淘小子看世界

淘小子看世界 (1993) 5.9

"Boy Meets World"

1993-09-24(美国)| 喜剧 家庭| 美国
上映时间:1993-09-24(美国) 类型: 喜剧 家庭
国家/地区:美国 
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advertisement Clerk: I'm sorry, we don't give that kind of information. Eric: Really? Well... [produces $1] Eric: Perhaps my friend Mr. Washington will help you change your mind. Little boy: I just want to have my picture taken, so I can send it to my grandma so she sends me a check. Eric: After she sends the check, tell her she forgot the check. Works every time. Cory: There's no such thing as good news until I've had my Grape Nuts. Cory: We're gonna have a child? Wait, we've only kissed. I mean, I knew I was a good kisser, but *wow*. Topanga: Do you think this is funny? Cory: No, I think it's the opposite of funny. I think it's... wood. [Eric and Topanga have gone on a diet together, but are keeping it a secret; Cory thinks the reason Topanga is acting differently is that she's pregnant] Eric: [to Topanga] Look, in a few months, everything's gonna be back to normal, okay? Cory: All right, Eric. What's going on? Eric: Hey, Cor. You smell like chicken. Cory: Don't change the subject. I know Topanga confided in you. What did she tell you? Eric: She told me that she's in trouble and it's all your fault. Your waffles and butter did this to her. Cory: Why would Topanga confide in you instead of her own husband? Eric: Because she knew how you'd react. Cory: You mean like this? [screams] Cory: My life is over! [back to normal voice] Cory: Like that? Eric: That's why she came to me, okay? People like us have similar appetites, that's how we get into situations like this. Cory: You've been in this situation before? Eric: Yeah, on and off since high school. Cory: Do Mom and Dad know? Eric: Yeah, Mom and Dad know. Dad actually thinks it's kinda funny. [laughs] Cory: Oh, no, Eric. There is nothing funny about this. Every day she gets bigger, my life gets a little more complicated. Eric: Your life? Is that all you can think about? What about Topanga, huh? What is she supposed to do? Her body's out of control and she has nowhere to turn! Look, if you can't be supportive then the best possible thing for you to do is just stay away from her. Just stay away from her! Cory: [hysterical] I don't know what I should do! [both run away, in opposite directions] Eric, Shawn Hunter, Jack: [gasp] Topanga! Eric: Oh Mary-Anne, I wish to make out with thee [pitchfork is thrown at him] Jack: What an arm! Eric: [as driving away] I thought you were friendly people! Mr. George Feeny: I love you all, [pauses] Mr. George Feeny: class dismissed. [about to take a picture for the yearbook] Eric: Dumped. Cory: Dumped. Shawn Hunter: Cheese. Mr. George Feeny: Believe in yourselves. Dream. Try. Do good Topanga: Don't you mean "do well"? Mr. George Feeny: No, I mean "do good". Eric: So I said to myself, 'Kyle,'... Alan: Kyle? Eric: That's what I call myself. Chet Hunter: I got two stupid boys. Y'all embarrass me in front of my dead friends [Jack and Eric are dressed up as girls to avoid bullies] Mr. George Feeny: Hmm, double d's, just like your grades. Cory: I believe in love like I believe in God: you can't touch it, you can't see it, but you can feel its wrath. Shawn Hunter: And its goodness. You can feel love's goodness. Cory: I wouldn't know Jonathan Turner: [referring to Shawn] I talk, he sleeps. Its just like class. Cory: I, Cory Matthews, am a PO-TAY-TO. Eric [singing]: "When a crime breaks out, all the cute girls shout, 'Get the good-looking guy.' When there's a crime out there, he's going to comb his hair, cause he's the good-looking guy. [speaking] Eric [singing]: Book 'em, good-lookin'. Cory: So, what's it like to have that kind of money? Jack: ...Good [John Turner is in a coma] Shawn Hunter: John, how could you be in here? How could you screw up on your bike? I have never seen you screw up on anything. I'm the screw-up, remember? C'mon you remember... Don't do this to me, John. I don't do alone real good... I know you're in there but it's like you're not really here. You're not talking but I know you're here. So I'm just gonna talk, you can listen. [pause] Shawn Hunter: John, even when I was at the Centre, it was all the things you taught me that made me wonder if it was the right place for me or not. But you didn't teach me enough. You, and Cory, and my parents, and the Matthews and the handful of people who really care about me, so don't blow me off, John. [Looks up] Shawn Hunter: Don't blow me off, God. I never asked you for anything before and I never wanted to come to you like this, but don't take Turner away from me; he's not done yelling at me yet. God, you're not talking but I know you're here, so I'm gonna talk, and you can listen. [pause] Shawn Hunter: God, I don't wanna be empty inside any more. Eric: How great is this. Jack: Do you know how great this is? Shawn Hunter: This is great. Alan Matthews: Hey, son! How was your day? Cory: Fine. Alan Matthews: What'd you do in school? Cory: Nothing Alan Matthews: Hey, *hold on*! Wait there! Alan Matthews: You know, everyday I ask you, "What did you do?" and everyday you tell me "Nothing." Well, I'm tired of nothing. I mean we both know something happened in school today and I want to know what it is! Cory: I decided to be a girl. Alan Matthews: Well, you taught me a very valuable lesson there, son. Shawn Hunter: You know the book, "Black Like Me"? Amy Matthews: Sure, is that what you guys are reading in school? Alan Matthews: Don't ask questions, honey! Topanga: Just tell me what you see in the painting, Cory. Cory: [peers at Starry Night] I see an attack. Topanga: An attack? Cory: An attack from another world. Topanga: An attack from another world. All right, let's look again. What about the relationship between God and man? Cory: Oh, okay. I was about to get there. See, God, unhappy with how some particular humans treat other particular humans who love them, has decided it's the end of the world. And I think he's right. Topanga: God is protecting the people in this little town! They live their lives and they come out of their houses, and they see this sky and they know God's protection and love. And that everything will be all right. Cory: Listen, how do you expect me to see good in anything when I feel so bad in here? [indicates heart] Cory: She kissed me! Topanga: And you moved away? What did you do to stop it? Cory: You're right. I said, "Kiss me, baby-sweetie, kill the relationship with the person I care about more than anyone in the world, and make me miserable for the rest of my horrible life." That's what I said. Angela Moore: I'm going to go over and look at this painting, entitled "Go With Him, He's Cute." Cory: Mom, Listen, I haven't been together with Topanga for twenty-two years, but we *have* been together for sixteen. 