advertisement Wakko: Why does Mr. Plotz want to see me? Dr. Scratchensniff: Because you ate his conference table, Wakko. Wakko: But I was HUNGRY. [Wakko & Scratchensniff are trapped in an elevator] Wakko: Wanna hear a knock-knock joke? Dr. Scratchensniff: Ok. Wakko: Knock-knock. Dr. Scratchensniff: Who's there? Wakko: Max. Dr. Scratchensniff: Max who? Wakko: Max wants to come in an' go crazy. Dr. Scratchensniff: See, that's not funny because it's not really a joke. Wakko: It is if you know Max. Dr. Scratchensniff: But I DON'T know Max. Wakko: If you did you'd be laughin'. Wakko: I think we deserve a spanking, right on our fanny. Dot: Boys. Go fig. Dot: I'm going to hurt my brother badly. Dot: Oh, oh, my heart aches with the sorrow of a thousand scouts. No merit badge. I mourn my loss. Yakko: Say, those acting classes are really paying off. Dot: Oh, oh, my heart aches with the sorrow of a thousand scouts! No merit badge. I mourn my loss. Yakko: Say, those acting classes are really paying off! Yakko Warner: We protest you calling us "little kids". We prefer to be called "vertically-impaired pre-adults". Yakko: We'd love to stay here and count our brain cells as they die one-by-one. Dot: But we can't. Ned Flat: Why are you acting like this? Yakko: We're not acting. We really are like this. Mr. Director: Hoyl! How'd you... with the going... you were there... but here now... you are... for me to see... how'd you do... Yakko: You understand any of that? Wakko: I think he said: "Hoyl! How'd you... with the going... you were there... but here now... you are... for me to see... how'd you do... Yakko: Thanks for clearing that up. Yakko Warner: Wait a minute. You expect us poor, innocent children to climb up dangerous scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church? Warners: We'll do it! Arch Bishop: King Yakko, your throne. Wakko Warner: The throne? How do you lift the lid? Dot: Since when do *you* lift the lid? Dot: Nice decorating. Let me guess, Satan? Satan: And now prepare to suffer indescribable torment. Yakko: Another Bob Hope special? Yakko: Wait a minute. You expect us poor, innocent children to climb up dangerous scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church? Wakko, Yakko, Dot: We'll do it. Yakko: But we're not doing it for art. We're not doing it for the sake of money. No! We're doing it because we love painting naked people. Ivan Bloski: Shhh. Shhh. Do you know what that means? Yakko: You got a slow leak? Wakko: Hey, mister, what's this? Ivan Bloski: A vomit bag. Wakko: Ah, poo. I got gypped. There's none in here. Yakko: Did you call for the bravest, most daring knight in all the land? King Arthur: Oh, yes. Yakko: Well, too bad. You got us. Yakko: We protest you calling us little kids. We prefer to be called vertically-impaired pre-adults. Wakko, Yakko, Dot: Be afraid. Be very afraid. Yakko: Don't worry, siblings. We'll sell that nice man a box of cookies, or die trying. Or try dying. Or do some tie-dyeing. Dot: All we know is that we like you. We have no taste, but we like you. Yakko: Alas, poor Yorik! Dot: [translating] Woah! Check out Skull Head. Yakko: I knew him Horatio: A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy. Dot: [translating] He was funny. Yakko: He hath borne me on his back a thousand times. Dot: [translating] He gave me piggy back rides. Yakko: And now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rises at it. Dot: [translating] I'm going to blow chunks. Yakko: [kisses Skull Head] Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Dot: [translating] We kissed a lot. NOT! Yakko: Where be your gibes now? Your gamboles? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar? Dot: [translating] How come your not funny now? Yakko: Not one now to mock your own grinning? Quite chap-fallen? Dot: [translating] No one's laughing now and by the way your lower jaw's missing Yakko: Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favor she must come; make her laugh at that. Dot: [translating] Follow that woman and tell her no matter how much make up she wears, she's still going to croak and end up looking just like you, and see if she laughs. Yakko: Prithee, Horatio, tell me one thing. Dot: What'd you find in the hole? Wakko: Our next cartoon. Yakko: [Yakko is reciting Puck's final monologue from A Midsummer Night's Dream while Dot translates] If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended. Dot: If the actors in