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Frank Burns:
Why does everyone take an instant dislike to me?
Trapper:
It saves time, Frank.
Charles:
'Tis better to have loved and lost, then to never... oh, give me a drink.
[after an exhausting shift in the OR]
Col. Potter:
By the way, what war is this?
Hawkeye:
The latest war to end all wars.
Frank Burns:
It's nice to be nice... to the nice.
Father Mulcahy:
Winchester, you are a dirty stinker!
Charles:
Put that ba... What?
B.J.:
Don't listen to him, Charles. Nobody takes the word of a priest.
Father Mulcahy:
I've been doing a little investigating and I've discovered that this belongs to you!
[gives collection ledger back to Charles]
Charles:
Ah, the charity ledger. Well, it did belong to me, Father, but it's long since passed from my hands.
Father Mulcahy:
Well, it's back! Major, it is a very low and unscrupulous person who abdicates the opportunity to do good work for his fellow man. Tell me, are you such a person?
Charles:
Certainly not. Every Christmas I give $2 to the postman.
Father Mulcahy:
My, my, you certainly give till it hurts.
Hawkeye:
Well, what do you expect, Father? He's the kind of person who would give a drowning man a glass of water.
Father Mulcahy:
All right then, Winchester, this is what it comes down to: this job has been passed on to me, and I'm not going to do it. So when General Crenshaw gets this empty ledger back, he's not going to feel so charitable. Not to mention Colonel Potter. And the man they are going to hang is the man whose name is on the assignment sheet. And guess who that is? You'll be busted so low you'll be saying, "Yes, sir," to Klinger!
[storms out]
Charles:
[forlorn] Gentlemen... Have you ever considered that there are people less fortunate than yourselves? People who need your financial assistance? People... such as me?
Hawkeye:
Shh!
Frank Burns:
[guarding a wounded POW] One wrong move and it's curtains. Get the message, Mr. Moto? Yeah, I thought so. You know plenty English. Okay, friend, I'm not a talking man. Next time I talk, this
[his loaded rifle]
Frank Burns:
talks for me. No questions asked. Curtains. Get the message, pal'o mine? I don't chew my cabbage twice. One wrong move and you'll find that out. I react
[whips around]
Frank Burns:
Zing! That's a big kiss-off. Capice? I tend to, uh, shoot first and ask questions later. Little habit I have. But you'll find out fast if you get cute. We straight on that?
[gets out walkie talkie]
Frank Burns:
Any allied personnel. Any allied personnel. I have begun to take prisoners. Request instructions re: prisoners or will be forced to shoot same. Over and out. I think you get the picture right, Amigo?
[the POW has fallen asleep]
Radar:
[as Hawkeye and Trapper wrestle with Frank Burns, for his battery-warmed socks] They're hunting socks, sir.
Henry Blake:
At this hour?
Radar:
When I was wandering around here, I didn't find no enemies so I figure we're safe so long as we can get out of here.
Hawkeye:
Speaking of which, enemy-wise, has anyone seen our prisoner?
Frank Burns:
There he is! *Sabotage*! He's tinkering with our parts!
[the POW is trying to fix the bus]
Frank Burns:
Get away from there!
B.J.:
Easy, Frank, easy! He's wounded, remember?
Frank Burns:
Oh, wounded, sure! That's how we lost China!
B.J.:
By fixing a bus?
[the wrench Frank is holding is pointed towards B.J]
B.J.:
Careful, that could be loaded.
Col. Potter:
All right, all right, that settles it. We've finally run out of food, water...
[looks at Frank Burns]
Col. Potter:
and brains. We gotta get out of here, which means walking. So... we walk.
[the bus engine starts]
B.J.:
I wish I knew how to say thanks.
[they all pile into the bus]
Col. Potter:
[to the POW who fixed the bus] Mighty grateful for this, old man.
Frank Burns:
Get out of my seat, Pierce.
Hawkeye:
Oh, shut your gob, Frank.
Col. Potter:
Nick of time. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. May the First Cavalry forgive me.
Trapper:
Frank, why don't you let that cut under your nose heal?
Hawkeye:
[Pierce, who was blinded earlier in the episode, calls out] Is there a doctor in the house?
Frank Burns:
What is it, Pierce?
Hawkeye:
Oh, Frank, I'm glad you're here - go get a doctor.
Radar:
You walked out on a patient, and Major Winchester had to finish for you.
