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Kid:
Hey! My car!
Lt. Frank Parker:
Don't worry, I'll mail it back to you.
Lt. Frank Parker:
Someday I'm gonna form a chrononauts' union.
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
You're a very good dancer.
Lt. Frank Parker:
Really?
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
No.
Lt. Frank Parker:
Saturday's my one free day.
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
And Sundays?
Lt. Frank Parker:
Hangover day. Doesn't count.
[3rd season title sequence]
Lt. Frank Parker:
Ever wish you could live your last week over again? Well, my name's Frank B. Parker and I get to all the time. I work for a secret government project experimenting in time travel. When things really get messed up, I'm the guinea pig they send back to fix everything. Catch is, I can only go back seven days.
Lt. Frank Parker:
Once you backstep, you can't go back.
[repeated line]
Dr. John Ballard:
That's our boy.
Lt. Frank Parker:
Curiosity didn't kill the cat - hesitation did.
Lt. Frank Parker:
[on phone, trying to stop a flight doomed to crash] Yeah, a bomb, a big one! How do I know? 'Cos I'm the one that put it there! 'Cos I'm a mean, bad-ass bomber, that's why! Listen, I've been sucking in jet fumes for 17 years, you know what that does to a person? Well you're about to find out!"
[hangs up, grinning]
Lt. Frank Parker:
"That was a lot more fun than it should've been.
[Olga and Parker are climbing up a long ladder underground]
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
Maybe this isn't the best time to say it, but I'm afraid of heights.
Lt. Frank Parker:
We're underground, think about that.
Lt. Frank Parker:
I fly the needles as well as they're designed! Better!
Nathan Ramsey:
Then how come your record for perfect lands are exactly zero?
Lt. Frank Parker:
[gestures to the sphere] Because sometimes Lulu's got a mind of her own.
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
Lulu?
Lt. Frank Parker:
It's a private thing...
Nathan Ramsey:
Well, that figures, Parker. Can't make either one of your girlfriends do what you want.
Patricia Parker:
Damn you Parker! Everywhere you go things turn to crap!
Jimmy Parker:
I don't think mommy likes you, Dad.
Capt. Craig Donovan:
Frank?
Lt. Frank Parker:
Right... uh...
Nathan Ramsey:
Get on with it, Parker, or I'm outta here.
Lt. Frank Parker:
Nate...
[mumbles]
Lt. Frank Parker:
I'm very... sorry.
Nathan Ramsey:
You know, I don't think I heard that. My ears are getting bad cause I'm getting old, what did you say?
Lt. Frank Parker:
[mumbles a little louder] I'm sorry.
Nathan Ramsey:
What did you say?
Lt. Frank Parker:
[shouts] I'm sorry!... I'm sorry I broke your nose.
Nathan Ramsey:
Did that sound sincere to you?
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
Good for me.
Capt. Craig Donovan:
Yeah, sounded great to me.
Nathan Ramsey:
Let's get a polygraph down here, I wanna know if he means it!
Lt. Frank Parker:
Damnit Vukavitch, I bust my butt flying that sphere to hell and back and you won't do this one little thing for me?
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
No.
Lt. Frank Parker:
I quit. That's it. No more time jumps for this little duck.
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
Good.
Lt. Frank Parker:
Did I ever tell you how attractive you are when you turn me down?
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
Yes. The answer is still "no".
Lt. Frank Parker:
[turns to Ballard] Real proud of you, big guy!
Dr. John Ballard:
I'm not loaning you money, either.
[Parker has just Backstepped into space near the Global Space Station and made the Conundrum call]
Dr. Bradley Talmadge:
Where are you Conundrum?
Lt. Frank Parker:
Well, I'm not in Kansas anymore.
[on Parker]
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
He changes things all the time through Backstepping. Fixes things. But he can never just do it for himself, its never just for him.
Capt. Craig Donovan:
Makes you wonder why he sticks his neck out time and time again, doesn't it?
Dr. Isaac Mentnor:
I've been accused of loving that sphere too much. It's my baby. But Frank is its heart.
[Flashback to where Parker and Donovan met]
Lt. Frank Parker:
Now that we're stuck together, will you just shut up and let me get on with this?
Capt. Craig Donovan:
You know you got that rep all through special ops, man.
Lt. Frank Parker:
What, being a stud?