'Kay, that's a lot longer than most couples have been together. I mean, when we were born, you told me that we used to take walks in our strollers together in the park. When we were two, we were best friends, I mean, I, I knew everything about this girl. I knew her favorite color. I knew her favorite food. Then we became six, you know, and Eric made fun of me because it wasn't cool to have a best friend that was a girl or even know a girl, so for the next seven years I threw dirt at her. I like to call those "the lost years". Then when I was thirteen, Mom, she put me up against my locker and she kissed me. I mean, she gave me my first kiss. She taught me how to dance. She was always talking about these crazy things and I never understood a word she said. All I understood was that she was the girl I sat up every night thinking about, and when I'm with her I feel happy to be alive. Like I can do anything. Even talk to you like this. So that's, that's what I feel is love, Mom... When I'm better because she's here... and now she won't be. So we're finished. Jack: Eric? Eric: [dressed like Noah] No, not Eric, not anymore Jack: OK that's fine... ok, what is your name *now*? Eric: Plays With Squirrels Topanga: Kiss, kiss. Cory: I accidently kissed Missy Robinson. Topanga: How do you accidently kiss someone? Did she slip on a rug, and your lips broke her fall? Shawn Hunter: I'm real screwed up. Eric: See, duckies are good, cuz not only do they give you that non-threatening sense of security, but you can feed 'em crackers and you can ride 'em. See, duckies are the horsies of the ocean. No, I mean they are. Cory: Okay, someone explain to me about duckies before I hit him with a spoon. Amy Matthews: It's wallpaper. Topanga: It's adorable. Alan Matthews: It's for you room. Eric: DUCKIES RULE. [repeated line] Jonathan Turner: Are you kidding me? Topanga: I wasn't sure this day would ever come, but you were. I wasn't sure love could survive everything we put it through, but you were. You were always strong and always sure. And now I know I want you to stand beside me for the rest of my life. That's what I'm sure of. Cory: I have to talk to her now, OK. [to Shawn] Shawn Hunter: Go ahead. Cory: Ever since I was young I never understood anything about the world, and I never understood anything that happened in my life. The only thing that ever made sense to me was you, and how I felt about you. That's all I've ever known and that's enough, that's enough for me, for the rest of my life. Topanga, we gonna get married? Topanga: Yea, we are. Cory: Good, cause, umm I have these rings... I love you, Topanga. Topanga: I love you too, Cory. [Cory thinks he is turning into a werewolf] Madame Mosbenskias: Come to me, Werewolf Boy. Cory: You know. Madame Mosbenskias: I know many things, I know you were bitten by a wolf. Cory: It's true. Madame Mosbenskias: I know you are now becoming a wolf. Cory: That's amazing. Madame Mosbenskias: I know you are recently divorced. Cory: What? Madame Mosbenskias: You're not Billy Joel? Cory: No. Madame Mosbenskias: Well, then, you're just a wolf. [Cory loses a geography bee] Cory: I'm hitting my head. I'm hitting the northern-most part of my head. Eric: Mr. F... F... F... Feeny Mr. George Feeny: I love the Feeny call Cory: You are going to learn something from life every day. And make mistakes. And you'll make good friends and Mr. Feeny will probably teach you every grade you're ever in. And maybe someday you'll fall in love with a woman as wonderful as Topanga. How would you like that? Joshua Matthews: Yeah. Cory: And be lucky enough to make a good friend as Shawn. How'd you like that? Joshua Matthews: Good. Cory: And when you're not a little boy anymore, when the world has taught you how to be a man... Then you'll still make mistakes. But your family, and all those good friends you've made along the way, will help you. And even though you'll think the world has gone out of it's way to teach you all the tough lessons, you'll realize that it's the same world that's given you your family and those friends, you you'll come to believe that no matter what happens, somehow the world will protect you, too. "Boy Meets World." Now I get it. Frankie: I walk alone in this world... Alone I walk... Except for the grilled cheese sandwich in my pocket. Eric: [singing, twirling Cory around] For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny. Eric: [the candles are knocked over, which light the curtains on fire] The curtains are on fire, the curtains are on fire, the curtains are on fire, which nobody can deny. Eric: [firefighters start cutting the door down] The firefighters are chopping down the door now, the firefighters are chopping down the door now. Cory: My brother is a moron. Eric: Which nobody can deny! [Cory and his mother are compromising] Amy Matthews: Thirty minutes. Cory: Half an hour. Amy Matthews: Deal. Eric: [to Cory] Hey, be careful. Not that I care. Eric: [sees a spider on his arm] What do you think Mr. Birdy? [slurred] Eric: Birdy bit me... left side paralyzed... losing consciousness... Shawn Hunter: Was it the dream with the dummy again? Cory: Yes... he was on foot... and he had a gun. Cory: It was raining... you had an umbrella... I grabbed it, stuffed it down your throat, and then I opened it. Shawn, I Mary Poppinsed ya. Cory: Last night T.K. and me talked on the phone for two hours. That beats my previous time spent on the phone with a girl by like... two hours. Eric: It was one of those nights. You know the kind. Like day, but darker. [Eric returns from the future, where Cory is called Rory] Eric: Rory? Cory: Reric? [In the future, Eric goes by the name Plays With Squirrels] Mr. George Feeny: Mr. Matthews? Eric: Mr. Squirrels. Cory: Eric? Eric: Plays With. Shawn Hunter: How far are the slopes from here? Ranger Mark: Two miles. Shawn Hunter: How far walking? Ranger Mark: Two