Judge: Emma, Victoria, Melvin C., Melvin B., Geri. You've been charged with releasing a single that is by no means as kicking as your previous records. Nor does it have such a phat bass line. You are sentenced to having your next record enter the charts at 171 and having it fall completely out the following week. [bangs the gavel] Judge: Call Gary Barlow! Kevin McMaxford: Something's happening to me. What is it? Brian: You're smiling, sir. The Chief: When the rabbit of chaos is pursued by the ferret of disorder through the fields of anarchy, it is time to hang your pants on the hook of darkness. Whether they're clean or not. Posh: It's always the same. I never know what to wear. Sporty: It must be so hard for you, Victoria. I mean, having to decide whether to wear the little Gucci dress, the little Gucci dress, or... the little Gucci dress! Posh: Exactly. Baby: I know, why don't you wear the little Gucci dress? Posh: Good idea. Thanks, Em. [Geri and Mel B are playing chess on the Spice Bus] Ginger Spice: Check! Scary Spice: What d'you mean "check"? Ginger Spice: I mean, check; my bishop's got your king. Scary Spice: Where? Ginger Spice: There! You've either got to move it in front, or move it out of the way. Scary Spice: Well I'll move that fairground horse to there. Sort that out! Ginger Spice: You can't *do* that! Scary Spice: Sez who? Ginger Spice: Says Mr. Chess! It's been in the rules for thousands of years! Scary Spice: Well I'm gonna break the rules and set this little fairground horse free amonst all these little square fields, like that. There! Ginger Spice: I'm gonna slap you in a minute! Clifford: They're hot, Chief! They've got fire in their eyes, hunger in their bellies... and great big shoes on their feet! Martin Barnfield: We're cookin' here. This is a stew, a gumbo... a jambalaya, if you will... we're just jammin'. Ginger Spice: Boys, boys! Calm down! Haven't you ever heard of the word "compromisation"? Emma: But we can't dance like that. Mr. Step: I know. I've seen your videos! Hahahahahaha! Emma: You know, I'm always gonna be known as Baby Spice, even when I'm... 30! Posh: You love it really Emma, you you play up to it all the time. Emma: No I don't! Posh: Yes you do.You're doing it now. Emma: No I'm not! Clifford: You don't have a life. You have a schedule. Clifford: [after they have a fall into the Themes] Look at this - front page news again. Suppose the whole ot you had been drowned? Scary Spice: Well we werent though, were we? Posh: Speak for yourself Clifford: What do you think you were doing? Scary Spice: We were just having fun! Clifford: Fun? Baby: Yeah fun, you know like, HAHAHAHA-HA! Sporty: Look Clifford, we're old enough to take care of our own lives, you know what I mean? Clifford: You don't have a life - you have a schedule. You are part of a well oiled global machine. There are people everywhere working their *butts* off for you, people like Debra her Deborah: Er, can you leave my butt out of this? [Clifford signals an ok sign] Sporty: Oh just don't be so uptight! Clifford: Uptight? UPTIGHT? You've got a live gig here tomorrow. My job is tpo see that you show up. MY BUM IS ON THE LINE HERE! Posh: Can we PLEASE leave *butts* and *bums* out of this, for one moment? Sporty: Look, Clifford, some things are more important than gigs you know! Clifford: Like what? Ginger Spice: Like self respect, and our freedom for a START! Baby: Yeah, and friendship! Clifford: So what are you saying? Yoiu dont want to show up here tomorrow night? Ginger Spice: Well, maybe we *don't*! Baby: What did you just say that for> Ginger Spice: I dont know, I just sai dit Scary Spice: Listen you, it's up to us whether we turn up here tomorrow or not, all right? Clifford: Fine! Stay at home! Thta's fine! Scary Spice: Fine! Sporty: Well what about the fans we can't let them down? Deborah: He didn't mean that! Clifford: [defiantly] Oh, *didn't* I? Baby: [Tearfully]
Look, can we please stop arguing?
Posh: When you know exactly what we're supposed to be doing. Will somebody please let *me* know? [she storms off] Scary Spice: [Angrily] Oh great, Clifford! Now look what you've gone and done! Clifford: Well, that's just too bad! Scary Spice: Well yeahj it is too bad cos you know what? I'm going home now, see ya! [follows Victoria] Clifford: Bye! Baby: Look can we stop all this, this is doing my head in? [exits] Sporty: [follows her bandmate in concern] Sporty: Emma! [runs after her] Sporty: [a long oause ensues, and only Geri is left] Ginger Spice: I hope you know what you're doing, cos if you're looking for a fight. you're gonna lose! [the Spice Girls have al just stormed out after a huge row about an incident where they ran off with two competition winners and several of them fall into the River Thames] Clifford: So what do you think? No I don't want to hear what you think? [pauses] Clifford: *What* do you think? Deborah: I think you have definitely, definitely lost Clifford: I think I may have just started the breakup of the Spice Girls Clifford: [as Deborah stalks off] AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHH! Chief: The headless chicken can only know where he's been. He can't see where he's going. Martin Barnfield: Act? Did anyone care if Marilyn Monroe could act? All they cared was, "Was she in focus?" Posh: Help! Sporty: What? What? Posh: This dress is dry clean only, Melanie! [Posh is having trouble driving the Spice Bus] Posh: Bloody Sunday drivers! It's only Saturday! Musical Director: Okay, girls, that was absolutely perfect without... really being any good at all. Spice Girls: We're the Spice Girls, yes indeed. Just Girl Power is all we need. We know how we got this far... Ginger Spice: Strength and courage and a Wonderbra! Spice Girls: Would this work with only one? Baby: Just with me I have no fun. Spice Girls: Would this work with only two? Scary Spice: We need more for what we do. Spice Girls: Would this work with only three? Sporty: Three's a crowd, bad company. Spice Girls: Would this work with only four? Posh: No way, girl, we need one more! Spice Girls:
Listen up, take my advice - we need five for the power of Spice. Give it up, give it out, take a stand, scream and shout! One, two, three, four, five - Spice Girls!