Jane Powell: [watching a riot on TV] What do you expect if you keep taking people's jobs away? Mark Varda: Got nothing to do with it. Jane Powell: Wha
t do you mean? Mark Varda: They don't want jobs. At least not the kind they're qualified to do. So even if we did manage to open all those steel mills and dog biscuit factories, we wouldn't get them to sign on. Jane Powell: Are you saying they don't want to work? Mark Varda: Oh, I dare say they wouldn't mind being president of IBM or a TV star. Or John McEnroe. Bill Hooper: [on married life] Well, we gave each other total freedom and we hated each other for taking total advantage of it. Bill Hooper: You don't even seem to be angry. Roger Miles: I can't afford to get angry. If I ever let myself get angry I could do some real damage. Bill Hooper: I decided they really piss me off, women. Roger Miles: What do you mean? Bill Hooper: What? All this relating. Relationships. Inter-relating. Roger Miles: That's what they're good at. Bill Hooper: Oh, don't get me wrong, I always endorsed all that. I used to argue Feminism against women. I was such a good boy, you know. I even joined the men's group once. God, that was really depressing. Endless whingeing. It's not like the women's group, they enjoy themselves. They used to meet at our flat. I used to hear them haranging one another or roaring with laughter while I was making the bloody tea. I really envied them. I knew at the time they were right to be angry. They were absolutely justified, never disputed that for a moment. All the same, they really pissed me off. Bill Hooper: Couldn't they come up with some sort of compromise? Roger Miles: Compromise? She's taking him to Australia. What sort of compromise do you suggest, Singapore? Leonard Scruby: So you had absolutely no idea your wife was subject to these tendencies? Roger Miles: None whatsoever. Leonard Scruby: Good. And how did you find out? Roger Miles: My son told me. Leonard Scruby: Oh, excellent. What did he say? Roger Miles: She shares a bed with this women. Leonard Scruby: Who is a known Lesbian? Roger Miles: Yes. She got married once. Leonard Scruby: Excuse me? Roger Miles: To another women. Read something about it somewhere. Gay News. Don't know if she's had a divorce. Leonard Scruby: Well, this is most promising. And where has your wife taken the boy? Roger Miles: Brixton. Leonard Scruby: Oh, wonderful. Mark Varda: Quick smash and grab in the County Court. We can get away with it, don't you think, Leonard? Leonard Scruby: A bit of a long shot, isn't it? I would have thought we'd stand a better chance with a magistrate. Mark Varda:
But not much fun, though. Also a bit hit and miss. What we need is the right judge.
Leonard Scruby: Now, this is your affidavit, Mr Miles. It sets out your reason for applying for care and control. Mark Varda: Should be alright. Bound to be, really. Can always rely on Kirby Smith for a genuinely reactionary decision. Mark Varda: When shall we three meet again? Or four. Leonard Scruby: It's very depressing round here. You know it all all? Bill Hooper: Yes. I've lived here for years. Mark Varda: Ah, South London. A flavour all of its own. [Dancing] Mark Varda: Wading through the muck and mire. Hello, muck. Higher mire! Mark Varda: The trick was to get the same judge sit to preside over the final hearing. Same judge, same verdict. That's the beauty of the system. Bill Hooper: [on relationships] When I was at university you had to fight all the way. It was all about negotiated settlements. Mark Varda: Tell me something. Just as a matter of interest. Have you had anything similar in your own life? Bill Hooper: What do you mean? Mark Varda: Separation. Divorce. A friend losing a child? Bill Hooper: Yeah, I suppose so. Mark Varda: Thought as much. It's always the way. The crony in the background vicariously working out his anger, or her. It's much more commonly a women. Bill Hooper: Is it? Mark Varda: Anyway. Hope you're feeling better now. Bill Hooper: Tell me something. Does the name shitbum mean anything to you? Roger Miles: Well, we certainly jerked her lead. Bill Hooper: Why did you have to say that? Roger Miles: I wouldn't have. But it's true.