Hawkeye:
So? I'd have done the same for him if he were sick.
Radar:
Well a lot of people don't look at it like you were sick, Hawkeye. A lot of people look up to you here. They admire you and they kinda feel they want to be like you. And... Gee, when you walk out on an operation, you make them feel like you've let them down. If they can't depend on you, well, they figure, well, maybe there's no point in depending on anything.
Hawkeye:
Look you can't lay all that on my shoulders. Don't you know how much this place stinks? Don't you know what it's like to stand day after day in blood? The blood of children.
[slams down a pillow]
Hawkeye:
I hate this place. And if I can't stand up to it to your satisfaction, then the hell with it.
[stands up; turns around]
Hawkeye:
How *dare* you! The hell with your Iowa naivete and the hell with your hero worship and your teddy bear and while you're at it, the hell with *you*. Why don't you grow up, for crying out loud? I'm not here for you to admire. I'm here to pull bodies out of a sausage grinder. If possible, without going crazy. Period.
[Radar stifles crying]
Hawkeye:
Come on, cut it out. Stop it, will you? You *ninny*!
[exits]
Charles:
As I was saying, sir, I feel I could be more useful in Tokyo or even the states.
Col. Potter:
Not to me, commissioner.
Charles:
This meatball surgery of yours is causing my skills to deteriorate. They're wasting away!
Col. Potter:
Don't change the color of your face! I'm out of umber.
Charles:
And I'm out of patience! This place is driving me mad!
Col. Potter:
Cool off, Winchester.
Charles:
How can I cool off in this God forsaken pest hole.
Col. Potter:
You're here so get used to it!
Charles:
You haven't lifted a finger to get me transferred.
Col. Potter:
That's right and I don't intend to.
Charles:
I certainly think you ought to consider...!
Col. Potter:
[shouting] Not again, Major! I've had enough of your beefing! I need you here and you'll stay here like the rest of us! Here, your face is finished.
[presents a painted portrait of Charles shouting]
Father Mulcahy:
[Hawkeye has just lost it with a hospitalized Radar] I just left Radar. Now, Hawkeye, please accept this with the spirit intended. You're under enormous pressure here and I'm... I just want to know one little thing... Have you lost your mind?
Hawkeye:
Father, you don't know how sorry I am.
Father Mulcahy:
I mean tha - that boy is lying there in a hospital bed with tubes sticking out of body and you... You call him a ninny?
Hawkeye:
Father...
Father Mulcahy:
I'm incensed! I am outraged! Where is your decency, man? Your humanity? I am acrimonious! I am not a man given to physical demonstrations of emotion, but let me tell you, I can be persuaded to violence.
Hawkeye:
Go ahead, Father.
Father Mulcahy:
I think I will!
[kicks down the stove]
B.J.:
Glad you let it out, Father?
Father Mulcahy:
Well as a matter of fact, I found it particularly unsatisfying. If you want to know the truth, it is entirely possible that I have broken my toe!
Hawkeye:
Radar, I'd like to apologize.
Radar:
Oh, yeah? Well, you can just forget it. Just forget it. Hell with me, huh? The hell with *you*. How about that? And another thing,
[gets out of bed]
Radar:
I wanna tell you something, anybody says anything about Iowa better be prepared to back it up, pal. I'll give you a fist-full of Iowa naivete right in the puss! How about that? You know I don't need you to tell me what's what. I know what's what just as well as you do. So why don't you just crawl back in your bottle of booze and pickle yourself? Ha!
Wounded Soldier:
[as Hawkeye treats a gluteal bullet wound] What if they ask me where I got hit?
Hawkeye:
Look them right in the eye and say without blinking, "I got hit in the butt." And if they keep bugging you, drop your pants and show them your scar.
Wounded Soldier:
[snorts] make me laugh.
Hawkeye:
Whitney, we're talking about your body. It's been invaded by a bullet and there's nothing amusing about that.
Wounded Soldier:
Don't I know it.
Hawkeye:
On the other hand, you should be proud. You have a very special wound - it's symbolic of this entire war. This whole thing has been one giant pain in the butt. When they wanna hand you your purple heart, you can tell them where to pin it.
Radar:
[on the phone, during a sniper attack] Hey, listen, can you speak up a little bit? Somebody's trying to kill me!
Frank Burns:
Funny thing, war: never have so many suffered so much so so few could be so happy.
Margaret:
We're lucky to be two of the few and not the many.
