advertisement Diane: Oh no. The thing I feared most has happened. Carla: What? Your Living Bra died of boredom? Woody: Jack Frost nipping at your toes, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Yeah, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver. [to Diane in court] Sam: To me, our relationship makes perfect sense. You want me to propose to you, I propose to you. You say no, I say fine, I never wanna see you again. You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again, I do, you turn me down. Next thing I know I'm in a court of law where I've got to propose to you or go to jail. It's the classic American love story. Sam: What'll you have Normie? Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap. Sam: Looks like beer, Norm. Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. Sam: What's new, Normie? Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer. Woody: Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. Norm: I know. If she calls, I'm not here. Woody: Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Alright, but stop me at one. Make that one-thirty. Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? Norm: The question is what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody. Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. Diane: He's trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. Carla: He wants you to wear a padded bra? Norm: I want something light and cold. Carla: Sorry, it's Diane's day off. Carla: If you can't say anything nice, say it about Diane. Cliff: Is this me or is this getting a little weird? Carla: You passed weird six months ago. Norm: Now you're boldly going where no man has gone before. Cliff: Boy, I guess it's true what they say, huh? There's a fine line between gardening and madness. Norm: It's a dog eat dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. Frasier: I've been taking stock of myself. Carla: Not exactly AT&T, is it? Diane: Sam, may I have a brief word with you? Sam: I suppose you could, but I doubt it. Cliff: Hey Carla, I have a potato that looks like Richard Milhouse Nixon. Carla: Big deal. Show me one that doesn't. Sam: I've never met an intelligent woman I'd want to date. Diane: On behalf of all the intelligent women in America, may I just say: whew. Woody: What's shakin', Mr. Peterson? Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins. Nick: You think it's easy being a lousy father? Norm: Women. You can't live with 'em. Pass the beernuts. Cliff: What a pathetic display. I'm ashamed God made me a man. Carla: I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging either. Sam: What are you up to, Norm? Norm: My ideal weight... if I were 11 feet tall. Coach: Norm, how come you and Vera never had any kids? Norm: I can't, Coach. Coach: Gee, I'm sorry Norm. Norm: I look at Vera. I just can't. Carla: [to Sam after he complains about the difficulty of doing a Catholic penance] "It's not a religion for wusses." Coach: [answering the phone] Cheers. Ok, wait a minute, I'll check. Is there an "Ernie Pantusso" here? Sam: That's YOU Coach. Coach: Speaking. Frasier: For I am a healer, that is what I do. Cliff: And WE are PANTSERS... Norm: THAT is what WE do. [Frasier runs] Sam: And while you're up there floating around, remember the day I said this: you are the nuttiest, the stupidest, the phoniest fruitcake I ever met. Diane: You, Sam Malone, are the most arrogant, self-centered son of a... Sam: SHUT UP. Shut your fat mouth. Diane: Make me. Sam: Make you? My God, I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm gonna bounce you off every wall of this office. Diane: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Or should I say funnier. Norm: I have, on several occasions, been known to perspire a bit. Carla: We could grow rice. [last lines] Sam: Sorry. We're closed. Lilith: Frasier, how do expect Frederick to learn all the skills he needs if you're hanging out all day in a bar? Norm: Afternoon, everybody. Frederick Crane: Norm. [everyone stops and looks at Frederick] Lilith: [picking up Frederick] Oh, he said, "Mama." [Norm and Cliff watch Frasier and Lilith make out their wills] Cliff: I don't see what the fuss is over this whole will business. When I die, everything goes to ma. Norm: That's great, Cliff, but what if she dies first? Cliff: Shut up. Shut up, Peterson. SHUT UP, THE WHOLE SICK LOT OF YOU. Norm: I thirsty guy walks into a bar... you finish it Mrs. Helen Chambers: [to Sam] ... you're almost as good looking as Diane says you think you are. Carla: If the Brady Bunch crashes in the Andes who would they eat first? Woody: Well probably the maid, 'cause she's not kin Cliff: Yeah, but if they were smart they would ask her the best way to prepare herself. [Lilith and Frasier