advertisement Ally McBeal: There's no sin in loving men. Only pain! Ally McBeal: We're not only wired to want what we can't have, but we're also wired to want what we really don't want. Ally McBeal: You only die once! Ally McBeal: When guys are persistent, it's romantic, they make movies about that. If it's a woman, then they cast Glenn Close. Billy: Why do therapists always have to talk about sex? Dr. Hooper: What can I say, Freud was a perv. Ally McBeal: Law and love are the same - romantic in concept but the actual practice can give you a yeast infection. Ally McBeal: I'm trying to desensitize myself to murder so I can be a better lawyer. Billy: Why don't you just watch the news? John "The Biscuit" Cage: Let's not forget that Lizzie Borden was found innocent of killing her parents. Richard Fish: Oh, she did it; the jury just took pity on her for being an orphan. Ally McBeal: I like being a mess. It's who I am. Richard Fish: You're not who you are, you're only what other people think you are. Fishism. [a judge has just denied his motion] Richard Fish: Let the record show: dammit. Nelle Porter: You having fun with this case? Ling Woo: It's okay. I prefer being a plaintiff, but a defendant's nice too. I get a martyr glow. Ally McBeal: I've been dumped before, Renee. This isn't pain I'm feeling, it's nostalgia. Judge Jennifer "Whipper" Cone: No, I don't think you're nuts, but I don't think that you have both feet on the ground either. Ally McBeal: You mean some people do? Renée Radick: People think you're strange, you know. Just, just sit there and don't talk. John "The Biscuit" Cage: I am an enigma. Renée Radick: You're a cute little enigma. Renée Radick: Well, don't get me wrong, Ally... Ally McBeal: Why does everyone say that to me? Do I get everything wrong? Renée Radick: No, it's just that what I am about to say may sound like an insult, so I want to buffer it. Ally McBeal: Oh, okay. Renée Radick: Emotionally, you're an idiot. Ally McBeal: I mean, with all due respect, you sort of walk around with uppity breasts, and the hair flips aren't the most subtle. And your perfume - you could be flammable. Now what if somebody shut you down as a safety hazard, how would you feel then? Elaine Vassal: That was with all due respect? Elaine Vassal: A lot of people forget what they're saying in a fit of rage, so I'll be happy to take the minutes. Elaine Vassal: Ally's depressed about her birthday. I know, I've been listening in on her phone calls. Elaine Vassal: I'd call her a tramp, were I one to judge. Ally McBeal: Yes, were you one. Elaine Vassal: Sometimes she just *looks* snappish. Elaine Vassal: Snappish! [about Santa Claus] John "The Biscuit" Cage: A fat man, trying to squeeze through a narrow chimney, and I taunt him with Oreos and whole milk. [Ally's psychiatrist plays a tape of people laughing] Dr. Tracy Clark: Sometimes when a patient says something so competely naive, I find that my own laughter just isn't enough. Elaine Vassal: She's two-thirds of a Rice Krispie treat. She's already snapped, and crackled, and she's ready for the final pop. Richard Fish: Is that the two cents? I'd be looking for change. Georgia Thomas: Well, by all means let's hear your opinion, Richard. Richard Fish: Simple. Men and women. Friction. Georgia Thomas: That's it? Friction? Richard Fish: Friction, friction, friction, orgasm. Fishism. Are we going to dance or not? Ally McBeal: Even if I did get past all my problems, I'm just gonna get out and get new ones. Ally McBeal: Remember, when you're with me, it's the only time you're not the strangest person in the room. So go ahead, get weird with me. Elaine Vassal: In a pinch, I sometimes allude to not wearing any underwear. Ally McBeal: I won't be in that pinch. Georgia Thomas: Ally, what makes your problems so much bigger than everybody else's? Ally McBeal: They're mine. Ally McBeal: We're women. We have a double standard to live up to. Rabbi Stern: Are you always such a bitchy little thing? Ally McBeal: Bitchy? Rabbi Stern: Coming in here, insulting the Talmud, insulting me! Ally McBeal: What kind of rabbi calls somebody bitchy? Rabbi Stern: I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Ally McBeal: 'Cause I'm bitchy? God has no love for the bitchy? Rabbi Stern: Get out. Ally McBeal: I am good in bed, Renee. [Renee laughs] Ally McBeal: What? Renée Radick: Ally, I'm your roommate. We have thin walls, and you... [Renee imitates small whining noises] Ally McBeal: I don't sound like that. Renée Radick: I make more noise breaking in a new shoe. Ally McBeal: So how has it come to this? We're smart women, we're fairly attractive... Renée Radick: I'm even hot. Richard Fish: She told her that you told her about what she told you. I'm in the middle and clueless. I feel like Elaine. Elaine Vassal: I'm sure she's quite stupid, and in time, gravity will get her. John "The Biscuit" Cage: The world is no longer a romantic place. Some of its people