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Eric Pollard:
It's Francis, isn't it?
Butch Dingle:
Not if you want to keep your teeth.
Shadrach Dingle:
Cousin of the accused with her kit off, you'll make a bomb.
Chastity Dingle:
Unless you want your teeth introduced to your throat, I suggest you shut it.
Shadrach Dingle:
Fair enough.
[Cain has just told Zak about Debbie]
Zak:
I've got to stop chewing those leaves.
[Lisa has just punched Zak on the jaw]
Marlon:
They'll put you in the cop car.
Sam:
Are you dead, Dad?
Zak:
No, I just feel like it.
Charity Tate:
Where's your boyfriend
Debbie Jones:
He's not my boyfriend.
Charity Tate:
I wouldn't call them boyfriend at your age either.
Debbie Jones:
No, you called them clients
[Shadrach has drunk a whole bottle of communion wine]
Ethan Blake:
What do you usually do with him?
Zak Dingle:
Wish he'd never been born!
[Danny Daggert, Robert Sugden and Donna Windsor sits at Viv's caf and Danny offers to help with rehearsing their Shakespeare, MacBeth homework]
Robert Sugden #2:
Donna, is it a Daggart I see before me?
Christopher 'Chris' Tate:
Cain's not the real villain here.
Terry Woods:
Oh, no, you're welcoming her back with open arms!
[Zak has had a run-in with the new gamekeeper]
Zak:
He's like a speed camera - always there when you don't want them.
Marlon:
Don't look now, but the speed camera's just walked in.
Terry Woods:
[to Diane Blackstock] It's my life they're messing with. You and all.
Diane Blackstock:
You drown out here man.
Sam:
[to Tom King] You're a proper nob.
Val Lambert:
[to Eric Pollard] 65 years on the clock, and not a friend in the world! Enjoy yourr old age, Counsellor Pollard!
Matthew King:
[regarding Charity] Yeah, well, let's just say she's not my type.
Jimmy King:
Yeah, I'd say Thelma-Louise
[Paul Lambert's drag-queen]
Jimmy King:
was more your style!
Diane Blackstock:
[about a plate of food that accidentally ended up on the floor] You can't serve that now!
Marlon:
It's for Shadrach.
Diane Blackstock:
Fair enough.
Laurel Potts:
Oh, it's like me, I'm never so assertive when I'm on my own. My mirror has had more time lashings. I'm sure it winces every time I go near it.
Bettina 'Betty' Eagleton:
Probably your face, love!
[Betty starts to laugh and naively, Laurel starts to laugh with her]
Terry Woods:
Trouble in paradise?
Christopher 'Chris' Tate:
There were no children in the garden of Eden.
Christopher 'Chris' Tate:
[talking to Debbie about math] Don't let anybody tell you that two wrongs don't make it right.
Daz Eden:
Has anyone seen me ferret, Spike?
Donna Windsor:
Yeah, like a stretched out rat.
Viv Windsor:
Be honest, Marlon. Am I overbearing?
Marlon:
Weeeell, you do, sort of, lean, towards the, erm, military campaign approach.
Jimmy King:
A day which has been etched in my memory... as I'm sure it will be in yours. Perhaps Dad would like to tell us all why he had his tongue, down Sadie's throat earlier.
Matthew King:
[angrily, after stunned silence] Is this true?
Sadie King:
No... it... it wasn't like that!
Jimmy King:
You should have heard him! Begging for it, he was. "All this could be yours Sadie!" Hands everywhere. And, like the practised whore she is, she got right into it!
Matthew King:
You're sleeping together? You and me father? YOU two?
Sadie King:
Why the hell would I do that?
Matthew King:
You mercenary gold-digger! Yer sick! You call the man DAD for God's sake!
Eric Pollard:
More chance of a stimulating conversation in a graveyard.
Louise Appleton:
Must've heard you were coming, Eric.
Rodney Blackstock:
Eric, if you don't belt up, I shall thump you.
Eric Pollard:
[in chuckle] Sorry? I really am sorry. You must be devastated.
Rodney Blackstock:
Twerp.
Delilah 'Del' Dingle:
[regarding Carl King] I've got to face it, Val. It's Chas he wants.
Val Lambert:
Well, Chas should have been around for him then. Absence makes the heart grow fungus!
Diane Blackstock:
[shouting into the pup] I am not having the menopause! I had it five years ago! Have you all got that through there?
Viv Windsor:
I suppose you've got some excuse.
Louise Appleton:
And... what's that?
Viv Windsor:
You're Australian, aren't you? All your ancestors were convicts. You probably just can't help yourself.
Louise Appleton:
It was just a silly mistake, a bit like that outfit!
Jarvis Skelton:
That lad of yours attracts trouble like horse attracts flies and I'm not impressed! It begins at home, it always does! Your parenting skills are obviously on the par with your dress sense.
Matthew King:
[regarding Sam Dingle] So... Simple Sam's had a baby, then?
Carl King:
Awww, come on. He was made up!
Tom King:
That lad would be made up if you gave him a yo-yo...
Jimmy King:
So, let's just get something clear, you're not a full time poof, you just help when they're busy?
Ivan Jones:
[sarcastically] Oh that's really witty, Jimmy, really original!
[walks off angrily]
Jimmy King:
What's the matter, don't you like me aftershave?
Ivan Jones:
Why, did you want a few tips?
Jimmy King:
Oy, you'll be short of a few teeth in a minute!
Viv Windsor:
I want you to go to your room.
Scott Windsor:
[laughs] I'm a bit old for that, Mum?
Viv Windsor:
I want you to go to your room pack your things and leave!
Scott Windsor:
Where is she?
Jamie Hope:
She? Narrow it down a bit.
Robert 'Bob' Hope:
He's looking for Dawn, he's got it into his head she's done something stupid to his car.
Scott Windsor:
I haven't got anything in my head.
Jamie Hope:
Yeah, I can second that.
Matthew King:
Face it Jimmy, in my position you'd have done the same thing!
Jimmy King:
That's where you're wrong, cause me, I've got morals!
Sadie King:
Yes, but you haven't got the haulage business, have you?
[sneers]
Grayson Sinclair:
Mother not around?
Matthew King:
Mine? No, she's been dead twenty years mate.
Jimmy King:
[on bursting into Sadie and Alasdair's wedding and being told to take their seats] Wrong Side
Carl King:
We're not even invited!
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