are having a fight] Lilith: I described you in terms which were positively glowing, which is exactly how I'd like to see you in Hell. Rebecca: Your not letting your employees take advantage of you, are you? Norm: Yeah, maybe a little bit. Yesterday afternoon the guys decided to just knock off early and go bowling. Rebecca: So what did you do? Norm: I broke 200. Personal high. It was great. Carla: What are you all sitting around here like a bunch of wimps for? Norm: It's what wimps do. Cliff: Hey Doc, ah, what do you think the toughest thing to cut through is? Frasier: Your unending bull. Rebecca: I know you have trouble dealing with a woman in a position of authority. Sam: Whoa, wait a minute. I resent that. I've never had trouble with a woman in ANY position. Coach: I'm working on a novel. Going on six years now. I think I might finish it tonight. Diane: You're writing a novel? Coach: No, reading it. Sam: I'm Sam Malone, by the way. Henri: Ooh. I've heard about you in France. Sam: Oh yeah. You follow baseball? Henri: No, stewardesses. Woody: Sam, I found an apartment... It's got everything I ever wanted... a living room and a bedroom. Sam: Isn't this in Chinatown? Woody: I don't think so Sam. Sam: Well yeah I think it is. Did there seem to be a lot of Chinese restaurants around? Woody: Yeah, I guess so. Cliff: Were there a lot of uh signs hanging hither and yonder in Chinese there? Woody: Yeah, come to think of it. Norm: Lots of Chinese people walking around in the street I suppose. Woody: Yeah, but that could just be a coincidence you know. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll call my landlady. If anyone would know, Mrs. Chung would. Rebecca: So did you get a chance to see Carla's babies? Sam: We sure did. They are two of the cutest little guys you have ever seen. Rebecca: Who do they look like Carla or Eddie. Woody: Well they're twins. They kinda' look like each other. Coach: How's life treating you Norm? Norm: Like it caught me in bed with its wife. Coach: How's life treating you Norm? Norm: Like I just ran over its dog. [Norm walks in, and sits] Cliff: Hey, Norm, What's up? Norm: My blood-alcohol level. Lilith: Good afternoon, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Dr. Sternin. What a lovely surprise. Lilith: I hope I can regard that as civility in light of today's situation rather than sarcasm at my expense. Frasier: No, that was completely at your expense. Diane: And everyone knows that hate is not the opposite of love. Indifference is. Sam: Well, whatever you say. I really don't care. Sam: Have you noticed that, uh... somebody in this bar is getting a little loony? Frasier: Sam, everyone in this bar is on a connecting flight to beyond loony. Frasier: So, um... how do you like Cheers? Lilith: Well. It seems adequate for its purpose, but I have a feeling that you only brought me to this place to surround yourself with people you know and I don't. Frasier: Well, yes. But what's more, I thought that we might have a drink or two, thereby lowering our inhibitions a bit and enabling us to go back to your place and have a physical encounter of some sort. Lilith: Well, we won't. Frasier: I appreciate your candor. Lilith: No, you don't. Frasier: You're right. I feel like striking you. Frasier: Sam, I had the most incredible evening. Last night, I dreamed about something - not Diane. Well, she was in the background chattering on about something, naked, but the important thing is, I was a therapist again. Frasier: Sam and Diane - you are now and have always been hopelessly in I guess the word for it is "love", and unfortunately for you, like it or not, you always will be. [amidst their protests] Frasier: I know, I know. Now you're going to deny it. Even though it's ludicrously obvious to everyone around you, you two will go on pretending it's not true because you're EMOTIONAL INFANTS. You're in a living HELL. You love each other, and you hate each other, and you hate yourselves for loving each other. Well, my dear friends, I want no part of it. It's time I just picked up where I left off. It's time to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. So I'll get out of here so you can just get on with your denial fest. [referring to Sam's latest date] Diane: Pretty girl, Sam. Be careful she doesn't lose a baby tooth giving you a hickey. Sam: What's that crack supposed to mean? She... she young or something? Diane: Well, you must admit there's a bit of a gap between your ages. Sam: Oh, yeah? She's a very sophisticated woman, and she has traveled extensively. She's been to Hawaii. Frasier: Boy, I never felt so low in my life. Cliff: Well, Doc, if it means anything to you, I'm here for you. Frasier: It doesn't, Cliff, but thanks. Woody: Boy, Dr. Sternin-Crane having an affair