Frank Burns:
I know, darling, and I love being both of us.
Charles:
Klinger, you are a gentleman and a lady.
Colonel Flagg:
[after Frank Burns pats his shoulder] My father touched me that way once. To this day he still has to wear orthopedic shirts.
Margaret:
Oh, Frank. You're so above average.
Colonel Flagg:
We've got files on people who haven't even been born.
Colonel Flagg:
Have you ever heard of the Malaysian Chest Implosion Torture?
Radar:
[intimidated] No.
Colonel Flagg:
That's because it hasn't been invented... yet.
Frank Burns:
Spontaneity has its time and its place.
Frank Burns:
What would have happened in 1776 if the Minutemen on their way to Concord had stopped to worry about toilet paper?
Hawkeye:
So we would have had independence ten minutes later.
[Giving advice to Hawkeye]
Father Mulcahy:
This isn't one of my sermons. I expect you to listen.
Margaret:
[referring to Hawkeye and Trapper] Those two are ruining this war... for ALL of us!
Henry Blake:
Do we have enough sherry and ginger-ale for the General?
Radar:
Oh, nobody does, sir.
Henry Blake:
Oh, fine then, if nobody does we don't have to, but make sure we do, just in case we don't.
Charles:
One does not wax philosophical when one is about to be sent to Leavenworth...
[pause]
Charles:
My God, that's in Kansas.
Hawkeye:
No wonder they execute people at dawn. Who wants to live at six A.M.?
[to Margaret]
Hawkeye:
Did anyone ever tell you, you have the voice of a songbird slowly drowning in tar?
Radar:
[takes a drink of Hawkeye's home-made gin, and grimaces] I thought this stuff was supposed to make you feel better.
B.J.:
No. It's supposed to make you feel nothing.
Margaret:
I'm not so think as you drunk I am...
[about Hawkeye and BJ]
Col. Potter:
Please excuse these two, they're themselves today.
Dr. Sidney Freedman:
I haven't washed my hands since I became a psychiatrist.
Hawkeye:
Insanity is just a state of mind
Hawkeye:
If I said the word "sleep" three times to you, I'd put you right under.
Col. Potter:
Not a chance.
Hawkeye:
Oh yeah? Watch this. Sleep. Sleep. Sleeeeeeep.
[Hawkeye falls asleep]
[both drunk, under fire, in a foxhole]
Col. Potter:
I said fire that weapon.
Hawkeye:
All right.
[to the gun]
Hawkeye:
You're fired.
[to Potter]
Hawkeye:
I did it as gently as I could.
Col. Potter:
That was an order, Pierce.
Hawkeye:
[Snapping his fingers] Oh waiter, would you take this man's order, please?
Henry Blake:
You're always wrong, Frank. That's what's so right about you.
[looking at Klinger]
Frank Burns:
What's he doing in here?
Hawkeye:
Sharing our tent.
Frank Burns:
Not on your nelly. Won't catch me sleeping with an enlisted men.
Hawkeye:
Frank... just wrap yourself in a flag and go to sleep.
Trapper:
And don't get in bed with that gun... that's an order.
Frank Burns:
A Captain can't give a Major an order.
Hawkeye:
Then it's a threat.
[Short pause]
Frank Burns:
Oh that's different... it was a great war until you guys showed up.
Charles:
[to a patient in cardiac arrest] Live! That's an order!
Col. Potter:
The General answers his own phone. Must be a Unitarian.
[Hawkeye, Trapper, Burns, and Hot Lips are meeting several Majors]
Margaret:
Major, Major Houlihan.
Major:
Major Houlihan. Major Burns.
Frank Burns:
Major. Major.
Hawkeye:
Major Pierce. Well, I think we've made a "major" breakthrough.
Frank Burns:
I love it here.
Col. Potter:
Either you or Klinger is nuts. Now I have to figure out which one.
Henry Blake:
Will you stop saying what I'm thinking?
Radar:
One of us has to.
Hawkeye:
[as they see a soldier reported dead turn up alive] I thought he was dead.
Trapper:
He got better.
[South Koreans are being taught to speak English]
Frank Burns:
We're making real progress.
Hawkeye:
I can tell. You have a Korean accent.
Margaret:
Act like a man, you sniveling twerp!
PA System:
Due To circumstances beyond our control, lunch will be served today.
[PA Announcement after 3 weeks without wounded]
PA System:
Attention all personnel . Due to a lack of casualties, today's midnight movie will be shown at 9:00 in the morning... And midnight has been canceled.
