Susanna:
[narrating] Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? Maybe I was just crazy. Maybe it was the 60's. Or maybe I was just a girl... interrupted.
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Daisy:
You're just jealous, Lisa... because I got better... because I was released... because I have a chance... at a life.
Lisa:
They didn't release you 'cause you're better, Daisy, they just gave up. You call this a life, hmm? Taking Daddy's money, buying your dollies and your knick-knacks... and eatin' his fuckin' chicken, fattening up like a prize fuckin' heifer? You changed the scenery, but not the fucking situation - and the warden makes house calls. And everybody knows. Everybody knows. That he fucks you. What they don't know... is that you like it. Hmm? You like it.
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Janet:
I want my fucking clothes!
Valerie:
Then you'll have to eat something, won't you?
Janet:
[singing] Oh Lordy, pick a bale o' cotton / Oh Lordy, pick a bale o' hay / Gotta jump down spin around pick a bale o' cotton / Jump down spin around, pick a bale o' hay...
Valerie:
[to Susanna] She thinks that bothers me.
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Susanna:
Oh my God... a guy I know was just drafted.
Janet:
What's his name?
Susanna:
Toby.
Janet:
He's dead now.
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Daisy:
Which do you like better? Taking a dump alone or with Valerie watching?
Susanna:
Alone.
Daisy:
Everyone likes to be alone when it comes out. I like to be alone when it goes in. To me, the cafeteria is like being with twenty girls all at once taking a dump.
Lisa:
That is fucked up, Daisy.
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Lisa:
We are very rare and we are mostly men.
Janet:
Lisa thinks she's hot shit cause she's a sociopath.
Cynthia:
I'm a sociopath.
Lisa:
No, you're a dyke.
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Susanna:
You know, taking us for ice creams in a blizzard... makes you wonder who the real whack jobs are.
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Susanna:
What kind of sex isn't casual?
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Susanna:
I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
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Valerie:
What would you have said to her?
Susanna:
I don't know. That I was sorry. That I will never know what it was like to be her. But I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. You hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
Valerie:
Susanna, it's all well and good to tell me all this; but you gotta tell some of this to your doctors.
Susanna:
How the hell am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?
Valerie:
But you do understand it. You spoke very clearly about it a second ago. But I think what you've gotta do is put it down. Put it away. Put it in your notebook, but get it out of yourself. Away so you can't curl up with it anymore.
Susanna:
Lisa thinks it's a gift. That it lets you see the truth.
Valerie:
Lisa's been here for 8 years.
Susanna:
[crying] I'm so sorry. I was a bitch. I was a bitch.
Valerie:
Don't drop anchor here, you understand?
Susanna:
[narrating] When you don't want to feel, death can seem like a dream. But seeing death, really seeing it, makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous. Maybe, there's a moment growing up when something peels back... Maybe, maybe, we look for secrets because we can't believe our minds...
[overlapping words]
Susanna:
All I know is that I began to feel things again. Whatever I was, I knew there was only one way back to the world and that was to use the place to talk. So I saw the great and wonderful Dr. Wick three times a week and I let her hear every thought in my head.
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Susanna:
How am I supposed to recover when I don't even understand my disease?
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Cynthia:
Hey John, call me a cab.
John:
Okay, you're a cab.
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Susanna:
No one cares if you die, Lisa, because you're dead already. Your heart is cold. That's why you keep coming back here. You're not free. You need this place to feel alive. It's pathetic.
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Lisa:
If I could have any job in the world I'd be a professional Cinderella.
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Susanna:
What happened to Polly?
Lisa:
What needs to happen? No one's ever gonna' kiss her, man. You know, they're building a new Disney Land in Florida. If I could have any job in the world, I'd be a professional Cinderella. You could be Snow White. And Polly could be Minnie Mouse. Everyone would hug her and kiss her and love her and no one would ever know what was in that big ol' head of hers, you know?
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Susanna:
Where are we going? The cafeteria's that way.
Tobias 'Toby' Jacobs:
We're going to Canada.
Susanna:
Wh-why?
Tobias 'Toby' Jacobs:
Look Susanna, you don't need to be here.
Susanna:
I tried to kill myself, Toby.
Tobias 'Toby' Jacobs:
So you took a couple of aspirin...
Susanna:
I took a *bottle* of aspirin.
Tobias 'Toby' Jacobs:
And that buys you a year in this place? C'mon, Susanna, that's bullshit! You don't belong here.
Susanna:
I have friends here.
Tobias 'Toby' Jacobs:
Who, them? Those girls... they're eating grapes off the wallpaper. They're crazy.
Susanna:
If they are, then I am.