miles. Shawn Hunter: [to Cory] Well, that's only one mile each. Shawn Hunter: I'm no rocket scientologist. Amy Matthews: C'mon, Morgan. Let's go in the other room and watch TV. Morgan Matthews: But TV's not funny. Cory's life is funny. Eric: What are you doing? Morgan Matthews: Filling out college applications. Eric: But, you're only in the third grade, you can't go to college. Morgan Matthews: Cory said that if you can go to college, anyone can go to college. Eric: Morgan, isn't it time to bother someone else? Topanga: We're supposed to see other people. Cory: I'm supposed to see other people, you're supposed to wait until I die. Eric: Guess who's got pictures of Cory running naked through the sprinkler? Cory: Eric, I was four. Eric: You were twelve. Cory: It was... refreshing. Shawn Hunter: Today in class, I did something I don't normally do. A lot of thinking. And not about that whole war part two. [Cory is trying to find a topic to talk about on his radio show] Cory: There's a dark side to a bake sale too, isn't there? Fat. Cholesterol. What about that? Amy Matthews: Apparently, Cory would rather listen to the game then try and understand the emotional content of Romeo & Juliet. Cory: Mom, I'm a kid. I don't understand the emotional content of Full House. Morgan Matthews: I do. Mr. George Feeny: Friendship for example, is a real gift. It's given with no expectations and no gratitude is needed, not between real friends. Shawn Hunter: She's got style. She's got elegance. She's got parents. Jonathan Turner: Anybody you like. Cory: Anybody? Jonathan Turner: Anybody. Cory: Absolutely anybody? Jonathan Turner: Absolutely anybody. Cory: I pick Shawn. Shawn Hunter: I pick Cory. Topanga: You know, you walked right into that. Jonathan Turner: I did, didn't I? Eric: I don't skate. At all. Jason: Canadians skate. How hard could it be? [discussing how nice looking Mr. Turner's bike is] Frankie: You could eat it. Joey: You mean "eat off it". Frankie: I said what I said. Shawn Hunter: I live in a trailer park. Cory: And what a trailer park. It's great. It's got a pool... when it rains. Frankie: When you've got something you could wrap a grand jury around, then give us a jingle. [Shawn wants a bigger role with the thugs] Shawn Hunter: What happens after I get the look down? Joey: All right, this morning... you get the bagels. Eric: Life's tough, get a helmet. Shawn Hunter: Pittsburgh: The Big Apple, City of Angels. Cory: It's hard to imagine you as a boy. Did your parents call you Mr. Feeny? Cory: [about Topanga] She goes away for the summer and comes back a woman. Shawn Hunter: Yeah. Kinda like Coach Franklin. Eric: My grades aren't good enough to get me into college? Mr. George Feeny: Your grades, my friend, aren't good enough to get you a Slurpee. Jonathan Turner: When they kick you out of your apartment, you'll always have a place to stay. Mr. Williams: I appreciate that. Jonathan Turner: Yeah, the park across the street. Cory: Would you be my girlfriend? [Topanga kisses Cory] Cory: Yes or no? Morgan Matthews: Mommy, if my dolly's cold, can I put her in the toaster oven? Amy Matthews: No, honey. That would be a mistake. Morgan Matthews: Mommy? Amy Matthews: Yes? Morgan Matthews: I made a mistake. Amy Matthews: [runs over to toaster oven and pulls out doll] Cory, didn't you smell that? Cory: Yeah, I just thought we were having plastic for dinner. [trying to straighten Cory's hair] Cory: Is this stuff supposed to be burning? Shawn Hunter: Why, is it burning? Cory: No, I was just trying to make conversation, because we don't get enough chances to talk any more. Cory: Tell them how you got out of study hall. Larry: I told her I was training for the Olympic decathlon. Cory: And she believed you? Larry: She bought me a discus. Quarterback: What's your last name? Eric: Matthews. Quarterback: Wow. Same as your brother's. Shawn Hunter: Remember the goldfish I used to have? Cory: The turtle? Eric: I have a question that I'm going to need a yes or no answer to. How many people get into Yale each year? Mr. George Feeny: No. Shawn Hunter: Morgan, how do we really know the light bulb goes off when you close the refrigerator? Morgan Matthews: Why don't you get in there and find out? [Mr. Turner and Mr. Williams break up a fight between Cory and Shawn] Jonathan Turner: Hunter? Matthews? Eli Williams: Did you guys know you were fighting each other? Cory: Someday, Topanga's going to be a mother, and I'm going to be the father. Or, the uncle. Or, the way I'm going, the guy down the street with the binoculars. Shawn Hunter: Don't blow me off God. Cory: Is it just me or does anyone else wanna hurl from boredom?" Cory: An operation? Operations are bad. Do you remember our cat, Fluffy. He died during an operation. Eric: Cory, Fluffy fell out of a tree. They were trying to sew his head back on. Cory: Look at me, I'm breakin' the law. [Sirens] Cory: Well we all so that one coming. Lauren: Yes, sir, can I help you? Cory: I don't want to have feelings for another girl. Lauren: Neither do I. Shawn Hunter: No kissy? Cory: Just talky. Cory: I never asked to be the man in this relationship. [Tommy wants Eric to adopt him] Tommy: Do you know what Scooby did when Shaggy fell in the well? Eric: This isn't a cartoon, Tommy. Tommy: He SAVED him. He saved him because he LOVED him. Eric: Tommy, you know I love you. Tommy: Then why won't you save me? [on Cory's attempt to ask Topanga out] Shawn Hunter: What did you do? Cory: I saluted her. [Eric is asked how he afforded a huge wedding] Eric: So I'm picking up the tuxes, and I see that they're setting up for this big Peterman wedding next door. Rachel McGuire: Wait - "disposable diaper" Petermans? Eric: Yeah, them Petermans. Rachel McGuire: But their wedding is, like, the social event of the year. Eric: Yeah, well... now it's not. Jack: What did you do? Eric: Nothing, really. I just called the operator and asked for the number to the hotel, and while I was waiting, I noticed there was a little shmutz on the end of the phone. I couldn't tell whether it was dried vomit or gum. It *tasted* more like gum... Jack: Get on with it! Eric: Anyway, I told them that I was E.J. Peterman and that my daughter had to get married right away because she was pregnant. So drink up, guys, 'cause this is gonna hit the fan in, like, two seconds... Harley: Didn't I tell Frankie to dispose