advertisement Uncle Dave: All in all this has really not been a very pleasant day. [from trailer] Osama bin Laden: Uwe Boll may be an infidel, but he made a very funny film. Uncle Dave: Today we're doing god work. So get in there and give those boys a god-job. [from trailer] George W. Bush: You know me and spelling and all... [laughs] Dude: I will do anything to get out of Paradise! Anything! Anything, if it has to be. Uncle Dave: Ok. Take me up the ass. Osama bin Laden: I'm telling you, Mohammed, I've seen this gas station before. We're lost. Mohammed: We're not lost. All gas stations look alike. What's wrong with you? Osama bin Laden: Would you just stop to ask for directions? Mohammed: Would you get off my back? I'm doing the best I can, ok? Osama bin Laden: I should be driving. Mohammed: Oh, so you can be the head of an organization and be the driver, too? Uwe Boll: There all that rumours out there, that my movies are financed with nazi-gold, and what should I say? It's true! Richard: [on the walkietalkie] This is Anne Frank. Hitler 2, come in. Official Licenced Krotchy Doll: Only my father and my priest are allowed to touch me there! Verne Troyer: Get the fuck out of here! [pushes a kid away before punching the other kid in the groin] Super-Impose: Gluttco Inc. World's Leading Glutt Producer. Osama bin Laden: I'm gonna go watch Oprah. Mohammed: [as Osama is leaving] She's looking good these days. The diet is working! [repeated line] Dude: I hate this city... Super-Impose: Habib's Lucky Ganesh. Secret Taliban Hideout. Osama bin Laden: [on the walkie-talkie] The fat man is at the buffet. Mohammed: What? Osama bin Laden: I repeat: the fat man is at the buffet. Mohammed: What the fuck are you talking about? Osama bin Laden: The van is here you idiot. Officer Greg: Citizens of this great nation... city. Watch out for this psychopathic deranged killer also known as... Officier John: [whispers to Greg] Postal Dude. Officer Greg: Postal Dude. Is that the best we could call him? Postal Dude! He's wanted for kidnapping, a shootout at the social welfare office, the assassination of Candidate Wells... Officier John: [whispers to Greg] And the murder of a Chinese woman. Officer Greg: And the murder of an poor, innocent, old Chinese woman. Dude: Ever had one of those days? Mob Member: No. [looks at the Postal Dude] Mob Member: Heyhey! The Postal Dude! I'll get you! Dude: Leave me alone! [runs away] Mob Member: [to the Mob] Come on. Let's follow him! Officer Greg: [looks at the Postal Dude's picture were he got long hair] No, that's not him. Do you see how his hair shimmies? This guy looks just like Jesus. Mohammed: Where are the fucking keys? They gotta be somewhere. Osama bin Laden: I thought you had the keys? Mohammed: [searches for the keys in his clothes] You know, sometimes it helps recreating your steps. Osama bin Laden: [finds the keys in his clothes] Mohammed! Vince Desiderio: [takes out a gun and aims at Uwe Boll] For Video-games! Mohammed: It's unfortunate that the desperate nature of our situation forces one of us to hug the martyrdom once more to fight and defeat the infidels. Well, who of us will have the honor today? Taliban: How about you, Mohammed? You are more than worthy! Mohammed: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. And I would like to do it. I would like to do it, believe me. Nobody in the world would like to do it more than me. But unfortunately Osama has forbid it me. Taliban: How about Abdul? [points to the retarted Taliban] Mohammed: Ah, a good idea. A very good idea. Genius! But of course he has to agree. So... Abdul, if you don't want to be blown into tiny little pieces, hold up your hand, hop on one foot and sing "Freebird". Retarded Taliban: Uh... uh... Mohammed: Abdul, it is! [the other Talibans applaud] Retarded Taliban: Uh...? Dude: I have to destroy a postal truck filled with lethal microbes before a doomsday cult or a terrorist groups gets their hands on it and destroys the entire world. Faith: Yeah, why I gotta believe that? Taliban: [at the same time as the D.O.O.M. member] Jihad! D.O.O.M. member: [at the same time as the Taliban] Apocalypse! [Dude fastly pulls out a second gun and kills