with another guy. This reminds me of a terrible scandal we had back in Hanover, rocked the whole town to its core. Mayor's wife ran off with old Mr. Smithers. Frasier: Well, that's not so scandalous, Woody. Woody: Well, Mr. Smithers was a goat. Lilith: Well, I'm off. I don't know what the future holds. Whatever happens, I only hope I can realize my full potential. To acquire things the old Lilith never had. Carla: Like a body temperature? Lilith: That's very good, Carla. Incidentally, I've taken your little wisecracks for a few years now, you hideous gargoyle, and if you ever open that gateway to hell you call a mouth in my direction again, I'll snap off your extremities like dead branches and feed them to you at gunpoint. Rebecca: You know, I really think I can put together a great Thanksgiving dinner. This'll be the second one that I've cooked, and believe me, the first one was not the disaster that my family said it was. Those kids had a pretty good time in that ambulance. Sam: Are you crazy? Did I hear you just turn down a date with that girl? C'mon, man, reel her in. Frasier: Oh, Sam, you don't seem to understand. Look, I just came off a seven year marriage. It's hard to think of replacing Lilith. Carla: Just go to the morgue and open any drawer. Frasier: All right, let's review. Last night, I got knee walking drunk and now I am back this bar a mere seven and a half hours later, hung over... well, it's official. I have a problem. Sam: You drinking again? Rebecca: Certainly not. I never stopped. Rebecca: I am perfectly prepared to marry Robin and spend the rest of my life with him. I'm just not particularly looking forward to it. Rebecca: You guys, I have my new wedding dress. And now all I need is something old, something borrowed, and something blue. Carla: How 'bout Norm's liver? Norm: I am almost finished with it. Frasier: Afternoon, all. Woody: Hey, how's it going, Dr. Crane? Frasier: Oh, the usual. The crying, the tantrums, the bed-wetting. Woody: Yeah, that's fatherhood. Frasier: No, that's my therapy group. What a buncha losers. Rebecca: Until I began eating clean, I never realized how a good a nice, dry ricecake could taste. Woody: How can you eat those, Miss Howe, they don't have any flavor. Rebecca: Oh, if I eat these I will live longer. Woody: Well, I have a question. You know how you're always talking about how you hate your life? How come you wanna make it longer? Rebecca: Shut up, Woody. Sam: [watches Diane leave for the last time] Have a good life. [Frasier is looking into Lilith's purse] Frasier: Oh, dear God. Sam: What? What is it? Frasier: Lilith is carrying a dead rat in her purse. Why would she be carrying a dead rat in her purse? Carla: Just a wild guess: a snack? Frasier: I can't believe that you're willing to destroy our marriage all because of your childish refusal to accept the death of an animal. Lilith: The very fact that you think of Whitey as "an animal" proves that we are completely incompatible. Frasier: But he WAS an ANIMAL. Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh-What was he, a vegetable, a mineral? Oh, I know. He was the CEO of General Motors. Cliff: Interesting little article here. It says that, uh... the average human being only uses seventeen percent of his brain. Boy, you realize what that means? We don't use a full, uh... sixty-four percent. Norm: Some don't use even more. Sam: You know... you know I always wanted to pop you one? Maybe this is my lucky day, huh? Diane: You disgust me. I hate you. Sam: Are you turned on as I am? Diane: More. Lilith: Your attempt at machismo is totally inadequate. You can't even make eye contact. Frasier: I could look at you if I wanted to, but frankly, I've grown tired of counting the comb marks in your hair. Candi: What's your name? Frasier: Oh, uh... Dr. Frasier Crane. Candi: I'm Candi. Frasier: Ah, yes, so I see from your necklace. Candi with an "I". Candi: Well, I used to spell it with a "Y" but nobody ever took me seriously, so then I switched it to an "I". You know, like Gandhi. Frasier: Yes, yes. I understand that's why he did it. Norm: Boy, I envy Sammy and his carefree lifestyle. Carla: Yeah. Norm: Night after night, he dates pretty girls, while I sit here and wrestle with the world's problems. Carla: You do not. Norm: What do you mean? Last night I let out a moan at the thought of nuclear war. Carla: It wasn't 'cuz of nuclear war, it's cuz we ran out of beer nuts. Norm: It was a combination of the two. Diane: Methinks the man does protest too much. Woody: Excuse me, Miss Chambers, but shouldn't it be "I thinks?" Carla: Not in your case, Woody. Sam: Listen, listen, listen - if you don't love the guy, then why don't you just back out of this? Rebecca: I'm supposed to tell the richest man in the world