23rd or some shit.
Carmela Soprano:
I know you better than anybody, Tony, even your friends. Which is probably why you hate me.
Dr. Elliott Kupferberg:
Jennifer, civilization...
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
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Oh, don't worry, I won't break the social compact. But that's not saying... there isn't a certain satisfaction in knowing that I could have that asshole squashed like a bug... if I wanted!
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Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Sil, break it down for 'em. What two business have traditionally been recession-proof since time immemorial?
Silvio Dante:
Certain aspects of show business and our thing.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
So what was the story with Princess Di? Did the Queen have her whacked?
Tony Soprano:
Is everyone in my life fuckin' bananas?
Junior Soprano:
The joint, not like in the old days. Fuckin' animals in there.
Feech La Manna:
It's all about setting the precedent.
Adriana La Cerva:
I'm just worried about you, Christopher. I love you so much.
Christopher Moltisanti:
Well if you love me then stir my eggs, will 'ya?
Tony Blundetto:
What do I find in a pork store? A bunch of guys beating their meat.
Phil Leotardo:
Next time there won't be a next time.
Tony Blundetto:
It's hard to believe. My cousin in the old man's seat.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
It's like "Sun-Tuh-Zoo" says: a good leader is benevolent and unconcerned with fame.
Tony Blundetto:
What?
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
"Sun-Tuh-Zoo". He's Chinese Prince Machiavelli.
Silvio Dante:
"Zoo"! "Zoo"! "Sun-Zoo", you fucking ass-kiss!
Tony Soprano:
Oh, poor baby. What do you want, a Whitman's Sampler?
Ralphie Cifaretto:
Now that you're moving back in, are you going to be humping Tony Soprano's daughter on our couch now?
Jackie Aprile Jr.:
Fuck her! And Tony with his stay-in-school bullshit...
Ralphie Cifaretto:
Yeah, and he's supposed to break the dean's legs 'cuz you're too lazy to read a fuckin' book.
Ralphie Cifaretto:
...and I know I'm the guy who's dating your mom,
Jackie Aprile Jr.:
Dating?
Ralphie Cifaretto:
Don't get fuckin' filthy about it.
Parole Officer:
Is that your garage?
Feech La Manna:
Nah. It's where I make my weapons of mass destruction.
Christopher Moltisanti:
What do you have to be stressed about? That bar?
Adriana La Cerva:
War, Christopher? The Middle East.
Christopher Moltisanti:
You don't listen to the president? We're gonna mop the floor with the whole fuckin' world. The whole world's gonna be under our control. So what are you worked up about?
[Johnny Sack wants to kill Ralph Cifaretto who made an insensitive comment about John's wife's weight]
Christopher Moltisanti:
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Maybe "Vesuvio" is bugged and it's Feds who told Johnny.
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Silvio Dante:
What, conspiracy theories now?
Christopher Moltisanti:
Why not? Play captains against each other, create a little dissentery among the ranks?
Tony Soprano:
First of all, the place is swiped for bugs twice a month. Second, there are much more interesting things being said at that place than Ginny Sack's fat ass!
Carmela Soprano:
Tony, these kids need a father!
Tony Soprano:
They got one, Tony Soprano!
Feech La Manna:
What's yours is your Pauly, but what ain't, belongs to anybody else.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Oh, what do you know about what belongs to who? You been in prison for twenty years.
Feech La Manna:
Which entitles me to earn!
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
Which entitles you to shit! In my book, you get points for staying out.
Feech La Manna:
Then it's a good thing, Paulie, that your book doesn't mean oogatz to me!
Christopher:
Fear knocked on the door. Faith answered. There was no one there.
Feech La Manna:
In my day...
Tony Soprano:
That's another thing. I don't want to hear anymore how it was in your day. From now on, keep your antidotes to local color, like Dinoflow or Maguire sisters. Otherwise, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
[after brutally strangling one of his former comrades]
Tony Soprano:
Whoever did this, it deserved to happen a long time ago.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
What was it like sitting sitting there with Fran?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
It was a little weird at first. Here I am comforting my father's mistress, my mother's lyin' there dead.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Are you attracted to her?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Come on, she's old enough to be my mother.
[Dr. Melfi shrugs her head]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Oh, Jesus Christ, it's an expression. Don't cream yourself. I do not want to fuck my mother! You should have seen her in her housedress with that hairnet. This conversation would be over in two seconds.
Eugene Pontecorvo:
The only thing I ever found in the street was my first wife.
Mikey Palmice:
Junior Soprano's the new boss and he ain't respectin' old arrangements.