of you two? Cory: Yeah, and he did. He killed us. Big time. Shawn: And now we're the angels of ourselves. Cory: And now it's time for us to float away. Shawn: Float. Harley: Have either one of you angels seen my girl. Cory: You mean Gloria? Shawn: No, we haven't seen her. Cory: There's no reason for us to have seen her. Shawn: We were in the locker the WHOLE time. Harley: The whole time WHAT, boys? Cory: Come on, Shawn. Float. [Cory is hitch-hiking and an Amish man approaches in a carriage] Amish Man: Hello, young man. Are you in need of a ride? I'm going to that farmhouse there. [he points] Cory: That farmhouse there? [points] Amish Man: That farmhouse there. [pointing] Cory: Well, I'm going to Philadelphia. Amish Man: Well, I can take you as far as that farmhouse there. [points] Cory: Yes, but, you see, I'm going to Philadelphia, so that really does me no good. Amish Man: That may be, but, my will is just and my heart is pure. [drives off] Cory: ...Which also does me no good. Cory: Listen, I want you to know that I am completely secure in our relationship, and if you want to spend your summer away at camp, I am totally okay with it. Topanga: That is so mature. Cory: 'cause I'm going with ya. Topanga: Cory, it's an all girls camp. Cory: What time's swim'n? [Topanga is interviewing Shawn about love] Shawn Hunter: Well, love is the most rare and precious thing in the whole world. Topanga: Have you ever fallen in love? Shawn Hunter: About five times a day. Mr. George Feeny: [finishing a speech] And that, Mr. Hunter, is how babies are made. Shawn Hunter: I still don't believe it. [after Topanga decided at the last minute to not marry Cory, by not saying "I do."] Topanga: I don't know what to say. Cory: "Do". You know, "do"? It's the first half of your favorite word, "don't". Topanga: Cory, the worst thing that ever happened when we were kids was that your Pop-Tart fell on the ground. Cory: Yeah, and *you* convinced me to eat it. You said, "God made dirt, dirt won't hurt." Shawn Hunter: He says one thing, and does another. He's a hypochondriac. Topanga: You know, I can take you. Angela Moore: Girl, you don't want to dance with me. Topanga: Ready? Angela Moore: Ready. Cory: His name is Lianol, we met today and we are getting along just fabulously. Because I'm young Hunter, I'm vital and I have a lot to offer. Shawn Hunter: Cory and Topanga aren't together anymore. Mr. George Feeny: Yes, I know, I too read Teen Beat, Mr. Hunter. Cory: When I'm here with you, I'm fine, but over there with Topanga it's like I'm a... a... a sea monkey. Shawn Hunter: That's a bad animal. Cory: That's just what I want - to be Topanga's boyfriend. And then we can name our children Chewbacca and Plankton. Cory: Shawnzie? Shawn Hunter: Yessie? Alan Matthews: Things aren't always easy in the real world. Eric: I'm going to Yale. I'm going to Yale. Alan Matthews: It's a little easier in his world Shawn Hunter: Where were you? Cory: [whispering] There was a Fortune Teller at the yogurt parlor. Shawn Hunter: You tortured a feller named Yogi Tyler? Cory: ...Yeah. [Cory thinks he is turning into a werewolf] Shawn Hunter: Come on, you couldn't have been bitten by a wolf. Cory: Shawn, look at the bite. Shawn Hunter: I don't see anything. Cory: Of course you don't. Everybody knows werewolf bites heal overnight. Shawn Hunter: Wow. Then, you're covered with them. [it is Halloween at a yogurt parlor] Cory: Got any special flavors? Cashier: Well, we've got Bucket of Blood, that's like Strawberry, and we've got Bucket of Guts, that's more or less Chocolate, and we've got Smashed and Severed Hair Steins, I don't recommend that. Cory: Can you mix the Blood, and the Guts? Cashier: All the time. Radio: Well, the search for the missing wolf continues, and with the day being Halloween, we've been receiving prank calls of reports of wolves and even werewolves. Cory: Werewolves, isn't that silly? [sees the cashier's face] Cory: Isn't it? Cashier: There are things, and then there are *things*. Cory: You mean... There are things such as werewolves? Cashier: There are places were such things are revealed. For five dollars complete. [Cory is writing a note] Turner: Matthews, you're amazing, you have no idea what's going on, and yet you're still taking notes. Watcha writin'? [Cory stuffs the note in his mouth] Turner: Watcha eatin'? Topanga: Yeah, Shawn, you were wrong about Feeny and you're wrong about this. Shawn Hunter: You were wrong to break up with Cory. Topanga: What does that have to do with anything? Shawn Hunter: Did any of this happen while you two were still together? Topanga: No. Shawn Hunter: You've killed us. You've killed us all. Eric: Hey, hey. Now there's only two people horribly dead here, that's an acceptable loss. Shawn Hunter: If the sun never sets in the British Empire, then when do they watch Letterman? Feeny: Alan, there is a large rusty object not only blocking my driveway, but most of the light into my kitchen. Eric: Hey, that's my new car. Feeny: May I assume it moves? Eric: Like the wind. Especially downhill. Oh. You want me to move it? Feeny: Well, we certainly can't count on anyone stealing it. Eric: [after Cory drips water on his face] I'd kill you, but I can't move. [Cory and Topanga talking about their wedding and people in their family who died. Topanga says Nana Boo-Boo and Cory's crying] Cory: Nana Boo-Boo! Cory: [stops and thinks about it] Cory: Wait... is Nana Boo-boo dead? Topanga: No. Cory: Oh. Mr. George Feeny: I, for example, have a young neighbor who sings along to his little sister's Barney records. Cory: You hear that? Shawn Hunter: I need chocolate. Debbie: That's 16 grams of fat. And you have a purse. Shawn Hunter: Yeah, I do. Cory: That's not really his purse. He found that purse. Debbie: Well, he found an ugly one. Shawn Hunter: Hey. I happen to like this purse. Eric: Where's my lucky tube socks? Cory: [holding up two very tiny socks] I don't think they're so lucky anymore. Topanga: What's wrong? Cory: My hosiery is still bunching. Angela Moore: My soap opera name is Shinaynay Martin Luther King Boulevard... Boy, I've got to get some black friends. Shawn Hunter: If I was only going to be alive for one more minute, I'd spend it looking in your eyes. Angela Moore: And if you were only going to be alive for one more minute, I'd tell you to stop lookin'... and start