that I don't wanna marry him? Sam: No, he's not rich anymore, remember? Rebecca: That's right. What's his number? [In regards to Henri, from France] Lilith: Woody, you don't even like this man. He's been bothering you ever since he followed your girlfriend back from Paris, and now you're paying him to photograph you? Woody: Well, he just borrows money from me anyway. This way I don't hafta worry about him paying me back. Lilith: It's good you worked that out, Woody. Lilith: No, you don't understand. Usually, we don't get attached to the rats, but this one was so special. We even named him. Everyone in the lab called him Whitey. Carla: Are you sure they weren't talking to you? Lilith: No, Carla, they were talking about Whitey the rat. Carla: Okay, I'll ask again. Are you sure they weren't talking to you? Lilith: Frasier, I've got to run. I'm having my photograph taken for a new ID badge at the lab. Rebecca: Are you going to get your hair done for that? Lilith: Why on earth should I? Carla: Well, at least get the tension on that bun checked. I mean, if that baby goes, we're all dead. Lilith: That hardly seems just coming from a woman whose hair has never seen a greasy pot it couldn't scrub clean. Lilith: Now while I'm away, I need you to water the plants, pay the paperboy, and take the garbage out on Tuesday nights. I've written it all down for you. Frasier: Lilith, you don't hafta treat me like a child. Lilith: Of course not, Frasier. Oh, please remember: don't open the door to strangers. Frasier: Lilith. Lilith: Well, Frasier, there is a precedent set. We lost our stereo that day. Frasier: Well, he looked friendly and he needed to use the phone. Lilith: It was three o'clock in the morning, darling. Frasier: People have flats at three in the morning. Lilith: He was wearing a ski mask. Diane: One murder does not a murderer make. Woody: What's up? Norm: The warranty on my liver. Norm: I wish I had time for a hobby. Cliff: Norm, you've got time to make your own coal. Esther Clavin: The last thing I want to see is my son's face on the 11 o'clock news. Carla: There's an entire city that agrees with you. [Sam has made a baseball comeback] Norm: Boy oh boy. The thought of Sammy out there, chucking them down. What I wouldn't give to see that. Cliff: Norm, it's only a thirty-dollar train ride. Norm: Well, that's what I wouldn't give. [Red Sox star Wade Boggs enters Cheers] Wade Boggs: Hi, I'm Wade Boggs. Norm: Yeah, pal, and I'm Babe Ruth. Cliff: And I'm Dizzy Dean. Woody: I'm Woody Boyd. Norm: Next to Sammy's life, my life has always appeared dull. Then again, next to a barnacle's life, my life has always appeared dull. Diane: The arrival of yet another thickheaded jock epic. There must be confetti all over the Library of Congress. [Coach has just fired a baseball player for grabbing Diane's ass] Sam: Are you gonna fire him for that little thing? Coach: The only thing he's had in his hands this whole week is Diane's ass. Norm: What's This Old House? Frasier: It's a show on PBS. Norm: What's PBS? Lilith: Tell me you didn't see that coming a mile away. Cliff: Uh oh, looks like Woody's babes are comin' to blows. Sam, Frasier, Cliff, Norm: CAT FIGHT. CAT FIGHT. Kelly Gaines: You get outta my way right now or, so help me God, I'll... I'll hurt your feelings. Emily: You do that and I'll hurt yours right back. Frasier: KITTEN fight. Sam, Norm, Cliff: KITTEN fight. Rebecca: Sam, I need to talk to you, and I have no one else to talk to. Sam: Sure, what is it? Rebecca: I'm having problems with my relationship with Robin, and I think it may have something to do with this. [Reaches into her shirt and pulls off her face like a mask to reveal Al when Sam suddenly wakes up] Sam: I hope that was a dream. Carla: I have five kids. Dr. Bennett Ludlow: Five? Carla: Well, five and counting. You're gonna be a father. Cliff: Well ya see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers. Woody: What's a Freudian Slip? Cliff: That's when you say one thing when you're actually thinking about a mother. [In the Last Episode] Norm: You know what I love? Sam: Beer Norm? Norm: Sure, I'll have one. Lilith: I'd like you to be maid of honor at my wedding. Rebecca: Shouldn't that be for your best friend? Lilith: You are my best friend. Now what is your name? Rebecca: Rebecca. Lilith: Lilith Sternin. Pleased to meet you. Rebecca: Likewise. [Carla and Diane are discussing Nick's new wife] Carla: Look, here's a picture of them. [Diane looks at it, and rolls her eyes] Diane: She's naked. Carla: So what? So is he. Diane: [looking at the picture again] I thought he was wearing mohair pajamas. [Rebecca is considering plastic surgery] Woody: Miss Howe, I may be in the minority here, but I'm tired of all this plastic surgery talk. I think you're