both on the spot] Faith: Okay, so where's that truck? Blither: [his last lines] And everybody should buy my book: How to fire an employee without making them go postal. [a burning van falls on him] Osama Bin Ladin: Allah be praised! Now has come the time to sacrafice your lives to revenge this idiocy. Mohammed: Or we just kill the other guys! Yeah! Other Talibans: Yeah! [the other Talibans shoot through the roof of the car with their machine guns] Verne Troyer: I can't believe I took this fucking job... Richard: [reciting Uncle Dave's bible] And thy shall now that it is the last day of judgment begins when someday a itsy-bitsy entertainer come to us and gets raped by 1000 monkeys. Verne Troyer: That's it! I'm gonna kick your fucking ass! Uncle Dave: I'm so sorry but [gets kicked in the groin by Verne Troyer] Dude: Where did you get all those monkeys? Uncle Dave: I don't fucking know. I have nothing to do with this shit. Uncle Dave: [after kissing Richard] Fuck me! I'm fuckin' gay! Reporter Gayle: [ater pulling all the killed children on one spot so she can stand in the middle] Gary, wait. Reporter Gayle: [putting some drops into her eyes so it looks like she is crying] Ok, roll it Gary. Make me a star. [sad music begins to play] Reporter Gayle: This is Gayle Ravinson reporting live from Little Germany Theme Park or what will forever be known as "The place were the laughter died". Celebrity icon Verne Troyer is currently missing or presumed dead. The coward responsible for this massacre has been described as a rodent-like man with red hair and wearing a peace t-shirt. Back to you Bob. Oh, thats right - You're dead. Vince Desiderio: [takes off the head from his Krotchy costume] Boll, I'm Vince Desi. What the fuck did you do to my game "Postal"? Uwe Boll: I don't know what your fucking problem is. The movie is great! Super-Impose: Vincent James Desiderio, Jr. Creator of POSTAL Video Game. Vince Desiderio: [attacks Uwe Boll] Dude: You people are fighting each other in war and destroy the world in the name of God. God doesn't need your help to destroy the world. He is God, hello? Uwe Boll: [his last lines] I hate video games... [as the Postal Dude flees from the Mob he arrives Habib's Lucky Ganesh where Habib and Nassira are cleaning the windows and jaywalk from Candidate Wells' blood] Dude: Shit! Shit! [points to the mob as he hides behind the door] Mob Leader: Follow me! I know where he is! [Habib points into the store] Dude: Thanks. [runs into the store and hides behind the counter] Mob Leader: Hey, what direction did he go? [Habib points to the street] Mob Leader: That way! [runs with the rest of the mob into the direction Habib showed him] Nassira: Why did you help him? Habib: Do you want to clean the windows again? [after knocking out a criminal and punching him on the ground] Security Guard #1: I need backup! Osama bin Laden: They're not listening to me anymore, Mohammed. I tell them about Allah and glory and what do I get? What do i get all the damn time? Mohammed: Virgins... Osama bin Laden: Dingdingdingdingdingding! Nobody wants to die anymore unless they get virgins. Candidate Wells: [in front of Habib's Lucky Ganesh] George W. Bush is a sham. He's an actor. That's not even his real name! Mohammed: [confronting Habib inside Habib's Lucky Ganesh] He knows too much! Officer Greg: You're under arrest! Azeem: [walking through Habib's Lucky Ganesh wearing an explosive belt] Goodbye Heaven Tarts, Sugar Logs, Powdered Flakes, Sugar Sweetie O's... Azeem: [standing next to the exit] Farewell slimline caramel ice cream. Azeem: [heading towards Candidate Wells] Allah! [Azeem hugs Candidate Wells and his belt explodes] Dude: Oh, it's the moo-cow from the welfare office. [imitating her] Dude: Sorry, we're closed... BITCH! [the Postal Dude runs her over and she gets thrown on the other side of the street where she gets hit by another car which throws her back where she gets hit by a police car which stops immediately] Officier John: What was that? Officer Greg: [gets out of the car and takes a look] I thought we'd had a flat but we just ran over some girl. Thank God... [Takes out walkie-talkie] Officer Greg: I got a dead body on Maple... [When