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[Opening narration]
Narrator:
In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who investigate crime; and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories.
Jamie Ross:
Killers are protected by the church, the law says two people can fire the same bullet and now the victim's mom forgives the murderer. You figure it out.
Jack McCoy:
You don't think you could?
Jamie Ross:
Forgive him? No.
Jack McCoy:
Neither could I. What does that say about us?
Detective Rivera:
You know, McCoy, you wanna put the bad guys behind bars you have to get your hands dirty.
Jack McCoy:
The problem is, detective, sometimes it doesn't stop at the hands.
Adam Schiff:
You got around double jeopardy. You climbed Everest in your shorts. On a cold day.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
I specifically asked for him to be put on suicide watch. Apparently here at Riker's that mean that they watch you commit suicide.
Danielle Melnick:
You turning soft on me, Jack?
Jack McCoy:
You know I'm a sucker for an execution. I'm just here for the tortellini.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
You know, if I didn't already know you don't have kids, I'd know you don't have kids.
[Rifling through 30-year old evidence]
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
I got one word for you, Rey - plastics.
Adam Schiff:
Clarence Darrow had Leopold and Leob, and who do we have?
Jack McCoy:
Beavis and Butthead.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
We got a hit on the fake fur.
Det. Rey Curtis:
Yeah, you'll never guess what they make them out of.
Lt. Anita Van Buren:
Recycled soda bottles. What else did you find out?
Ben Stone:
Although justice must be tempered with mercy, it must still maintain a sense of retribution.
Ben Stone:
The jury should look like society. People that represent the victim as well as the defendant
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Even though you are a taxpayer, you know, we don't actually work for you personally.
[Trying to keep a suspect from escaping through a window]
Det. Ed Green:
Rock, paper, scissors, gun.
Emil Skoda:
That's just a load of rehearsed crap.
Jack McCoy:
I remember how hard it was when I realized my father was a son of a bitch. I can't imagine what it must be like when you realize you raised one.
Jack McCoy:
You played me, you son of a bitch!
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
I'm trying to decide what to arrest you for - obstruction of justice, harboring a fugitive or just being a general pain in the ass!
Detective Lennie Briscoe:
We had a deal, you son of a bitch!
Jack McCoy:
You son of a bitch! You played me!
Adam Schiff:
You do what you have to do, you're still welcome to my scotch.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
I want to go to law school so I can learn how to turn gold into lead.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
I told you, you should have gone to bed with her. You're getting the grief without getting the gravy.
Jack McCoy:
Your grief might seem a little more real had you not just admitted you cut off your wife's head.
Det. Ed Green:
If you're going to lie, be creative or we'll get bored.
Jack McCoy:
Are you kidding? Shelly Cates could convince a jury that Jeffrey Dahmer had an eating disorder.
Jack McCoy:
Sometimes you have to make deals with the devil.
Jamie Ross:
Just make sure you don't get your eyebrows singed.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Boy, I'd hate for somebody to trace me by what I read.
Det. Rey Curtis:
You read, Lennie?
Lt. Anita Van Buren:
If he's not Fallon, who the hell is he?
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Well the FBI says he's not in the witness protection program but they mighta had their fingers crossed.
Witness:
It used to be that you honked when somebody cut you off. Now they drag you out of the car, and beat the crap out of you.
Det. Rey Curtis:
Why not? Who's gonna stop him? You?
Jack McCoy:
Never get Freudian on a man holding a pickle.
Lt. Anita Van Buren:
Do you believe him?
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
I believe on a good day he couldn't hit his ass with both hands.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
When I was a kid growing up around here, worst thing that could happen was you skinned your knee playing Johnny on the pony.
Det. Rey Curtis:
I don't remember my childhood being that rosy.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
When was that, last week?
Danielle Melnick:
Julian Prusse is accused of a crime but that doesn't make him Hannibal Lecter.
Danielle Melnick:
Hello, Jack. Ok, let's talk turkey. What are you up to?... And don't give me that party line about Prusse being a threat to society.
Jack McCoy:
When you argue, I have this compulsive need to argue back.
Lt. Anita Van Buren:
So, I heard you went in hot pursuit today.
Det. Ed Green:
Yeah. Perp tried to climb out the window.
Lt. Anita Van Buren:
I'm surprised you didn't push him.
Det. Ed Green:
[pause] Me, too.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
[in disgust to Det. Ed Green] Ed, I sold my plantation over a century ago.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Divorce lawyers... God's way of telling you to stay single.
Det. Rey Curtis:
Or married.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Love - a dangerous disease instantly cured by marriage.
ADA Jamie Ross:
I believe in monsters and things that go bump in the night, Jack. May they rot in hell, along with their attorneys.
D.A. Arthur Branch:
Sometimes the good you do won't do you any good.
Adam Schiff:
A motive pulled straight from the tabloids. And what about means and opportunity? Are you getting that from comic books?
EADA Ben Stone:
My father wanted me to be a doctor. I took a year of medical school just to please him.
Adam Schiff:
What happened?
EADA Ben Stone:
I grew up.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Just like the Bates Hotel. They check in but they never check out.
Prof. Norman Rothenberg:
What part of double jeopardy don't you understand?
Jack McCoy:
I'm well acquainted with it Mr. Rothenberg, and it doesn't scare me.
[a victim has died, apparently during S&M sex]
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers:
No defensive wounds.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
That's odd.
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers:
Yeah, the fun part for these guys is the struggle AFTER they've been tied up.
[pause]
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers:
Or so I've heard.
Lt. Anita Van Buren:
I'd like it if you two became real partners.
Detective Lennie Briscoe:
And I'd like it if my ex-wives got partners. No more alimony.