Tobias 'Toby' Jacobs:
Susanna, I think I love you.
[pause]
Tobias 'Toby' Jacobs:
Look, my Dad gave me 5 grand! We can go up there, build a cabin in the woods!
Susanna:
[crying]
Tobias 'Toby' Jacobs:
I mean, you want to leave, don't you?
Susanna:
Yes. I want to leave.
[wipes tear]
Susanna:
But not with you. Not with you.
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Valerie:
You know, I can take a lot of crazy shit from a lot of crazy people. But you - you're not crazy.
Susanna:
Oh yeah? Then what's wrong with me? What the fuck is going on inside my head? Tell me, Dr. Val, what's your diag-nonsense?
Valerie:
You are a lazy, self-indulgent, little girl, who is making herself crazy.
Susanna:
Is that your... *professional* opinion? Is that what you've learned in your advanced studies at night school for Negro welfare mothers? I mean, Melvin doesn't have a clue, Wick is a *psycho* and you... you *pretend* to be a doctor. You review the charts and dole out meds. But "you's ain't no doctor, Miss Valerie. You's just a little black nurse-maid".
Valerie:
And you're just throwing it away.
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Dr. Potts:
You've been feeling bad in general. You've been feeling depressed?
Susanna:
Well, I haven't exactly been a ball of joy, Melvin.
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Susanna:
[narrating] When you don't want to feel... death can seem like a dream. But, seeing death - really seeing it... makes dreaming about it fucking ridiculous.
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Valerie:
You know, I can take a lot of crazy shit from a lot of crazy people - but you... you are *not* crazy.
Susanna:
Then what's wrong with me, huh? What the fuck is going on inside my head? Tell me, *Dr. Val*. What's your diag-nonsense?
Valerie:
You are a lazy, self-indulgent *little girl*, who is driving herself crazy.
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Lisa:
Lady, back off!
Mrs. Gilcrest:
Was I talking to you?
Lisa:
No, you were spitting on me, so mellow fuckin' out!
Mrs. Gilcrest:
Don't you tell me what to do.
Lisa:
Look, she gave your husband a rim job. Big fuckin' deal! I'm sure he was begging for it, and I heard it was like a pencil anyway.
Mrs. Gilcrest:
Why you - how dare you!
Lisa:
Some advice, okay? Just don't point your fuckin' finger at crazy people!
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Susanna:
Am I in trouble for kissing an orderly, or giving my boyfriend a blowjob?
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Susanna:
[picks up phone] Hello?
Lisa:
[on phone] So what's your diag-nonsense?
Susanna:
Who is this?
Lisa:
What'd he say to Mom and Pop?
Susanna:
[looks out, sees Lisa staring back at her from two booths back] I have a Borderline Personality.
Lisa:
Oh, that's nothing. What else?
Susanna:
He didn't say. Thought it would affect my recovery.
Lisa:
Alright, listen. Tongue your meds tonight. After 1 o'clock checks Gretta always goes out for a smoke. Check the mirrors and if they're clear you go down to Hector's closet. It's near the art room and it will be open.
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Dr. Crumble:
Susanna, four days ago... you chased a bottle of aspirin, with a bottle of vodka.
Susanna:
I had a headache.
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Lisa:
You think you're free? I'm free! You don't know what freedom is! I'm free. I can breathe. And you... will choke on your average fuckin' mediocre life!
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Susanna:
Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is... Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It's you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. They were not perfect, but they were my friends and by the '70s most of them were out living lives. Some I've seen, some never again, but there isn't a day my heart doesn't find them.
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Daisy:
And my favorite part... it has a sign right outside that says, "If you lived here, you'd be home now".
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Lisa:
Take one fuckin' step and I'll jam this in my aorta.
[aiming a pen at her neck]
Valerie:
Lisa, your aorta is in your chest.
Lisa:
Good to know.
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Susanna:
Maybe everyone out there is a liar. And maybe the whole world is stupid, and ignorant. But I'd rather be in it. Id' rather be fucking in it, than down here with you.
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Lisa:
Razors pain you, rivers are damp, acid stains you, drugs cause cramps, gun aren't lawful, nooses give, gas smells awful, you might as well live.
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Instructor:
Now what kind of a tree can you be, Janet, down there on the floor?
Janet:
I'm a fucking shrub, all right?
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Janet:
That is not fair. That is not *fair*! That is *not fair*! Seventy-four is the perfect weight!
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Susanna:
I didn't try to kill myself.
Dr. Potts:
What were you trying to do?
Susanna:
I was trying to make the shit stop.
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Lisa:
Hey Torch.
Polly:
Hey Lisa.
Lisa:
Did you miss me?
Polly:
Not much.