asked to repeat the location] Officer Greg: Maple, like the syrup. Mob Leader: Did you see the Postal Dude? [looking for the Postal Dude while not looking at the person he talks to] Dude: [wearing a police uniform and disguising his voice] Yeah, yeah. He went this way. [points into the opposite direction the Mob came from] Mob Leader: Good. United Citizens, let's get that motherucker. [the Mobs runs away without one person looking at the Postal Dude] Candidate Wells: And NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, does not exist. All the space missions we were told about since we were little kids in school: Creations of Hollywood! We never landed on the moon. There is no John Glenn. Election Poster: F.U.P the Fuck U Party. Bend over & vote. [last lines] Osama Bin Ladin: George, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. [first lines] Asif: Congratulations, Nabi. We are at the doorstep of our martyrdom. Official Licensed Krotchy Doll: What happens up my ass, stays up my ass. Richard: We must wipe out the entire planet. Richard: Bring out the monkeys! Verne Troyer: Not the monkeys! [a woman walks by] Peter: Wow! Did you see that? Paul: Yeah! Peter: One date with me and she'll look like she's been hit with a mayonnaise truck! [both laugh] Sign on door to Taliban hide-out: No entry to infidels! Peter: [as the Postal Dude is walking by] Speaking of crazy, have you seen that guy's wife? Paul: Yeah, she's hard to miss. Peter: She's a good fuck though. Paul: You fucked her? Peter: Several times! She's got a clapper in her trailer. The lights go on and off and on and off! [laughs] Peter: Makes you feel like a rock star! [both laugh] Paul: Let抯 go to the trailer! Candidate Wells: All 3000 people who died in the World Trade Center attack were not heroes. They were bankers! People who would like nothing stand in the way of making a quick buck. Why are they heroes? Because they died? What about the 17 million Africans and Arabs who have died in civil wars since 9/11? Is a life only of value if the media are interested in reporting it? Officier John: Greg, I've been doing a lot of research about American Morality. I'm not sure you're doing the right thing with Harry here. Officer Greg: Harry? You know how I met Harry? Me and my dog were hiking in the hills and this fool comes riding down the hill on his bicycle, hits my dog, flies over the handlebars and breaks his neck. Officier John: So you took him to the hospital? Officer Greg: I took my dog to the hospital. Harry? I threw him in the truck and took him home. I mean the motherfucker almost killed my dog. Officier John: Hm... Officer Greg: Three days later I came back and Harry was still alive. We've been business-partners ever since. Oh, Harry, it's time to go to work. Uwe Boll: You know, there're all that rumors out there that my movies are financed with nazi-gold? And what should I say? It's true! But somebody needs to do something with the money. Old Lady in Audience: Do you know that my father died in Auschwitz? Uwe Boll: My grandpa died also in Auschwitz. Uwe Boll: [pause] He fell from a watchtower. Uwe Boll: [laughs with Harald] Harald, ok, take her away. [Harald, the ass-kissing employee, takes the old lady away while Bob, the morning show host, shows that he feels uncomfortable sitting next to Uwe Boll] Uwe Boll: Something wrong, Bob? Uwe Boll: I get a little horny on here on stage sometimes. If you see the crowd and all that children. Morning show host Bob: Are you fucking kidding me? Paul: I knew this one girl that thought sperm was medicine. All she wanted to do was suck cock. Then she got 3 little children. So she used to put sperm into their bottles to build up their immune system. They all got AIDS. Officer Greg: Oh oh, watch this. Say "Will work for food" in German. Harry the Wheelchair Guy: Uh... Officer Greg: You're the shit. Uwe Boll: I am also happy to have today here Verne Troyer, the star of my next movie. Morning show host Bob: That's right. And your press release says that that film is a new paradigm of cinema. An epic romance that outstrips stories from the past, present and future. An fairy tale, that only the heart can understand. That sounds