our show made you mad, it will be okay if you look at it this way! Yakko: That you have but slumbered here while these visions did appear. Dot: You fell asleep on your butt and dreamed the whole thing. Yakko: And this weak and idle theme, no more yielding but a dream. Dot: There was a hole in the plot you can drive a truck through. [behind the action, Wakko is picking flowers and is swatted by a group a fairies. He sprays them away with a fire hose] Yakko: Gentles, do not reprehend... Dot: Honeys, don't blame us. You could be watching Oprah. Yakko: If you pardon, we will mend. Dot: But we're sorry and we promise our next show will be full of funny skits. Wakko: [Wakko continues to pick flowers when a very sexy fairy emerges] Hello pixie! [he chases after her] Yakko: And, as I am an honest Puck... Dot: I'm not touching that one. Yakko: If we have unearned luck now to 'scape the serpent's tongue. Dot: What he said. Yakko: We will make amends ere long! Dot: We'll buy you foot long hot dogs! Yakko: Else the Puck a liar call: So, good night unto you all. [he blows a kiss] Dot: Goodnight everybody! Yakko: Give me your hands, if we be friends. Dot: Applaud if you like us! Yakko: [the pixie Wakko has been chasing after comes up behind him enraged. He tries to give her flowers while she tries to swat him with a huge fly swatter] And Robin shall restore amends. Dot: And the Boy Wonder will save us. [the Batmobile drives up and the Warners all jump in it, and it drives away] Dot: Um, it's not that we wouldn't like to take your survey... Yakko: It's more like we'd rather have dental surgery. Yakko: Wait. You're forgetting something. Umlatt: What? Yakko: Well, being an evil villain, you are contractually required to explain your plan before you get rid of us. Wakko: So what are we going to get Dr. Scratchy? Dot: Ooooooh, how about an outfit from Oedipus Rex Men's Wear? Yakko: Nah, his mom would hate those. Yakko: Call it a hunch, sibs, but I think we've been abducted by aliens. Dot: Aliens? What'll we do? Wakko: Go find the cafeteria? Yakko, Dot: Yeah. Dot: Do you think Scratchy'd like some cologne? Fifi: We have Obsession, Repression, and Ecstacy. Dot: Do you have anything for beginners? Dr. Scratchensniff: Stop playing with my bust. Dr. Scratchensniff: Dot, would you care to give it a try? But, I'd like you to make a little curtsey. Dot: Thanks, but I did before I left home. Yakko: You'll never live to regret it. Yakko: And the moral of today's story is: If you can't say something nice, you're probably at the Ice Capades. Miles: Be gone, pests, and give me the bird. Yakko: We'd love to, really, but the Fox censors won't allow it. Dot: Don't look down. You might fall and hit your head and die and your brains would leak out alllllll over. Brain: The workings of your mind are a mystery to me. Death: [Swedish accent] [terms for checkers game] Death: I win... Wakko goes with me. You win, you get to stay together forever. Agreed? Yakko: [dot and yakko are dazed and in a trance] [speaking flatly] Yakko: We Accept... Dot: [flatly also] To accept is to Yield... Yakko: To yield is to allow on-coming traffic the right of way... Dot: Your breath is like the breeze off a land fill... Yakko: Food particles are wedged between your teeth... [Yakko and Dot snap out of trance and Start dancing] Brain: Pinky are you thinking what I'm thinking? Pinky: I think so Brain but where are we going to find rubber pants our size? Clown: When the whippoorwill/ Whippoors in the wind / The wind can whippoor back / O nice and chubby baby! Yakko: [upon entering the underworld] [in a trance/flatly] Yakko: all is strange and vague... Dot: [tranced/flatly] Are we dead? Yakko: [tranced/flatly] Or is this Ohio... Brain: It proved that radio was a powerful tool. And now, Pinky, the advance of technology has brought us an even more powerful tool. Do you know what that is? Pinky: Ummm... the rubber band? Pinky: Hmmm... let me think... Brain: Don't hurt yourself, Pinky. Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if we didn't have ears we'd look like weasels. Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Pinky: I think so, Brain, but burlap chafes me so. Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where are we going to find a duck and a garden hose at this time of night? Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Pinky: I think so, Brain, but where are we gonna find a tattoo parlor that's open at this time of night? Randy Beaman's Pal: One time, OK, one time Randy Beaman's brother ate pop rocks and drank a soda and his head exploded! Ok, bye! Satan: Stop peeping! Warners: Peep! Peep! Peep! Peep! Peep! Peep! Dot: [shouts] No way! I'm the only one who's supposed to be cute on this show! Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Pinky: I think so Brain, but if Jimmy cracks corn and nobody cares, why does he keep doing it? Brain-2-Me-2: This is it, Pinky-O, our moment of truth. Are you pondering what I'm pondering? 3-Pinky-0: Um, I think so, Brain-2, but a show about two talking lab mice? Huh, it'll never get on the air. Wakko: I never get to get it. Brain: Promise me something, Pinky. Never breed. Brain: It must be inordinately taxing to be such a boob. Pinky: Egad. You astound me, Brain. Brain: That's a simple task, Pinky. Brain: Do you realize what we will do with this pollen, Pinky? Pinky: Ummm... open a boutique? Brain: Yes, that's it. We'll open a boutique and sell ladies' clothing and pollen. Slappy: Tactless, yet rude. Pinky: Whatcha doin' over there, Brain? Brain: Contemplating your afterlife, Pinky. Slappy: The pleasure's been all yours, I'm sure. Slappy: Look, have I ever lied to you before? Skippy: You said keno is legal in Burbank. Brain: I am not devoid of humor. Brain: I'd say puberty was inordinately kind to you. Slappy: Oh, not the dynamite in the cake bit again. Who'd sink so low? Woman: Well. I never. Slappy: Well, you should, it's fun. Slappy: In most cases, revenge is not a good thing. In other cases, it's the only thing. Slappy: I'm gonna make you some brain food. That's right, I'm gonna make you my famous walnut fig dough surprise. Skippy: What's the surprise? Slappy: I'm outta walnuts. Slappy: If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life. But I'm not. Runt: My name's Runt, but my master calls me Stupid. What a nice guy. Owner: I want a pet who'll come when I call and cuddle me when I've had a bad day. Rita: Have a kid, lady. Einstein: If the sun is P, and gravity is H, it makes a Phhhhhh... Slappy: Skippy. You shoulda been asleep hours ago. Skippy: I know, Aunt Slappy, but I can't sleep. I keep hearing Santa's sleigh. Slappy: Ehhhh, that's just the LAPD choppers. Stewardess: Welcome to Air Pacific, the Jolly Airline. Our deluxe 757 is equipped with a number of safety features to use in case of an emergency, such as our fuel tanks explode, and we crash like a fiery ball into the sea. You'll find life jackets under your seats. In the event of a water landing, they will keep you afloat, unless you are seized by a giant squid, and dragged screaming beneath the waves. Thank you for choosing Air Pacific. You have well over a forty percent chance of landing safely. Enjoy your flight. Abe Lincoln: Ich bin ein Gettysburger. Satan: Beyond these doors is an agony worse than all others. You will remain in here for eternity listening to... whiny protest songs from the Sixties. Wakko: Hello, lady in a tree. Colin: OK, so, one time Randy Beaman's cat ate this fish from the fish tank but the fish was a piranha, it lived inside the cat forever, and the cat became Piranha Cat. 'Kay, bye. Colin: One time, ok, see, one time Randy Beeman's brother ate Pop Rocks and drank a soda at the same time and his head exploded. 'Kay, bye. Wakko, Yakko, Dot: Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn, and tell us the lesson that we should learn. Yakko: Free trip to Tahiti. All: Cheers. Wakko: Can you pull a rabbit out of your pants? [Yakko's just sung a song listing eight of the nine planets of the solar system] Yakko Warner: There you go, that's our solar system. Wakko Warner: You forgot Uranus. Yakko Warner: [blowing a kiss to the audience] Good NIGHT, everybody. [the Warners are singing a Christmas song] Dot: [singing] The stockings were hung so our names clearly showed Wakko: [singing] In the hopes that old Santa would leave a big load. Yakko: [blows a kiss to the audience] Good NIGHT, everybody. Wakko: Dear Santa, I have been ever so good this year. I would like a new mallet and a shiny brass anvil. Yakko: Well, we've decided. In outer space it's okay to wear white shoes after Labor Day. A Crowd: Shhh. Yakko: What, are you leaky tires? Dot: Mr. President? Get to work. Dot: Aliens. Go fig. Wakko, Yakko: We're the Warner brothers. Dot: And the Warner sister. Dot: My five-year mission is to seek out new worlds and make them cuter. Brain-2-Me-2: I've told