perfect just like you are. Rebecca: Well, Woody; no one is perfect. Surely there must be something about me you think needs improving. Woody: OK. Your breasts then. Rebecca: Thank you, Woody. Woody: No. Thank you. [the gang is discussing Cliff's 'girlfriend"] Lilith: Who is this Maggie? Frasier: Just a woman with whom Cliff had a romantic relationship. Lilith: Frasier, if you don't want to tell me just say so. Carla: I'm scared. Norm, hold my hand. [Carla grabs Norm's hand] Norm: Woods, hold my hand. [Norm grabs Woody's hand. He looks at his beer, and then his hands] Norm: Um, Lilith, could you pass me a straw? [Sam is jealous of his brother Derek] Diane: Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's Vineyard. Sam: [bitter] In a plane or on his back? Carla: Who's the biggest bigwig of them all? Al: [his first line] Sinatra. Rebecca: There is some crap up with which I will not put. [the bar is littered with ingredients as Diane is trying to make a Bloody Mary] Diane: Lot of ingredients in a Bloody Mary, Sam. Sam: Yeah, I know. That's why we usually mix up 5 gallons and put it in the refrigerator beforehand. How come doing this, Carla? Why'd you let her do it? Carla: I wanted to see her try and make vodka. Carla: Yeah, Lilith you look like a million bucks. Lilith: Thank you Carla. Carla: You didnt let me finish, what I was going to say was you look like a million bucks just stampeded across your face. Lilith: Thank you Carla, I hope you don't forget us when you become president of Hallmark. Cliff: How would the Civil War had changed if Abraham Lincoln had octopus tentacles instead of a beard? Cliff: It's a little know fact that 42% of deaths in America are caused by accidents in the home. Carla: So were you. Woody: Have you had her scream for you, Sam? Sam: Later Woody, later. Coach: Hey, Norm. What do you know? Norm: Not enough. Old Man: What if I bought this guy a beer? Norm: Buy me a pitcher and you can kiss me on the lips. [after answering the phone] Carla: Who's not here? Everyone: Me! Coach: My friends call me "Coach", but my other nickname is Red. Customer: Why? Because your hair used to be red? Coach: No, because I read a book. Sam: Hey, Norm, can I get you a beer? Norm: Beer? Isn't that the amber-colored, carbonated liquid? I've heard good things about it. Diane: Come on, Sam, just leave us in here. Sam: That's a great idea - leave two women who hate each other in a room full of glass and alcohol. Everyone: NORM. Coach: What's new, Norm? Norm: I need something to hold me over until my second beer. Coach: How about a first beer? Norm: That'll work. Norm: My supervisor's coming over here for drinks. I don't want to give him the impression that I'm one of those barfly type guys. Rebecca: I lost my dream job, and when I walked out of that House of Pancakes, I felt two inches tall. Cliff: Did I ever tell you kids about the first Thanksgiving? It took place between the ancient Egyptains and aliens from a distant galaxy. [after burning down the bar] Rebecca: Hey Sam, speaking of bars burning down, guess what I did? Sam: You know what Woody, you just gave me something to think about. Woody: I'm sorry Sam, I hate it when someone does that to me. [Diane continues to waffle on whether or not to leave Cheers] Carla: [exasperated] I've had WARTS that went away faster. Coach: How you doing, Norm? Norm: Coach, I'm on top of the world... it's a dismal spot in Greenland somewhere. Diane: You've been with a lot of women. Sam: No, I have not. There have not been that many women. I just exaggerated here in the bar. There have not been that many. Diane: How many have there been? Sam: Oh, I don't know. Maybe four hun... [Diane makes a startled gasp] Sam: Honeys. Honeys. Four honeys. [Sam is being kicked out of the Diane's apartment] Sam: [angry] You want to know the truth? It wasn't four honeys. It was four HUNDRED women, easy. Diane: [coolly] They'd have to be. Sam: Damn. [Sam and Diane are about to have sex for the first time] Sam: [to God, muttering] She better be GREAT. [on reincarnation] Cliff: The Hindus believe that what you come back as depends upon your behavior in your this life. If you led a good life, you come back in an elevated state. Coach: Like Colorado? Cliff: No, Coach. Uh, more like a king or a prince. Conversely, if you've not led a good life, you come back in a more lowly condition. Norm: Last time out, I must have made a real ass out of myself. [the gang had been talking about reincarnation] Cliff: Hey Sam, what of you think about death? Sam: [angry at Diane] Too good for her. Sam: You know, you've made my life a living hell. Diane: Nobody said it would be easy. Carla: I think I'm going to be pregant for the rest of my life, just like it said in the yearbook. Sam: Stubborn little