amazing, what's it called? Uwe Boll: Pong. Panhandler: [See's Dude walking by] Hey, yo, pal! Come here! Help me out with a few bucks. Dude: I don't... I don't have any money. [starts to walk away] Panhandler: No, I'm serious! I need a few bucks to take a bus ride to see my kids! Dude: [Stuttering] I don- I don't ha- I'm sorry. I don't have any money! [Starts to walk away again] Panhandler: Hey, get over here! Come here! Come here! COME HERE! [Dude turns around] Panhandler: Get the fuck outta here! I'm sick and tired of people like you! You got a good job! You got a big car! You got everything and I got nothing! Well, fuck you! And fuck anybody that even LOOKS like you! Get the fuck outta here! [Dude runs away] Panhandler: Fuckin' knock you out, pal! Cooter: [noticing the dog poo in Dude's yard] Feces in the yard. That's a violation of trailer coordinates #101-40. Dude: [to Dude's dog as it's eating the poop he's scraping off] Stop eating the poop! Cooter: I'll add that to the list. Dude: Oh, the list? Oh, great! What else? What else you got on the list? Cooter: Coordinates #143-11; yesterday around lunchtime. Now, I don't care what you two do in your own bedroom, but coordinates #143-11 says if I hear you nude love making after 10am, I get to file grievance against your sorry ass which is exactly what I'm gonna do! Dude: Oh, oh, okay! Well, at least I wasn't born in my sister, you imbred hick! Oh, and for your information, hillbilly, I wasn't even here sunday afternoon! Cooter: ... [chuckles] Dude: I hate this town... [walks away] Blither: [Dude has just seen the decapitated heads on some spikes] I see you noticed the heads. Motivational. Those were every fucking bastard I had to climb over to get this job. Dude: [shocked] Jesus! Blither: [laughs] No, no! They're paper miche! [to Recorder] Blither: Heh, he thought they were real! [to Dude] Blither: Sit down. [Dude sits down as he notices one of the heads is bleeding] Blither: Now, I hope you don't- [Dude almost falls off the seemingly broken chair] Blither: I hope you don't mind the recording. We'll use it later for training. Uh... [Dude continues to struggle with the chair] Blither: What the fuck is wrong with you? Dude: Uh, the chair's... the chair's actually... Blither: [Interupts] Look, we're on a time lapse. So, let's get going. Dude: Alright. So, uh, so I'm here for the job, sir. Blither: [Looking at Dude's resume] Yeah, you're a factory worker? Dude: [as he is struggling with the chair] I was a factory worker until the factory got closed down. So, I got laid off. Blither: I have reviewed 15 other people for this job. What makes you think you're better than them? Dude: Uh, I don't know if I am better than them... Blither: Well, God damn it, pal! If you want this job, you better reach out and grab it! You better put all of those fuckin' heads on the wall! [short pause] Blither: you know what? Fuck it. Let's get to the questions. Recorder: [to Dude] What is your biggest strength? Dude: Uh, I'm a really good team player. Recorder: Wrong. [types something] Recorder: What is your biggest weakness? Dude: [smiles] I say I work too hard. [chuckles] Recorder: Wrong. [types something] Recorder: How would you move a mountain using only a spoon? Dude: A spoon? Recorder: If you were in a box, how would you think outside it? [Dude thinks of an answer] Recorder: Wrong. [types something] Recorder: Last question: What is the difference between a duck? Dude: [Long pause] And... [another pause] Dude: [Stands up frustrated] What the hell is wrong with you people? A duck? Look, I came here for a job! A JOB! As far as I know, that job has nothin' to do with a cocksuckin' motherfuckin' DUCK! Blither: [pause] Congratulations, pal. You're are leading candidate. How does it feel? Dude: [Suprised] It feels good! Blither: No, no, no, how does it feel? Huh? How does it feel? I mean how does it feel to put fuckin' 15 heads on that wall? [Starts to make humping motions] Blither: I'll tell you how it feels, it feels fucking great, doesn't it? It feels fuckin' great! Umph! Umph! Umph! Umph! Umph! Dude: [Happy] So I got it! I got the job! Blither: Oh, hell no. No, no, this is just a get-to-know-you interview.