you, I am not a refrigerator. I am a laboratory robot engaged in an intricate scheme of galactic domination. Slappy Wanna Nappy: The studio of Mos Eisner... You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. So be careful, we're going in without an agent. Girth Plotz: We meet again, Princess. Dot: That's Princess Angelina Contessa Louisa Francesca Banana Fanna Lay Onna Pile Of Origami the Third. But you can call me Dot. Wakko: Wanna see me make bubbles with my spit? Yakko: Sure do. In fact, that's the theme of our next show. Dot: So don't miss it. Hello Nurse: How come I always get the booby prize? Dot: I'm not touching that one! Dot: Requiem for a Lamb: Mary had a little lamb / With mint jelly. Thank you. Dot: Roses are red, violets are blue / That's what they say, but it just isn't true / Roses are red, and apples are, too / But violets are violet, violets aren't blue / An orange is orange, but Greenland's not green / A pinky's not pink, so what does it mean? / To call something blue when it's not, we defile it / But what the heck, it's hard to rhyme violet. Dot: Jack Sprat could eat no fat, so he became macrobiotic and an enormous pain in the neck. Yakko, Wakko: [singing to La Macarena] Dot is a nut, so we call her Macademia / She's touched in the head and kooky in the brain-ia / All the lines in this song sound pretty much the same-ia / Oy, Macademia! Wakko: Faboo! The Godfather: [to henchmen] Show these kids the door! Yakko: That's OK, we can see it from here. Ooh, nice door. Wakko: Faboo! Dot: Great hinges. The Godfather: Show these kids the door. Yakko Warner: That's ok, we can see it from here. Dan Anchorman: Don't mess with an anchorman! Yakko, Wakko & Dot: [singing] We're from Sal Monella's coffee shop/Eat our food and you're bound to drop/Then the only thing that's left to do/Head to the potty and spew spew spew!/Sal Monella's! The Godfather: You come here to this restaurant, sit in my personal and private booth, and *insult* me? Dot: Of course not, if we wanted to insult you, we would have called you tubby mushroom head man. The Godfather: I can have you all fitted for cement shoes! Yakko: Could I see something in a perky pump? [shows a bit of leg ] The Godfather: You're gonna be sleeping with the fishies tonight! Yakko: Can we all go? Wakko: Is Jimmy Hoffa there? Dot: Will he read to us? Yakko, Wakko, Dot: Make a Googie! Wakko: I'm not wearing any pants! [repeated lines] Pinky: What are we going to do tonight brain? Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky: try to take over the world! Pinky: So what are we going to do tonight then, Brain? Brain: Same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the world! Yakko: [reciting "A Midsummer Night's Dream"] For I am an honest Puck... Dot: [translating] I'm not touching that one! Yakko: How's it going, Scratchy? Dr. Scratchensniff: I take umbrage at that. Yakko: Oh, sure! Take all the umbrage. Don't leave any for us. Einstein: You... you... you... Yakko: No, THIS is a ewe; we're just plain old us. Warners: [singing] Yakko is a yakker, Wakko is a snacker, Dot's plain cute, so's this boot. Yakko: Did you know that there's "P.P." on your smock? Dot: Disgusting! Dot: Call me "Dottie", and you die! Girth Plotz: [after Wakko eats his paperweight] Give me back my paperweight! Wakko: Okay, but you'll have to wait a while. Mr. Director: Where are you kids going? Yakko: Jan Murray's house? Mr. Director: You kids are going to be in my movie. Warners: Movie? Mr. Director: Who were you talking to? Wakko: The people watching us on TV. Mr. Director: Peoples? What peoples? [peering really close to the camera] Mr. Director: HELLO, NICE PEOPLE IN THE TV! Yakko: [very loudly] ALL RIGHT! IN THIS SCENE... Mr. Director.: Oy! Too loud! Make with the whisper! Don't with the loud-maker-talk! Man: Do you know who I am? Yakko: Why? Did you forget? Man: Hey! You can't eat that! Wakko: Needs salt. Man: That's my sandwich! Dot: You want it back? [sticks out her tongue with "C" food] Man: EWWW! Miss Flamiel: Find your seats! Yakko: [showing his butt] Got my seat. Wakko: [showing his butt] Got mine. Dot: [showing her butt] Here's mine. Yakko: [to Miss Flamiel] Bet you don't have trouble finding yours. Miss Flamiel: Yakko, can you conjugate? Yakko: Who? Me? I've never even kissed a girl! Miss Flamiel: No, it's very simple. I'll conjugate with you. Yakko: Good night, everybody! Yakko: Early to rise and early to bed/Makes a man