bugger, isn't he? Carla: You know, Sammie, I think he's found out about his brothers and sisters and has decided to remain inside where it's safe. Cliff: If I wasn't wearing this uniform, I'd ask you to step outside. Norm: If you weren't wearing that uniform, we'd all step outside. Frasier: Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, 'Is this all I got?' [Nash punches out Woody in a fight, then Kelly shows up] Kelly Gaines: I came here to stop the fight. Carla: Fight? I've had sneezes that lasted longer. Norm: I'm trying to write a letter of recommendation for my secretary, Doris. Cliff: Why? Is she quitting? Norm: No, I gotta let her go. Business hasn't been so good since I decided to stop working. [Henri is about to be deported] Woody: [sadly] Now, what kind of country would deport a great guy like that? [Henri leaves] Woody: [joyous] I'll tell you what country... U.S.A! U.S.A! Cliff: I have impossibly high standards for a woman. Norm: Yeah, she has to like you. [the bar holds a drawing to decide the night's designated driver] Carla: And the lucky loser is... Norm Peterson. Norm: Great, the first time I enter this thing and you can't pick... [Norm pulls another slip from the hat] Norm: Norm Peterson or... [Norm pulls another slip from the hat] Norm: Norm Peterson or... [Norm pulls another slip from the hat] Norm: Norm Peterson or... [Norm pulls another slip from the hat] Norm: Oh, Frasier Crane. At least somebody was honest. Frasier: I beg your pardon. I wrote "Norm Peterson". [Norm looks at the slip again] Norm: You're right. I wrote that. [Designated driver Norm returns to the bar] Norm: Beer please. [Sam slides a beer to Norm, but Carla intercepts it] Carla: Sorry, Norm. Until the night is over, you're still our designated driver. Norm: I know that and you know that, but did you have to call every bar in town and tell them? [Carla has recieved a bouquet of flowers] Sam: Who's your secret admirer? [Carla beckons for Sam to come closer, which he does] Carla: None of your damn business! Coach: What'd she say? Sam: "None of your damn business." Coach: [angry] Well, excuse me for living! How would you like it if I said that to you when you asked me to teach you how to throw a knuckleball? Sam: You DID, Coach. Coach: Oh, then we're even. Diane: If ignorance is bliss, this is Eden. Sam: Carla's trying to become the kind of waitress you would enjoy being waited on by. Diane: "Being waited on by"? You just ended that sentence with two propositions. Sam: Haven't you got customers to be waiting on? Diane: You ended that sentence with a proposition. Sam: Haven't you got customers to be waiting on, MULLET-HEAD? [while Sam and the guys play poker, Rebecca discovers the bar has no liquor license and starts serving non-alcoholic beverages] Sam: Rebecca, could we have another round of beers? The guys are going through it like it's water. Rebecca: Well, it's not! Carla: Where's Diane? Sam: Oh, she's out at an interview to be a T.A. at some college. Carla: She'll never get it. She's a big "A" with no "T"'s. [Sam and Diane are fighting... yet again] Carla: Oh, now why would I want to miss this? Yet another episode of "The Young and the Chestless"? Carla: I've got it! I've got it! Diane: What, you've actually managed to conjure up something besides yet ANOTHER illegitimate child? Carla: Ooooh, a completely unprovoked personal attack... I like it! Sam: Woody, next time you order beer, be more specific than "lots". [Frasier arrives at the bar for his bachelor party] Frasier: You know, on the way over, I decided to listen to a rock station to get into the mood. And I heard a line in one of those tribal passages that I thought was the keynote for this evening. "Everybody have fun tonight. Everybody Wang Chung tonight." [the Cheers gang goes to the Olde Towne Tavern and finds Al] Carla: Hey, Al, why aren't you at Cheers? Al: [looking around at the inside of Gary's] Holy mackerel! This isn't Cheers? [on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson, Carson reads Cliff's joke twice; each time, the NBC Studio audience boos] Johnny Carson: Whose joke is this? Cliff: It's *my* joke! You busted me! [Cliff is led away by security guards] Johnny Carson: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of NBC. [after the taping of The Tonight Show, Cliff is on the seemingly empty stage] Cliff: [miming bowling] Heeere's Cliffy! [Johnny Carson applauds and approaches Cliff] Johnny Carson: How does it feel on stage? Cliff: Good. Johnny Carson: Now get the hell out of here before I call security. Thomas P. 'Tip' O'Neill: Actually, I'm Speaker of the House. Norm: Hah! That would make you Tip O'Neill, and me... [recognizes him] Norm: ...a horse's ass. Thomas P. 