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Margie:
Looking better Lisa.
Lisa:
So how's the engagement going?
Margie:
You know.
Lisa:
No I don't know. I've been away remember.
Margie:
Joe wants me to
[silence]
Margie:
before the wedding.
Lisa:
Fuck his brains - out use a rubber.
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[Lisa talking to Daisy about going to Florida]
Lisa:
I am going to be the Cinderella at Walt Disney's new theme park, Susanna's gonna be Snow White. You can come if you want. You can be the Cocker Spaniel that eats spaghetti.
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Lisa:
If talking did shit, we'd be out of here by now.
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[to Susanna]
Lisa:
You shared a man with that woman?
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Susanna:
What the fuck are you doing Lisa?
Lisa:
Playing the villain, baby, just like you want. I try to give you everything you want.
Susanna:
No you don't.
Lisa:
You wanted your file, I found you your file. You wanted out, I got you out. You needed *money*, *I* found you some. I'm fucking consistent-I told you the truth-I didn't write it down in a *fucking book*! I told you to your *face*. And I told Daisy to her face - what everybody knew and wouldn't say, and she killed herself. And I played the fucking villain, just like you wanted.
Susanna:
Why would I want that?
Lisa:
Because it makes you the good guy, sweet pea.
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Susanna:
Everyone here is fucking crazy!
Dr. Potts:
You want to go home.
Susanna:
Same problem.
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Dr. Wick:
Is there something about sex which lifts your feelings of despair?
Susanna:
Have you ever had sex?
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Janet:
When they built this place they put the tunnels in so the loons didn't have to go anywhere in the cold.
Susanna:
I must've missed that in the brochure.
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Valerie:
Remember me when you shave your legs.
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Susanna:
Has anyone ever watched you shave your legs?
Valerie:
I got two kids and one bathroom, what do you think?
Susanna:
I think you should lock the door.
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Susanna:
You don't want me, Tony.
Tony:
Yes I do, baby.
Susanna:
No, you don't. I'm... a crazy girl.
Tony:
You're crazy so we can't have one night of bliss?
Susanna:
I am a crazy girl. Seriously.
Tony:
You've been in a hospital?
Susanna:
Yes.
Tony:
Do you see purple people? My friend, he saw purple people. And so the state came and took him away. He didn't like that. Some time went by and, and he told 'em he didn't see purple people no more.
Susanna:
He got better.
Tony:
Nah, he still sees 'em.
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Lisa:
So, have you had your first Melvin yet?
Susanna:
Who's that?
Lisa:
Bald guy with a little pecker and a fat wife. You're ther-rapist, sweet pea. Unless, ah... unless they're givin' you shocks. Or god forbid lettin' you out. Then you get to see the great wonderful Dr. Dyke.
Margie:
She means Dr. Wick.
Susanna:
Oh, I've been in his office but I haven't met him yet.
M.G.:
He's a she. Dr. Wick's a girl.
Lisa:
That's right M.G. Wick's a chick.
M.G.:
Wick's a chick...
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Georgina:
Lisa? Is Daisy really getting out?
Lisa:
Yeah, she coughed up a big one.
Susanna:
But how could - I mean she's... *insane*.
Lisa:
Yeah, well that's what ther-rape-me's all about. That's why fuckin' Freud's picture's on every shrink's wall. He created a fuckin' industry. You lie down, you confess your secrets and you're saved. Ca-ching! The more you confess, the more they think about settin' you free.
Susanna:
But what if you don't have a secret?
Lisa:
Then you're a lifer, like me.
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Valerie:
Did you enjoy the fresh air Lisa?
Lisa:
Yeah I did Val. Thanks.
Valerie:
Good, 'cause it's the last time you're leaving the ward.
Lisa:
Is that a dare or a double dare?
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Susanna:
[reading from a book] "Borderline Personality Disorder. An instability of self-image, relationships and mood... uncertain about goals, impulsive in activities that are self-damaging, such as casual sex."
Lisa:
I like that.
Susanna:
"Social contrariness and a generally pessimistic attitude are often observed."
[pauses]
Susanna:
Well that's me.
Lisa:
That's everybody.
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Susanna:
I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favorite word.
Dr. Wick:
Do you know what that means, ambivalence?
Susanna:
I don't care.
Dr. Wick:
If it's your favorite word, I would've thought you would...
Susanna:
It *means* I don't care. That's what it means.
Dr. Wick:
On the contrary, Susanna. Ambivalence suggests strong feelings... in opposition. The prefix, as in "ambidextrous," means "both." The rest of it, in Latin, means "vigor." The word suggests that you are torn... between two opposing courses of action.
