Samantha:
Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life, and I'm like a disease.
The Geek:
Would you guys please hurry up, I'm breaking like 30 major laws here.
[Long Duk Dong is dancing with Lumberjack, his head is on her ample chest]
Lumberjack:
What's your last name?
Long Duk Dong:
Dong.
Lumberjack:
What's your first name?
Long Duk Dong:
Long.
Lumberjack:
What's your middle name?
Long Duk Dong:
Duk.
The Geek:
Where the hell am I?
Caroline:
I'll, uh, tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.
The Geek:
I'm Farmer Ted.
Caroline:
You're in the parking lot in front of my church.
The Geek:
You own a church?
Mike Baker:
She's got her period. Should be an interesting honeymoon.
Jim Baker:
Where are you learning this stuff?
Mike Baker:
School.
Jim Baker:
Good, get my money's worth.
Ginny:
I really love Rudy. He is totally enamored of me. I mean, I've had other men love me before, but not for six months in a row.
Randy:
Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It's bad for your complexion.
Brenda Baker:
Can you remember to turn off the stove in twenty minutes?
Samantha:
I can remember lots of things.
Grandma Helen:
Oh Sam, let me take a look at you. Fred, she's gotten her boobies.
Grandpa Fred:
I better get my magnifying glass. Ha Ha Ha.
Grandma Helen:
Oh, and they are so PERKY.
[reaches to cup them]
Grandma Helen:
[cut to:]
Samantha:
I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up.
[Caroline is very drunk]
Caroline:
Who's he?
Jake:
That's me.
Caroline:
Who are you?
Jake:
I'm him.
Caroline:
Oh, ok.
The Geek:
5f
This information cannot leave this room. Ok? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.
fdc
Samantha:
No problem.
The Geek:
I've never bagged a babe. I'm not a stud.
The Geek:
Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Y'know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I'm too torqued up to say no.
Jake:
[Jake is now holding Samantha's panties] These are really hers?
The Geek:
Yeah.
Jake:
How did you get 'em?
The Geek:
She gave 'em to me.
Jake:
Did you...?
The Geek:
No! She cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you're the cats meow!
Jake:
Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.
The Geek:
Girls will do that, Jake. You know? They know that guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics. I'm telling you.
Jake:
I thought she hated my guts.
The Geek:
Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. Sometimes I go a week without lunch because some bitch wants to borrow my lunch money. Any halfway decent girl can rob me blind. Because I'm too twuirked up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you.
Jake:
You better not be dicking me around. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I'm a slime.
The Geek:
Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?
Jake:
I'll kick your ass.
The Geek:
Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, that if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Jake:
I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
The Geek:
[almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?
Jake:
I'll make a deal with you.
[holds up the panties]
Jake:
You let me keep these, I'll let you take Caroline home. But you've got to make sure she gets home. You can't leave her in a parking lot somewhere. Okay?
The Geek:
Jake, I'm only a freshman.
Jake:
So, she's so blitzed she won't know the difference.
The Geek:
Jake, I don't have a car.
Jake:
You can take mine.
The Geek:
Jake, I don't have license.
Jake:
I trust you.
The Geek:
Jake, I'd love to... I can't.
[holds out a bowl]
The Geek:
Want a pretzel?
23
Jake
ffb
:
You sure?
[takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]
The Geek:
Positive.
The Geek:
[Farmer Ted is in Jake's dad car. Jake just saw he and Caroline kissing] I'm dead.
[the phone rings and he answers it]
The Geek:
Hello?
Cliff:
Ted, you never called us back. What happened?
The Geek:
Look, wheez, I told you not to call me here.
Cliff:
Ted, we're dying, what happened?
The Geek:
You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!
[the bride arrives at the church, obviously out of it]
Brenda Baker:
Her monthly bill came early. Well, she's fine, she just took a muscle relaxer.
Ginny:
Try *four*.
[last lines]
Jake:
Happy birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.
Samantha:
Well, it already came true.
Samantha:
It's really human of you to listen to all my bullshit.
The Geek:
You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile.
Samantha:
Go to hell.
The Geek:
VERY hostile.
Samantha:
I loathe the bus. There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.
The Geek:
How's it going?
Samantha:
How's what going?
The Geek:
You know - things, life, whatnot.
Samantha:
Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business.
The Geek:
By night's end, I predict me and her will interface.
The Geek:
So, what's your story? I mean, you got a guy, or...?
Samantha:
Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood so quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass.
Samantha:
When you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose. Right?
Randy:
That's a cheerful thought.
Samantha:
This is Farmer Fred.
The Geek:
Ted.
Samantha:
Oh, I'm sorry, Farmer Ted.
The Geek:
I'm not really a farmer. I'm a freshman.
Jim Baker:
That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they'd call them something else.
Jim Baker:
Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork.
Samantha:
Mike thinks I'm a dork.
Jim Baker:
Mike *is* a dork.
ffb
Samantha:
I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek.
Jake:
I can get a piece of ass any time I want. Shit, I got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.
The Geek:
What are you waiting for?
The Geek:
I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me.
Long Duk Dong:
No more yankie my wankie. The Donger need food.
The Geek:
Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?