kissin'. Cory: A girl wrote seven numbers on my hand. What could this possibly mean? Shawn Hunter: It means, call her. Cory: Shawn, how could I call her when I don't even have her- Aahh. Eric: Lose one friend, lose all friends, lose yourself. Eric: Hey, what's up with the Weasel? She's locked herself in the bathroom singing, "On the first day of Christmas, I murdered Santa Claus.". Cory: Mr. Feeny, under my desk is a key. It opens locker 703 in a Florida station. In there is all my homework from the past 5 years. I'm actually a wonderful student. I listen and I know everything. Mr. George Feeny: What's the capital of Montana? [pause] Cory: You're not going to Florida, are you? Cory: Shawn, I refuse to believe anything from those idiotic supermarket tabloids. Shawn Hunter: It's the New York Times, baby. Cory: The New York Times trailer park edition. Shawn Hunter: It's exactly the same thing, except you can eat it. Dr. Feldspar: Is there a history of mental illness in the family? Cory: My uncle Morrie thinks he's Sammy Sosa. Eric: I married a moose. Jack: [Eric is set on getting revenge on Topanga for beating him up and he is dressed as an old man inside a painting. Jack walks by and stops in shock] I begged you. I begged you to get help Eric: [laughs] Oooh this is going to be so sweet. Bye, bye Topanga. Jack: You know what, Topanga is too smart for you. Anyone is. Eric: Stay out of this Jack. This is a one man mission. Will you help me? Jack: No. [leaves] Eric: Fine. I can handle this myself. [to the woman in the painting] Eric: You have a very large head. I don't know why I married you. [Eric is dressed as a woman] Eric: It's great to be so in touch with my feminine side [pretty girl walks past Eric] Eric: and now I'm gonna get in touch with her feminine side. Hey. Hey. We can be friends. Come on everyone experiments in college. [Eric is dressed up as a woman and Topanga doesn't know it's him] Topanga: I think you're beautiful on the inside. Eric: Did you say I was... beautiful? Topanga: ...Yeah... cause you are. Alan Matthews: Maybe we should try thinking. Cory: No, me and Shawn have already tried that. It doesn't work. Alan Matthews: Maybe we should try listening to them. [beat] Alan Matthews: [Everyone laughs] Eric: Maybe we should try Cory's thinking thing again. Topanga: I'm a damsel, but not the distressed kind, one who's totally calm and in complete control of her own destiny. Shawn: Where do you think we stand? Cory: We're lowly, 7th grade sewer scum who name rats after ourselves to feel important. Shawn: And how do you feel about this? Cory: Better than the guys with no rats. Topanga: [reading her yearbook quote to Cory] You do your thing and I do my thing. You are you and I am I. And, if, in the end, we end up together, it's beautiful. Shawn: [about Cory] You like him. Topanga: You little pervert. Shawn: You like him a lot. Cory: Sometimes I can't hold my breath long enough to get down to where Mr. Feeny likes to swim. Cory: Shawn and I have another project we're working on. Topanga: Really? What is it? Shawn: Well, you know how those dolphins get caught in the tuna nets? Topanga: Yeah? Shawn: It's got nothin' to do with that. Eric: I know what you're saying and I'm winking right back at you. Mr. George Feeny: Please don't. Eric: If stupidity were in the Olympics, you'd win a Nobel Prize. [Eric wants to join a cult to meet girls] Cory: Eric. Eric. Eric: No, no, no, no. My new nut name is Sunflower Fortunato. Harley: That was then, this is... not then. Alan: As much as I love this, you and me, how long is this going to go on? Eric: Uh. I don't know, We could play to 11 or 21 or 17 - that'd be weird, huh? Shawn: I can't believe it, Feeny locked us in. Cory: He can't do that. It's against the Geneva Detention Convention. Chet Hunter: I had and idea for a news channel to broadcast news 24 hours a day all over the world. Topanga: You invented "CNN"? Chet Hunter: Yes. "Chet's News Network". But I made the mistake of blabbing my idea to a southern man on an elevator. [Chet turns to Mr. Turner] Chet Hunter: Uh, what's your last name again? Mr. Turner: "Turner"... No relation. Cory: Chickens in the hallway. Chickens in the hallway. Somebody must have let 'em loose as the official senior prank. Look at 'em. Look at 'em. Oh, look at the chickens. Oh my gosh, this is crazy. I wonder which crazy senior though this up, huh? This is nuts. Cory: My name is Cory Matthews. I'm here with my lovely fianc閑 Topanga. Isn't she lovely? Stan: They are all lovely with the lights off. Cory: I wouldn't know sir. Stan: You're a virgin? Cory: I'm cursed. Cory: So they got Hunter kidnapped, and handcuffed to a pole, and I have to step in and save Shawn's butt, because I have a way with women, as you can probably tell by the fact that I've never been more available in my life. Tickets go on sale at the box office. Topanga: Stuart, did you give me this paper rose? Stuart Minkus: [looking up from an origami book] No. [after Shawn can't find his real mom] Topanga: Cory... what do you think he's gonna do? Cory: Probably something that's gonna devastate him as well as all of us. Angela: The usual. [Shawn shows up drunk at the Matthew's house for Alan's surprise birthday party] Shawn: Surprise. Eric: It's tomorrow night, you idiot. [Alan's yelling at Shawn per his request for getting drunk] Alan: Someday you're gonna want to buy a house and you're gonna come to me. Cory: I think this is about us. Topanga: Nice touch. [in a paranormal state, Chet tells Shawn about his real Mom] Chet: I said, "Honey, it's a - Honey?" Oh, but don't blame her. She wasn't the motherly type. She was more... how can I put this delicately... a stripper. Chet: Verna loved you. You had a butt she loved to pat. Unfortunately, she did not find my butt as lovable. Cory: You see, my mom's mad at my dad because he got her a trash compactor for their anniversary. Harley: What a yutz. Gloria: Oh, yeah. That's a long way away from tires. Gloria: Name one thing you got me that ever made me feel special. Harley: Tires. Steel belted. Gloria: Three. Harley: The guy came back. Cory: Mom, did dad really promise to take you to Paris? Amy: Of course he did... just now. Harley: How come last night you kept me waiting for 20 minutes outside your house? Gloria: How come you parked outside my house, honked the horn, and didn't come in? Harley: Because maybe I saw your father standing by the door and I didn't feel like saying hello. Gloria: That was my mother. Harley: Then I definitely don't wanna meet your father. Gloria: My girlfriend's boyfriends actually come up to the door. Harley: That's because they don't have cars. Gloria: My girlfriend's boyfriends have manners. Harley: You call sticking your finger in my face manners? [Harley and Gloria are fighting] Joey: Hey, lovebirds, I don't like what I'm hearing. Where's the magic gone in this romance? If I may venture to... Gloria: Oh, cork it, Joey. Joey: Corking it. Cory: I'm telling you, that macaroni and cheese had more grease than Harley's hair. Shawn: I think that's how they made it, they just flipped him over and wrung him out. (they round the corner and see Harley who heard everything) Shawn and Cory: HARLEY. Shawn: He's just mad because he can't do this. (flips his hair) Eli: Careful. I can't even do that. [Harley's about to beat up Cory and Shawn when Shawn sees Gloria] Shawn: Harley, why would you waste your time beating us up when you could be spending your time with Claudia Schiffer's cuter younger sister. Gloria: Well, I wouldn't say cuter. Harley: Turn it off. Shawn: Turning it off, sir. Harley: Frankie, remember that pinata I promised you for your birthday. Frankie: Yeah. Harley: Here's two. (shoves Cory and Shawn his way) Feliz Navidad. Harley: Frankie, what's wrong with you? You haven't said a word all morning. Frankie: Just having some quiet time. Harley: That's good. Some people (looks at Gloria) should try that sometime. Cory: In some countries me calling your hair greasy would be considered a compliment. For instance... Greece. Gloria: That's funny. Harley: Yeah, he's a pretty funny guy. Cory: So, I get to live, huh? Harley: There's that humor again. I will miss that. [Harley has just caught Frankie and Gloria together] Frankie: Harley, I can explain. Harley: I look forward to hearing it. Frankie: I went behind your back and stole your girl. Shawn: (to Angela ina drunken haze) We don't have any Mommy's or Daddy's. Topanga: Do you know why a husband talks to his wife before doing something? So she can tell him what a stupid idea it is. Eric: Shawn's poor. Ha ha. Clerk [played by John Balma]: Name? Cory: Why? I- I, mean, w- why do you need that? Clerk: Just need a name to put in the computer, any name. Any name will do. Cory: Oh, this is silly. You must go through this all the time. I'll just, I'll give you my real name. It's, It's Don. Don Quixote. That's me. Clerk: That's new. Address? Cory: 1414 Bella, Mancha. Cory: Eric? Eric: How did you find me? Cory: You live here. Cory: Where are you going? Topanga: With this outfit and this hair? Hello, buh-bye, I am SO at the mall. [all said very fast] Joey: That's a good one, Harley. That's a great one. I'll be laughing at that one for years and years. I'll probably be telling my grandkids about it, like sixty years from now. Unless of course, if I don't have grandkids, and then I suppose I'll have to tell some strange kids in a park. And the cops'll come and say, "Hey, you in the raincoat... Harley: Shut up. Joey: Yeah, okay. [Cory rips the blanket off Topanga and Shawn] Cory: Underpants. Shawn Hunter: I always sleep like this. Cory: Underpants. Shawn Hunter: Oh, here we go. [Cory tells Shawn and Topanga to go out on a date and they ask him why] Cory: Because, if you don't, it's gonna haunt us for the rest of our lives. Topanga: Why does everything have to haunt us for the rest of our lives? Cory: Underpants. Shawn: Okay, all right lets calmly recap. Eric: Kenny's dead, Feeny's dead, we're trapped inside with the killer. [after finding the janitor's squeaky bin alone in the halls] Shawn Hunter: Angela? Angela Moore: Yeah? Shawn Hunter: Are you sick of screaming? Angela Moore: Yes. Shawn Hunter: Then don't look in here. Shawn Hunter: Angela, are you sick of screaming yet? [Angela nods] Shawn Hunter: Then you'd better not look in there. [indicates the trash can holding the murdered janitor] Cory: [peering into the trash can] Oh my God! [beat] Cory: There's like a hundred retainers in there! [after finding the dead janitor] Eric: Wait a second, the killer's dead. We're off the hook. Up top. Eric: Done, Done, Done. Topanga: Enough already! Shawn Hunter: What, do we upset you? Topanga: Yes! Cory: Upset you enough to kill? Topanga: Somebody has to find a way out. Eric: Fine. I'll do it. I'm the oldest. Jack: Actually, I'm the oldest. Eric: Yeah, but I've lived the longest. Jack: She doesn't look like the killer type to me. Cory: Me neither, I am however less sure about Eric. Eric: When did this school get a library? Jack: Everyday is a new adventure isn't it? Shawn Hunter: Okay, I know I was wrong before about the janitor, but I really, really think guy's the killer. Jack: [after Eric and a new girl named Feffy have been crushed to death by falling books] Eric! Feffy. Eric! Aw... he was my friend, my room mate. I didn't really know her. Shawn Hunter: And I guess I've been taking it pretty hard, and I'm sorry I disrupted the class and killed everyone. Mr. George Feeny: Something bad happened, Mr. Hunter, but for the very first time you're not responsible. [Re: Cory and Topanga's break-up] Shawn Hunter: How come I feel so bad? Mr. George Feeny: Well, because you're a troubled young man, I recognize that from the movie, "A Troubled Young Man" Mr. George Feeny: Nebraska, Mr. Hunter, Nebraska! Shawn Hunter: That's the 75th state. Major exports: tortias. INTERCOM: Welcome to John Adams High, where you are going to die. That's right, fall right this way. Cory: I, I think that he knows we're too old for detention to scare us like it did when we were little kids right, so he's turned this school into a total chamber of horrors. Angela Moore: Doctor Feeny's house of terror. Cory: Did you guys see Feeny out there? Eric: Nope, not a sole, actually it was kinda creepy. Topanga: Why Creepy? Why is it creepy? Why did you say creepy? Why creepy? Topanga: What's he trying to teach us? Cory: To pay attention or we die. [after reading a message written with blood on the chalkboard] Shawn Hunter: It's Feeny. Topanga: There's blood on the black board, Shawn. I don't think it's because he ran out of chalk! [after Cory mocks him] Mr. George Feeny: Mr. Matthews, when one mocks someone, one should wait until they're