healthy, but socially dead. Brain: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky? Pinky: Um, I think so, Brainie, but why would anyone want to pierce Brosnan? Dr. Scratchensniff: [Showing Dot how to make a curtsey] Make a little curtsey. A CURTSEY! Yakko, Wakko: [Yakko and Wakko laughing and imitating Dr Scratchensniff] Make a little curtsey. A CURTSEY. Dr. Scratchensniff: Stop with the fun at me. Yakko: Then please stop being so funny. [Dot has just forgotten her line after about twenty tries and lets out a stream of obscenities] Yakko: That was my cute little sister who said that. Wakko, Yakko: Well, helloooooo Nurse! Mindy Sadlier: OK, lady, I love you, good bye! Dot: Little Miss Muffet. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet / And boy what a big tuffet she had! If you're feeling insecure, just sit next to her / And then you won't feel quite so bad. Thank you. [closing line] Slappy: Now that's comedy! Miss Flamiel: Dot, what can you tell me about the scientists of the 1800's? Dot: They're all dead. Miss Flamiel: No, no, no. Dot: Ok, they're all living? Miss Flamiel: No, no, no! Yakko: Well, now we're getting into philosophy. The Godfather: I am Don Pepperoni, the Godfather. Dot: Can we call you "Dad-Doo"? Baloney: [singing The Imagine Song] I is for Imagine, M is for Me, A is for the letter A , G is for G. I is for Imagine, N is for Nice. E is for Egad, I said imagine twice! Yakko: [sarcastically] Wow, great song. Baloney: Thanks. Let's hug! Yakko: Uh, why don't you just imagine that too? Dan Anchorman: I placed this order an hour ago! Are your out of your minds? Yakko: No, but we're out of our pickles. You'll have to take coleslaw. Yakko: Who's the ham on rye? Dan Anchorman: That's me! Yakko: Remember, you said that. We didn't. Dot: I'm famished. [Dot grabs the sandwich and bites into it] Dan Anchorman: How dare you take a bite out of my sandwich! Dot: You want it back? Yakko: So what'll it be Dad Doo? The pasta, or the noodles? The Godfather: The pasta *is* noodles. Yakko: Would you like marinara, or red sauce? The Godfather: Marinara *is* red sauce. Yakko: Well, would you like calamari or the squid? The Godfather: Calamari *is* squid. Yakko: Zucchini or squash? Ham or prosciutto? Drink or beverage? The Godfather: THEY'RE ALL THE SAME! Yakko: [to Dot] Do you realize this eliminates more than half of our menu? Dot: The poem that I wrote. This is the poem that I wrote. These are the words that are in the poem that I wrote. This is the mouth that's saying the words that are in the poem that I wrote. This is the person who has the mouth that's saying the words that are in the poem that I wrote. This is the audience that would do anything to shut up the person who has the mouth that's saying the words that are in poem that I wrote. This is the TV show that tortures the audience until they would do anything to shut up the person that has the mouth that's saying the words that are in the poem that I wrote. This... Yakko: Nice wig you got there. Wakko: Does Cher know you're borrowing it? Howie Tern: Stop laughing at them. Robin: Ok I'm sorry. Yakko: Ooo, I like her. Howie Tern: Now listen up, America. If you just tuned in, I've go three kids in here who think they're funnier than the great Howie Tern. You know what I say to that? burp Wakko: That's not a burp. Howie Tern: Oh no? Wakko: Nope. BELCH! That's a burp. Howie Tern: Oh yeah these kids think they're really cute. Dot: I can't help it if I'm cute. [smooch then spits and gags] Dot: He's got gingivitis. Howie Tern: What kind of fool do you take me for? Wakko, Yakko, Dot: Ooo ooo! I know, I know! Let me answer! Come on! Howie Tern: I am Howie Tern! I'm a big star! I'm a household name! Yakko: So is the Mister Tidy Bowl man. Are you related? Howie Tern: That's pretty funny coming from a kid who looks like a demented monkey. Yakko: You know, you'd make a fortune renting your head out as a balloon. Yakko: But let this be a lesson to all. For wherever there is belching... Wakko, Dot, Yakko: We'll be there! Yakko: Wherever there is stupidity... Wakko, Dot, Yakko: We'll be there! Yakko: Wherever there is candy... Wakko: We'll be there a lot quicker. Pinky: What do you want to do tonight, Rita? Rita: I don't know, eat you for supper? [Rita snatches Pinky up and eats him alive] Rita: So far, this is my favorite episode! Pinky: Narf! Oh, roomy accommodations, Rita.


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