Col. Potter:
[Hawkeye and B.J. learn that Major Winchester has permanently replaced Frank Burns] Would you rather have Burns?
Hawkeye:
He was more fun to be cruel to.
Radar:
My own father didn't have me until he was 63, and the first time we played peek-a-boo together he had a stroke.
Hawkeye:
War isn't Hell. War is war, and Hell is Hell. And of the two, war is a lot worse.
Father Mulcahy:
How do you figure, Hawkeye?
Hawkeye:
Easy, Father. Tell me, who goes to Hell?
Father Mulcahy:
Sinners, I believe.
Hawkeye:
Exactly. There are no innocent bystanders in Hell. War is chock full of them - little kids, cripples, old ladies. In fact, except for some of the brass, almost everybody involved is an innocent bystander.
Dr. Sidney Freedman:
[to Klinger] You're a tribute to man's endurance. A monument to hope in size 12 pumps. I hope you do get out someday. There would be a battalion of men in hoop skirts right behind you.
Hawkeye:
If you act drunk long enough, you get a REAL hangover.
Hawkeye:
You've written her three days in a row. What are you trying to do, get bulk mail rates?
Charles:
I am trying, you unamusing little man, to prevent a wedding which begins
[in Italian accent]
Charles:
"Eh, do youse take this woman?"
Hawkeye:
Before you start writing poison pen blessings, Charles, why don't you lie down and dry out?
Charles:
Because inebriation will enable me to form the words that will sway my sister.
Hawkeye:
Perfect. Right now you're an expert at swaying.
Charles:
[reads letter] "I await with baited garlic breath the announcement of your first born: To Honoria and Vito 'The Big Knife' Machete, a 12 pound, 10 ounce organ grinder."
Hawkeye:
When you mail that, you better wear a disguise. Why don't you dress up as a human being? No-one will recognize you.
B.J.:
All right, that does it.
[shouts]
B.J.:
That does it! I've had it with
[to Hawkeye]
B.J.:
your sanctimony and
[to Charles]
B.J.:
your bigotry! What I need is some tranquility. Like in a machine gun nest.
Margaret:
I am a woman, after all.
Hawkeye:
[turning to Burns] Is that true, Frank?
Trapper:
[after being asked a question] How should I know? I dropped out of school to become a doctor.
Trapper:
Take a walk, Frank.
Hawkeye:
Yeah, take a major walk.
Henry Blake:
Frank, whatever it is, just write it down and put it on my desk where I can't find it.
Radar:
Sir, there's someone waiting to see you.
Henry Blake:
I was born with someone waiting to see me.
Henry Blake:
[not wanting to deal with Major Houlihan] Radar, turn on the news. Maybe the war just ended and I won't have to talk to her.
[a mentally-ill soldier is firing a weapon in the compound]
Dr. Sidney Freedman:
I'm not going out there without a bulletproof couch.
[as Maj. Burns looks for bombs in a field]
B.J.:
What's Frank up to?
Hawkeye:
I think he's vacuuming Korea. Eisenhower's coming; he wants everything just so.
[Sgt. Zale, drunk, has broken his hand]
B.J.:
Congratulations, Sergeant. You've just turned your right hand into a maraca. Once I set it, you can sit in with the relief band.
Zale:
How come I don't feel no pain?
B.J.:
It's swimming upstream against the bourbon.
Henry Blake:
Radar, whatever it is, sign it, cancel it, or order five more.
[Calling Maj. Freedman]
Hawkeye:
Sidney? Hawkeye Pierce. Did I interrupt you in the middle of someone?
Colonel Flagg:
This won't look good on your record.
Frank Burns:
But Colonel, it's just Reader's Digest.
Colonel Flagg:
Not if you eliminate the third, fifth, and sixth letters, then it's Red's Digest, comrade.
[describing Maj. Houlihan]
Maj. Winchester:
Part seductress and part Attila the Hun.
Colonel Flagg:
I've got to nip this guy in the bud. This sort of behavior is contagious, you know. One guy decides he's not gonna fight anymore, it catches on, and pretty soon you know what we've got?
B.J.:
Peace?
[Describing Frank and Hot Lips in a letter to his wife]
Col. Potter:
She's the head nurse. He's the head twerp.
Radar:
Sir, I was just crossing the compound when...
Frank Burns:
I have no interest in the compound.