'Tip' O'Neill: You said it, not me. Gretchen Darrow: [snarling at Norm] What are you looking at, endomorph? Woody: What do you say to a cold one, Norm? Norm: See you later, Vera; I'm going to Cheers. Lilith: Frazer; how can you expect Frederick to develop the verbal skills he'll need if you sit around with him in a bar all day? Norm: Evening everybody! Frederick Crane: Norm! Rebecca: I was told by my boss to come up with something for the retirement party so I got this left over seafood platter from Melville's. Carla: Leftover seafood? Isn't that kind of cheap? Rebecca: What should I have done? Strip naked and dance on the tables to "Funky Cold Medina"? Sam: We could help you rehearse. [Cliff is appearing on Jeopardy] Alex Trebek: Let's go to Cliff and get his Final Jeopardy answer. "Who are people who have never been in my kitchen?" I'm sorry, that is wrong. Cliff: Wait a minute, Alex. I can offer conclusive proof that those three people have never been in my kitchen. [Cliff has read that his medication can cause male breast enlargement] Cliff: I see you all looking at my chestal area; stop it! I don't have breasts! Rebecca: Don't let them get to you, Cliff. I took that medication and the risk of side effects is very overrated. Cliff: Oh, yeah, Rebecca? How long ago did you take it? Rebecca: About twenty years ago; back when I was a little boy. [Cliff stomps out as Rebecca high-fives Carla] [Lilith is confronting Rebecca over her alleged affair with Frazier] Lilith: Rebecca Howe? Rebecca: Yes? Lilith: I'm saving you a lot of trouble, you know. Frasier is a good man, but he is obsessively compulsive and neurotic. Sure, the sex is great, but he gets his feelings hurt if you don't praise his performance. That can be taken care of with a simple "Thank you, Conan". Rebecca: Who are you and who is Frasier? I don't know Frasier and... [pause] Rebecca: "Thank you, Conan"? Rebecca: [after Sam winks at her] Mr. Malone, are you developing a tic? Sam: No, that was a wink. Rebecca: Oh, then you're developing into a tick. Lilith: We've been examining our lives and discovered some frightening things. Carla: You finally found Diane walled up in Frasier's crawlspace? Lilith: [Lilith is getting very involved in her pregnancy] Life, I am a pillar of life! [to Sam] Lilith: Touch my breasts, friend, I am lactating! Sam: Uh, gee, I think I'll pass. Sam: [regarding Norm's bar tab] You know, Norm, you've been coming in here a long time. Look at the first entry, "skinny guy at the end of the bar". Norm: Morning, everybody! Woody: Beer, Mr. Peterson? Norm: Little early in the day isn't it, Woody? Woody: Little early for a beer? Norm: No, for stupid questions. Frasier: [Lilith has some bad news for Frasier] I'll simply imagine the worst thing you could possibly tell me, and whatever your news is will pale by comparison. Lilith: This afternoon in a moment of extreme weakness, I cheated on you. Frasier: THAT WAS IT! THAT WAS THE WORST THING! Frasier: We can put man on the moon but can't put metal in the microwave. Norm: [Norm is trying to pass himself off as a gay interior decorator to a yuppie couple] Did I tell you that I programmed myself to dream about your space last night? [the gang has found out about Norm's interior decorating business] Norm: Uh, guys; sorry I didn't tell you, but I figured you wouldn't understand. Cliff: Ah, we don't care about your sexual orientation there, Normie. You can get stuff wholesale! [after crashing Cliff's car, the guys try to get it restarted] Sam: I'm turning the key, but nothing's happening. Cliff: That's because I've got it rigged up with an anti-theft device. What I do is I turn the wheel all the way to the left. Sam: Got it. Cliff: Then I turn the key as hard as I can. [Sam turns the key] Sam: Oh dear. Cliff, I just broke off the key in the ignition. Cliff: I said "As hard as I can", Sammy. [Sam tries to hotwire Cliff's disabled car] Frasier: Are you sure you know what you're doing? Sam: Don't worry. My old friend Buck taught me how to hotwire a car. [Sam electrocutes himself and falls to the ground] Frasier: Sam, are you all right? Sam: Diane? Cliff: You see, Sammy. What your friend Buck never counted on was the Cliff Clavin Auto Security System. First, Mr. Car Thief gets the shock of his life, then the doors automatically lock and the alarm goes off. Norm: Wait, the doors *lock*? Cliff: Yeah, and the alarm should be going off. I don't know why it ain't working. Norm: I guess I'll have to do it manually then... [screaming at Cliff] Norm: You locked us out of the car! Cliff: Ah, there he is. Dr. Frasier Crane. The man who won the hand of Diane Chambers. Carla: Found out he had to keep the rest of her. Diane: Do I beg men to fall in love with me? Sam: I hope not. I like to think I was special. Norm: [referring to Vera lunching with