The Geek:
Nice ma- nice manners, babe.
Randy:
Geek, can I be honest with you?
The Geek:
Not if you're gonna insult me.
Randy:
[laughs] Ok.
The Geek:
Shoot.
Randy:
Get the hell outta here.
The Geek:
Just answer me one question.
Samantha:
Yes, you're a total fag.
The Geek:
Ha ha ha. That's not the question.
Samantha:
Thanks for getting my undies back.
Jake:
Thanks for coming over.
Samantha:
Thanks for coming to get me.
Jake:
Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.
Samantha:
It already came true.
The Geek:
Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.
[on the phone to the police]
Howard:
What was he wearing? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and tan trousers, and red shoes... No, he's not retarded.
Grandpa Fred:
Hey Howard, there's your Chinaman.
Howard:
Thanks Fred.
Jim Baker:
[to Samantha] I don't think I can sleep tonight if I don't think our little talk did some good. So... be a sport and lie to me, okay?
Howard:
Dong. Where is my automobile?
Long Duk Dong:
Oto-mo-biiile?
Samantha:
I can't believe this. They fucking forgot my birthday.
Ginny:
Darling is something bothering you?
[pause]
Ginny:
...you're acting like... an asshole. And I think I know what it is.I think you're jealous that I'm getting married and that I'm getting all the attention.
Samantha:
You know everyone in this family has gone total outer limits.
Ginny:
No Sam, I think you're just acting selfish and immature.
Samantha:
Oh yes that's it. That's exactly it.
Ginny:
[to herself] I can't believe it. You make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you.
Long Duk Dong:
Ooh. Sexy Girlfriend.
Long Duk Dong:
What's happenin' hot stuff?
Long Duk Dong:
Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fit neatly into interesting round pie.
Mike Baker:
It's a quiche.
Long Duk Dong:
How do you spell?
Grandpa Fred:
Well you don't spell it, son, you eat it.
Mike Baker:
What the hell are you bitchin' about? I gotta sleep under some Chinaman named after a duck's dork.
Jake:
I do independent study with her. I catch her lookin' at me a lot. It's kinda cool, the way she's always lookin' at me.
Jock:
Maybe she's retarded
Jake:
I'm being serious, ok. She looks at me like she's in love with me.
Jake:
Yes, hello sir... Um
Howard:
Are you the little bugger that's been calling up here all night and then hanging up?
Jake:
Would it be possible for you to tell me if there is a Samantha Baker there and if so may I converse with her briefly?
Howard:
Yes there is and NO you may not.
Jake:
Might I leave a message sir?
Howard:
He wants to leave a message for Sam.
Jake:
I thought she hated me.
Jake:
It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out she really does think I'm a slime.
Jake:
I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?
The Geek:
Jake I'm only a freshman.
Jake:
So, she's so blitzed she won't know the difference.
The Geek:
Jake I don't have a car.
Jake:
You can take mine.
The Geek:
Jake I don't have a license.
Jake:
I trust you.
Randy:
My brother paid a dollar last night to see your underwear.
Samantha:
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH.
The Geek:
Jake is your dad a big guy?
Jake:
Oh, about 6'4"
The Geek:
Very nice
The Geek:
[Repeated Line] Take those ridiculous things off!
The Geek:
3f
That grill costs $5,000 do you have $5,000 cause I don't
f29
Jake:
Well just don't hit anything.
The Geek:
Don't hit anything he says
The Geek:
O thank you thanks
Caroline:
now we're both on the pill
The Geek:
what?
[Spits out]
The Geek:
Do you know what the can do to a guy my age
Caroline:
I know what they do to a girl my age
Jake:
Open this door!
Long Duk Dong:
No way, Jose!
Jake:
Open the door!
Long Duk Dong:
You punch my face!
Jake:
You grabbed my nuts!
Samantha:
Then where am I sleeping?
Mike Baker:
Sofa City, Sweetheart!
Brenda Baker:
Don't be a smartass.
Mike Baker:
Ok, I'll be a dumbass.
[Ring Ring no one answers the phone... ]
Jake:
Fuck me.
Howard:
Well what did they want?
Dorothy Baker:
Sex.
Dorothy Baker:
[to Sam and Long Duk Dong] Wait a minute. I have a wonderful idea! Would you like to go to the dance with Sam?
Grandma Helen:
[attempting to help with breakfast by opening a box of doughnuts] No, don't wanna use the nails.
Grandma Helen:
[finally opening the box of doughnuts with a knife] Voila! Breakfast is ready!
Samantha:
May I be excused?
Grandma Helen:
Where are you going?
Samantha:
I have a dance to go to at school. It's a very important dance... we're being graded on it for Gym.
Randy:
[Samantha has filled out an "anonymous" sex quiz naming her crush, which has fallen into unknown hands] Jake Ryan? He doesn't even know you exist.
Samantha:
Thank you, that's a very nice thing to say.
Randy:
I'm sorry, but Jake Ryan? He's a senior, and he's taken. I mean really taken.
Samantha:
I know. He's supposed to be my ideal.
Randy:
He's ideal for sure, but forget it.
Samantha:
God, I hope whoever got that note doesn't know it was me who wrote it. I'd shit twice and die.