not looking right at them. Cory: But I'm not in my regular seat. [after Feeny separates Topanga and Cory] Shawn Hunter: Mr. Feeny, you can't do that! You're contributing to the furtherance of their apartness. Mr. George Feeny: I'm trying to teach a class here. Now Mr. Hunter, Nebraska? Shawn Hunter: Oh, don't try to change the subject. Shawn Hunter: Mr. Feeny, I'm sure if you recall the pain of being stabbed in the back by a girlfriend. Topanga: I didn't stab him, he stabbed me. Cory: Oh, I'd stab myself before I'd stab you. Kenny, give me a pencil. Kenny: I don't have one! Mr. George Feeny: We'll return to the Young and the Restless right after this word from Feeny, and here is the word, shut up. Eric: We feed Morgan some kind of poison, which makes her ill. And when Dad is in the emergency room, that's when the party begins! Topanga: Let me get this stright, you would poison your sister to surprise your father? Eric: Now if Morgan goes south, you know, if she croaks, it will put a damper on the whole party. That's why we will have... Horsey Rides! See, me on the horsey, (let's call him Pete) on Pete having fun, joy, merriment. Any questions? [a depressed Cory uses handkerchiefs] Shawn: Who carries these things around? What did you do, dig up your grandfather and pick his pocket? [in tears] Cory: Grandpa Poppy... He always had seeds in his teeth... And that's why we called him Poppy... Cory: But you see, Shawn, that was a cartoon. Time was compressed, we're real, we're in real time. Shawn: Trust me, it's the same thing. Cory: No, no it's not. You see, a television show can cover many days in only one "half an hour" program. Shawn: Trust me, it's the same thing. Morgan: Cory and Topanga sitting in a tree. A-B-C-D-E-F-G Cory: Richard and Cindy? Shawn: Very deeply in love. Cory: Since when? Shawn: Lunch. Cory: What did they eat? Shawn: I don't know, but it doesn't look like it was enough. Miss Kelly: All right. The name of the place where the eggs are stored. Cory: What are... the gonads? Miss Kelly: No, sorry, I was looking for "What are the ovaries?" Cory: Oh, the o... yeah, I always mix those two up. Miss Kelly: Try not to; your future will be brighter. Can you tell us anything about ovulation or how pregnancy occurs? Cory: Well, the man's got the sperm and the woman's got the egg. Now, once a month an egg slides down the "Phillippine tube" towards the uterus. Cory: The first sperm to reach the egg wins. It gets a medal, it's born, ya name 'em "Cory", ya push 'em out the door, and nothing makes sense for the rest of his life. Miss Kelly: Well, congratulations; you seem to have a thorough understanding of the life cycle. Cory: Hey, I live it! Eric: Nothing happened. Cory: Yeah, and it DIDN'T happen in Mom and Dad's bed. I have you. I have you by your ovaries. Cory: I miss Linda Shawn: Yeah, I miss Linda too... and Stacey. Cory: And Debbie. Shawn: Yeah, and Debbie. Cory: There is no Debbie! Shawn: Huh? Then how come I miss her so much? Cory: Because you're nuts! Shawn: Cory, I have got something incredible to tell you. But for security reasons, I am going to use our code. Cory: Well, we don't have a code, Shawn. Shawn: Really? Guys like us should have a code. Cory: Well, you know, we'll bring that up at the next meeting. Shawn: So when's our next meeting? Cory: Shawn, we don't have meetings! Shawn: This club blows! Cory: So, do you know what the best part of being a virgin is? Shawn Hunter: What? Cory: No, I'm asking. Cory: You get Feeny this year? Shawn: Yeah. You? Cory: Yeah. Which courses? Shawn: All of them. Cory: Yeah, me too. [Cory and Shawn have a band named The Exits] Shawn: You know, there was one point there where I thought that we really had them. They were screaming EXITS! EXITS! Cory: Shawn, they were looking for a way out! [after Topanga changes the rear-view mirror position while Cory drives and Cory makes her change it back] Cory: Great! Now I can see if there are any cars coming up my crotch! Sergeant Moore: Boy you are disgrace to this community, this country, and humanity in general! Eric: Oh, wow! Shawn Hunter: Gotta love Halloween. It really brings people together. Topanga: I mean, don't you find it... sexy, Cory? Cory: "Cory" and "sexy" in the same sentence. [chuckles] Cory: Weh-heh-hell, I do believe your resolve is weakening, my little kumquat. Eric: Hey, Artie. Arthur: It's Arthur. Eric: You're up for the same internship. Arthur: Eric, I'm going to save you the embarrassment. I'm a straight A student, my documentaries have gone to multiple film festival honors, and I have a letter of recommendation from Ted Turner. Eric: Your point? Arthur: I could walk in without pants and get this job. Eric: I've seen you in gym class, Arthur, wear pants. Caterer: Quiche? Eric: Don't mind if I do. [kisses her] [Eric and Jennifer Love Fefferman have been killed by the murderer] Jack: Eric! Feffie... Eric, he was my friend, my roomate! I didn't really know her. Jack: Wait, without Eric I can't afford to live in my apartment anymore. If I can't afford to live in my apartment anymore, then I don't want to live! [Jack runs to windowsill and prepares to jump] Angela Moore: Wait Jack, Shawn is still your roommate, together you can make the rent. Jack: Ok, let's go back inside now. Jack, Angela Moore: Ahhhh! [Jack and Angela fall to their doom] Shawn Hunter: [when Topanga moves away, breaking his "TV is like life" philosophy] What the hell kind of TV show is this? Shawn Hunter: Maybe you haven't heard of Jennifer Lopez versus Carmen Electra on Celebrity Death Match... in pudding... on ponies. Rider Strong: Hey, banana boy? Wanna be a star? Stuart: Any more questions, George? Mr. George Feeny: Just one. Is it okay, if I rip off your head, and roll it down the hall way? Cory: [discussing Cory and Topanga's breakup, and that Topanga went out with another guy the night before. Shawn has lost hope for the relationship] So we're the only two guys in the world who think there's still hope for Topanga and me, and you're throwing in the towel? Shawn Hunter: [nods] Yeah. Cory: Okay, all right. [turns away] Shawn Hunter: You okay? Cory: Yeah, sure. It's a strange feeling though. Cory: What, that it's finally over between you and Topanga? Cory: [turns back to face Shawn] No, being the only person who knows it's not. Shawn Hunter: [Cory and Shawn are discussing Cory and