David: I remember when they told Sylvia Plath, "Hey, Syl, cheer up!" I remember when they told e. e. cummings, "e, baby; use caps!" But did ol' e listen? No. Little n. Little o. David: And then last night, an idea hit me! Maddie: Left a bruise, I hope. David: Who is the one person out there, who is spreading happiness and joy out there in the world? Maddie: Steven Spielberg? David: SANTY CLAUS! Maddie: If people are meant to be together, they'll find each other, no matter where, no matter what, right? Isn't that right? Maddie: Just when I think you've gone as low as you can go, you find a basement door! Maddie: You have the morals of rabbit, the character of a slug, and the brain of a platypus. Maddie Hayes: Well, let me remind you Mr. Addison, that one case does not a detective make. David Addison: Well, let me remind you Ms. Hayes, that I HATE IT WHEN YOU TALK BACKWARDS. Maddie Hayes: David, may I please have some ANSWERS? David Addison: Delaware, all of the above, 90 degrees. David Addison: Do bears bear? Do bees be? Maddie Hayes: That man belongs in a pound. Agnes DiPesto: Pound of what? Man: You can't just burst in here like that. David Addison: Oh yeah? Tell that to the writers. [Reading a ransom note] Maddie Hayes: "Exactly"'s all in capital letters. What do you think that means? David Addison: I think it means exactly what it says. Maddie Hayes: Unhand me! David Addison: I'll try, but I don't think they'll come off! Maddie Hayes: Good husband, are we married merrily? David Addison: Yea, verily, we are married merrily... though at first warily, and unfortunately quite sterilely. Baptista: It is plain the whole town knoweth of the deal 'twixt me and Petruchio. And if the whole town knoweth, then 'tis possible that Kate knoweth. And if Kate knoweth and knoweth that the whole town knoweth and knoweth that we knoweth that she knoweth - knowest what that means? Herbert Viola: No-eth. Maddie Hayes: Wipe that stupid grin off your face. David Addison: This is the smartest grin I know. Security Officer: I'm sorry, but you're not on the guest list. David Addison: That's because we're not guests. We're looking for a man with a mole on his nose. Security Officer: A mole on his nose? Maddie Hayes: A mole on his nose. Security Officer: [to Maddie] What kind of clothes? Maddie Hayes: [to David] What kind of clothes? David Addison: What kind of clothes do you suppose? Security Officer: What kind of clothes do I suppose would be worn by a man with a mole on his nose? Who knows? David Addison: Did I happen to mention, did I bother to disclose, that this man that we're seeking with the mole on his nose? I'm not sure of his clothes or anything else, except he's Chinese, a big clue by itself. Maddie Hayes: How do you do that? David Addison: Gotta read a lot of Dr. Seuss. Security Officer: I'm sorry to say, I'm sad to report, I haven't seen anyone at all of that sort. Not a man who's Chinese with a mole on his nose with some kind of clothes that you can't suppose. So get away from this door and get out of this place, or I'll have to hurt you - put my foot in your face. Maddie Hayes: David, I just don't think... David Addison: [interrupting] That's okay, you look good. Petruchio/Addison: You see through me, Kate. No tuner I. But I wish it were within my talents to play piano for you. Kate/Maddie: 'Tis a sad thing indeed. You're the only man I know who suffereth from pianist envy. Lucentio/Viola: Stay! Didst I hear, "I come to wive it wealthily in Padua?" Petruchio/Addison: Pray sir, yea sir, I dare say I did say. Lucentio/Viola: Yea sir, you do say you did say? Petruchio/Addison: Yea, I say, but why do you bray? Do not gainsay what I say that we may make headway. I foray this way that I may be home ere midday. Lucentio/Viola: Hooray for this day and the words that you say and forgive my display, but I have something to say. Petruchio/Addison: Then without further delay, I say, fire away! David Addison: I know who he is, he paints naked girls. Maddie Hayes: Nudes. David Addison:
Nudes, right. Nakeds have staples in them.