Klinger:
He has no compound-interest.
Colonel Flagg:
You think you're real smart. But you're not smart; you're dumb. Very dumb. But you've met your match in me.
Frank Burns:
I'm sick of hearing about the wounded. What about all the thousands of wonderful guys who are fighting this war without any of the credit or the glory that always goes to those lucky few who just happen to get shot?
Frank Burns:
It's the way these yellow devils think. It's burned into their brains. Kill Americans, kill, kill. They don't respect human life the way we do. I'd like to take him out and shoot him.
Frank Burns:
Why don't you guys like me?
Hawkeye:
Because you're a lousy doctor and a rotten person.
Frank Burns:
Aside from that.
B.J.:
Well, there's your pimples.
Frank Burns:
My pores won't close.
[Radar has met BJ's family in San Francisco]
B.J.:
First time my little girl ever called anybody "Daddy"...
[sobs]
B.J.:
and it wasn't *me*.
Charles:
That rapier-like wit. I've seen snappier comebacks from a bowl of Rice Krispies.
Klinger:
Oh, first I'm a plant; now, I'm breakfast food. What next?
Charles:
Well, you're crude and unrefined... how about petroleum?
Hawkeye:
How much of this can a man take? We must have seen this picture twelve times in the last month. Its a recurring nightmare with popcorn.
B.J.:
Big surprise dinner party. Spectacularly unforgetable. Have you ever considered renting your mouth out to the motor pool as a garage?
Hawkeye:
Klinger, get back here as fast as you can. We want a few minutes before the party to beat the daylights out of you.
Hawkeye:
I always feel very patriotic after OR. My whites are covered with red and it gives me the blues.
Charles:
Hunnicutt, I've known a lot of people in my life. You are not among them.
Charles:
Hawkeye, you remind of a dog I once had. He was cheerful in the morning, just like you, so I gave him to a family of immigrant Japanese... and they ATE him.
Frank Burns:
All right, where's my razor?
Hawkeye:
Been shaving your legs again, Frank?
[referring to Margaret and Frank, after they inadvertently save Hawkeye and Trapper from prosecution]
Trapper:
Don't you love them?
Hawkeye:
You can have her, he's mine.
Hawkeye:
Hello, bed. It's me, Captain Pierce. I'm coming in there.
Hawkeye:
Blow in my ear.
Margaret:
What?
Hawkeye:
I'm so cold I think my pilot's gone out.
PA System:
Attention all personnel. Due to the shortage of oil and wood, tonight's movie will be burned at
[Hawkeye's making out with one of the nurses]
Nurse #1:
Hawkeye?
Hawkeye:
Huh?
Nurse #1:
Tell me the truth. Do you respect me?
Hawkeye:
Do I respect the flag? Apple pie? Hamburgers? The loyalty of a fine dog?
Nurse #1:
That's all I wanted to know.
[they continue making out]
Nurse #3:
Does every new nurse fall in love with you here?
Hawkeye:
Only the ones with taste.
Nurse #3:
Do you think I have any?
Hawkeye:
I don't know, let me taste you.
Frank Burns:
Klinger, how dare you wear that hat while in uniform?
Klinger:
It's spring, sir.
Col. Potter:
[lecturing Klinger] None of us wants to be here. I don't want to be here. Radar doesn't want to be here. The doctors and nurses don't want to be here. Certainly the wounded don't want to be here. But we've got to do our best.
Father Mulcahy:
[singing] A chaplain in the Army has a collar on his neck. If you don't listen to him, you'll all wind up in Heck.
Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
BJ & Hawkeye:
Oh, the surgeons in the Army, they say we're mighty bright. We work on soldiers through the day and nurses through the night.
Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Col. Potter:
Friendships in the army, they say are mighty rare. So I spend all my free time carousing with my mare.
Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Nurses:
The surgeons in the army, their brains they are profound. But we'll take chopper pilots, they'll get you off the ground.
Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Radar:
The corporals in the army, ya say we're really green. But if it weren't for us guys you'd be in the latrine.
Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Klinger:
Oh, some guys like the Army. I think that it's a mess. If it's so damn terrific. How come I wear a dress?
Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
Margaret:
The nurses in the army, they haven't tied the knot. But this one's gonna try it with Donald Penobscott.
Everybody:
Oh, I don't want no more of Army life. Gee Mom, I wanna go. But they won't let me go. Gee Mom, I wanna go home.
