Nathan: I'm doing it, I'm really doing it! Nathan: You're straight, you don't know anything Donna: I'm black. And I'm a girl. Try that for a week. [Mimicking "Titanic."] Stuart Alan Jones: I'm the king of the world! Vince: I'm always Kate Winslet! Vince Tyler: [quoting an episode of "Doctor Who"] Unrequited love. It's fantastic, 'cause it never has to change, it never has to grow up and it never has to die! [Discussing the new baby's name] Stuart Alan Jones: Vince, run a check on "Alfred." Vince Tyler: Alf Roberts; "Alfie," Michael Caine; "Alf," that American sitcom with the puppet - bit dodgy, but that's forgotten by the time he's in school, unless it's on cable... bet they've got it on Bravo. Oh... Alfred's the name of Batman's butler! Marvelous. Good name! [Roy has just rammed Stuart's car after spotting him kissing his son] Stuart Alan Jones: What the fuck are you doing? Roy Maloney: Fifteen! That boy is fifteen! Stuart Alan Jones: So? The car is only six months old and you've still buggered it. Vince Tyler: [on straight bars] Can you believe it, they have toilets where no-ones ever had sex! [as Romy and company arrive] Bernard: We've got lesbians! Alexander: He's here, he's queer, I'm buying him a beer! Stuart Alan Jones: It's the exact opposite of child-birth, first you have the baby and then you get fucked. Nathan: I'm fucking Mozart! Stuart Alan Jones: Where are you going? Vince Tyler: You've copped off! Stuart Alan Jones: I'm just getting his phone number, that's all! Phil Delaney: What did you do - swallow it? Stuart Alan Jones:
He's a calendar, that kid, he's a clock, a great big stopwatch, staring me in the face. Cos he gets older. That's all he can do. Do you know what that means? I'm getting older. Look at me, is that old? That's not old. Can't get rid of him, twenty years time he'll still be there. Mind you they don't always live, meningitis - that's a good one!
Romey Sullivan: [on answerphone] Now, Stuart, don't panic. I'm in hospital, it's half past six Thursday night, the contractions have started, it's not a false alarm but don't worry ... Stuart Alan Jones: Fuck, I've got a baby! Hazel Tyler: [on phone] Oh, and get some Weetabix Vince Tyler: Thought your breakfast was twenty Bensons. Hazel Tyler: It's for little Lord Fauntleroy. Vince Tyler: I'm not shopping for him! What else does he want? Angel Delight? Party Rings? Nappies? Hazel Tyler: And give me the big box of Surg, I've got double the laundry. It's all bed sheets, I'd forgotten how much teenage boys masturbate. Vince Tyler: Mum! Hazel Tyler: Stiff as a board! Bernard: Hazel, don't wash 'em, I'll have 'em! Hazel Tyler: Bernie said don't wash 'em, he'll have 'em Vince Tyler: It's like an 0898 number! Alexander: What's the Japanese for slut? Stuart Alan Jones: Right do you want sex? Suppose I owe you a favour, come on then. Nathan: I didn't do it for a shag. Stuart Alan Jones: Nathan, that's all I've got to offer. Nathan: How many men have had sex in here? Stuart Alan Jones: 27 million. Alexander: Right, shut your noise, bit of hush! Vince, sit down, it's time for the presents. And if anyone's got him a Jeff Stryker cock and balls you're getting booted out, that's so unoriginal. Stuart Alan Jones: Right, Nathan we're off. It's all getting a bit lesbian in here. Nathan: I'm still going out though, to The Village. Roy Maloney: Not on school nights. Nathan: And I'm not going to change, you know that, don't you? Cos it's not a phase, I'm not growing out of it. I'm going to be gay forever. Roy Maloney: You've made up your mind, and it's obvious there's no stopping you. It's Helen I'm worried about, she's ten years old, she's a child. I don't want her head filled with notions. Nathan: Like what? Roy Maloney: As far as Helen is concerned, the anus is for shit. Got that? Stuart Alan Jones: My world's so fucking huge! Vince: And I can't be the best shag he's ever had. He's Australian!