Mortician: This is him, Edward O'Leary. Recognize him? Maddie Hayes: I don't know, we never knew him. Mortician: Then what did you want to look at the body for? Maddie Hayes: What did we want to look at the body for? David Addison: We're private detectives. It's what we do. Mortician: You wanna look at any others while you're here? Maddie Hayes: No thanks. Our limit is one stiff per day. [Maddie grabs David by the throat] Maddie Hayes: Addison! You better figure out a way to get me off this train! David Addison: Whoa! Lady, I will gladly get you off this train. I will throw you off this train, if necessary, but kindly refrain from any physical act that is not of an erotic nature. Maddie Hayes: Brian Baker called me names. Preston Holt lied to me. Omar Gaus mocked me. I don't think I like men anymore. David Addison: We still like you. Maddie Hayes: I didn't even know you had a brother. David Addison: Never thought of him as a brother - just mom and dad's science project. David Addison: Do math majors multiply? Do eggs get laid? David Addison: Could've fooled me. Maddie Hayes: A gnat with a lobotomy could fool you. David Addison: Boy, are you a tough customer. I bet you didn't even clap your hands to save Tinkerbell. David Addison: What about this banquet? I don't want to go. Maddie Hayes: We're going. It's very important. David Addison: Important for what? Okay, it will give us a chance to fight in public, but what else? Maddie Hayes: I wouldn't want you losing any more sleep over me. David Addison: Believe me, if and when I ever find myself over you, the last thing I'll be thinking about is sleeping. Maddie Hayes: I had no idea. David Addison: That's okay. I got lots of 'em. I'll loan you one. Maddie Hayes: You are eye crust! David Addison: The better to see you with, my dear. Maddie Hayes: You are navel lint! David Addison: Expensive navel lint. Maddie Hayes: You are... David Addison: Don't go much lower, they'll take us off the air. Maddie Hayes: Since when did my personal life outside the office become fair game for your amusement inside the office? David Addison: If I remember correctly, since you started working here. Maddie Hayes: I got an id
ea! David Addison: Excuse me? Maddie Hayes: An idea. You know, an original thought. You've heard of them. Anyway, I was just lying in my bed last night, just lying there, feeling terrible about telling that poor man that he couldn't write Mrs. Woodley anymore, when suddenly, BA-BING! I get this idea... David Addison: Ba-what? Maddie Hayes: Huh? David Addison: Ba-what? I thought I just heard you say ba-bing. Maddie Hayes: Ba-bing? So what if I did say ba-bing? So what? Anyway, David, I suddenly realized - why are you looking at me like that? David Addison: Huh? Maddie Hayes: Why are you looking at me like that? David Addison: You're doing me. Maddie Hayes: I'm WHAT? David Addison: You're doing me, Maddie. You come in here, you slam the door, you say ba-bing, you sit on the corner of that desk - I know what I'm talking about, Maddie Hayes. This is not just some idea I plucked out of my head willy-nilly - now I'm doing you! Maddie Hayes: David! Are you all right? David Addison: Trust me Maddie, we are doing this backwards. Let's just go to your office and start all over. Maddie Hayes: You're an animal! David Addison: Exactly. Maddie Hayes: And what does that mean? David Addison: The male of the species engages in sexual congress no less than forty-six thousand, five hundred and three times from the time he is thirteen until the time he runs out of ammo. Maddie Hayes: You know that and you can't remember our zip code? Maddie Hayes: David! Can I have a minute of your time, please? David Addison: Take two, they're small. Agnes DiPesto: Mr. Addison. Here's your ticket. David Addison: Thanks again, Agnes. Agnes DiPesto: I guess this means you're going away. David Addison: Agnes, in all my born days I have never met a person who could put two and two together faster than you. Agnes DiPesto: Math was always my strongest subject. David: Do ducks duck? David: Do flies fly? David: Does Spock beam up? [picking Maddie up at Police station] David Addison: Why is my client being held at this hour, and why isn't it by me? Maddie Hayes: [singing] I told you I love ya, now get out. David Addison: [scaring Maddie] Hey lady, want to lick my mail! Orson Welles