[Hawkeye and BJ have just stumbled into a few booby traps in the Swamp set for them by Charles as he listens to a record playing Classical music]
Charles:
[looking over shoulder] Please, gentlemen... Mozart.
[turns back, closes eyes contentedly]
Charles:
A Winchester acknowledges only one 5:30 a day. This is not it.
[Radar has just finished demonstrating with his teddy bear to some Korean women how to give birth]
Col. Potter:
Congratulations, Mrs. O'Reilly, it's a bear.
Colonel Flagg:
I can find anything.
Hawkeye:
Can you find my virginity? I lost it twenty years ago and haven't seen it since.
[Margaret has just thanked Hawkeye]
Hawkeye:
Margaret, I'm honored, touched... and aroused.
Cpl. Igor Straminsky:
See these fresh oranges? They don't grow on trees, you know.
Trapper:
They got a lot of guts.
Hawkeye:
And they keep serving them.
Father Mulcahy:
[offering to go through the local black market, for needed medicines] You'd be surprised what a priest can get away with.
Frank Burns:
Klinger, I want you out of that dress tonight!
Klinger:
Never on a first date, sir!
Frank Burns:
I know I'm a real asset.
Hawkeye:
You're only off by two letters.
[it is extremely hot outside]
PA System Announcer:
Attention, all personnel - incoming wounded. Out of the frying pan and into the O.R.
[some wounded arrive during the night]
PA System Announcer:
Attention, all personnel - we interrupt your sweet dreams to bring you the following nightmare.
[a Halloween party is in progress]
PA System Announcer:
Attention, all personnel - some party guests have arrived - dressed as wounded soldiers.
[some wounded arrive during the night]
PA System Announcer:
Attention, all personnel - this is your wake-up call.
[yet more wounded arrive during the night]
PA System Announcer:
Attention, all personnel - rise and whine; we have more wounded. Don't make any plans for the weekend... or the week.
PA System Announcer:
Hear ye, Hear ye, it's 0700 and all is hell. Incoming wounded, folks.
[there has been a long wait for a large load of wounded people]
PA System Announcer:
Attention, all personnel... the wounded you've all been waiting for has finally arrived in person... report to the Big Top immediately; the circus is about to begin.
Hawkeye:
Radar, you'll be assisting Margaret Houlihan, nurse, friend and all around good egg.
[walks away as Radar stares at Margaret]
Margaret:
[noticing Radar staring at her] He's very sick.
Radar:
Will Scotch be all right for everybody, sir?
Henry Blake:
Yeah, fine, Radar - perfect.
Radar:
[offering a drink to Captain Sloan] Uh, I ran out of ice sir, so I used bourbon.
Captain Hallorin:
[sitting down beside Klinger, noticing he's a man in drag] Hey... Up close, you're a guy!
Klinger:
Far away, too.
Hawkeye:
I'm too frightened to be scared.
B.J.:
[handing Frank an unused Hari-Kari knife] Why don't you do us a favour, and break it in!
Radar:
[after being awoken by Maj. Burns and appears confused] Oh, Korea!
Hawkeye:
[after discovering a patient that is a baby] His draft board went crazy.
Hawkeye:
You're a better nurse than I am, Gunga Din.
Colonel Lambert:
[describing General Mitchell] Honest, true blue as the day is long, and about as interesting as a five-pound bag of fertilizer.
Hawkeye:
[making out with a nurse in the Swamp, as Radar knocks] Hot Lips, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot you.
Radar:
It's Radar.
Hawkeye:
Radar, if you don't get out of here, I'll shoot Hot Lips.
Klinger:
Sir, I've had a lot of experience in these matters.
Charles:
I do not need the wisdom of your experience. I am not selling watches from the trunk of a car.
Hawkeye:
Life, Liberty, and Pursuit of happy hour.
Hawkeye:
[in describing the Swamp] We like it. It's modeled after the Chicago sewer system.
Frank Burns:
At school I used to snitch on myself for not snitching.
Frank Burns:
[Frank has learned that a soldier self-inflicted a wound] You little scum, you! Shooting yourself. You oughta be shot for that!
Frank Burns:
You disgust me!
Hawkeye:
You're right, Frank... I discussed you with everyone I know and we all find you disgusting.
Trapper:
If you won't help us, we'll tell everyone your brother's in prison!
Henry Blake:
My brother is the warden!
Hawkeye:
We won't say that part!
Frank Burns:
I'm taking this to a higher authority.
