advertisement J.R.: Barnes just broke the cardinal rule in politics: never get caught in bed with a dead woman or a live man. JR Ewing: Ray never was comfortable eating with the family; we do use knives and forks. JR Ewing: Lots of men have tried to run roughshod over me. You can visit them in the cemetery. JR Ewing: The world is littered with the bodies of people that tried to stick it to ole J.R. Ewing. JR Ewing: So, you just remember who you're working for, keep a civil tongue in your head, and try to answer my questions with a bit of civility. JR Ewing: You know, Sue Ellen, I do believe you're going ninety miles an hour toward a nervous breakdown. We're going to have to do something about your ravings. JR Ewing: Go to bed Sue Ellen, there's nothing uglier than a woman who can't handle her liquor! JR Ewing: I wouldn't give you the dust off my car. JR Ewing: Don't worry about her; the good Lord has ways of looking after drunks like her! JR Ewing: Sue Ellen, you're a drunk, a tramp, and an unfit mother. JR Ewing: That's O.K. honey, Bobby doesn't have a capacity to forgive and forget like I do. That's a shame, damn shame. JR Ewing: [to Marilee Stone] By the way honey, your a little too old to be running around without your clothes on. JR Ewing: Marilee, if you don't hurry, someone else is gonna get your street corner. JR Ewing: All that matters is winning. JR Ewing: Oh Barnes, you just get dumber and dumber every day. JR Ewing: [to Lucy] Say, why don't you have that junior plastic surgeon you married design you a new face: one without a mouth! JR Ewing: [to Ray Krebbs] Boy, you're just one dumb ole cowboy, ain't you? JR Ewing: Cliff, sharpen up your ice skates it's gonna be a long winter. JR Ewing: A marriage is like a salad: the man has to know how to keep his tomatoes on the top. JR Ewing: Anything worth having is worth going for-all the way. JR Ewing: Don't forgive and never forget; Do unto others before they do unto you; and third and most importantly, keep your eye on your friends, because your enemies will take care of themselves. JR Ewing: Sue Ellen, you're not a wife, you're not a mother, and you sure as hell are not a Ewing! JR Ewing: [to Sue Ellen] Well, I'll be damned if you can come in here any time you want and use me like some stud-service! Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: If you do anything to hurt that young man, you are going to wake up one morning and find out you no longer have a wife, even in name only... and you will no longer have a son. So no threats J.R or I will end this mockery we call a marriage once and for all. Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: You and I will not live as man and wife. From now on, it's seperate bedrooms and seperate lives. Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: [to JR] Nothing brings out the best in you like other people's unhappiness. Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: There's nothing in this world Jock wants more than a grandson; I haven't given him one because of your disinterest in me. She's pregnant. Little brother Bobby and that Barnes girl are going to have a baby named Ewing. Maybe a boy! Think about that! Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: I'm really not an alchoholic. Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: I am what you made me. Pamela Ewing: Your family's gonna throw me off the ranch. Pamela Ewing: Power, money, and control mean nothing to me. I want a nice, ordinary life with my husband. JR Ewing: Well, last night we went to the Oil Baron's and we ran into that termite brother of yours! Pamela Ewing: Are you talking to me? JR Ewing: Anyone else in here gotta termite for a brother? Clayton Farlow: There's gonna be hell to pay. JR Ewing: Well, hello Clayton. Come to take mama out? Clayton Farlow: Yes, we're going out to dinner. Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: She'll be down in a minute. Oh, excuse me. Clayton Farlow, Roy Ralston. Roy Ralston: How do you do? Clayton Farlow: Oh yeah, you're the fellow that has the talk show J.R.'s been on. Roy Ralston: Yes I do. I'm sure you share my enthusiasm for J.R.'s appearances on my show. Clayton Farlow: Not really. Roy Ralston: Well, J.R.'s becoming the champion of the underdog. "I have a feeling he'll be leaving for Washington right after the next election. Clayton Farlow: Well, Dallas's gain'll be Washington's loss! Eleanor Southworth Ewing Farlow #1: Clayton, I'm so sorry I kept you waiting. JR Ewing: No more than we are, mama. Sly Lovegren: ...Maybe Cliff just put two and two together. JR Ewing: If Barnes put two and two together, he'd get three. JR Ewing: [to Sue Ellen] Don't flatter yourself, honey. You're just another Ewing possession. Like an oil lease, you're easily disposable. Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: If you took all the people J.R. trampled on to get to where he is today and lined them up, they'd stretch from one end of Texas to the other. [repeated line] JR Ewing: You wouldn't be trying to blackmail old J.R., would you? Cliff Barnes: [J.R. had called Ray a half-breed just before finding out James Beaumont was his son] Well, here you are talking about half-breeds and in walks one of yours. [to Cally] Cliff Barnes: Oh, don't be surprised, honey. I'm sure he's knocked up at least half the women in Texas. John Ross 'Jock' Ewing, Sr.: [to Bobby Ewing] If I did give you power then you've got nothing. Nobody gives you power. Real power is something you take. John Ross 'Jock' Ewing, Sr.: [to Pamela] Young lady, you've heard his side all your life. It's about time you heard the truth. I put that claim in my name to keep him from gambling his half away. Willard 'Digger' Barnes #1: You didn't leave me nothing. John Ross 'Jock' Ewing, Sr.: I come back to the claim. He's drunk. He looks at the paper, sees my name, jumps me, tries to tear my eyes out. I was gonna give half of the money. Pamela Ewing: Stop it. I can't stand this. John Ross 'Jock' Ewing, Sr.: How can he stand himself? Been a loser every day of his life. Couldn't even kill me the time he tried. Eleanor Southworth Ewing Farlow #1: That's enough, Jock! Clayton Farlow: [to J.R] Look, you refugee from from a stud farm, don't push your luck! Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: Which slut are you going to stay with tonight, J.R.? JR Ewing: Whoever it is has got to be more interesting than the slut I'm looking at right now. Don Lockwood: [to JR] Sue Ellen would have had a normal life if it weren't for two big mistakes... She married you twice. Clayton Farlow: [to Bobby] I don't why she would have any problem with your family. Outside of JR, everyone is pretty normal. John Ross Ewing #2: So are you gonna marry my mom, or what? Don Lockwood: [clears throat] Ah... actually... no. Does that make you feel better? John Ross Ewing #2: Lots! Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: John Ross, what is wrong with you? John Ross Ewing #2: It took me a long time to whip Dad's new wife into shape. Cally was hard work. I'm not in the mood for another big job. Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: I want you to apologize right now! John Ross Ewing #2: You're the one who asked me what's wrong. Don Lockwood: It's OK, Sue Ellen. Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: No, it's not OK. He's being incredibly rude. John Ross Ewing #2: What do you expect? How do you talk to a guy who's never played baseball? Don Lockwood: Well, I played cricket. Does that count? John Ross Ewing #2: Any sport named after an insect has gotta be lame. Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: That's enough! John Ross Ewing #2: Why can't you find someone like Uncle Cliff? At least he doesn't say "toMAHtos". I mean... can't you find a boyfriend who speaks English? Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: You go wait for me in the lounge. Come on! Up! Go on! [John Ross leaves] Don Lockwood: I kind of liked his line about cricket. Lucy Ewing Cooper: [to Pamela] This is supposed to be my birthday party. Grandma is making out the invitation list. Sue Ellen is gonna hire some old-fogy band. And J.R.'s gonna use it for one of his big deals. And now you're gonna buy my clothes. I HATE THIS FAMILY! Lucy Ewing Cooper: Why won't any of you listen to me? J.R.: Sue Ellen, shouldn't you get some sleep? You know how haggard you look in the morning without your full eight hours. John Ross 'Jock' Ewing, Sr.: I *am* Takapa! JR Ewing: [referring to Pam] I asked her how much she'd take. John Ross 'Jock' Ewing, Sr.: You did what? JR Ewing: I tried to pay her off. John Ross 'Jock' Ewing, Sr.: You jackass. JR Ewing: You're a drunk! Sue Ellen Shepard Ewing: The Joan of Arc would be a drunk too if she was married to you. Bobby Ewing: Good morning. Eleanor Southworth Ewing Farlow #1: Junior, you were born old JR Ewing: [to Lucy] Lost another one, did you, sugar? Hell, I got to hand it to you, you sure can pick them. A pansy, a crook, and an up-and-coming pauper. You are a veritable magnet for losers and failures.