Topanga's recent breakup] Cory, Topanga went out with another guy last night. I'm really sorry, man. Cory: So we're the only two people in the world who still have hope for Topanga and me, and you're throwing in the towel? Shawn Hunter: [nods] Sorry, Cory. Cory: All right. [turns away] Shawn Hunter: You okay? Cory: Yeah, sure. It's a strange feeling, though. Shawn Hunter: What, knowing that it's finally over between you and Topanga? Cory: [turns back to face Shawn] No, being the only one who knows it's not. Cory: [remarking on how he can't learn geography because it keep changing] Why can't geography be like history? We always win World War Two, Lincoln always gets shot... Mr. George Feeny: Lincoln got off easy. Shawn: Cory, there co-ed bathrooms. Girls shower in there, NAKED! Cory: [talking to Topanga, who is considering calling off their wedding because her parents divorced] If every marriage failed except one, I guarantee you that one would be ours. Alan Matthews: [Morgan is going out on a date with a boy in the 8th grade] The 8th grade? What's wrong with the boys in the 5th grade? Morgan Matthews: I'm in the 7th grade, Dad! Cory: What if he's just like Feeny, only... Feenier? Cory: Mommy, its me, Cory! you used to wipe my tushy! Cory: [his grandma gets him a baseball card] Where did you get this? Grandma Matthews: Where did I get it? I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die... Then, I pulled this card out of his cold, dead fingers... Or I bought it at a swap meet for six bucks, you make the call! Cory: You gave me bad advise in a dream! Mr. George Feeny: I'm not responsible for dream Feeny! [Mr. Feeny has just given Eric back his paper] Eric: Oh... Mr. Feeny, you didn't finish your sentence. A... what? Eric: Oh my God! He killed Kenny! Cory: We'll always know he was this tall. Cory: My dad's a grocer. I'm a grocer's son. I'm a son-of-a-grocer! Cory: [after a date at a poetry reading] I love poetry now! You know, I could be a poet: There once was a boy named Cory. Eric: Who now has an interesting story! Cory: He learned about kissin'... Eric: And all he was missin'... Shawn Hunter: When he and Topanga made out! Cory: [to Shawn] Can you say summer school? Cory: I'm thinking of becoming a poet. There once was a boy named Cory... Eric: Who has an interesting story... Cory: He learned about kissing... Eric: And all he was missing... Shawn Hunter: When he and Topanga made out! Cory: [to Shawn] Can you say, "Summer school?" Jack: She got sick and said that chicken soup would help her feel better. I told her it probably would. Then I went bowling. Eric: Guys, I've come to a conclusion: Men are idiots. Eric, Cory, Alan, Shawn Hunter, Mr. George Feeny, Jack: What? Eric: Wait! There's more! Men are big idiots. Eric, Cory, Alan, Shawn Hunter, Mr. George Feeny, Jack: Hmm... yeah. TV voice: Now, there are two arctic caribou, where previously, there were not one, but none. Mr. George Feeny: [Rachel, Eric, Cory and Topanga are playing the Fianc Game, and Mr. Feeny has been selected to read the questions] Okay, Rachel, what is Eric's favorite fish? Rachel McGuire: Umm... penguin! Mr. George Feeny: No, I don't think you understand... Eric: [Flips up paper with the word penguin written on it] BAM! Rachel McGuire: Oh, do I know my man? Eric: It's like we share the same brain. [Eric is reading a ltter from Cory] Cory: [voiceover] Dear Eric, You think I'm safe. Well, I'm not. I'm dangerous. I'm going to the amusement park with Mr. Feeny. Eric: [stops reading] With Mr. Feeny? [continues] Cory: Yes, with Mr. Feeny. [Cory is in the hospital, and is under anesthesia] Cory: I'll have the soup. What are you going to have King Louis? Topanga: I don't sweat, I glisten. Shawn Hunter: [hands her a towel] Well, you're glistening like a pig. Mr. George Feeny: [Cory's class is reading the Scarlet Letter] I now return you to your lesson on... Mr. George Feeny: [looks at board] the letter A. Keep up the good work [Cory, Topanga, Shawn, Angela, Eric, and Jack are trapped in the high school with a murderer. He has just now murdered Mr. Feeny. They are hiding in a classroom trying to figure out what to do next] Topanga: Feeny's dead... Feeny's dead! Mr. Feeny is dead! Cory: Feeny can't die, how can Feeny die? Shawn Hunter: He was the first suspect. It's my fault, the second I suspected him, I signed his death warrant. Angela: Well, is any one of us safe? Shawn Hunter: Yeah, virgins. Virgins never die. Cory: All right! [to Topanga] Cory: Thanks for saving me. Eric: [happily] I'm dead! Jack: I'm dead. Shawn Hunter: I'll get as sick as you can get without actually... dying. Angela: Feeny, he's dead. [Eric and Shawn lock eyes, thinking the exact same thing] Eric: All right! Shawn Hunter, Eric: [cheering and signing] Go, Feeny, go, Feeny, go... Cory: [annoyed] Okay! Listen. As happy as I am for Feeny, I am scared to death here. Mr. George Feeny: Gutenberg's generation thirsted for a new book every six months! Your generation gets a new web page every 6 seconds. And how do you use this technology? To try and beat King Koopa, and rescue the princess. Shame on you. You deserve what you get. [Bell rings] Mr. George Feeny: Sit down. Stay where you are. For the first time, I choose to walk out on you. [Topanga is choking him] Shawn Hunter: [looks upward] Dad! I'm comin'! Eric: [shouts] Sneak attack! Morgan Matthews #2: That was the longest time out I've ever had. Topanga: [Topanga reveals that she is not pregnant, just dieting because she believes she is fat] That's why Eric and I went on a diet. [points to Eric] Eric: [stuffing his face with food] I'm not fat. I'm pregnant. Cory: Look for the union label, is anybody behind me, my Shawn? Eric: [to Cory] I want you to know, in this, your darkest hour of your teenage life, I trying really hard not laugh! [Cracks up laughing] Mr. George Feeny: [Eric is begging] Oh have some dignity, man! Mr. George Feeny: Mr Matthews, what was I just talking aboout? Cory: [stutters] Uhhh... Mr. George Feeny: Ok, Mr. Hunter, what was I just talking about? Shawn Hunter: President Roosevelt and the New Deal. Mr. George Feeny: [clutches heart] O dear lord he's right. Shawn Hunter: Hey Mr. Feeny, it's been my answer for two years. It had to pay off sometime! Cory: [On a road trip with Eric, wanting to go home] I wan

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