Johnny Sack:
Phil treats nickels like manhole covers.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
It's like taking a shit.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Ok. I actually like to think about it as a childbirth.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Trust me. It's like taking a shit.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
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Look, maybe I am wrong, but you have really changed since the old man died. First, Lorraine Caluzzo. Then you sink this idiot's boat. This not John I knew.
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Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
You're late!
Ralph Cifaretto:
Well, at least I can always be on time tomorrow, but you'll be stupid forever.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Vito, you did tell the police you didn't know who did this, right?
Vito Spatafore:
Please. I may be distressed, but I know how to keep my mouth shut.
Ralph Cifaretto:
Unless there's a big tuna sandwich around!
Ralph Cifaretto:
I oughta stick a shiskabbab up your ass!
Angelo Garepe:
Rusty, I think he bangs his wife in installments.
Lorraine Calluzzo:
No! Please! I'll suck your cock! All your cocks!
Phil Leotardo:
Suck our cocks?
Lorraine Calluzzo:
Yeah.
Phil Leotardo:
[to her son] She any good?... What am I askin' *you* for? You probably showed her how.
Annette Bening:
There is something bugsy about him.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Where the fuck have you been? You're late!
Christopher:
Sorry, the highway was jammed with broken heroes on a last-chance power drive.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
[showing early stages of dementia] What are you asking him for? He never had what it took to be a varsity athlete.
Angelo Garepe:
[confused] Your point being Junior?
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[covering for him] Don't mind him, he's just breakin' balls.
Janice Soprano:
[Tony has just stormed out on a Sunday dinner] Uncle Jun, was that really necessary?
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
He's a Goddammned hothouse flower, that's his problem.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[Richie has run over Beansie with his car] I thought I told you to back off Beansie!
Richie Aprile:
I did. Then I put it in Drive.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
End of story.
John 'Johnny Sack' Sacrimoni:
[to Tony Soprano] I will rain a storm down on you and your family like you have never seen.
FBI agent:
We've had every one of Tony Soprano's phones bugged for four years, but the guy says less than Harpo Marx.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
When you're married, you'll understand the importance of fresh produce!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
It wasn't like it was friggin' Cobain! It was just a little suicidal gesture, that's all.
'Little' Carmine Lupertazzi Jr.
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:
The fundamental question is, will I be as effective as a boss like my dad was? And I will be, even more so? But until I am, it's going to be hard to verify that I think I'll be more effective.
Christopher:
Like you were ever in Paris.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
I went for a blow job. Your mom was working the bon-bon concession at the Eiffel Tower.
Paulie 'Walnuts' Gualtieri:
[turns to Silvio Dante and repeats] So, hear what I said to him? I told him I went over for a blow job. Your mom was working the bon-bon concession at the Eiffel Tower.
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
[to a friend, about men] Sure. You want someone who's sensitive to your needs, but still decisive enough for the occasional grope in the closet.
Fran Felstein:
I was sorry to hear about your mother.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Least she didn't suffer.
[pause]
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
She made all of us suffer instead.
Corrado Erico 'Uncle Junior' Soprano:
We go way back to when Moses wore short pants.
Tony Blundetto:
To think, when I got out of the joint, I thought an airbag was Paulie Walnuts!
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[to Silvio] All due respect, you got no fuckin' idea what it's like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fuckin' thing. It's too much to deal with almost. And in the end you're completely alone with it all.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
[having Sunday dinner, Tony is upset by a remark by Uncle Junior] Get your coat! We're leaving!
Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.:
I don't have a coat.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Well, then get moving, goddamn it!
Dr. Jennifer Melfi:
Lets get back to Pie-O-My, its sad that you lost something you loved. That being said, it is a horse.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
What the fuck's the matter with you?
Adriana La Cerva:
They broke my fuckin' chair.
Livia Soprano:
[at the dinner table talking about AJ's behavior] Oh his father was the same way. I practically LIVED in that vice principal's office.
Anthony 'Tony' Soprano Sr.:
Could we not?
Livia Soprano:
Oh well you only remember what you want to remember. I must have had another son who stole a car when he was ten years old.
[pause]
Livia Soprano:
Yeah, he could barely see over the steering wheel.
Adriana La Cerva:
Ralph was asking if Tony was at the club, why is he gonna be?
Christopher:
You don't know what this guy did for me.
Adriana La Cerva:
Yeah I do.
Christopher:
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Not just getting my stripes, something I can't talk about. Something that was ruining my whole life and he made it right. For what I owe him, I would follow that man into hell.
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