still are however, and therein lies the promise. Don't let the world win, Ally McBeal. Greg: You kicked him? Ally McBeal: I didn't know he was real; I thought he was pretend. Greg: You only kick pretend people? Ally McBeal: [pause] Yes. Elaine Vassal: That was a snappish remark disguised in a soft tone. Ally McBeal: Maybe I'm happy and I just don't know it. Ally McBeal: The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it. Ally McBeal: You loved me. Billy: Yeah. That's the truth. So much that sometimes, when we were apart, we used to keep an open phone line at night so while sleeping I could listen to your breath. Richard Fish: "Problem" is just a bleak word for challenge. Ally McBeal: Sometimes... there's no point in the truth if the only thing it will do is cause pain. Ally McBeal: The idea that when people come together, they stay together. I have to take that with me when I'm going to bed at night, Even if I'm going to bed alone. Ally McBeal: Men are like gum anyway - after you chew they lose their flavor. Richard Fish: Everybody's alone. It's just easier to take in a relationship. Richard Fish: Helping others is never more rewarding than when it's in your own self interest. Richard Fish: Let me tell you something. I didn't become a lawyer because I like the law; the law sucks. It's boring, but it can also be used as a weapon. You want to bankrupt somebody? Cost him everything he's worked for? Make his wife leave him, even make his kids cry? Yeah, we can do that. Ally McBeal: Sometimes I'm more persuasive when I lack conviction. Ally McBeal: Uh, let the record reflect that the deponent is a fat, arrogant, overweight, bald pig. Richard Fish: Make enough money, and everything else will follow. Quote me. That's a Fishism. Elaine Vassal: Oh, forgive my bluntness. It's a device I use to cope. Ally McBeal: Whenever I get depressed, I raise my hemlines. If things don't change, I am bound to be arrested. Richard Fish: You know, I had a great aunt once who said if you stare at a beautiful woman too long, you turn to stone. She was partially right. Ally McBeal: [about Billy] He wants to have his cake and not eat me. Ally McBeal: A thigh seemed innocent as parts go. Ally McBeal: Hi! I'm Ally McBeal, homewrecker. Here's my card. Georgia Thomas: I already have it, thanks. Ling Woo: I am really a very funny person. Dr. Tracy Clark: You kissed him? You're a slut! Ally McBeal: I... I am not! I am not a slut! Dr. Tracy Clark: Oh, come on! Don't fool yourself! Ling Woo: It's a problem being beautiful. It's only the handsome men that ask us out because they're the only ones who think they have a chance. And handsome men are dolts. Life is unfair to us. At some point we have to face the certain reality: despite all the good the world seems to offer, true happiness can only be found in one thing - shopping. [on Elaine] Ling Woo: This woman drips with sarcasm at my personal expense. Nelle Porter: Ling, one of the disadvantages of having magnetism is that you bring people out, people that otherwise would go unnoticed. The fact that she can be so annoying is really a tribute to you! Ling Woo: Nelle is like a sister; when she's in pain, I throw up! John "The Biscuit" Cage: [to Nelle] I'd sooner puke my intestines and snorkel in them than see you naked. Ling Woo: I'm rich. I only go into work to wear my outfits! John "The Biscuit" Cage: I'm not going through an odd phase, I really am odd. Ally McBeal: Wow... I have a boyfriend. [Watches Nelle Porter unpin her bun and shake out her long, beautiful blonde hair] Ally McBeal: It's official: I HATE her! Ally McBeal: Love isn't always enough. Larry: Yeah, it is. You go without it long enough and you realize it's everything. Renée Radick: A penis is not a share toy. Ally McBeal: Here I am, the victim of my own choices. And I'm just starting. Georgia Thomas: At the end of the day, life is just this big wall of reality that we all crash into. John "The Biscuit" Cage: Have no fear, Nelle, that girl is a bagel! Nelle Porter: Bagel? John "The Biscuit" Cage: [pauses] I meant to say 'toast.' Ally McBeal: Maybe I'll share my life with somebody... maybe not. But the truth is, when I think back of my loneliest moments, there was usually somebody sitting there next to me. Ling Woo: So Jackson Duper, you don't tell a woman your real name? Jackson Duper: Hey, for all I knew... Ling Woo: You knew me well enough to go to bed with me. Jackson Duper: Look... Ling Woo: Why the alias? You wanted? Jackson Duper: No. Ling Woo: Certainly not by me. Jackson Duper: Excellent. Do I get to talk? Ling Woo: Fine. Quick, think up something. Jackson Duper: Look... Ling Woo: We're back to look. Jackson Duper: Hey... Ling Woo: We're back to hey. Jackson Duper: Ling... Ling Woo: How do you know my real name? Oh that's right, I *gave* it to you. What an odd thing to do. [Ally is outraged when Ling convinces a dying boy that he could sue God] Ling Woo: Do you know how his father