Susanna:
Will I stay or will I go?
Dr. Wick:
Am I sane... or, am I crazy?
Susanna:
Those aren't courses of action.
Dr. Wick:
They can be, dear - for some.
Susanna:
Well, then - it's the wrong word.
Dr. Wick:
No. I think it's perfect.
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Susanna:
Is that what you learned in your advanced studies at "Night School for Negro Welfare Mothers"?
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Lisa:
You know, there's too many buttons in the world. There's too many buttons and they're just- There's way too many just begging to be pressed,they're just begging to be pressed,you know? They're just - they're just begging to be pressed, and it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead?
Susanna:
Because you're dead already, Lisa!
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Susanna:
[Daisy hung her] Can I get an ambulance?
Lisa:
Make it a hearse.
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Janet:
Asshole!
Lisa:
[Janet is anorexic] Fatso.
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Polly:
Jamie was sad last week after Lisa ran away, so she hung herself with a volleyball net.
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M.G.:
[watching birthdays being picked on TV] BINGO!
[laughing]
M.G.:
... BINGO!
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Daisy:
It has an eat-in chicken.
Susanna:
I think you mean an eat-in kitchen.
Daisy:
That's what I said, asshole.
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Lisa:
You're playing Betty Crocker and cut up like a god damn Virginia ham.
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Georgina:
I'm gonna have peppermint stick.
Polly:
Yeah, me too, can I just have peppermint stick?
Ronny:
Sure.
Daisy:
NO! It's just called PEPPERMINT!
M.G.:
Peppermint dick!
[everyone laughs]
M.G.:
Peppermint CLIT!
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Daisy:
[Susanna has just showed her some Colace tablets] Put them on the bed and get out.
Lisa:
[from the door] Put yours on the bed.
Daisy:
Oh, Jesus! Get out! GET OUT!
Lisa:
[she enters and shuts the door behind her] C'mon Daze, don't take advantage of her just cause she's new.
Daisy:
Get the fuck out of here or I'm calling Valerie! VALERIE!
Lisa:
Yeah, let's call Valerie shall we, and ask her for some Colace like Susie Q's got in her fuckin' hand. Why does it STINK in here?
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Lisa:
[to Daisy] Help me understand, Dais 'cause, I thought you didn't do Valium. Tell me how this safety net is working for you. Tell me that you don't take that blade and drag it across your skin and pray for the courage to press down. Tell me how your *daddy* helps you cope with that. Illuminate me.
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Daisy:
My father loves me.
Lisa:
I bet. With every inch of his manhood.
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Lisa:
[Lisa's arms and legs are strapped to the bed. Susanna takes out nail polish and starts painting Lisa's nails]
[crying]
Lisa:
I'm not really dead.
Susanna:
I know.
Lisa:
I'm gonna miss you, Susie Q.
Susanna:
No, you're not. You're going to get out of here, and you're gonna come and see me. 'Kay?
Lisa:
[takes a deep breath and looks away] Yeah.
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Susanna:
[Susanna is leaving. Georgina sheepishly looks up from the cards she's playing with] Hey, Georgina? You know all that stuff I write in my journal? I don't know what I'm saying. They're just... thoughts. Who knows, maybe I'm the liar.
Georgina:
Maybe not.
[They hug]
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Lisa:
Hey Troch, what'a doin?
Polly:
Nothing.
Lisa:
Well, why don't you go in your room and do nothin'.
[waves are Polly with puppet, and Polly runs to room crying]
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Lisa:
You know, there's too many buttons in the world. There's too many buttons and they're just- There's way too many just begging to be pressed,they're just begging to be pressed,you know? They're just - they're just begging to be pressed, and it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead?
Susanna:
Because you're dead already, Lisa! No one cares if you die, Lisa because you're dead already. Your heart is cold. That's why you keep coming back here. You're not free. You need this place, you need it to feel alive. It's pathetic.
Lisa:
[falls down to her knees and screams]
Susanna:
I've wasted a year of my life. Maybe everyone out there is a liar. And maybe the whole world is "stupid" and "ignorant" but I'd rather be in it. I'd rather be fucking in it than down here with you.
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Dr. Wick:
Quis hic locus?, quae regio?, quae mundi plaga? What world is this?... What kingdom?... What shores of what world? It's a very big question you're faced with, Susana. The *choice* of your *life*. How much will you indulge in your flaws? What are your flaws? *Are* they flaws?... If you embrace them, will you commit yourself to hospital?... for life?
[pause]
Dr. Wick:
Big questions, big decisions! Not surprising you profess *careless* about them.
Susanna:
[very upset and uncomfortable] is that it?
Dr. Wick:
For now.
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