Trapper:
Aw, Frank... you're not going to write your mother again.
Klinger:
[Klinger enters Potter's office with a giant salami in one hand, and a giant loaf of bread in the other] 50 more pounds, and I'm homeward-bound!
Col. Potter:
You're going to *eat* you way to a discharge?
Klinger:
I call it "Food for Freedom"!
Col. Potter:
I call it "Suicide by Salami"!
Klinger:
I'll take my chances!
Col. Potter:
Okay, when you can't get through that door, come see me.
Klinger:
I'll be wearing a size 30, sir.
Father Mulcahy:
Colonel, an ambulance has turned over in the compound, you better come on the double.
Col. Potter:
Anybody hurt?
Father Mulcahy:
Well, the driver's a bit shaken-up, but he'll be all right.
Col. Potter:
No-one else inside?
Father Mulcahy:
No.
Col. Potter:
Thank God.
Father Mulcahy:
I already did.
Colonel Flagg:
What's your clearance?
Henry Blake:
Oh, I go through the door with about an inch to spare.
Colonel Flagg:
I mean security wise.
Hawkeye:
[after being given a martini first thing in the morning] My kidneys were expecting orange juice. Silly kidneys.
B.J.:
[Hawkeye and B.J. had walked into the woods to try and find civilization] Just woods and more woods.
Hawkeye:
I met a little girl with a basket for her grandma.
B.J.:
Wearing a little red riding hood?
Hawkeye:
Actually she was with seven little dwarfs.
B.J.:
She's in the wrong woods.
Hawkeye:
Or the wrong story.
Col. Potter:
Are you finished, doctors?
Hawkeye:
Are you...?
[B.J. nods]
Hawkeye:
Yes.
[Nods]
Frank Burns:
[into walkie talkie] There is a fighter plane approaching. And, um, when I say "Now", the jet will be directly over my head.
[the jet whooshes overhead]
Frank Burns:
Now!
B.J.:
Frank, that thing is a thousand feet up going 500 miles an hour.
Hawkeye:
By the time you said 'now', the plane was in its hangar and the pilot was in his jammies.
Frank Burns:
I was just trying to help!
Col. Potter:
Stop trying. That should help right off.
Sergeant:
[as Hawkeye, dressed as Santa Claus, is lowered by helicopter to treat a wounded soldier] And you said there was no Santa!
Dr. Sidney Freedman:
Ladies and Gentlemen, take my advice: pull down your pants and slide on the ice
Frank Burns:
This is the last straw!
Hawkeye:
Remind me to order more straws.
Frank Burns:
[into a walkie-talkie] Any allied personnel, if you receive me, here is my position. Ready?
[peers out the window]
Frank Burns:
There are only about half a dozen stars visible sky-wise. I am directly under the brightest one. Over.
Hawkeye:
Terrific, Frank.
B.J.:
They'll start searching for us in Bethlehem.
Frank Burns:
I don't see why the American taxpayer has to pay for a wedding between these two *pagans*.
Margaret:
They're not pagans, Frank. Everyone's going to be wearing clothes.
Margaret:
Who the hell are you supposed to be?
Charles:
This is the latest in hunting attire from Ambercrombie & Fitch.
Margaret:
Well, you look like an overgrown bagpipe.
Henry Blake:
This will be a real test of my leadershipmanship.
Radar:
[on the phone with the US] Whoa, did you know it's yesterday there?
Hawkeye:
Well, it's today here.
B.J.:
It's always today here.
Hawkeye:
Oh, yeah? What about tomorrow?
B.J.:
Good point.
Hawkeye:
Ha, I wasn't born yesterday!
Frank Burns:
I want everybody to understand that this is war, and that war is a call to arms!
[reaches for his sidearm, which has been switched with a stapler]
Hawkeye:
[raises arms in surrender] Here's our money, mister. Don't staple us.
Condon:
[a racist, who insisted his blood transfusion come from a white donor] What are you guys trying to do to me? Did you give me the wrong color blood or not?
Trapper:
All blood is the same.
Hawkeye:
You ever hear of Dr Charles Drew, soldier?
Condon:
Who's that?
Hawkeye:
Dr Drew invented the process for separating blood so it can be stored.
Trapper:
Plasma.
Hawkeye:
He died last April after a car accident in North Carolina.
Trapper:
He bled to death. The hospital wouldn't let him in.
Hawkeye:
It was for whites only.