Detective Lennie Briscoe:
You know, Rey, if you ever left the police department, you could have a hell of a career as an egg timer.
Lt. Anita Van Buren:
I'd better go. I'm late for my daily spanking at One Police Plaza.
[upon learning that an old gangster had himself killed to frame his cheating young wife and her boyfriend]
DA Branch:
Well, I guess it beats dousing yourself in rum and lighting up a Cohiba.
EADA Jack McCoy:
You can re-write the law when you're appointed to the Supreme Court.
D.A. Arthur Branch:
God willing.
ADA Jack McCoy:
There comes a time in everyone's political career when you have to expect a couple over easy in the kisser.
[handcuffing a suspect]
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
You've heard of the Seven Rings of Saturn? These are the Two Rings of Riker's.
ADA Serena Southerlyn:
So, her sex life is way better than mine, so what?
Ben Stone:
I'm not the one on trial here, and I'm the one who asks the questions!
Det. Ed Green:
[a suspect, who'd complained of radiating pain in his neck, tries to escape from his apartment; Green goes to apprehend him] That's good, now radiate your ass up against the wall!
[the driver of a Jaguar has been shot; a carjacking is suspected]
Det. Ed Green:
Just give up the car! Man, when are people gonna realize it isn't worth your life?
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Spoken like somebody who's never owned a Jag.
Det. Rey Curtis:
When I filled out my ethnicity, I had to put "Other"...
Jack McCoy:
[waiter brings a drink bought by the defense attorney in the last case] Take it back.
ADA Claire Kincaid:
You can't forgive anyone, can you?
Jack McCoy:
Nope. Besides, that was bourbon; I'm drinking scotch.
[about Claire Kincaid's death]
Jack McCoy:
You know, before it happened... she wanted to quit. I talked her out of it.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Yeah, well... I could have kept walking past that bar.
[looking at a murder victim]
Det. Ed Green:
Bare foot, cross painted on her chest. Looks like we're dealing with some religious nut.
[watching Van Buren and Fontana tear into each other]
Det. Ed Green:
Look, we can sit here and argue politics all day long, but there's still gonna be a dead girl in the morgue.
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers:
I got another body coming in. Guy took a javelin to the chest.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Why are you still in this line of work?
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers:
Free javelins.
[phone rings, Rodgers answers]
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers:
Rodgers.
[pause; she hands the phone to Green]
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers:
Your lieutenant.
[Green looks at the receiver but won't touch it]
Det. Ed Green:
What's that on the receiver? Brains?
Medical Examiner Elizabeth Rodgers:
Egg salad, maybe.
Det. Ed Green:
You got another phone?
[looking at a hospital sign that says "Pediatric Oncology"]
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Now there's two words that should never go together.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
[Is waiting for McCoy outside a hospital] Did you put iron in your cheerios this morning?.
Jack McCoy:
Are you talking to me now?
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Hey, do things our way and we'll talk to you all you want.
Det. Rey Curtis:
Hey, didn't you learn anything from Mister Rogers? A policeman is your best friend.
ADA Jack McCoy:
If that's the way you feel, Danielle, move to suppress.
Danielle Melnick:
Right. Judge Logan's gonna rule FISA violates the Fourth Amendment. How many beers have *you* had?
Jack McCoy:
The last time I checked, "Stupid" isn't a defense for murder!
Det. Rey Curtis:
Scientists! If they can do it, they do it. They never think whether they *should* do it.
Capt. Donald Cragen:
What'd he say?
Det. Mike Logan:
He told us to go to hell
Capt. Donald Cragen:
Well, at least he's got a way with words.
Ben Stone:
I'm a Catholic - I can feel guilty about anything.
Arraignment judge:
Life is beautiful. All God's children are innocent.
Adam Schiff:
Flipped a coin in my head. Came up tails. Talk to the boy.
Adam Schiff:
People see the devil as an allegory.
ADA Jack McCoy:
I'm not so sure I do.
Abbie Carmichael:
Horns and a pitchfork, Jack?
[about gay marriage]
Jack McCoy:
Let 'em marry. Why shouldn't they be as miserable as the rest of us?
Abbie Carmichael:
Ugh. Doctors. I can't believe my mother wanted me to marry one.
Coffee Shop Clerk:
[Briscoe and Curtis are investigating the disappearance of a coffee shop owner] He usually likes to keep a close watch on the cash drawer, but he hasn't been around in a couple of days. Anyway, how about a free large latte on the house?
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Maybe for the kid here, but I'd like a regular coffee.
Coffee Shop Clerk:
Okay, how would you like it?
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Uh, regular?
Lt. Anita Van Buren:
It wasn't the eighteen floors from the window to the street that killed her, it was the sudden stop.
[after being led to the body of a slain cop by a confession obtained by a faulty deal]
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
Congratulations, you just bought the Brooklyn Bridge from a double murderer.
Det. Rey Curtis:
You're a Catholic.
Jack McCoy:
Not at work. Sorry.
Adam Schiff:
What? A mother and son killing each other's spouses. What the heck kind of family is this?
Abbie Carmichael:
A dysfunctional one.
ADA Jack McCoy:
Sometimes Lennie Briscoe doesn't hit it out of the park.
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
I don't like to be second guessed!
[referring to Ed Green]
Det. Lennie Briscoe:
I've been walking on eggshells the whole time he's been here!
[to Briscoe after he exited from an interrogation room where there is a young suspect]
Abbie Carmichael:
Oh, great. You made her cry.
Abbie Carmichael:
Gentleman, if we can just lower the amount of testosterone...
ADA Serena Southerlyn:
[after being fired] Is this because I'm a lesbian?