Grandma Lilly: I hate violence, but drugs ARE bad. Dante: [while stoned] Drive, monkey, drive! Dante: Wow... where do you get your weed? Mr. Cheezle: From you, Dante. Dante: Oh... THAT'S RIGHT! What's up, Mr. Cheezle! Alex: My Grandma drank all my pot. J.P.: [in robot voice] sit on my face [robot noises] Jeff: I can't believe you came on my mom! Dante: Dr. Shakalu brought my some crazy Zimbabwe weed that turns you into a deer. Alex: You do know that lions eat deer? Dante: Woah, Your right. Dr. Shakalu we need to be careful with that shit J.P.: Adios, turd nuggets. J.P.: [Upon leaning against a black wall in a black jacket] [Stunned] J.P.: How could he see me? J.P.: [Robot Voice to Alex walking away] I hate your face. Alex: [pauses, turns around] Did you say something? J.P.: [Hides behind coat] Alex: You're fuckin' weird. J.P.: ...How did he see me? Josh: EAT IT WHORE Josh: [first line in the movie] FUCK! Stop hitting me. Jeff: Do you have bathrooms here or do I have to shit in a plant? J.P.: How do you two know each other? Samantha: I woke him up here this morning. He feel asleep working late last night. J.P.: Yeah. Well, that's what old people do. They fall asleep. Alex: Wow J.P, that is a great outfit. How much do clothes cost in The Matrix? J.P.: [guffaws] So funny I forgot to laugh. Alex: Hey, Timmy, any chance I can crash on your couch tonight? Timmy: Why? So you can jerk off on my mom? Alex: Jeff's a fucking liar, Timmy!
: Wow. That Grace sure makes me feel warm and welcome. Grandma Lilly: Well, you'd be bitter too if you had four husbands die on you. Alex: Probably suicides. Samantha: Alex, I need you to deal with 10 through 15 because those are the real problem levels and... Alex: [farts] Samantha: Is he sleeping? Jeff: Yes, and possibly shitting his pants. [pats Alex] Jeff: Wake up, dude. Alex: [wakes up] No chores, Grandma! Samantha: Nice rip, Alex. Alex: Rip what? Alex: So, ladies, I kind of need to use the televis... Grace: Shh! Go read your Playgirl or something! Jeff: Dude, jerking off on my mom is one thing. But banging your grandmother and her roommates? That's like... legendary. Alex: You're an idiot. J.P.: Back to work, testers! Grace: Oh, you can stay as long as you like and love any man you choose! Alex: Don't slit your wrists, Kane. I'm here. J.P.: All I've ever cared about was video games and they made me a millionaire. So maybe I don't know what the Civil War was, or who invented the helicopter even though I own one, but I did beat The Legend of Zelda before I could walk. I'm thinking about getting metal legs. It's a risky operation, but it'll be worth it. Jeff: [imitating J.P] My name is J.P. I am a robot. I have a robot vagina. J.P.: [In robot voice] I am a geeenius! Dante: [Phone rings] What is that ringing? [Phone rings again] Dante: Do I have a tumor? Grace: I once gave Charlie Chaplin a handjob Jeff: Wow, was he silent? Grace: Not after I got thru with him Dante: I'll smoke it with ya bro, we'll go to the loony bin together. I don't give a fuck. Alex: [hangs up the phone] Dude... you have to give me a ride. Dante: [after smoking] I'm way too baked to drive to the devil's house. Jeff: Grace... I have something to confess. Grace: What's that? Jeff: [pauses] You were my first. Grace:
Really? Oh, that's sweet. You were my...