Hawkeye:
[counseling a soldier who wants rhinoplasty] Listen, there are a lot of people who think a big nose is a sign of sexual potency. - Sorry, Father.
Father Mulcahy:
I just translate things like that into Latin. Makes them sound noble.
Sgt. Gribble:
I can't stand needles, they make me feel all - ooogy.
Hawkeye:
I get the same feeling from peanut butter.
Frank Burns:
The men hate me, don't they?
Radar:
Just your guts, sir.
Frank Burns:
That's not my department, sir - intelligence is something I try to avoid.
Frank Burns:
I wonder if I can say something useful?
Trapper:
I often wonder that too, Frank.
Charles:
Here. This is what I risked my life for.
[hands piece of paper to Colonel Potter]
Capt. B.J. Hunnicut:
We didn't know if you were late, Charles, or the late Charles. We thought maybe you'd been shot and we were trying to figure out which side did it.
Charles:
Hunnicut, go hurt yourself.
Col. Potter:
I think I can open a box of pills without stressing myself.
[opens the box]
Col. Potter:
[angrily] What in Hanna's hell have you done now?
Klinger:
What are you talking about?
Col. Potter:
You ordered the wrong damn medicine again, that's what!
Maj. Frank Burns:
Gee whiz, that's terrific. I haven't seen a good movie in ages.
Hawkeye:
Frank, don't be childish. It's only a movie.
[Frank walks away]
Hawkeye:
Oh, boy! Oh, boy! A movie! Hee, hee, hee! I'm so excited, I could plotz!
Hawkeye:
And now for the moment no-one has been waiting for: the Father Mulcahy sound-alike contest.
[Father Mulcahy passes him his hat]
Hawkeye:
[imitating Mulcahy] My word, Hawkeye, this jocularity is most unseemly.
[tosses hat to Klinger]
Cpl. Maxwell Klinger:
[imitating Mulcahy, in squeaky voice] How can you make jokes at a time like this? Ooh.
[passes hat to Frank Burns]
Maj. Frank Burns:
[in high voice] The post-op is collapsing and the O.R. is on fire.
[passes hat to Margaret]
Margaret:
[in high voice] And somebody has broken into the sacramental wine.
[tosses hat to Radar]
Radar:
Sorry, Father.
[puts on hat; imitates Mulcahy]
Radar:
It seems that Private Simpson has come down with a case of hepatitis. He's the most remarkable shade of yellow.
[tosses hat to Colonel Potter]
Col. Sherman Potter:
[in high voice] Jocularity! Jocularity!
[tosses hat to Father Mulcahy]
Father Francis Mulcahy:
Let me just say this about all these impersonations...
[everybody groans in protest]
Hawkeye:
That's definitely the Mills Brothers.
Father Mulcahy:
[Some Refugees leave on a truck, Father Mulcahy is handing out the Holy Bible] Here you go kids... just something to read on the way.
Hawkeye:
If you have any questions they have branch offices everywhere.
Hawkeye:
[speaking to Klinger] Unhand me you varlet, you know not who you touch.
Colonel Flagg:
[holding up a finger] Do you believe I can break you leg with this finger?
Charles:
[stammering] Strangly enough, I-I-I-I do.
Congressional Aide:
But I want you to know, that you have been duped by a Communist sympathizer.
Charles:
What a coincidence, so have you!
Trapper:
I've never met a nurse that didn't register.
Hawkeye:
Nurse!
Lt. Leslie Scorch:
Did you call me, Doctor?
Hawkeye:
Why should I call you "Doctor?", I'm the surgeon.
Frank Burns:
[Frank and Hawkeye are arguing over a medical procedure] Don't tell me how to operate! I'm a doctor too, you know!
Hawkeye:
Your secret's safe with me, Frank.
Hawkeye:
The Bill of Rights says we have a right to write... Or am I wrong?
Henry Blake:
[after receiving an award] It's really Corporal O'Reilly who runs this place - he just uses me as a front!
[Everyone laughs]
Col. Potter:
You scared, son?
Soldier on guard duty:
Oh, no sir.
Col. Potter:
If you had brains, you'd be scared.
Frank Burns:
A couple more weeks and I would have had you out of that dress.
Klinger:
I'm not that easy!
Frank Burns:
[Grabs Margaret's arm to keep her from walking away from him] Margaret, can't we please talk about this?
Margaret:
Remove your hand or I'll zap you with my knee.
[Frank removes his hand]
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