the wives of his bosses] She just didn't pass muster. Woody: Well maybe she couldn't reach it. Frasier: [after Sam has lambasted Rebecca for burning down the bar] Well, I guess we've seen the dark side of Sam Malone. Cliff: You wanna see dark sides, you oughta see Ma when you leave the shower curtain outside the tub. Diane: "For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these - it might have been." Nick: Knock, knock Kelly Gaines: Who's there? Nick: Opportunity. Kelly Gaines: Opportunity who? Nick: This is gonna take some time. Carla: [to Nick Tortelli] You do anything to ruin my lovely daughter's wedding and I will choke you till your eyes bug out. Cliff: [tearfully] It's just like "The Waltons". Woody: Why would an actress leave in the middle of a successful series? Diane: Sam, I have never been more grateful to you than I am now. I just looked into the face of insensitivity and dishonesty and it made me blanch. I am going out there and I'm going to break up with Stuart, but I'm going to do it honestly, straight-forwardly, and yet caringly. I'll tell him the truth of my feelings, that I'm not attracted to him romantically, although I am very attracted to him as a friend. And I'll say it in a way that he will accept and understand and be grateful for. Do you even begin to understand what I'm trying to say? Sam: [pause] Everything except the part where you changed your name to "Blanche". Diane: [completely unsurprised] Goodbye, Sam. Sam: Goodbye, Blanche. Sam: Time to rap about a controversy / Gonna take a stand, won't show no mercy / Lotta folks says jocks shouldn't be / Doing the sports new on TV / I don't wanna hear the latest scores / From a bunch broadcast school boys / So get your scores from a guy like me / Who knows what it's like to have a groin injury. G-g-groin, g-g-groin injury. Norm: [Frasier and Lilith are having an argument in Sam's office] Sammy, don't you think you should check on them? They've been in there for over an hour. Sam: Yeah, I guess so. [knocks on the door] Sam: Frasier, you guys all right? Frasier: [opening the door] A few more minutes, Sam. It's almost my turn to talk. Sam: [after a bar patron tells him about a girl from UConn known as "Back-seat Becky"] Say, Rebecca, where'd you go to college? Rebecca: University of Connecticut, why? [Frasier has kidnapped baby Federick from his own bris] Sam: Frasier, you realize you have to go back. Frasier: I know, Sam. I just don't know how I can return to a place where I have thoroughly embarrassed myself. How do you do it, Cliff? Cliff: Oh, that's easy, Frase. You see, I... hey! [the guys play a game of basketball, but Norm's ball won't bounce] Sam: The ball seems a little low on air, Norm. Norm: Yeah, it's been a while since I've been to the gym. I used to go to the one next to Cheers. Cliff: There's no gym next to Cheers. Norm: I know, they tore it down to build the jewelry store. Cliff: There's no jewelry store either. Norm: I know, they tore that down to build the bank. Sam: Bank's been there as long as I can remember. Norm: Well, there you go. Sam: [Sam has sworn off his womanizing ways, but the bar patrons beg him to reconsider] Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in! Woody: Kelly's coming back from Europe today. Frasier: Ah, she's hopping the pond. Woody: What? Frasier: Well, the pond. It's a reference to the Atlantic. Woody: Why, Dr. Crane. The Atlantic is an ocean. How many of those have you had? Frasier: Apparently, not enough. Frasier Crane: Hello in there, Cliff. Tell me, what color is the sky in your world? Norm: Would you like to tell me what is tattooed on my butt forever? Cliff: A big American flag with the words "God Bless the U.S. Postal Service". [pause] Cliff: What does mine say? Norm: I love Vera. Cliff: If you want I can come over and show Vera. Norm: No, Cliff, that's all right. Cliff: Then would you mind coming by the Post Office and show all the guys? [while having a debate with Cliff] Norm: Hey, Frasier, you're a doctor. What happens to old, dead skin? Frasier: Apparently it sits on barstools and drinks beer all day. Sam: If I win, I get to go bed with you. Rebecca: What do I get if I win? Sam: YOU get to go bed with ME. Frasier: You see, Sam, there's documented evidence that all human animals have an erotic, hair-trigger response to at least one of the five sensory stimuli. Could be anything, really. Oh, let's see: sound of surf pounding against the shore, smell of honeysuckle on a warm summer's night, taste of a vintage Chateaux-neuf-du-Pape. [getting turned on] Frasier: Fire-red fingernails... dancing through your chest hair. [breathing heavily] Frasier: Black lace teddy, straining against its fleshy cargo. Sam: Whoah, whoah, Frasier. Snap out of it. Frasier: In a minute, Sam.