died? Ally McBeal: No. Do you? Ling Woo: Yes, I overheard the nurses talking. He was crushed by a tree that was struck by lightning. THAT was an act of God, so we go after the Church, HOUSE of God. I need to pee. [exits] Ally McBeal: Where does she come up with these things? Nelle Porter: Well, Ling wasn't editor of law review for nothing. Ally McBeal: Ling went to Law School? Ling is a LAWYER? Liza Bump: [to Nelle Porter] Do you talk, or do I have to pull a string? Richard Fish: [defending a client for attempted murder] Adrenaline can be like a drug, can't it, Dr. Burns? Ever know adrenaline to work on the brain like a drug? Dr. Burns: Certainly, but... Richard Fish: Thank you. And in your career as a doctor, have you ever been - um, how do I say this - uh, wrong? Dr. Burns: Wrong? Richard Fish: Yes. In all your years and many diagnoses, have you ever been wrong? Dr. Burns: Of course, but... I'm *not* wrong *here*. Richard Fish: You're a doctor who's been wrong, right? Dr. Burns: I am not wrong *here*. Richard Fish: But you've been wrong, yes or no? Dr. Burns: I already said yes, I have been wrong on some occasions. Richard Fish: And on those occasions when you've been wrong, did you know it at the time? Dr. Burns: [long pause] No. Cindy McCauliff: My penis makes you nervous. Judge Dennis 'Happy' Boyle: Members of the jury, our witness has a small piece of spinach caught in an incisor. Now, when oral decay starts to build up between the tooth and the gum, bacteria starts to build colonies. Even the most nutritious vegetable can turn into Vietnam. [Ally, Georgia, and Billy arguing with Richard] Richard Fish: Hold on! Quiet! Let me ignore you one at a time. Ally McBeal: [on her wardrobe] Men are constantly trying to mentally un-dress me. I'm just trying to save them some time, that's all. Richard Fish: John? John, y- you got the biggest booger. Oh, sorry, it's a frog. Bygones. John "The Biscuit" Cage: Men lie to get women into bed. Women lie to get men into matrimony. Those are the simple facts of life. [explaining his remote control toilet flusher] John "The Biscuit" Cage: Sometimes people leave in haste, forget to flush. Other times, there are residual remnants. I like a fresh bowl. John "The Biscuit" Cage: My regularity's easily thrown. Unclean bowls... trouble me. John "The Biscuit" Cage: I like a fresh bowl and remnants upset me. John "The Biscuit" Cage: Love. We all want it. Don't all get it. I remember telling my mother in high school I wanted to wait for the perfect girl. And she replied, "Idiot! Even if you found her, she might be holding out for the perfect man." She also said I wouldn't recognize love unless it bonked me on the head. And I retorted, "Well, why don't you come along with me, mom, and if you see love, you hit me on the head so I'll know." It was difficult as a young man taking my mother on dates. And then, one night, not a date night, but just one evening, I turned to my mom and, as i looked into her eyes, I could see... she was dead. She'd passed on quietly from an aneurysm, right there at the table. All she said was, "Ip." Sitting in a chair: a quiet little "Ip". It was her request to have her last words put on her tombstone. And I see people at the cemetery snickering when they read: "Joanna Cage. Beloved Mother. Ip." I miss my mother. Even though she's not here... I know she's still with me, smiling down on me... hoping I'll find love. Renée Radick: Snow White. Cinderella. All about gettin' a guy. Being saved by the guy. Today it's the Little Mermaid, Aladdin, Pocahontas. All about gettin' a guy. Ally McBeal: So basically we're screwed up because of... Renée Radick: Disney. [catch-phrases] John "The Biscuit" Cage: I'm fraught. John "The Biscuit" Cage: I need to take a moment. John "The Biscuit" Cage: Unacceptable! John "The Biscuit" Cage: Repugnant! John "The Biscuit" Cage: Balls! John "The Biscuit" Cage: That disparaged me. John "The Biscuit" Cage: I will not stand to be disparaged. John "The Biscuit" Cage: I'm troubled. John "The Biscuit" Cage: I'm drawn to her. [catch-phrases] Richard Fish: Bygones. Richard Fish: Fishism. Richard Fish: Vulgarism. Richard Fish: Bugger. Richard Fish: Ouch! Richard Fish: Kidding. Richard Fish: No biggie. Raymond Millbury: [to Elaine] You're cute, in a slutty way. Billy: Will you ever forgive my letting go? Ally McBeal: I'll forgive it. But I'm still not sure I'll ever understand it. Richard Fish: There's no rule that says you have to wake up. Ally McBeal: Sometimes... when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing. Ally McBeal: I can't believe my life. One minute it's going okay, I mean... as okay as my life can get, then the gong knocks me completely off my feet. Ally McBeal: Looking backwards, many of the saddest times in my life turn out to be the happiest. So I must be happy now. Yeah. This is gonna be good. Why else would I be crying? Ally McBeal: You've seen me dance. Now watch me fornicate.