Donovan:
So, you're from Philly, huh?
Lt. Frank Parker:
Suddenly it's social hour.
Donovan:
I figure I'd get to know the man I'm about to die with.
[searching for the Sphere, which is buried somewhere in a mineshaft]
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
Theoretically, the sphere ran out of oxygen an hour ago.
Capt. Craig Donovan:
Yeah, well, theoretically, you can't jump back in time.
[a Nuclear war just broke out, causing alarms throughout Never-Never-Land to go off]
Lt. Frank Parker:
What is this, the end of the world?
Dr. John Ballard:
Uh, quite possibly.
Lt. Frank Parker:
What if I say... The 'M' Word!
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
What 'M' word?
Lt. Frank Parker:
Marriage, baby.
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
You want to marry me?
Lt. Frank Parker:
Yeah, I do!
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
Okay, say I say 'yes'. You want a long engagement, with congugal relations of course, then you'll find some excuse to change your mind.
Lt. Frank Parker:
No way, I'll marry you as fast as we can get our blood tests. You name the day, I'll book the chapel.
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
I'll check my calendar.
Lt. Frank Parker:
You do that.
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
I will.
Lt. Frank Parker:
Good.
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
Fine.
Lt. Frank Parker:
Hey Ramsey, the AmeriBomber is a long lost relative of yours.
Nathan Ramsey:
Oh, very funny. How's your Uncle Hussein?
Lt. Frank Parker:
Listen you freakin' morons, Nathan Ramsey is so patriotic he makes Newt Gingrich look like Karl Marx.
[Ramsey throws a USA Today newspaper onto the briefing table which has detailed information on Project Backstep]
Nathan Ramsey:
Great, now even the commies know about Backstep!
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
They even have photographs.
Lt. Frank Parker:
You never take a bad one, do you?
Lt. Frank Parker:
Look, Dr. Zhivago, you look like a sensible guy, so let's just bottom-line this thing. We got a groom who's chasing every skirt on the continent, the uncle of the bride shoving her down the aisle to pay for his electric bill, a bride that's only going along because she thinks that's what good little princesses do, a room full of guests who only care about the free food, and an ex-mental patient with an Uzi in his hand and a trigger finger that's starting to get itchy. So what do you say we all just pack up our samosas and go home, huh?
Lt. Frank Parker:
80,000 Francs? That's a bargain. I'll take it.
Nathan Ramsey:
[over an open phone line] "Take it"? Take what? Parker, if your pissing away Uncle Sam's money again...
Lt. Frank Parker:
And, uh... Throw in a couple of those cufflinks, you know the platinum jobs with the diamonds.
Nathan Ramsey:
No diamonds! We don't pay for diamonds. Fake diamonds! Parker! Pick up the phone! Parker! Answer me! I'll rip your f...
[Parker hangs up]
[Parker is requesting time off]
Lt. Frank Parker:
I'd be on beeper the whole time. A plane crashes, Disneyland gets bombed, the leaning tower falls on its ass, I'll be here with bells on.
Carole:
[referring to Frank Parker] That's not a bear.
Dr. Olga Vukavitch:
No! It's a SKUNK!
[Frank has been reported as an escaped mental patient; a shaky security guard has him at gunpoint]
Rent-A-Cop:
Just how crazy are you?
[Frank reaches out and takes his gun away]
Dr. Bradley Talmadge:
We're going to undo that event.
Lt. Frank Parker:
The difficult we do immediately, the impossible just takes a little longer.
Lt. Frank Parker:
[answering the phone] Stalag 13, Hogan speaking.
Lt. Frank Parker:
Listen up, Sunshine. If you make a move against Teo or his family, I'll make sure the FBI, NSA, IRS and every other three-letter organization I can think of will be all over you like really cheap suits.
Dr. Bradley Talmadge:
[Ramsey is about to be arrested by the FBI] Director Shane and I will be having a little a little discussion, before you take my chief security officer anywhere.
FBI Lead Agent:
You're making a big mistake.
Dr. Bradley Talmadge:
I'm a big man...
Lt. Frank Parker:
[Ramsey is briefing the team on global hot-spots and when Olga spills coffee on him] Check it out, a new global hot-spot.
Capt. Craig Donovan:
Oh, baby, I hope we don't get sent into that region.
Nathan Ramsey:
This is not funny!
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